An eagle screech alerted the audience that the show they came to see was finally starting. The camera focused in on Stephen Coltbert. “Tonight!” Stephen said as he pointed his hoof at the camera, “Will Twilight Sparkle become an alicorn? I hope not, we already have two that do nothing. Then, can poison joke provide the cure to aging? The new tumor on your face says yes. Plus, I sit down with Nurse Tender Care, who has written a book on the decline of health in Manehatten. Talk about a party pooper. This, is The Coltbert Report.”
The camera transitioned to a beautifully rendered cinematic of Stephen Coltbert running through numerous flags of previous invaders on a background of red, white, and blue. The theme song for the Colbert Report started to play as the cinematic continued. The invader flags disintegrated as Coltbert passed through them. Within a few feet of the last flag, Stephen grabbed an erect Equestrian flag out of the ground and jumped off camera. Numerous words flashed through the background such as “Equestrian”, “Naturally Flavored”, “Element of Truth”, and “Alicorn-in-Training”.
The view changed to Coltbert falling through the same environment before he turned to stare at the camera with a serious face. The flag collided with the ground and sent out a shock wave in the form of the Equestrian flag sigil as Coltbert straightened his posture and smirked. The title emblem for The Coltbert Report flashed over the screen before another eagle screech transitioned the cut between the cinematic and the camera that focuses on Stephen.
Stephen raised his hoof and smiled as he waved at his crowd, who decided to come back to his show for seconds. They chanted Stephen's name for another fifteen seconds as Stephen smiled and straightened the papers on his desk. “Oh yes,” Stephen said as he sat back in his chair. “Oh yes. Thank you. Sit down, sit down, we got a show to do here. I tell you folks, I almost think I am Princess Cadence when I am surrounded by you all, because no one else could give me this much love.”
“Now folks, you know about my obsession with unicorn magic and the magical divide between our evolutionary races. Recently, there have been some rumors floating around concerning Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia's private student. Apparently, the paparazzi have been asking Twilight Sparkle about the Princess Coronation that has been coming up. Twilight Sparkle leaked this information. Jim?”
The camera switched focus to a video of the Canterlot News Network and their report on Twilight. “The student is expected to play a big part in the ceremony. The media is questioning what her intentions are after Twilight said that she would be 'fulfilling her destiny'. Twilight refused to give any future comments.”
The camera switched back to Coltbert as he stared at the camera, as if he was waiting for some additional information that never came. When a few seconds passed without another video, Coltbert snapped back into action. “Of course, Twilight is going to fulfill her destiny! I mean, it makes perfect sense, and by that, I mean it makes no sense at all! As we all expected, the completely true opinions of Faux News were the first to point out the flaws, Jim?”
The camera switched to Good Morning Equestria, a well known Faux News show. Two white stallions were holding blue flash cards while the third mare had a laptop on her lap with a lot of cables hooked up to it, just in case she needed to show something on the screen behind her. The first stallion was right in the middle of speaking as the video began. “Of course Princess Celestia would want to create another one of her kind in order to rule over us. She did it with Princess Cadence, she did it with her sister, and now she is doing it with a unicorn.”
The second stallion nodded his head and pointed his hoof at the camera. “Everypony knows that Twilight is going to become an alicorn at this coronation. Why else would she say that she was going to fulfill her destiny?”
The mare nodded her head and after a few ticks on the laptop, she brought up the Fillypedia article on coronations. “Apparently a coronation is 'a ceremony marking the formal investiture of a monarch and/or their consort with regal power, usually involving the placement of a crown upon their head and the presentation of other items of regalia'. This doesn't feel right. Why would they make a unicorn that has caused mass amounts of destruction to Ponyville into a princess? Does Celestia not care about the well being of her citizens?”
The first stallion moved back into the conversation. “We know the least about this unicorn. For all we know, that unicorn could try to speak for everypony, when she doesn't know anything. We know the least about this unicorn!”
The camera switched back to Coltbert, who pointed his pen at the camera. “Yeah,” he said, “we know the least about Twilight Sparkle! It's not like you can go on the Fillypedia article on Twilight Sparkle and find out that she 'likes daffodil and daisy sandwiches, was born twenty years ago, and has been Princess Celestia's student ever since her magical outburst at Celestia's Academy for Gifted Unicorns.”
Stephen was interrupted as a screen capture of the Fillypedia article on Twilight Sparkle was shown on the border to the right of him with most of his previous sentence highlighted. His expression was replaced with a surprised one as he looked off-camera. “Oh you can? Well, awkward,” he said. Stephen then reached underneath his desk, pulled out a laptop, and powered it out of its sleep mode. He looked back at the camera and smiled. “Nation, I believe that it is time to upgrade ourselves to the journalism of tomorrow. Having said that, I shall bring us to tonight's Word.”
The crowd cheered as the transition for The Word appeared on the right side of the screen while Coltbert remained on the left side. He adjusted his glasses and shifted his papers as “The Word” appeared on the blue background at the same time that Coltbert said it, “Journalassm. Folks, with this new medium that Faux News has started, we can save time and money from having to research for the news. For example, if I want to know something about Astute Observations, the mare that we just saw, I can do something easier and less annoying than scheduling an interview,”
The Word responded with, “By not having an interview.”
