//------------------------------// // No Rest for the Wicked Awesome // Story: The Equestrian Hero's Call: Homecoming // by Genis94 //------------------------------// I woke up in the morning groggy and dying to get back to sleep. I looked at the clock to see that it was around 8 in the morning. Feeling that going back to sleep was not happening anytime soon, I decided to go and take a shower in the nearby bathroom. Not wanting to get my only set of clothes wet in the fairly small bathroom, I removed them after locking the door to the room and seeing that Luna was gone. "She must have gone to breakfast already. I can smell it all the way up here." With a shrug, I walked over to the bathroom and opened the door. I was greeted to quite the shocking sight. Luna blinked in surprise at me with a towel wrapped around her waist. After a few moments of being distracted by the sight of her scantly clad body, I realized what was making her blush so hard. I quickly covered up with a nearby towel and tried to quickly explain. "I-I'm sorry! It's not what you-" "Don't look!" She shrieked. *Whump!* Luna launched me into the ground with a telekinetic wave of magic. "Owwww...." I groaned. "Modesty improved... Reaction needs work..." I commented as my trauma was regenerated. Luna clutched her towel tightly, but had a stern look in her eyes. "Forgive me if my reaction towards a Peeping Tom was not normal." She sarcastically shot back. I got up and pointed my finger at her as I defended myself. "Okay for starters, I had no idea you were in the shower. Second, the door was unlocked. And third, you didn't seem all that phased when you decided to share a bed with me without clothes." Luna looked down remorseful of her response. "I am sorry... I should not have been so forgetful and foolish. And as for my response, it was a moment of circumstance. Even back in Equestria it is quite embarrassing to be seen by a colt whilst bathing." "That doesn't really make sense, but it's a start for learning human modesty. Although, you might not want to slam people into walls." Luna flinched at my words, and I felt bad for poking fun at her previous actions. I got up and hugged Luna comfortingly, though I was cautious not to alarm her again. "Sorry for being a bit inconsiderate of how you must have felt." I told her. Luna blushed and shied her gaze away from mine. "You needn't apologize to make me feel better. I am the only one to blame." "Hey, you just got a little forgetful. I probably should have knocked when I saw the door was closed anyway." Luna finally drew her gaze back to me and embraced me in a hug of her own. "Thank you for not being angry. I'm sorry I assumed the worst towards you." "Hey, I said it's alright. Just remember: I'd never do anything to try and hurt you." I assured her. "You're so sweet." She said as she placed her head to my chest and gave me another hug. "That and I know your sister would kick my ass six ways to Sunday." I chuckled. Luna gave a soft giggle before releasing me and allowing me to use the shower. Once I was finished I got dressed and made my way downstairs. The smell of breakfast made my mouth water. I sniffed the air as I identified each of the scents. "Pancakes, toast, and... Oh crap..." That last scent made me fear the worst. A full out panic could commence at any second if what I smelled was true. I quickened my pace to the kitchen and spotted the perpetrator of my demise. One of my favorite treasures was about to do me in. "Bacon..." I whispered in horror. I looked over to the table to spot Celestia and the others beginning their meals. I tapped Celestia on the shoulder to get her attention. "Celestia, please tell me you know what's on that plate!" I whispered to her. "Of course. It's pancakes, toast, and bacon, silly." She cheerfully replied. "Do you know what bacon is?!" I whispered with greater urgency. Celestia gave me a warm, comforting grin. "If you are worried about how I or the other ponies would react to meat, I have already explained the situation to them, and they understand completely." My mind went blank for a few moments as her words were processed. "What?" Was all I could ask. "I have already explained to them that these human bodies require nourishment from a human diet. While I would have requested substitutes like tofu, there isn't any on hand and I don't want to burden your family." Now, lucky viewers, it's time for... Guess... That... Reaction! Run around flailing arms while screaming gibberish? Bash head against wall claiming it's a dream? Faint? Or will it be: just roll with it? And the survey says... Faint! That was it. Seeing Celestia take a bite of bacon sent me over the edge and caused my mind to shut down. *Thud!