//------------------------------// // Chapter Nine: Un Poco Problema // Story: The Evolution of Stan // by Flutters Glasses //------------------------------//         Have you ever been stu-. You know what?  I always seem to start off with some sort of ridiculous commentary about my personal form of philosophy or simply a convoluted introduction before I detail how crappy my day was.  This one time, for the sake of your sanity, I'm going to skip all the jargon and dive headfirst into one of the worst days of my life. You’re welcome. It had been a while since the whole bunny Dyra fiasco, though not much had changed.  I had avoided Lyra like the plague.  I now had some impressive facial stubble.  I had yet to hear anything from their ‘benevolent dictator.’  Fluttershy was still 'Flirtershy' and I still didn't have my clothing even though I knew my pants were finished.  To my chagrin, Rarity insisted that I wait for the entire outfit to be completed.  When I tried to insist otherwise she blew up at me.  I mean all I wanted was a freaking pair of pants so I could lose the towel, was that really so much to ask?  The only thing she offered me was a crudely made pair of briefs, otherwise known as tighty whities, so I still had to wear the towel around to keep my embarrassment to a minimum. But I'm ranting about something fairly insignificant, pants wouldn't have done me much good anyways.  If anything, they would have made my day all the worse. It was a Saturday morning, the day of Fluttershy’s big tea party with her friends, something which I was luckily, or maybe unluckily, excused from.  I was in high spirits the night prior for Saturday would mark one full week without any sort of transformation.  This small anniversary lulled me into a slight sense of security, believing that my plight was merely a strange, temporary reaction to the magic/gamma rays in this place that would never appear again. Oh how wrong I was. Twas a pleasant morning, a bit humid perhaps, but the temperature was just right despite me wearing nothing but the undies Rarity crafted for me. I should probably clarify; it would’ve been a pleasant morning if one were to take into consideration the conditions alone. I on the other hand woke up to a surprise rafting session down the perilous Flutter-Valley. Oh you’ve never been down Flutter-Valley?  Well it’s quite lovely this time of year.  It can be humid at times, and the shoreline can become quite slippery but it really is a nice place to sit back and unwind. I hope that you’re sensing my sarcasm here. It was clear that once again the world had decided to screw me over, though this time it was just sick and wrong in every sense of the two words.  I was but an inch tall and located somewhere that I’d rather not be, ya know, EVER. Behind me, and well, on top of me, Fluttershy was having a rather vulgar dream, ergo the surprise rafting session “Oh Stan...mmph.” Fluttershy moaned, furthering the awkwardness of this whole situation ten-fold. ‘Oh God, why me?’ Honestly, if I wasn't currently being *erm* well, trapped by the girl, I might’ve been flattered by her interest in me.  By pony standards, Fluttershy was like a Victoria’s Secret lingerie model; heck, Rarity said that at one point she actually was a model for some eccentric designer named Photo Finish.  If there weren’t such an underwhelming population of stallions in Ponyville, I’m sure they’d all fawn over her.  Unfortunately this wasn’t the case, and she had chosen to pursue me, a being from another world and of a completely different species. Maybe she has a weird bestiality kink for hairless bears, maybe opposable thumbs turn her on; heck, maybe she’s just a xenophile.  I really have no idea. She suddenly lifted her body off of my miniscule form, giving me plenty of time to escape Flutter-Valley, unfortunately this only led to having a substantially less moist part of her fall on me abruptly.  Caught by surprise, I began to thrash around, only managing to get myself hopelessly tangled in Godzilla-Shy’s pink tail. ‘Well this is just peachy.  Something tells me that this is going to be a long day.’ And for once, I was actually right. "*Yawn*" The yellow pegasus stretched her hooves out lazily before opening her eyes to the sunrise of a brand new day. “Oh what a beautiful morning." ‘and a fantastic dream...’ “Don’t you think so Stan?” “...Stan?” She turned her neck from the window to where her partner lay, only to find just his towel, slightly tucked under her right hind leg.   Picking herself up and off the bed, she gazed around the room a little bit and noticed the bedroom door slightly ajar. “Oh... He must have already left to meet up with Spike...” Frowning slightly, she turned her head back towards the bed; more specifically at the slightly damp towel lying on it. “Oh my, did Stan wet the bed?” Lowering her head, she sniffed the towel out of curiosity, but quickly pulled her head back. “Oh no, I didn’t do anything to Stan while he slept did I?  