//------------------------------// // The Stains Inside // Story: [Forlorn Ascension]|[Rites of Dominion] // by Desrium //------------------------------// Phineas was the one in front this time around. If it weren't for his helmet, he would be the one with a glare glued onto his face for all approaching to see. If it weren't for the impassive yellow screens over them, his eyes would have beamed hatred and contempt for all those who called this place "home". He did not look at Tsubar at all ever since he hit the Seapony and left the bar, but he knew the mechanic was close behind. The Shu'badi was wise to stay silent, for Phineas was still in the clutches of his fury. Rage, guilt and sadness mixed into a volatile trio of emotional distress which rendered Phineas a completely different pony than he normally was. He wanted to get away from this wrongness. He wanted his old Equestria back. He wanted to see those old faces he never truly appreciated. Some things were not better off left behind and forgotten. "Murderer." The voice was his own. A voice that was neutral in tone but still undeniably scolding. "I am a murderer. Since when was I able to spill the blood of my own kind?" "Since I found these weapons. Since I decided I was going to fight for my life. These ponies aren't my kind. I am as alien to these Equestrians as the Shu'badi are alien to me. And in the end we are all as monstrous as a fucking Iopteryx toward one another." Phineas breezed past the many "guards" patrolling the deck while caught up in this mental debate, disgusted that they allowed rampant bloodshed take place in the city of their charge. He was disgusted with himself for being so quick to partake in it himself. He wished he had done something different. Maybe try to diffuse the situation, maybe talk his way out of it instead of simply shooting- "One was going to disable me and the other was going to shoot me. I gave them a chance to walk away and they didn't take it. I refuse to lay down my life so meaninglessly." "I am still a murderer though. How can I claim to be better than this new Equestria when I have blood on my hooves?" He cringed at the voices he heard, the ones from his nightmare days before. The imagery of blood washing over his body in the decimated halls of the doomed starship came rushing from the depths of his mind. He stopped walking abruptly. "Watch what you're doing, fuckface!" "Get out of the way, retard!" He stumbled and staggered as he was pushed and shoved from side to side, eventually being steadied and herded out of the crowd by Tsubar. The Shu'badi pulled him aside so that they were near all the stores. Phineas snarled and bucked the Seapony, knocking him into a wall and putting some distance between himself and the alien. He didn't know why he did it, Tsubar was only trying to help, but he did it and it felt good. It helped him deal with his renegade emotions. "... And... here I was... thinking you wouldn't fit in!" Tsubar said in between gasps. Phineas must have hit him especially hard that time around. The armored stallion whipped around to face the Seapony; Tsubar was unable to see just how angry Phineas was. His passion was boiling underneath that austere gray metal. "What... did you just say to me?" Phineas growled lowly. It wasn't so much as a question as it was his way of warning the alien. But Tsubar had already proven himself to be the type to disregard clear and present danger with no regard for the repercussions. "Doing whatever it takes to stay alive? A penchant for violence? Were you always like this, or was Equestria always a shitho-" Phineas reared up and sent a foreleg flying forward, cutting Tsubar off with another hoof to the face. The second hit was a sidelong swing which bashed his head into the wall he was knocked into the first time. Tsubar bobbed about haphazardly afterwards, dazed. "You're... you're a lot stronger than you look. Around these parts, that'll do you well!" "Are you a glutton for pain?" Phineas spat disdainfully. "Do you enjoy causing it?" Tsubar shot back. Phineas bared his teeth underneath the helmet, his body lowering as he prepared to pounce onto the Shu'badi and give him what he had coming towards him for what the silver stallion envisioned to be a very long time. He stopped though, when he saw that he had cracked the visor on the Shu'badi's own helmet. He saw droplets of red where the screen was broken. The terrible realization that the Shu'badi were incredibly fragile creatures dawned on Phineas then. That, or he was incredibly brutish. Both made him feel like a monster. "Tsubar..." he started to say, unable to bring himself to say more. "By Celestia's sun and Luna's moon, what is wrong with me!?" he cried in his mind. "Save it," Tsubar replied. He said no more, floating on past the distraught pony. Phineas looked down at his hooves then up at the others around him. A few looked away from him, as if to pretend they were focused on other things all along. For the most part though, what had just transpired had gone ignored. Guards looked the other way. The overwhelming majority of Equestrians carried on with their own business. The level of callousness and his own turn for the worst was starting to make him physically ill. *** "Gaali, I think I need that mental evaluation after all," was the first thing Phineas said once he was back on the Desolus. He had sought out the Seapony across the ship before he finally found her...in her quarters. If he did not fear for his