* -------- "Oh dear! I hope he's okay." Fluttershy said. "Well, he is immortal, darling." Rarity responded. "I think I know what'll get him up." Rainbow Dash chuckled. I could feel a set of lips press against my own. My eyes bulged open and I could see the shocked expression on Luna, who's lips were being pressed against mine by Rainbow Dash. Rainbow released Luna, who recoiled back, but kept a blush and a shy grin. "Told you. True love's kiss always gets the job done." Rainbow proudly said. I glared daggers at her. "My vengeance will be swift and unseen." I growled. Rainbow merely laughed off the idea. "You're talking to one of the best pranksters in Ponyville! What makes you think you could ever get the drop on me?" "Shadow bending technique. Remember?" I said with a grin. Suddenly all the color drained from Rainbow's face. "H-how about we just call it even for the flight incident?" "Oh no. I already saved your life once, so flying me to the hospital and saving me from crashing already made us even for that. There's nothing to hold me back now." Rainbow Dash gulped in fear. Even one as confident as her recognized the threat of an enemy you couldn't see. I went over to the table and had some breakfast myself. After finishing the meal (Oh man I missed bacon), I sat down with the others to discuss our current situation. "So how are we going to find our way back to Equestria?" I asked. Everyone remained silent due to their uncertainty. Even Celestia was at a loss for ideas. After a moment Spike raised his hand. "Yes, Spike?" "Well, if what's stopping us from getting back is a powerful magic force, then all we have to do is find the source and stop it, right?" I thought for a moment. "That's actually not a bad idea! We'd need to find a way to locate it first. Until then, we might be staying here a while, and I'm not sure that the clothes Celestia provided will last for all of you. Not to mention this is my only good set of clothes, myself." Walter walked up with a grin. "If I may, sir, you and your friends could come along with me to the local mall. I need to go and pick up the Xbox systems for the rooms anyway, and I believe your parents told me to give you this before they left for an important trip." Walter held out a package with an envelope on the top. I opened the envelope and read the letter inside. "Dear Robert, As much as we want to stay at home since you have just come back, we unfortunately must head out to California to see your twin sister at a dance camp she has entered. We promised to spend Christmas up there with her, but know that we'll hold you in our hearts as we celebrate. We've already given Walter a list of gifts to get for you, and we know that he will be able to tend to your needs while we're gone. In case you return to Equestria before we see you again, we love you, and we'll always be proud of you. From, Mom and Dad P.S. I'm glad to see you've found yourself a woman! I wish the best for you. Dad" "Thanks, guys..." I lovingly said. "What's in the box? Open it! Open it!" Pinkie demanded. "Okay. Calm down." I told the bouncing girl. I opened the lid to the box and felt my jaw hit the floor when I saw what was inside. Money. Lots of money. "I believe they said they left you with a sum of $20,000. They said it was to make up for lost time, and they recommended using it for your friends as well." Walter informed. "Welp, I guess I'm going to the mall! I'll see you guys when I get back with clothes and other-" "Hold it right there! You're going out shopping and not bringing us?" Vinyl asked, insulted. I held up my hands defensively. "I'm sorry, but horns and wings aren't really normal. Not to mention you guys don't really know what to expect. I don't want you to cause a scene." "But, you've already shown us so much with your shows, and you talked about life on Earth all the time! I'm sure we can act perfectly normal." Twilight argued. I thought about it for a moment. "Eh. What the hell? It might actually help to get people knowing that you're here. If we can get the power of the public, we probably won't have to worry about those Ascension goons trying anything funny. Next time they might do something worse, like send in ninjas." "Ninjas?" Rainbow said with a deadpanned expression. "Hey, you can't prepare for ninjas." I retorted. "Well sir, I'll bring the limousine around for you." Walter told me. "Thanks... Limousine?" -------- All of the former ponies audibly beheld the long limousine in front of us. This wasn't just a limo. It was the kind that you would see a celebrity ride around in. It was equipped with a small mini-fridge, an audio system, and the seats were soft enough to sleep in. Walter eyed the weapons I brought aboard suspiciously. "If I may be so bold to ask, why are you bringing weapons on a trip to the mall?" "Walter, if those goons decide to jump us again, I want to be able to protect myself without getting blasted to bits. Don't get me wrong, it can't kill me, but it still hurts like hell." I explained. "Fair enough, sir. I'll defer to your judgement." I took my seat inside the limo next to Luna. Walter took the driver seat and we began our trip to the mall. I noticed an audio input port near the divider window. "Walter, is there an audio input cord in here?" I asked. "Hmm? Oh yes. I believe it's in the drawer above the mini-fridge." Following his instruction I opened the drawer and found what I was looking for. I went back to the input port and plugged in my iPhone. Searching through the music library, I found a song to my liking. The beat was infectious as each of the former ponies found themselves tapping to the beat. Soon enough the singing