//------------------------------// // Non Canon Deleted SceneTD Trolls the D.O.R.K.S. Part II // Story: No, I Am Not A Brony, Get Me Outta Equestria! // by BronyWriter //------------------------------// Warning: while writing this chapter it may have gotten out of my control and I may have taken it to levels too insane. And of course by 'may have' I mean 'did without question'. Seriously, at the end even I was like 'wow, this is getting too crazy but I'm hyped up on soda and having too much fun to care. It's a silly deleted scene anyway and shouldn't be taken seriously at all. With speed and grace that only a train could pull off, the Ponyville Express chugs along its usual 11:30 route towards Canterlot. Its steam engine combined with the strength of six barrel chested stallions pulling it ensures that the train will arrive at its destination in the proper time. And on that train, is me and Twilight Sparkle. I have a gigantic smile on my face as I leaf through a stack of papers given to me by Cheerilee's class. I must say, with all I have been teaching them about my world, I'm really quite excited to share some of this with them. They're adding new twists to my information that I would not have even thought of and it's beautiful. Twilight, on the other hand, doesn't quite agree with me on that one it seems. She is sitting on the seat opposite me with a slight frown on her face and a glare in her eyes. It's like she wants to burn the papers in my hand, but she knows she can't because then everybody would miss out on all of the fun. Well, Celestia and Luna would miss out and that wouldn't make them happy. What does not make the princesses happy is Twilight's Bane and as such, she tolerates my little project here, even if she doesn't like it. "You know you don't have to be here, right?" I say to her, glancing up slightly from the papers. "Of course I do!" she says. "I'm going to be double-checking all of the information you give them and if I find one shred of truth I'll file that away for later and the trip will have been worth it!" "Twilight, that doesn't make any sense at all!" I insist. "Besides, half of it is half-truth anyways, just a more fun spin on things. I mean if you were in my position and..." I stop when I realize who I'm talking to. "You know what? Never mind, I know what the answer is going to be anyway." "And you know why?" says the irate purple librarian, "it's be the right thing to do! Don't you want to spread your culture across Equestria? You're a teacher for Celestia's sake, don't you want ponies to learn?!" "Not these ponies," I retort. "I'm perfectly content teaching Cheerilee's class, thank you very much. Besides, you saw how they acted around me last time. Trust me, this way is more fun." "We're not after fun!" says Twilight. As if on cue a certain pink mare pops out of Twilight's saddlebag and with the way she's glaring at her, I'd swear that her eyes are going to pierce Twilight's skin. Twilight jumps back with a startled yell while I barely flinch. I'm pretty used to Pinkie Pie popping out of odd places when she's not supposed to, though, if the situation was reversed the reactions would too. Pinkie Pie has that effect on others. Pinkie Pie slides back into Twilight's bag and Twilight doesn't even bother to check to see if she's still in there. She reaches in and pulls out a folder. "As I was saying, we're here for learning!" She pulls out a thick stack of papers and hands the first to me. It’s about six pages long. "Because this, TD, is unacceptable!" Curious, I glance down at the paper and my smile widens when I see what it is. COMPARING WORLDS: A DETAILED ANALYSIS OF EARTH'S RULERS It was a Wednesday morning when the strangest occurrence happened to me: I was sitting in my study, sipping my daily orange juice when I received a letter from Princess Celestia herself! Well, naturally being a member of the Delegation to the Office of the Royal Knowledge Society, I receive royal mail all the time. In this particular instance, the letter was a meeting of the D.O.R.K.S, called by both princesses themselves! This was special indeed! Well, I attended the meeting at the proper time and was struck immediately with the sight of a rather odd creature dressed in what commoners would call 'casual attire'. A detailed drawing of the creature that I have dictated from my memory is at the end of this essay. Upon questioning a few of my immensely respected and important colleagues, I discovered that this creature was apparently called a 'human' and that he--I did have to ask the gender, I admit, being unfamiliar with human genders at the time--was here as Celestia's guest and we needed to treat him as we would a foreign dignitary, that is to say, be polite up front and joke about him during the after dinner