Let me explain something. I love my mother, I really do. Heck, I filled her as my next of kin and Giantonio’s godmother for a reason. However... I don’t really like spending time with her. It’s just… painful.
Here is why: my mother is a drama queen.
She makes the smallest thing into a huge problem and everyone around her feel guilty as crap. So whenever a real problem arises, people avoid her like the pest.
Case in point, she never got over her divorce with Dad years ago. The whole deal turned very messy and she never got over that. Heck, Mom had gone so over the top that Dad had just let go of his custody of me and settled with the “once every two week” deal. As such, every one of my relatives will say, when asked, that she seems to carry around this air of sadness. She makes them all depressed.
“Thank God you’re okay!” She whispered, hugging the living crap out of me.
I hugged her back, ignoring the rock that settled in my stomach.
“Yes, I’m fine, Mom.”
No, I was not. Sometimes, I just felt like the whole world was just one big joke with me as the punch line. Sometimes, I wondered what I would look like if I dyed my hair green and bleached my skin.
Then there would be the spouting of catchphrases and the homoerotic battle with a man in a rodent suit.
…
Yeah, definitely not telling my mom that.
“I was so scared when the doctor told me what happened to you!” She continued, not hearing me. Not really.
Mom tuned people out whenever she cried.
“The nurses told me I’ll soon be able to leave the hospital.” I stroked her back soothingly, with a conviction I did not feel. “I just have to adapt to this new change, that’s all.”
“Hypothermia! And Narcolepsy!” She muttered. “I just don’t understand. You’re the first in the family to develop it!”
My expression turned bitter, which made me feel lucky she could not see it. Really though? Did she have to rub it in?
“I’ll be fine,” I insisted, breaking the hug and forcing her to look at me. “I promise, Mom. It will be fine.”
She looked at me with big doe-like eyes, her mannerism screaming of uncertainty and fear. My heart squeezed painfully at the sight. Everything about Mom tugged at all the right heartstrings.
“I will be alright, I swear. I’m not a little kid anymore.”
That was the wrong thing to say.
“Yes…” She looked away sadly, her voice no longer bigger than a whisper. “You don’t need me to take care of you…”
Argh! The drama queen struck again. She managed to turn around my reassuring speech into a message of abandonment!
Sometimes, I got the impression she liked being miserable…
That was a depressing thought…
She did not convince me otherwise for the remainder of the day. Why, she even decided to spend the night with me, sleeping in the chair near my bed, eyes puffy and red from crying so much all day long.
Yeah, loved the concern, hated how she expressed it.
I felt drained, which meant sleep was quick to come.
Once more, I woke up in bed. Strange, considering the previous enjoyment Discord had been getting out of me appearing in the middle of a difficult situation.
No such thing here. It was just a plain and comfortable bedroom, of sandy yellow and grassy green colors, much better than my apartment back on Earth. My heart pinched with a hint of jealousy, before stupidly remembering that this was actually mine.
‘I really need to start using my brain other than as a decoration…’
Alright, time for the usual assessment of my assets.
…Right.
Turning my head right, I got a glimpse of my back, which was bare of any wings. No, my coat was a light brown and my cutie mark appeared to be a trio of horseshoes. Eh, that was the first time I really bothered finding out about those butt tattoos. Did this one mean I was lucky?
…Haha, yeah, riiiiiiiiight, I could already feel Discord’s creepy laugher coming. That was such a stupid bout of irony…
I shook my head. ‘Focus!’
My mane was a darker shade of brown and hid no horn.
So, Earth Pony this time around.
I shrugged. I could easily deal with that.
There was something about my general appearance that bothered me, though. If only I could put my fin- hoof on it…
“Hum…” I glanced around, trying to find out what was on the tip of my tongue. I knew I knew something peculiar about this round, but what?
With this thought stuck in my head, I headed out of my bedroom, keeping my eyes open for any hint.
Everything was… perfectly normal. The dining room looked functional, the table was in an acceptable state and the couch seemed just as inviting as the one I owned back on Earth! I seemed to have lucked in on the decent lifestyle this time.
This was really making me sweat.
Discord was definitely going to try a psychological attack during this round. I barely recovered from the last one too…
The bubbling euphoria that installed itself in my chest was as unwelcomed as it was distressing. I really had to beat… let the game run out. I literally was losing my mind over this crap!
It took me a second to notice I was panting, my anger having dulled my senses and my consciousness of my body.
The sight of an open bathroom on the opposite side of the room made a desire to wash away this insanity away rise within me.