began, and Luna found herself listening intently. "Is this...?" I grinned to her. "You're really popular in this world. This is barely scratching the surface." Luna gave me a nudge. "You're just a giant flirt, aren't you?" "Only when I feel like it. I'd like to think I'm classier than some of my so called 'peers'." I said. Luna seemed upset by this. "Why do you seem to hold such contempt?" I sighed. This was going to be my life story. "Before I came to Equestria, I was a complete loser. I was that kid that always got picked on just because he was scrawny, smart, and into nerdy things. I guess I can scratch off scrawny now." I chuckled as I looked to my above average form. I had trained for months after the Chrysalis incident. I may not have been as toned as Captain America, but I wasn't that scrawny kid anymore. "Anyway, I had often struck out with girls in the past, but I kept seeing the same guys who would love nothing more than to pound me into the dirt getting dates. After a while I just got the idea that most girls in high school were only interested in the popular guys. I made up my mind that I didn't want to be like those guys at all. I wanted to find someone, but I didn't want to do it because not having a girlfriend means you're gay or a loser, I wanted to find someone because I felt a connection. And for the record, I have nothing against anyone in the gay community. Heck, a bunch of my friends were gay and they were much better than the guys who would light everything on fire in chemistry." Luna looked at me as though she had brought up a horrible memory. "I'm sorry if that brought up any unpleasant memories..." She paused and gave me a peck on the cheek. "But I don't think you're a loser at all." "Oh, you're just saying that." I dismissed. "Even if that were true, you'd still be my loser." She warmly said. "Awwwww!" Everyone else said in unison. I allowed myself a smile. "I guess it's finally happened. I can shake off all the bad memories and live as myself." "How'd I ever catch your eye?" I asked the alicorn beside me. "Well, perhaps saving us all had something to do with it, but what really made me take notice of you is that you were always so selfless and brave. You fought to save Equestria even when it wasn't your own home. And back when I was captured by Despair, I told you to run and save yourself. You stood your ground and refused, even when you were facing impossible odds. You fought to save both me and my sister, how could I not find an interest in you?" "Oh, so it's just the hero thing, huh? Not my charm or good looks." I teased. "Your heroics only started the interest. What drew me in was how you were you." If I wasn't blushing before, I was now. I leaned over and gave Luna a peck on the cheek, earning more Awww's from the crowd. -------- The mall was something spectacular. It was a massive building containing over a hundred different stores. I think I could see Rarity drooling when she caught sight of it. I left my weapons in the limo before I turned to the group and began addressing them. "Okay, rule 1: we all stay together. Rule 2: try not to cause trouble. And rule 3: if things look bad, we run for the exit." "And rule 4..." Pinkie grinned. "Have fun!" She cheered as she bounced from her seat." "Well, yes. I guess that's a good rule too." I suddenly realized that everyone had gotten off without me. "H-hey! Wait up!" I jumped out of the limo after them with Walter jogging beside me. I had to admit, for his age he was really spry. I caught up to them inside the main entrance. "Hey, what did I tell all of you about... sticking... together..." I found myself gawking at the inside of the mall along with them. There was just too much! Winding escalators, massive and well built stores, and the arcade...! ...Hey, don't judge me for getting hyped about an arcade. This one was incredible. It had all the best arcade games stocked. Street Fighter, BlazBlue, House of the Dead... The list just keeps going. "This is... words cannot describe...!" I expressed my astonishment. "It is quite the marvel." Celestia remarked. As the Princess of the Sun was gazing at the sights with the rest of us, she took notice of a particular restaurant. Her mouth began to water and her feet began shuffling uncontrollably towards the sign. "Whoa there! We just had breakfast an hour ago." I told her as I placed a hand on her shoulder. "Huh? I was... Did I miss something?" I looked past her shoulder to see what she had her eyes set on. I gave a small chuckle once I read the sign. "We'll stop at the Cheesecake Factory for lunch, okay?" Celestia's usual motherly demeanor vanished as she wrapped me in a hug like a child that had been promised a new toy. "Thank you!" She said as she squeezed my rib cage. "I'm *ack!