cigars and brandy. Er, do forgive my little jest. Well, after a verbal altercation between the human, Princess Luna, and Prince Blueblood, which involved the latter being banned from the hall for the day, we were ready to begin our meeting which, as I was told, was where the human would explain the details of his world to us. It was an exciting opportunity I must confess, until the human opened his mouth. He stuttered over his words like simpleton and I began to doubt his intelligence. When my colleagues sent some good natured jabbing his way, the human got slightly miffed. I suspected that the human knew some forms of humor, but looking back, I don't think that it had the brain capacity to understand sarcasm at all. Well after a verbal warning from our dear Princess Celestia, the human managed a little more courage and actually completed a full lecture on various topics that we quizzed him on. The topic that I found the most interest in is the one I will be discussing today, that is to say, the government and deities of the planet he called 'Earth'. The first thing that struck me was the sheer lack of reverence of which the human spoke of his rulers. There was no awe or fear in his voice when he spoke of the gods of war--a troupe he referred to colloquially as The New Zealand All-Blacks but he gave no specific names--or, on a smaller scale, the rulers from the country he hailed, America. He described the man known as 'King Calvin' as a tyrant, but he didn't speak about him out of fear. Consider how Crystal Ponies discuss King Sombra act: they fear him with every fiber of their beings and enter a state of nervousness when he comes up. On the flipside, this human referred to a tyrant with no fear or respect at all! I theorize that this human is one of many races on his world and he is a member of the dominant one while others suffer under King Calvin. Perhaps it even works in the government where it would be safe from some of the more draconian policies of the King and his right hoof man, Hobbes. Lack of fear when discussing a tyrant that this human apparently lived under for twenty years; I noted no respect at all when he spoke of higher-ups in his world. When we speak of our dear Princess Celestia, it is simply a matter of good manners to show respect, even in manners of speech. This human did not. This made me wonder if this human was merely brash, or if there was not some underlying cultural meaning behind this. Why, if he is the god of the moon then I imagine that the god he called 'Batman' could destroy him without a single thought if he wanted to! Even if Batman and Luke Skywalker--the Earth god of the sun--are not as powerful as our dear Princess Celestia, the mere fact that they move the sun and moon in the skies indicate a level of power that this being has not demonstrated! I'm not too sure of Twilight will be able to read this again. I am laughing so hard that tears are pouring from my face and it is all I can do to stop from erupting into full blown laughter, thereby disturbing the other passengers in the car we are in. As it is I'm sure that I'm creating a scene since I'm laughing so hard that I'm slamming my fist on the seat beside me. "TD, that's not funny," says Twilight. It takes me a solid minute for the laughter to die down to the point where I can answer her. "Yes, Twilight, yes it really is," I respond. "Aw man, I cannot wait to show this to the class." Twilight frowns and tears the essay from my hands. "You are not going to show anypony! I showed you that so you'd feel bad about tricking them!" "Did you even read the first few paragraphs? I cannot imagine ponies worthier of being on the receiving end of a good trolling." "It's just not right!" Twilight insists. "That doesn't make it not fun," I respond. I know that Twilight wants to fume some more, but we have arrived in Canterlot. Just in time, too; the meeting starts in an hour. Twilight and I eagerly depart from the train and we make all haste to go to the castle. To my surprise, I see Princess Luna standing in the front hall waiting for us and not a single other pony around. Luna notices us approach and frowns. "Hmm, it seems that thou did not get Our message, Twilight Sparkle." Twilight cocks her head slightly. "Message? What message?" "The message about the meeting of the D.O.R.K.S," replies Luna. "When Our sister discovered the acronym behind the organization, she had the group disbanded. It no longer exists, TD Powell and We are not sure that another can be created for another twenty years at least." My jaw drops and, despite myself, I almost want to begin crying. No... no more trolling the D.O.R.K.S? Twilight seems just as shocked as I do. "But... why wasn't I told about this?! I mean, I've been going to meetings since I was a filly! The