I almost galloped to the room, but I actually crashed headfirst into the toilet.
Oh buck and horseapples times twenty!
I raised my head out of the water almost immediately, taking a deep breath. There would be no way I was going to drown here. That would be on my top five of the lamest development of this whole ordeal.
Seriously, there had to be a limit to cheap comedy somewhere! Even Discord couldn’t get off this kind of lame stuff, right?
…
Why did I just get the feeling Discord should have made a sassy comment right now and held back for some reason?
I glanced around nervously, trying to ignore the droplets of water falling from my mane and my facial hair (seriously, fur was one inconvenient downside to this game!). The draconequus was nowhere to be seen though. His presence at the back of my mind was at a minimum too.
‘He probably got bored and is watching some reality TV show. Or he is plotting to take over the Internet,’ I thought, shaking my head to convince myself of my absurdity. This was probably just paranoia.
Breathing more slowly, I went to the sink to splash my face with some cold water. Counterproductive and useless, I know, but I couldn’t just do nothing.
I even did a decent job of it, hooves having enough surface to really splash water around. Needless to say, the cold sensation washing over my face repeatedly helped me relax.
Head still in the sink, I took a moment to calm down, eyes closed.
Now much more levelheaded, I tried to evaluate my situation. I was probably earning a decent living, judging by the rest of the house, alone too, since every signs pointed to this being a bachelor’s place. I was an earth pony, which may not be flashy, but had the advantage of being kickass. Finally, as far as my standards went, I did not seem hideous or anything.
My eyes went up to the bathroom’s mirror, as if to reaffirm it, where the sight of my reflection caused me to freeze.
Oh crap…
Everything suddenly made sense! Everything came crashing down on me and I wondered how I could have been so blind!
“DISCORD!” I shouted.
‘You know how to refer to me, boy.’ His voice sounded dreadfully amused.
I was not. Rage was burning through my vein at his monstrosity and my own.
“SHOW YOURSELF!”
The spirit managed to convey through tone alone how he could not care less. Wow. ‘Come on, kiddo. I’m not answering your questions until you call me the right way.’
I gritted my teeth, grinding them together so hard I could feel chunks of them flying out of my mouth.
“DISCORD THE BLUE, GET YOUR DRACONEQUUS BUTT HERE AND TELL ME WHY I’M CARAMEL!”
Yeah, I was Caramel. Not a lookalike, the real deal. Face, coat, mane, cutie mark, species. I even had a toothbrush with his name on it!
He needed a new one, by the way.
‘And here I am, in all my glorious glory!’ Discord declared, just as a pink flash of light blinded me and I felt another presence in the bathroom. The instantaneous shivering I felt was a great indicator of when the draconequus was nearby.
Furiously rubbing my eyes, I cursed under my breath about his sense of theatrics.
As soon as I could see, I fell backward on my back, shocked by the sight of the draconequus in my bathroom’s mirror. He had just pulled a Pinkie Pie! More importantly, my brain short-circuited on a really stupid detail.
“…Why are you orange?”
It was true. The Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony was orange from head to toes. This was simply a sin against eyes everywhere!
‘Your wish is my command, boy.’ Discord mocked bowed to me.
“Right.” I rolled my eyes. “I wish you’d stop being a bastard.”
‘What was that?’ He grinned, cleaning his ears. ‘I couldn’t hear you.’
“But you could before…”
Amazingly, the draconequus’ eyes widened for a split second, before his cool demeanor returned. ‘Yes, well, temporary deafness is unpredictable.’
“I’m sure of that…” I groaned, definitely sick of him.
I even walked away, forgetting about my reason for calling him out in the first place. This was not worth the headache…
Actually, it really, really, was, but he just was too much for me to handle.
‘Wait!’ Discord slipped out of the mirror, now wearing his normal colors, with a look of pure indignation.
He floated up to my level, before landing on his hind legs, looming threateningly over me.
“You had a question…” He reminded me, with the tone of someone you really ought not to piss any further.
Thing was, I was the pony that had the righteous fury on his side and Discord pretending the opposite pissed me off!
My eyes narrowed on his form, I spat out in disgust.
“You did not turn me into a pony! You just put me into an already existing one!” I accused.
He started to chuckle!
“Oh my dear boy, you are truly impressive with your voluntary blindness.” His tail snapped like a whip toward a nearby piece of furniture, fetching a deck of card from its depts. “Is this really something you ought to realize only by the ninth round?”