* happy that... you're happy." I told her as I found difficulty breathing. Celestia released me and flashed me a warm grin. "Well then, shall we start buying proper clothes?" "Right. First we need to find a directory. This place looks like it's easy to get lost in." "I found it." Pinkie said. I followed her pointing finger to see a directory standing directly behind me. "Huh. How'd I miss that?" I took a paper copy of the map and looked for where clothing stores would be. After finding a suitable location that had multiple clothing stores in one spot, I took the lead as the others followed. I wasn't really all that good with fashion. I usually just grabbed a T-shirt and jeans for my daily attire, so I allowed Rarity to pick out appropriate clothes from each of the stores we visited. I will admit, we did get a few sideways glances, but I guess nobody looked too closely or anything... Or maybe they just thought it best to keep walking and not interact with the strange women, either one. We had finally gotten almost everything that we needed... except for one thing... "Y-you all go inside and follow Rarity's lead. Spike and I will wrap up our shopping." I meekly told them. Octavia seemed confused by my change in tone. "Is something the matter? You seem flustered." Vinyl walked up behind Octavia and wrapped an arm around her neck. "I think he's just a little embarrassed about this last stop~." She teased. "Yes, I'm embarrassed. You're buying underwear for Celestia's sake!" I shot back. I rubbed my temples in annoyance. "Look, I'll grab some for Spike and myself quick. We'll all head back at the Cheesecake Factory when we're done, okay?" "Don't worry, darling. I'm sure I've figured out our measurements by now." Rarity assured. "That's a bit unnerving, Rarity." Twilight whimpered. "Oh hush, Twilight. I've simply been able to figure it out based on what we've learned and estimating your proportions." I began dragging Spike over to the Boscov's at the end of the hall. After locating the men's clothing section, I picked out some packs of underwear for myself and the former dragon. After the simple task was done, we made our way back to the Victoria's Secret they had gone in. Spike and I sat down on a bench and waited for the group to finish. "Oh, here they come." I said as I spotted the familiar faces coming out of the exit. I waved them over to us and they eagerly approached. "Whoa, guys. Check out these weird chicks." A voice suddenly said. About four college aged guys strolled up and stepped in front of the group. Let me tell you right now, these guys were your average delinquent group. "Look at those weird dye jobs." One of the others commented. "And what's with these fake horns and wings?" Another said. The fourth one grabbed Fluttershy's wing and began inspecting it rather roughly. "Ow! Could you please not *Ah!* hurt me like that?" Rainbow Dash stepped in and shoved one of them away while I jogged between the two groups. "Leave Fluttershy alone!" She shouted at the one that mistreated her wings. He seemed to be too stunned from something else to care. "Holy crap, guys! Those things are real!" He said as he pointed at Fluttershy who was nursing her wing. "What a bunch of freaks!" The first one said. "And look at the one in black! What's with the freaky hair?" "Back off." I growled at the first delinquent. "Ohhh! I'm so scared! What the hell are you gonna do? Beat it. I'm thinkin' we might be able to give these freaks a 'ride', eh guys?" "Lay so much as one hand on them, and you're a dead man." I growled again. The first guy tried to respond with a right hook, but I caught the fist in mid-flight. I began gripping it with enough force to make him kneel in pain. "Ow! Lay off, man!" "If I catch you guys messing with my friends, or Luna again, I'll be sure to send you out in stretchers!" I warned them. The four of them scrambled away and I kept my eyes locked on them until they were a good distance away. I turned around and stepped over to Fluttershy. "Hey, did they hurt you?" Fluttershy looked up with her wing still in her hands. "Mmm hmm." She nodded. "Sorry I didn't step in sooner. Do you want to just head back to the estate now, or will you be alright to go to lunch?" "Umm, I-I'm alright to have some lunch." She stepped forward and hugged me. "Thanks for sticking up for me. You too, Rainbow." "Hey, it's what friends do." I told her. With that little incident behind us, we all went back to the Cheesecake Factory for our lunch. -------- Everyone was having a good time now. We had a hearty meal, and we were in the middle of enjoying the best part of the Cheesecake Factory: the cheesecake. "Oh man, this Hershey chocolate cake is the bomb!" I said between greedy bites of the desert. Celestia was too busy digging into her Godiva chocolate cheesecake to care. She took care to dip each piece into the provided whipped cream for maximum flavor. Everything was going smoothly, and nothing could go wrong. *Thoom.* Nothing could go wrong. *Thoom!* NOTHING COULD GO WRONG! *THOOM!