D.O.R.K.S have been around for nearly 1600 years! You can't just disband them!" "But we did, Twilight Sparkle. Once the dorks found out their name they wanted to disband too, so we let them." Twilight sat on her haunches and I think I saw tears welling up in her eyes. Truth be told, I was pretty disappointed too until Luna burst out into rambunctious laughter. "We only jest with thee, Twilight Sparkle and TD Powell!" she says. "Our sister suggested that we partake in humor to aid in the relaxation of ponies in our presence! The D.O.R.K.S meet in ten minutes and my sister and I are eager to to see you there." Twilight's pupils shrink down to pinpoints and her left ear twitches involuntarily as a mad smile crosses her face. "Ah," she says. "Ha ha, very, very, very funny Princess Luna. You got me." Wow, she just lost her mind for a second there. Luna doesn't notice, though. "Indeed we did, Twilight Sparkle!" shouts Luna. "But you must come! Our sister is eager to see thou!" I nudge Twilight back on her hooves and the two of us follow Luna to the meeting hall where, sure enough, the D.O.R.K.S have all congregated and are chattering away about some boring topic or another. Well, I'm going to have plenty of interesting things to talk to them about today. Celestia smiles at the three of us as we approach and I give her a nod of greeting. "Hello, Twilight; hello, TD, it's wonderful to see you both again." Twilight rushes up and nuzzles her mentor and I tip my invisible hat to her. "Are you ready to get started, TD?" she asks. "I've been ready since I left last time!" I say eagerly. I move in closer to her and whisper. "Uh, Twilight showed me an essay that one of them did on this. Something about comparing our governments?" "Ah, yes. I remember reading that one." "Wasn't it hysterical? Anyway, I was wondering if I could request to have a copy of all D.O.R.K.S. essays sent to me. I'd love to read them." Celestia smiles at me and nods. "Of course I can," she says. "I look forward to what you teach today." With that Celestia calls all of the D.O.R.K.S into the meeting room and I take my place at the front of the room once again. This time I exude confidence and I am all smiles this time. The three ponies I know here know the subtext behind my smile, the others... not so much. "Alright then, is everypony here?" I ask excitedly. I hear a general murmur from the crowd and with that I crack my neck and go. "So, when we talked last time, I'm curious if there is anything that you want me to elaborate on?" "How about the wars you have?" asks one of the D.O.R.K.S. "You didn't elaborate an extreme about on those." "I didn't did I?" I clear my throat. "Well, I know last time I mentioned the wars between the Cowboys of Dallas and the Steelers of Pittsburgh--" "Who led them?" asks another. "Well, the Cowboys were led by the great Maharajah Romo the Star Headed while the Steelers were led by Sultan Rothlisberger the Bumblebee. Their wars spanned decades and even when I was on Earth, there was no end in sight." "But didn't other tribes try to make peace between them?" "Of course not," I say. "In the land of those tribes inhabit, the thirty-two tribes are in constant battle with each other over the Lombardi Idol. Last I heard, Archduke Manning II and the Giants of New York have it after a bloody conflict with Czar Brady the Silver, their second such conflict which had the same result." "What is the purpose of the Lombardi Idol? What does it bring with it?" "Fortune and glory, kid," I say. "Fortune and glory." "That's it?" asks a pony in the front row. "Well I think it might have some magical properties since a few tribes have been able to use it to keep it after more than one year of war such as the Broncos of Denver and the Packers of Green Bay." "Harumph," says another pony. "I think that it's dreadful that your society has frequent war in the first place!" "Well, yes," I agree. "But we've created some of our greatest songs from tales of war!" "Let's hear one," suggests Celestia. I nod and clear my throat. I hope they like it. "Old Godzilla was hopping around, Tokyo city like a big playground When suddenly Lauren Faust burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Faust grenade. Godzilla got pissed and began to attack but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq Who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq-fu when Tara Strong flew out of the blue and she started beating up Shaquille O'Neil when they both got flattened by the Faustmobile but before she could make it back to the Faust Cave Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave and took an AK-47 out from under his hat and blew Lauren Faust away with a ratta-tat-tat but he ran outta bullets and he ran away because John De Lancie came in to save