I glared.
“The truth is very simple: you refused to see it.” He pointed at me, while his tail fiddled with the cards. “You did not really care until now.”
On those words, one paw went to his back, handling the cards. Before my eyes, they went back and forth between his limbs, like a paper barrier.
“No, really, you thought I was creating an entirely new pony out of nothing and modified Equestria’s memory every time you went to bed?” His tail snapped again, launching a card at me at high speed.
I stared with wide eyes at the card embedded to its lower half into the floor. Even creepier was the fact that Caramel’s – my – face was staring back at me.
Discord, meanwhile, continued shuffling and making the cards dance within his palms. With each word though, he handled them harder and rougher, as his tone grew annoyed.
“Get real, boy. I am sealed in a stone prison. If my powers were at the level required for that kind of stunt, I wouldn’t bother with you in the first place!”
Snap.
Another card flew at me, which I only dodged by jumping on my left. The sharp pain in my tail confirmed what I thought when dark brown hair flew by. I may have to hone my reflexes if I wanted to keep up the sass with my mad god not-buddy.
“But you did not stop to think about this, boy.” Discord chuckled, leaning closer. “If you could get your dream life in Equestria… well, the details didn’t matter, right?”
I blinked.
I was now sitting at the table, in front of Discord himself. He had stopped playing with the cards, letting that to the paws of a skeletal griffon.
Images of free-fall flashed before my eyes, giving me the nausea. It took everything I had not to throw up in sheer terror. The ivory white – DEAD – creature was staring at me with empty orbits, its dark stare boring a hole into my skull.
I put a hoof on my mouth, lest I let out the panicked neigh I was desperately holding back.
“Relax, boy. We’re only going to play a little game.” Discord assured me with a suave, debonair voice.
That gave me my snark back. I glared. “The last game we played ended with me in a hospital.”
“Well, some games have to be more exciting than others.” He dismissed my accusation.
“There’s nothing exciting about learning you have dysfunctional kidneys.” I scowled.
“Touché,” Discord admitted, before hitting the table with his claw.
Instantly, the undead at our sides threw five cards in front of him, all of them revealed to me.
Garbage, except for a pair of six.
The draconequus eyed me with contempt.
“But let’s get back at the matters at hands – or should I say hooves –, shall we?” A glass of fine wine appeared on his tail, which he kept standing with perfect balance. Frankly, I could not help the small part of me that thought it looked pretty cool. I head-butted it afterward though. “Oh, enough of these childish thoughts, boy.”
Of course, he had to say it while zapping my radio to play the ‘My Little Pony’ theme.
Right…
~ I used to wonder what friendship could be… ~
“Now. I believe you were asking me rudely about the truth of this game, well, not this one.” He pointed to the cards lying on the table. “But our little game of make believe.”
I nodded, keeping the fire of my anger burning preciously. It allowed me to stay mostly stoic when the dead griffon gave me my own hand of cards. It flared when I stole a glance at them.
Garbage, complete garbage.
“This is the hand that Life has given you.”
‘Fitting,’ I thought, annoyed.
“Yes, very fitting, indeed.” Discord nodded. “And you decided it was not good enough. Luckily, the Good Samaritan that is before your eyes decided to give you the chance to change it. You, of course, agreed with great gratitude.”
Whoa, what a great example of bullshit.
“I heard that.” The draconequus glared.
‘I know.’
He blew air out of his nostrils, starting to look decidedly more annoyed. “Right, well, after I had finished twinkling with your luck back on Earth and got you ready to accept my deal, I sent you here.”
Called it! Freaking called it!
“It didn’t take a genius to figure that one out, boy.” He rolled his eyes, taking a sip from his glass. Yeah, literally. It was the exploding chocolate milk all over again. “Though, now that I think about it, the last three bronies didn’t.”
I blinked.
Didn’t see that coming.
“H-how often do you do this?” I asked, mouth dry with the surprise.
“As often as I needed to make sure I got it right. At first, I simply sent them to Ponyville without any chance of return, enjoyed the show of a bunch of ponies suddenly harassing Fluttershy, until they got their restraining order or the declaration they were officially insane. That was entertaining. Then I experimented a bit, giving them the opportunity to cancel and try again: a griffon, a diamond dog, a windigo, a zebra, a manticore, a dragon…” His expression turned sour. “That last one sorted of backfired when the guy liked it so much he cut off his own tongue though. I think he’s flying around Equestria as we speak and I have no way to make him give up. After that, I stuck strictly with ponies. To make sure, I even went after more casual bronies.”