Stephen continued. “By looking her up on Fillypedia. For example, I can take her opinion from five years ago on her political stance and leave it at that. Let's see.”
Stephen then moved to his laptop and within a few ticks, found the page on A.O. “Ah hah! It says right here that Astute Observations was a Democolt pets rights activist. Since I have no idea what a Democolt is, I will just assume that the dead animal on her head means that she is no longer a pets rights activist,” he said as he pointed at the short and gray mane that plagued A.O's head.
The Word responded with, “Anyone seen Angel lately?”
Stephen let out a yawn and closed the laptop. “Oh Celestia, can you imagine the energy that it must take to slightly press your hoof down? No wonder there's only one pony there with a laptop. F*beep* this.”
“No, not Angel.”
“I have a better idea. We should do what the two stallions are doing. After all,”
The camera view switched as it focused on an article from cantercolt.com which stated, “Twilight Sparkle's words were the only information that was given when it came to the Coronation. There is no evidence that Twilight will become an alicorn, the only evidence that we have is that Twilight's destiny will be fulfilled, and there is a coronation.”
Coltbert nodded his head and outstretched his forelegs in agreement. “Keeping this in mind, we can assume that the two stallions have become inventors of a new journalism method.”
“Anal retentive memory.”
“Completely making things up. For example, and I'm just spit balling here. A.O is an ursa minor who recently had surgery to change her appearance. Now, we all know that this isn't true, since at least an ursa is capable of shutting up when they need to.”
“And there isn't enough surgery in the world to fix her...”
“Anyway, I'm getting off topic. Faux News has once again upgraded their credibility with their creation of a new kind of journalism. If all of us can pull things out of our ass to be angry about, we can forget about the present. After all, the last thing that any of us wants to do is focus on the present when we can be eternally angry about a fictional future. And that's The Word, we will be right back.”
~
“Welcome back everypony, thank you so much!” Coltbert said among the massive cheering that followed the continuation of his program. He adjusted his glasses as he placed the pen in his hoof nearby his papers. “Folks, they say an apple a day keeps the doctor away. That's why I'm marrying Applejack next week. This is Cheating Death with Dr. Stephen T. Coltbert, D.E.A.”
The crowd cheered as a cinematic played of Stephen sitting down at one of the many chess tables at Manehatten with a pony that reminded everyone of the Grim Reaper. All of the chess pieces were in disarray, with many of Stephen's white pieces missing. Stephen pointed off-screen and yelled out, “Look!”
The Grim Reaper looked towards Stephen's distraction and the pundit shifted around a few pieces that caused an instant checkmate for the Reaper. As the Reaper looked back to the board, Stephen smiled, looked to the camera, and shrugged.
The camera switched back to Stephen as he sat up in his chair. “Just a disclaimer, I'm not a medical doctor. I have a honorary doctorate in Equestrian Arts. So I can tell you that there is a sun in this. As usual, Cheating Death is sponsored by PressPlot Pharmaceuticals. PressPlot: Give the gift that keeps on giving: a lawsuit. First up, aging,” he said. As he finished his sentence, a skeleton of a pony quickly grew a beard and proclaimed, “Old”. Coltbert continued, “Nation, you all know that we don't want to look a year past twenty. That's why I tell my wife to keep trying until I can love her again. Recently, some scientists in Marelaysia have uncovered a possible secret to aging. Jim?”
The camera switched to a video clip of an interview between a zebra and a reporter. The zebra looked like she had just finished her discovery since she was still wearing a lab coat and goggles. The zebra was speaking in a different language from Equestrian, which meant that subtitles were placed at the bottom. “We have made a discovery through the use of potion making about aging. We found a cure that involves poison joke, belladonna, and heart's desire. Through the use of these three ingredients, you can create an elixir that will reduce aging by one year.”
The camera switched back to Stephen, who pointed his pen at the camera for a moment as he spoke. “Exactly! One whole year! Marelaysia has certainly found a breakthrough by mixing together three completely dangerous ingredients in order to make something that can only be achieved by the unobtainable goal of exercise. That's why PressPlot Pharmaceuticals is proud to present,” Stephen paused as he reached under his desk to pull out a bottle of pills. He placed it on the desk and faced the label towards the camera. “Pacsa-Phy. A once a month pill that can be taken for those who want to take off a few years. The ingredients inside of the pill will take off a certain old part of your body so that it can be replaced with something young and new. You just simply take the pill,” Stephen placed the pill into his mouth and pulled a glass of water from underneath his desk. He sipped it and swallowed before he let out a sigh of relief. “Then you wait for the pill to kick i-oh sh*beep*.”