the day!" What? Just because I don't like the show doesn't mean that I don't know one or two things about it! The D.O.R.K.S golf clap again, obviously horrified to some degree but they don't want to be too rude. Well, I'm not quite done with them yet. "So, how about some mythology, yes? One of our most feared monsters is a creature known as Richard Nixon. Legend has it, if you anger him in any way, he will first send his minions after you and they will listen to every conversation that you have! The way you know he is listening is because there will be small pieces of tape holding your door open and preventing it from locking. You must remove the tape and say the name Ronald Reagan in a mirror five times and flush the toilet. If you can do that, congratulations! You now have your very own pet Richard Nixon to use against your enemies! He isn't so bad when you get control of him. You can put him in your pocket and carry him around and he's kind of adorkable until you sic him on somebody." "Ooh." I pony in the crowd raised her hoof. "I rather enjoyed that song, actually. Can we hear another song from your world?" "Sure. Let's see... hmm..." I'm at a loss for a moment. "How about that one song that you said Americans sang during the war for independence from Britain? You know, the one that was originally a taunt?" suggests Twilight. "What, Yankee Doodle?" I question. Dang it, she's trying to steer this to facts. "Yes, that one," she says. "Yes, let's hear it!" says Luna. "Uh, well there's not much too it." "Well then it shouldn't take you too long," says Celestia. "Fine. Uh, Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a p..." I catch myself just in time. "Platypus, stuck a feather in his cap and cried... uh, what an animus!" "It was indeed short, TD Powell," says Luna. "But we noticed that thou faltered slightly." "Sorry had a bit of a cough in my throat," I say, coughing afterwards to keep the charade up. "Oh but you must go into more detail about the war for independence, right, TD?" says Twilight. "I mean, you wouldn't want to disrespect the men who fought and died for your freedom by giving a false version of their lives, would you?" Oh hail no. "T...Twilight," I stutter. "You have to realize that it's a very personal topic and it's not polite to talk about in my culture in crowds over fifteen." "Okay, then you can do the lecture to half the hall now while the others get a lunch break and then we switch! It'll be perfect!" "Twilight, let's not be rude to TD," says Celestia sternly. "Yeah, remember what happened the last time intellectual ponies were rude to me?" I say with a hint of a threat in my voice. "Why? What happened?" asked one of the D.O.R.K.S. I open my mouth to respond but in present company... that would be a bad idea. "Well, let's just say that it didn't end too well for the ponies involved." The hall is silent as everypony contemplates my words for one reason or another until-- "HOLY YOU, PRINCESS CELESTIA!!!" says one of the D.O.R.K.S "What, what is it?" asks Celestia. "DORKS?!?!? We've been calling ourselves DORKS this entire time!" The entire hall gasps when they put two and two together. Celestia facehooves while Luna breaks out into partially subdued giggles. "This... this is an outrage!" says another dork. "To think that our glorious organization has been nothing but a joke for almost 1600 years is... well it's an outrage!" "Thou must learn to take a joke," says Luna. "Why, TD here--" I loudly clear my throat and vigorously shake my head when Luna looks confusedly at me. "It matters not what that human is up to!" says another total dork. "The good name of our organization has been sullied by a tasteless joke!" "The name of your organization is a tasteless joke," I point out. "Well, I retract that, it's freaking hysterical." "These matters do not concern you, human! You are not a pony and thus you should be grateful that you're allowed inside Celestia's halls at all!" "I could say the same to you," I retort. "Enough of this!" says Celestia loudly. "No, no, Tia, We want to see where this goes," says Luna. I have to admit that I do too and the dork isn't looking happier. "You have been a blight upon our halls ever since you arrived!" "Is it because I punched Celestia and ruined the Gala, is that why you're so huffy with me?" "No, I haven't been 'huffy' because you ruined the Gala, I'm huffy because you clearly not an intelligent race and as such, you do not belong here!" "Says the pony who only figured out know what you get when you combine the letters 'd' 'o' 'r' 'k' and 's'." "Krosd?" guesses one of the dorks. "N..." I pause. "Yeeessss, yes that's exactly what you get and it took this bozo his whole life to figure it out!" "Oh, you insolent monkey!" screeches the dork. "I'll have you thrown