“So I’m just the latest of a long line of humans you’ve screwed over the age?” My eye twitched.
“You could say that.” He nodded. “There’s just something about your species that makes it fun.”
Was that even a compliment? Coming from him, it probably was meant as one, but really, that’d be like telling an ant it was fun stepping on its house. Like the ant, that made me want to climb his leg and bite.
“But enough of these interruptions!” He suddenly yelled, crushing the glass of wine against the table, sending razor sharp shards dangerously close to my face. Now, he really had my full attention. “I’ve got an explanation to give and you’re not listening!”
“I… I am now.” I bit back the same frightened whinny from before. The draconequus really scared the crap out of me…
“Good.” He leaned back into his leather armchair (wait, since when did he have an armchair?), stroking a cat plushy that reminded me of Giantonio. “Like I was saying, my devilishly handsome self gave you a chance to get out of your pathetic excuse of a life.”
With a yelp, I jumped away from my cards, which was understandable seeing as they had caught on fire!
“To do that though, you had to pay some sort of price.”
Understanding started to dawn on me, as I stared at the pile of ashes that was resting in front of me. Not even a spark of flame remained.
There were only ashes.
“But fear not, you got something in return.” Discord’s tail snapped like a whip once more.
I heard the creepiest of clicks from my right as the griffon started moving again. Mechanically, much slower than before, the thing reached for a new card to throw. A deadly cold chill went down my spine when I realized that the source of the clicks were its own bones!
Lightning fast, the griffon threw the first card right at me. I could only squint at the item as it stayed suspended inches away from my forehead. I could not see anything…
The card started falling, swaying like a leaf in the wind, until it reached the table.
Jack of Heart.
“You saw what you could have.”
Another card. The King of Heart.
“You even tasted it, before it turned sour.”
Ten of Heart.
“Did it really matter though? You refused to settle for anything that was not perfection.”
Queen of Heart.
My heart swelled with hope when I realized what hand I was one card away from!
“In the end, you were ready to blind yourself to the obvious truth.” Discord’s voice grew darker, as did the room. Light no longer filtrated through the windows. No, with each word, the atmosphere grew colder, darker. The only thing that emitted any sort of light now was his eyes… “You preferred to think I was all powerful and created everything from scratch, rather than even consider the possibility that you were mistaken about this. No, the big bad Discord is responsible for all your problems, you can do no wrong and you will get the perfect life that you dream of!”
The dealer threw the last card, this time face down. As soon as its task was accomplished, it burst into sickly green flames.
Startled, I stared at the empty space where nothing, not even a trace, remained of the creature Discord had summoned.
Said draconequus simply stared without a word, now holding a guitar instead of a cat plushy. His gaze never left me for a second.
My eyes were fixated on the card. Something in the back of my mind was urging me to leave it over there, to ignore this thing and go back to the real problem at hooves, but…
Nervously, I tried to grab the card with my hooves, only for it to slip away from me. After another failed attempt, I only managed to spray myself all over the table. It made frustration surge in me. How the heck was I supposed to pick up a card from a flat surface with hooves?
Discord chuckled, letting go of his guitar, who promptly decided to ignore gravity and fell up. “Truly, you have to be the clumsiest human I’ve met yet.”
“Hooves.” I raised my front legs toward him, as proof. “That is all.”
“Yes, well, you managed to destroy my dramatic reveal. Here, let me do it for you.” He snapped his claws together.
In a puff of smoke, the card appeared in his paws, clearly visible to me.
Six of Spade.
“Or…” Discord cleared his throat, mumbling something about destroyed timing. “You will not get it after all.”
He beat me, with a pair of six. Wow.
Aaaaand everything was back to normal. Why bother trying to follow him?
“The bigger question, my little furry friend…” he said, his head inches away from my face. “Yes, the BIGGER question is whether or not you can live with the knowledge that what you have belongs to another.”
My voice got stuck in my throat. Truly, I wanted to tell him to go find a sharp object to insert in his body through unsanitary means, but…
He had a point. Discord always has a point, it seemed. By the smirk on his face, I could tell he was aware of it too.
“It’s the same deal as before, boy.” He chuckled. “You get to live away from your troubles, away from your failed classes, your pitiful belongings and your overbearing mom. Your dream comes true without you having to lift a hoof.”
I bit my lips, trying to stop the treacherous thoughts I had that agreed.