I hope I didn’t scare the poor dear off...” She trotted out of the bedroom and using her wings fluttered down the staircase, at the end of which she landed and turned into the kitchen.  On top of the kitchen table, staring her down, sat an irritated-looking Angel tapping his foot on the table and gesturing towards the clock on the wall behind her.  The pegasus tilted her head at the bunny for a moment before turning around, her eyes going wide. "Oh no!  Angel, the girls will be here any minute!" The bunny's paw swiftly met his face as his owner began to fly around the kitchen, rapidly setting out cups and putting her teapot on the stove.   Angel hopped off the table and out of the kitchen, leaving Fluttershy in her stressed state to finish preparing the table for the girls. "Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! *gasp* I haven't brushed my mane and tail yet!  Rarity is going to have a fit!" The pastel pegasus shot out of the kitchen and into the living room.  Opening the door to her downstairs bathroom, she quickly jumped inside. Angel, who was currently 'busy' in the bathroom, noticed the door open and quickly pulled the hair brush with crudely taped on black paper ears away from his lips and attempted to hide it behind his back. "Oh Angel!  Could you please use that brush to groom my mane and tail for me?  Stan isn't here and my long handled brush is upstairs." The bunny, just happy that his owner had apparently not noticed his little make out session with the brush, quickly pulled the makeshift ears off of the hairbrush and set about grooming the pony's mane and tail. Not long after he began, they were interrupted by a knocking at the cottage’s front door followed by a refined voice. *knock* *knock* *knock* "Fluttershy dear!  It's impolite to keep your friends waiting!" "Oh my!" Fluttershy suddenly turned around and flew out of the room, pulling the brush still stuck in her tail out of Angel's grasp and with her to the door.   She stopped in front of it for a moment to look herself over and upon noticing the brush, quickly flicked her tail sending it sailing over to her couch.   Taking a deep breath, she gathered herself before opening the door. "Umm. Hello girls." Fluttershy looked down and began to kick the floor nervously with her hoof. The white unicorn in front of the spectrum of ponies tilted her head at the shy pegasus. "Well, aren't you going to invite us in?" The pegasus' head shot up, blushing slightly in embarrassment. "Oh!  Yes of course, come right in." The group of ponies trotted passed the pegasus into her abode, soon followed by a poofy, white cat. "I hope you don't mind that I brought Opal, the dear simply would not let me leave my boutique without her." "Of course I don't mind, make yourselves at home.  Umm, I'll go brew the tea." Fluttershy began to trot towards the kitchen, but was stopped by a certain cyan colored pegasus who whispered something in her ear.  The butter yellow pony's eyes opened wide for a moment as she looked confusedly at her friend. "No Rainbow Dash, I'm sorry but I don't have any cid-" The Rainbow maned pegasus shot a hoof to Fluttershy’s mouth. "Hahaha such a Kidder..." She wore a sheepish expression as Rarity rolled her eyes and muttered "How un-ladylike" to no one in particular. Twilight sparkle, who had been following Fluttershy to the kitchen, turned back to the other four ponies in the living room. "Shall we?" Rainbow Dash lazily hovered over to the couch and dropped back-first on top of it. "You guys go on ahead, wake me your tea is done." Applejack snorted at her friend's display. "Alright Rainbum Dash, we'll letcha know.  Come on Pinkie." Pinkie narrowed her eyes and frowned slightly at the brush, now on the floor next to the couch, before instantly brightening up and following Applejack into the kitchen. "Okay dokie lokie!"         You know, I actually learned quite a few things while being stuck in Fluttershy’s tail and brush.  Firstly, I had completely forgotten about my guy-time with spike.  Secondly, her tail smells like roses.  Thirdly, Fluttershy has a long handled brush and is capable of using it herself.  The sneaky jerk had been using her lesser known, yet still potent, 'puppy dog eyes' stare to get me to brush her mane for the past week. *erm* Anyways, moving on:  Fourth, I'm apparently capable of withstanding a surprisingly sizeable amount of G's without being knocked out.  And lastly, Rainbow Dash's wings are ticklish. Now, I'm sure you're wondering just how I figured that last one out.  Don’t worry, I'll get to it in a moment. I'd start at the point where I became stuck in Fluttershy’s hairbrush, but frankly not a heck of a lot happened afterwards besides me screaming like a little girl as I was thrown around like a child's toy. Let's start at the point where I managed to become unstuck from the hairbrush on the couch hmm? *ahem* Well, obviously after a fair amount of struggling I was able to extricate myself from the brush after it had landed on the couch, just in time to watch the group of ponies file into Fluttershy’s cottage, followed by Rarity's demon of a cat.   