Stephen's right foreleg fell out of his business suit and bounced off of his desk and onto the floor. He leaned over the desk in order to look at his missing leg before he looked back to the camera. The crowd was laughing up a storm as Coltbert switched his glances between the fallen leg and the camera for a few takes. “Good thing I have a spare,” he said as one of his crew ponies ran out onto the set and gave him a fake foreleg, which he placed inside of his suit. He used the fake hoof to push the pill bottle to the side as he smiled. “Side effects of Pacsa-Phy include Griffin balls, Parasprite face, malignant tumors, and Changeling legs. Well, that's it for Cheating Death. Brought to you by PressPlot Pharmaceuticals. PressPlot: Princess Celestia doesn't know of us yet. I'll see you in health!”
~
Cheering continued as another commercial ended for The Report. Coltbert outstretched his hooves as he surveyed his audience. “Thank you everypony! My guest tonight thinks that health is becoming less of a focus in Equestria.” Coltbert paused as he pulled out a large hay burger with seven pieces of hay bacon, hot sauce, vanilla frosting, and sprinkles. “What is she talking about? Please welcome, Nurse Tender Care!”
Coltbert balanced the plate on his back and he trotted off of his desk and over to the interview desk while his theme music played. He placed the burger on the interview table and he smiled as he sat down in his chair. Nurse Tender Care, a light green Earth pony with mint green eyes and a golden mane gave a glance to the burger before she giggled slightly, despite her complete distaste for the food.
Coltbert took a big bite out of the burger and chewed a few times while the crowd behind him let out groans of disgust. Coltbert swallowed and then pushed the plate slightly towards the Nurse. “Want a bite?” he asked.
Tender Care shook her head and smiled. “No thank you, I'm fine,” she responded with a slight chuckle.
Coltbert pulled the burger back to himself and smiled as he lined up the blue cards full of questions that he had. “Alright, you are a graduate of Canterlot's School for Gifted Unicorns. You acquired your medical degree a few years later. You are the medical consult for every hospital in Manehatten, and you have written a book called, 'Fat Foals, the Examination of Manehatten Eating Habits'. Now, when it comes to this book, uh... I haven't read it, what... exactly are you talking about?”
As Tender Care prepared her response, Coltbert took another bite of the burger and let out a few “Mmm”s in response while half of the crowd laughed and half of the crowd groaned in disgust once more. Tender Care smiled as she pointed at that burger. “I'm talking about that,” she said as Coltbert looked up from the plate with a quizzical expression.
“My burger?” Coltbert asked. “What's wrong with my burger?”
Tender Care continued. “Within the last few years, Equestria has been evolving as far as technology is concerned. Because of this, there have been a lot of new inventions that I call 'Snack Foods'. They aren't meant to give you any nutrition, they are just there to fill you up and addict you to their product. We don't have any laws with food in this country... so we have products like Flim Flam Flakes that claim to be based on apples when they are merely apple flavored. Or we have snacks that claim to be potato or carrot flavored when they are merely potato chips with coloring and magical flavors that don't have anything to do with carrots or other vegetables.”
Coltbert raised an eyebrow as he wiped his mouth with a napkin that he kept in his suit pocket. “But shouldn't children have the right to decide whether or not they want to eat an apple or blow through a bag of Flim Flam Flakes?” he asked. “We are Equestrians, and I'm sure the Flim Flam Brothers are just trying to sell legitimate products to us free individuals.”
Tender Care chuckled a little bit as her voice started to grow a little irritated. Apparently she didn't get the memo about Coltbert's behavior. “Well, first of all, we never had any obesity issues back when Princess Celestia was ruling with her sister,” she said.
The crowd gave her an applause break and Coltbert looked behind him. He raised an eyebrow and then turned back to Tender Care with a smile. “I see they finally warmed up to my frosting burger idea.”
Tender Care continued without responding to Coltbert. “Second of all, just because there is a new legislative body in Canterlot doesn't mean that we are free. But we are getting off topic. There are a lot of mediums for snack creators to reach to our children. Commercials, newspapers, magazines, the Ponynet, and more. Manehatten is the largest buyer of snack foods on this side of the world, and as a result, we have a larger obesity rate among our children than Canterlot and Ponyville combined. Granted, there aren't that many children in Canterlot or Ponyville compared to Manehatten, but this is still a trend that worries me. I started this book when snack foods came out and published it a few weeks ago when I finished my findings. If we can't get our Manehatten mayor or elected official to even bring up the problem of marketed snacks, then obesity will continue to rise.”
Stephen placed a hoof underneath his chin and then placed one of his cards on top of the other. He turned towards the camera and then pulled out a can of Colta-Cola. He raised the can to camera level and then opened it. “I would agree with you, if I wasn't contractually enamored by the taste of Colta-Cola,” he responded as he took a large drink of the can. “Available at your nearest sugar factory, I mean... supermarket.”
Tender Care rolled her eyes with a small smirk as the crowd cheered on Coltbert. The pundit placed the can back onto the table and he shook the mare's hoof. “Thank you so much. 'Fat Foals'! It's on the bookshelves now! We'll be right back!”
~
Stephen waved at the camera as the final commercial break for The Report ended. The crowd kept cheering as he remained seated at his desk. “That's it for The Report everyone! Good night!” he said as his theme music played him off. He brought out the pill bottle of Pacsa-Phy and popped another fake pill as the camera focused on his show's logo.