“Tempting, isn’t it?” He whispered, twirling around, his body now half circling around me. His breath stroked the fur on my ears. “You want to, don’t deny it, boy. I can see your thoughts.”
‘PRINCESS CELESTIA IS BEST PONY!’
I grinned insolently. Discord stared at me flatly for that. Nonetheless, his snake-like demeanor returned quickly.
“What is stopping you? Nopony will ever be able to tell. Quite frankly, you’re both rather clumsy, bright but never thinking ahead, awkward from times to times. I’ll even give you a crash course on the identity of everypony in your life. Nopony will ever know.”
This was harder than it should be.
I looked down, holding my hooves in front of my face as I would my hands, except I fell forward after a few seconds. It didn’t matter much though; I was comfortable enough not to stumble by now.
Why was I hesitating here? Did I really want to be a pony forever? Could I live with this?
The scariest thing was that I didn’t know.
“So indecisive,” Discord commented in a sing song voice. “Well, here is something you might want to hear before making your choice.”
The gears in my mind came to a brutal halt, replaced by the instinct to just run. An abject fear seized control of me at the idea of what he wanted to tell me.
I’d bet my hind legs that it was not something that would make me feel better about this crappy game!
“Did you ever stop to think – no, of course you didn’t – about why this game has a set number of ten rounds? It’s because it is all I need.”
Oh buy some apples…
“There? See? You can actually think when you stop to do it. The answer just flashed in your mind. Once the game is over, I will be set free!”
I sighed, closing my eyes while acceptance washed over me. From the very start, I knew this was playing with fire. Now I was really going to get burn. The execution, the genderbending, the honeymoon, the crappy job, the midflight battle, the days of walking all alone, the beleaguered assistant almost swallowed by a black hole, the grandpa on his deathbed, none of that would compare. Eh, my personal hell would just be glossed over in the face of that.
I just felt like crying now.
“How?” I asked, head hung low.
“Well, your dear ‘best pony’ made a slight miscalculation. She used the Elements of Harmony on the Spirit of Chaos and Disharmony.”
How was that a mistake for anyone exce-
“LISTEN TO THE END!” He snapped.
…Whatever…
“When Celestia made those all-powerful opposing forces of nature clash, she created a rift in the fabric of reality, right within my stone prison.”
This explained that.
“Yes, boy, it allowed me some measure of control, with a very small window to leak my power through. As you and your fellow humans have noticed, not all ponies are sunshine and rainbows, THAT’S why. However, the first time Celestia and Luna used the Elements, the rift created a portal in this world. The second time around, it was on Earth.”
I was starting to see the bigger picture…
“That’d be a first. Nevertheless, the rift made me aware of your world, human. An incredible place indeed. Why, your whole world is just like the Everfree Forest! Nothing to control the weather, no pony to bless the land and no magic! Chaos reigned supreme on most of your world – and don’t get me started on the Internet. (By the way, I love the idea of Mollestia, I’m definitely brainwashing her into this as soon as I win.) Anyway, even in civilized area, the level of Order and Harmony was not nearly as rigid and omnipresent as that of Equestria.”
I could not help it. It was all on reflexes, Pinkie Promise.
I bucked the bastard in the face.
Fuck yeah! Nobody disses Earth! And that felt good!
“I’ll remember that…” The draconequus hissed, holding his bloody nose. With a sniff, cake fell out and his nose crunched back into place. “Now, where was I? Ah yes, I was about to say that your world allowed me to gorge on chaotic energy… or I would have done that if the window was not so pitifully small. It was pretty much on an atomic scale, not big enough for me to break free. After a few tries, I discovered that if I brought something over, the rift widened.”
Wait… every time?
“Even spending what little magic the chaos you generated was worth rewinding time in place, as each passage only enlarged the rift. Why, by the fourth round, the energy was still a net plus no matter what. I could even influence you directly by then.”
I sat down. I had to. My legs refused to carry me any longer. I was stomped.
“Ten trips to Equestria were all I needed to break free.”
“W-why?” The world had started spinning. I was nauseous. “This makes no sense. Why tell me?”
He flickered a claw at my forehead, snickering. “Because I want to see what you will do, of course!” The draconequus floated away, looking through the window. “Will you forsake your principles and stay here forever? Or will you go back, risking the fate of this world? Really, I just want to know.”
With one last chuckle, he disappeared in a flash of light.
I was alone, with my thoughts and my conscience. All anger and strength blown away, I sat down pitifully.
“Now what?” I asked.
If only somepony could answer me…