'Crap, something tells me the cat is gonna cause me some trouble.' I know that Rarity has this thing with calling every living being 'dear' or 'darling,' but I still don't understand how she could call that creature of her's a term of endearment.  It might just be owing to the fact that it decided to shred my towel the first time I saw it, but I really despised the freaking thing. I got bits and pieces of their conversation as I watched them from the couch, though nothing really of interest occurred.  Well, that was until I was watching Flutters on her way out of the living room and Rainbow Dash caught me off guard by deciding to plop back-first onto the couch. Upon retrospect, just sitting there on the couch spying on the ponies probably wasn't the best possible thing I could've done at the time, but I was... Distracted. 'Dat a**' Call me a pervert, call me a bestialitist, but being stuck in a land full of sentient female ponies and no humans in sight, even if just for a week, will give you some...Ideas. *erm* Anyways, being caught with tunnel vision, I was completely unaware of the cyan pegasus then hovering above me.  The shadow should have been a dead giveaway, but it wasn’t until the plummeting that I actually noticed her. ‘What the- AHH’ “Fu-OOF!” ‘Crap.’ Luckily the feathery part of her right wing was the only things that had caught me; I was pinned but remained uninjured minus the slight blow to my dignity, but honestly who cares about that? 'Fricking monster ponies, do you guys even watch for others?' I can only imagine the mortality rate of smaller, inconspicuous creatures and insects in Equestria; these ponies clearly either have terrible senses or simply don't care to watch where they're going.  In Rainbow’s case, I’m sure it’s the latter more than anything. Staying still under her wing was getting me nowhere, so I did what any rational person would do if they were shrunken down and...trapped under a mythical pegasus’ wing... Okay, not a rational person, more like a person in a psycho-ward suffering from an odd hallucination semi-similar to my nightmare of a life. Anyways, I began to struggle about, attempting to make headway in removing myself from her wing as she quickly fell asleep and began to snore.  Believe it or not, I was actually managing to inch my way out from under the thing, my progress made all the easier as Rainbow’s body began to shake and slightly lift off of me as she chuckled. ‘Okay she’s ticklish... and it's helping me escape, so is this a good thing?’ Suddenly her wing shot out with a *pomf* and I was flung weightless into the air. ‘Nope...’ “AHHHHH!” I shot up like a bullet, momentum taking me a sizable distance into the air before my acceleration ceased and I began to plummet.  Strangely enough, that was the exact time that Twilight walked into the room, my trajectory sending me straight in her direction.  More specifically at her head. “Rainbow Dash!  The tea is finished.” “OOF!” I made impact relatively unharmed in the pink stripe of her mane right next to her horn as she continued to trot towards the couch. “*yawn* How long was I out?” My gravity suddenly shifted as Twilight tilted her head and I was forced to grab onto one of her ‘ropes’ of hair.  A giant hoof filled my vision as she rubbed a point on her head dangerously close to where I was hanging on for dear life. “Literally 45 seconds.  She was already boiling water when we arrived.” "Ugh, give me just five minutes." A bright glow engulfed Twilight's giant horn in front of me as I saw Rainbow Dash rise into the air. "Come on Rainbow, don't be rude." Rainbow snorted as Twilight turned into the kitchen with her in tow. “Like I have a choice...” She muttered. Twilight’s ear twitched and nearly knocked into me, but she didn’t offer any other sort of reaction other than dropping Rainbow unceremoniously onto the floor and trotting into the kitchen. “Twilight, can I safely assume that Rainbow has awoken?” Rarity was looking at Twilight, but her gaze quickly shifted to Rainbow as she walked grumpily into the room and sat down across from her. Applejack smirked at the pegasus. “Ah take it that ya had a good nap?” Rainbow rolled her eyes. "Yeah, all thirty seconds of it." The gravity shifted again as Twilight turned her head to face Rainbow Dash, forcing me to again grab her mane. "It was closer to a minute actually." Applejack snickered as Twilight sat down and levitated the teapot over to her cup to fill it up, casting a blinding light upon me. She took a quick sip before speaking. “So what do you girls want to talk about?” Rainbow opened her mouth to speak, likely to boast about a new trick of hers, but was immediately silenced by Rarity. “Now Rainbow, it’s only right that we let Fluttershy go first; we are in her home drinking her tea that she was kind enough to make for us.” ‘This sounds less like a friendly chat and more like a formal meeting.’ Rainbow crossed her forehooves and rolled her eyes as Fluttershy’s head shot up from her teacup. “Oh!  