state of mind, he would have had more than a few qualms with the waste of time his search was. Gaali's room was quite plain. That was because there was only one thing inside it aside from a few wall mounted computers: one large metal construct. It was roughly funnel shaped, larger at the base and narrower at the top but not quite tapered. Cables and tubes ran out from it into the ceiling and floors. Like the doors of the Desolus, the construct's entrance was comprised of two sets of doors. The outer doors swung outwards, revealing an inner chamber with another door leading into the actual structure. The inner door had a window where refracted light shone through, running along the walls. Standing in front of it was Gaali in her suit. "Did something happen?" she asked, floating out from her tank. "... You can say that," Phineas replied. He then proceeded to tell Gaali of what had happened. He told her about how he had to kill two ponies without hesitation and he described the things he had done to Tsubar. From his frequent pauses and tone of voice, Gaali could tell he felt awful about the whole thing. "Phineas," she began to say once he was done with his story. ".... while I understand why you would be upset, you have to realize, these fringe worlds are nothing like the Equestria you knew-" "Which is why I'm so worked up over this!" Phineas shouted, unable to contain himself anymore. He fell to the floor, weeping behind the yellow screens covering his eyes. "I've turned savage during my stasis somehow... I've- when I was awakened by you retrieving my shuttle, my first instinct was to fight. I did not understand my situation and I did not attempt to. I was just... ready. Ready to fight and... kill." He felt himself become weightless, enveloped in a magical field. Gaali's four metal arms suspended him off of the floor, lifting him back to his hooves. "You are not a monster," she assured him. "You were doing what comes naturally, to keep yourself alive. That is called instinct, but you do not rely on it entirely. I know this because you did not attack us when you left your ship." "But... I'm a murderer... and I've hurt Tsubar..." Phineas said, the incident still quite heavy on his conscience. "You acted on your instinct when it was clear there would be no peaceful resolution. You were justified in doing so. Tsubar ...if he did say the things you said he did - and I have little reason to doubt you - should have known better than to agitate you further than you were already," Gaali responded with seemingly infinite patience. Phineas sighed. "I shouldn't have lost control. I am better than this. I should be better than this. What I've done... it goes against the Federation's standards as well as my own." He bowed his head in shame and added: "Have I lost my way? Have I lost my discipline?" "You are a stranger in a strange time. You have lost your way... but not your merit," Gaali answered. "I know there is good in you. It is the good that cannot stand to see the wrong that exists across the galaxy." "I don't feel good," Phineas said. "I don't feel like myself. I remember everything from before... I still know all I knew then - and more now - but I don't feel like Phineas Startrot. Could going into stasis have... altered me somehow?" "I cannot say. I do not know any other Phineas Startrot; I only know the one who has fallen into a pit of self-doubt and uncertainty." "And there lies your problem. You can't hope to accomplish something if you don't believe in yourself. I would have thought the academy taught you that!" Phineas heard the voice of the minotaur. A ghost of a ghost that memory was. "After 378 years... I still haven't learned." Phineas muttered. "What was that?" Gaali asked, cocking her head. "Wise words from an old... friend." the silver stallion replied. "Wise words that I still remember after so many years... it was... just two weeks ago to me. Two weeks... not 378 years." "I sense a deeper issue than the one we've covered..." Gaali said. "Do you wish to talk about it?" "I don't think there's much to say, Gaali," Phineas stated. "I... miss them. If I knew I would have been where I am now... I would have lived my life differently. I would have been a better pony... not the best, but a better one. One who didn't push others away just because I was. I would have gotten to know them better. I would have tried to make friends..." The sorrow he felt was so bad that it was actually starting to make him hurt. "Gaali... thanks for your time." he said, wanting to end this as quickly and politely as he could. "I really appreciate you talking with me and I'll think about what you said... but right now I think I need some time alone." "Any time you are lost, I will do my best to guide you. Shoo bee doo, Phineas." "Yeah... shoo bee doo..." he responded. He nodded his head respectfully to Gaali and then turned to leave. The door slid apart to let him out. Stepping into the hallway, he caught sight of Javic, the Seapony busying herself with a nearby terminal. Phineas did not think much of it; he walked right by her on his way down the cargo hold. Javic stole a glance at him as he went. *** Back in the shuttle, Phineas took off his space suit and put it away in the storage closet. Once free of his metal shell, he walked into his room and pulled out his cot; which he promptly flopped onto. The lights dimmed down and he stared up at the paneled ceiling. His mind was heavy -he would not be getting to sleep any time soon.