out of here at once!" "Oh give it a rest, Duke Blueblood," says Celestia. ...wow, how did I not see the family resemblance before now? "Uh... yeah... so there's that then," I mutter. "Besides, you wouldn't dare punch our ruler in the face!" says Blueblood II. "You would be obliterated on the spot!" I turn to Celestia and, in a move that would make the Crusaders jealous, I give her my best pleading look. It doesn't look that good, I have to admit, but she sighs, facehooves, and nods anyway. Grinning I pick up Reginald, bounce over to Celestia, and raise Reginald over my head. "Celestia, you insult me with your presence!" The entire hall gasps, save for Luna who is practically on the floor by now, and I swing Reginald, aiming directly for Celestia's head. It connects with a marvelous crack and Celestia dramatically falls to the floor. The entire room is dead silent as I turn and face Duke Blueblood triumphantly. "You see?! Do you see what happens when you anger a human being?!" I hear Luna's horn fire up behind me but I continue on. "We are not the simple society that you perceive us as!" As I talk I notice that the hall is growing dark and an unreal glow is surrounding me. My voice is getting deeper too and the effect is really, really cool. Think Galadriel's freak out from the first Lord of the Rings film. I take the gift I am given. "If you do not respect me then you shall spend your lives fearing me!" "No," says a cold voice behind me. "They won't." The effects don't fade but I see Celestia stand up behind me with a steely look in her eyes. "You may have gotten the upper hoof on me, but do not presume that you can make innocent ponies fear you!" "And what can a mere pony do to stop me?!" I mock. Celestia smirks and her horn fires up. I defensively put Reginald in front of me but it doesn't matter, Celestia fires a wall of fire towards me that immediately engulfs me. I notice immediately that the fire doesn't hurt me, but I dramatically pretend it does anyway. Slowly my screams die down and the flames do as well. When they dissipate, the crowd, who are all huddled in a corner, gasp again. "He's gone!" "She disintegrated him!" I frown and glance back at Luna who is smirking. Ah, she turned me invisible. I glance at Twilight who is standing up, completely unsure of what to think. I am struck with a brilliant idea and I let Reginald fall to the ground. It becomes visible when I do and it rolls harmlessly off the stage as if a final indicator of my utter demise. Celestia sighs and uses her magic to pick it up. "I'm so sorry, TD," she whispers, just loud enough for everyone in the room to hear. She maneuvers it next to her and addresses the crowd. "Mares and Gentlecolts, I trust that you are all in shock after what has just happened. I must ask you to remain calm and everything will be sorted out." The crowd murmurs to themselves while Twilight still stares in open mouthed horror at where I 'used to' be. "But there is one thing I must discuss with you before we break for punch and cookies," says Celestia. "This all could have been avoided if you had simply treated him with the respect he deserved. He was a gentle being at heart, I know he was. He loved flowers and butterflies and all things good in the world. Pink was his favorite color and at night he used to prance around the room singing about how much he loved all of these things. Does that sound like a being to treat with hostility?" There are a few murmurs of no going around the room. I, meanwhile, have decided to swear revenge on Celestia. She is not done, though. With one more sigh, she says, "Simply put, my little ponies... that's why you always respect foreign visitors." With that, she beckons Luna and Twilight out of the room. I follow and she leads us to a private room. Once there, Luna takes off the spell and I reappear, much to Twilight's shock. Her mouth hangs open for a brief moment before a look of pure fury crosses her face. "WHAT THE TARTARUS WAS THAT?!?!?!?!" she screeches. Luna, Celestia, and I all shrug at the same time. "I don't know," I say. "I just kind of went with it after I hit Celestia." "Yes that about describes my role in it too," says Celestia. "I thought I could use it to teach those ponies a lesson." "More like scar them for life," says Twilight. "Well... they learned, didn't they?" "So I take it I'm done with the D.O.R.K.S?" I question. Celestia nods. "After how out of hoof this one got, I think it would be best," she says. "I agree." I turn back to Twilight after taking Reginald back from Celestia. "Let's go back to Ponyville, okay?" She shoots me a death glare but doesn't disagree. I sigh as we walk out of the castle towards the train station. As fun as this was, hopefully my trips to Canterlot won't get as out of control ever again.