I don’t mind, Rainbow can go on ahead.” This elicited a smirk from Rainbow as she opened her mouth again, Rarity was quick to intervene. “But darling, you simply must have something to talk about.” ‘Ooh cut off again, I thought this chick was supposed to be fast.” Fluttershy pulled her head back, partially obscuring it from view behind her cascading mane. “It’s fine really.” “Are yer animals all doin’ fine?” Applejack piped up. “Oh yes, in fact-” “Any parties you’re planning on throwing? OH!  Am I invited?  Can I be, please please pleeeease?!?” Pinkie interrupted. “No, I’m not having a party actually, but-” “How’s your workout regimen I set up for you been going, has your wing-power gone up?” Rainbow propped her hind legs on the table and leaned the chair back. “Yes, thanks Rain-” “Read any good books lately?” Twilight asked. “Oh yes, thanks for letting me bor-” “How about Stan, make any headway in snagging that stallion’s heart?” Rarity waggled her eyebrows suggestively. Or rather, I imagine that she did; I had been sitting comfortably on Twilight’s head, already having given up on hanging on considering she wasn’t jerking her head about anywhere. Big mistake. At the mention of my name, Twilight apparently sucked some tea down the wrong pipe.  Her head shot downwards as her body was racked with coughing. As you can probably imagine, I was completely caught off-guard by the sudden shaking and gravity shift and was quickly knocked from my perch, unable to get myself a handhold as I plummeted onto her soft thigh, bouncing onto the chair in between her legs. "Twilight dear, are you quite alright?" It was clearly Rarity's voice, despite being slightly muffled from my new vantage point under the table. "*cough* Yes, I'm fine I just *cough* got some tea in my wind pipe." Being slightly disoriented from the fall, I had been simply lying there on the chair with my eyes closed as the ponies continued to talk.  I sat up, grabbing my head as I opened my eyes, giving me a rather fine view of Twilight's- 'OH SAY CAN YOU SEE!  BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT!' Yeah, my prudence tends to come out in the form of me singing the national anthem in my head to keep it occupied.  Honestly though, these ponies should at least wear diapers or something to cover up, otherwise everything is on display, it's just wrong if you ask me. I shot a hand to my eyes and quickly stood up and turned around, after which I put my hand back to my side. Again, big mistake. 'Oh god dang it.' It really should've registered in my mind that everypony was sitting around the tables and that they were all mares, but alas... It didn’t. Anyways, without anywhere to turn while keeping my view clear of being filled with... Horse; I made a split second decision to jump onto Twilight's leg and shimmy down it. It was rather well executed I must say, until of course she shook her leg to get the 'bug', I.e. me, off of her. 'Aww yeah. Oh what the-' "OOF!" ‘Crap’ The fall was fairly short; seven feet or so relative to my current size, but the sheer unexpectedness of it made it all the more painful. “Don’t you think that’s a little -I don’t know- personal?” Twilight’s voice coming from above signalled that the girls were back to talking, still oblivious to my presence. 'You call that personal?  Try being an inch tall in between the legs of a pony who forgot to put on their diaper today.' I let out a pained groan before picking myself up off the ground. ‘Oh great work sherlock, now what are you gonna do?’ Honestly, there wasn’t a heck of a lot I could do at the moment.  I was an inch tall and under a monstrous table surrounded by six oblivious ponies that could accidentally crush me without batting an eyelash. Yeah, my life pretty much sucked right about then. It was something I noticed out of the corner of my eye that ultimately made my decision.  I caught Opal making her way into the kitchen from the living room appearing rather hungry.  Maybe I was imagining the hungry part, but this cat was bad news regardless. 'Yeah.  No.  I hear the counter is awfully nice this time of day.' I took one last glance at the cat before breaking into a dead on sprint in the opposite direction towards the sink. "Umm, Rarity I'm going to boil some more water if you don't mind.  We can talk about Stan later if you'd like." "Why of course darling, you go on ahead." This small exchange was soon followed by the sound of a chair scooting next to me. 'S***!’ *CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH* 'CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP!' Now, not only was I trying to avoid a vicious feline, but also the hooves of giant yellow pegasus.  Can this get any more impossible? "*Gasp*" 'Oh god, please don't say she saw me.' "Oh!  I forgot the teapot on the table." '*Phew*' I continued my sprint as the hooves started to backtrack before catching right back up to me. "Fluttershy dear!" Rarity called out. "Mmphye- Oh my!" The teapot crashed against the floor and shattered right in front of me, blocking my path and forcing me to stop.  There was a sudden silence as I slowly turned around, finding Fluttershy staring back down at me with wide eyes.