* "Son of a bitch!" I cursed. "What in tarnation is all that ruckus?" Applejack wondered. "Knowing my luck, those military goons brought some bigger toys. And knowing Anderson, he's probably forgotten what the word civilian means." I muttered. Looking outside the entrance I could see people scrambling to get to the exits of the mall. I didn't know what it was, but I had to get to the bottom of it. I began running in the opposite direction of the crowd, making my way to the center plaza. By the time I reached the plaza and caught sight of what was causing the noise, the military wasn't looking so bad. This thing was big, strong, and generally taking swings at anything that moved. It was some kind of massive black automaton with piercing red eyes and a massive blade for a right arm. It had to be at least 20 feet in height, and despite it being robotic in nature, something about it appeared to be ancient. "M-mommy!" I looked to the source of the noise to see a young boy crying in fear. The automaton began turning to the sound as well, and I could tell what was to come. "Piercing light of the sun! Eternal shadow of the moon! Grant me your power in my time of need, and vanquish my enemies!" I recited. Hearing my command, my weapons transformed into orbs of light and flew to my position from the limo. As soon as the weapons were in my possession, I sprinted to intercept a cleaving strike from the automaton. *Clang!* The young boy was sniffling behind me in fear. I had reinforced my shield with shadow energy to absorb the blow from the blade. "Hey kid, get somewhere safe. I'll take care of the scary thing." I instructed. The child sniffled, but nodded and began running away. "Robert!" Twilight called out once she caught up. "Twilight, I need some containment. Now!" "R-right!" She nodded. Twilight focused her magic and created barriers to seal off the paths to the plaza. "Now that that's taken care of, what do you say we go a few rounds?" I taunted the metal construct. The automaton drew back it's blade and prepared for another strike. I rolled to the left to avoid the incoming strike and charged up my sword with light as I slashed at his leg. The blade cut clean through and caused the metal menace to crash to the ground. "That wasn't so ba-" The automaton was far from finished. His lower section split open and two shorter, thicker legs sprang out for him to stand on, while his remaining leg began spinning around his waist as a weapon. "Of course..." I groaned. I charged at my foe and leaped over his spinning leg. Just as I was about to land a strike, I spotted his blade out of the corner of my eye. I barely had time to get my shield in position, and I was launched into the concrete wall at high speed anyway. As my vertebrae re-positioned themselves thanks to my immortality, My opponent began advancing towards me. "Alright, I'm through playing around with you!" I charged up my sword with light energy and launched it as a projectile to cleave off his blade arm. I leaped through the air as his blade hit the ground and sliced off his head in a single motion. Not leaving anything to chance, I enveloped his body with a shadow sphere and focused all of my energy to collapse it and crush his metal frame into a harmless sphere of scrap. "Rest in pieces." I insulted. Twilight lowered the barriers, and I found that I had accumulated quite the crowd. "Uh... Nothing to worry about folks. Problem solved." I said as I prepared for just about any reaction. A young boy wormed his way past the onlookers while holding the hand of a woman. "Mommy! That's the good guy that saved me!" He said as he pointed his finger to me. The woman rushed forward with her son and grabbed my hands in gratitude. "Oh thank you for saving my baby! When that thing attacked I just couldn't find him and the crowd kept pushing!" "All part of the job, ma'm." A calmly assured her. Luna and the others rushed forward to join me. Luna tightly hugged me once the woman had said her final thank you. "I'm so glad you're unharmed." She said as she held me close. "What? You act like I haven't done this sort of thing before." I responded. Celestia stepped forward with a serious look on her face. "I believe she is concerned with very good reason." I sighed. "That thing was magic wasn't it? I knew I felt something familiar when I was fighting it." "You're lucky you didn't take a direct hit from it. If you had... I wish not to burden Luna with the thought." "Don't worry, I'm always careful." I assured her. The crowd must have overheard us as they began muttering how crazy the idea of magic was. But soon they began to argue how there weren't many explanations for what they saw. One man walked up with a notepad. "Excuse me, sir. Could you explain the situation?" From the look of him, he must have been a reporter. My luck was finally turning good. "That pile of scrap there is what's left of a magic automaton that attacked the people here. I took it out, but I couldn't have done it without the help of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and my friends." "Princess Celestia?" He asked. "Princess of the land of Equestria. Without the weapons she and Luna provided me, I wouldn't have been able to fight that thing." I explained. "I... I'm not sure I..." He began. "Sorry, but that's all the time I have for now. I need to get going." I said as I began leading the Equestrians through the crowd. Once we made it to the exit, I found Walter had brought the limo around. "Sir, I heard the commotion in there and thought to bring the limo around to get you out as soon as you arrived. What happened?" He asked. I shrugged nonchalantly. "Oh, you know. Did some shopping, had lunch, and I fought a 20 foot tall magic automaton. Just an average day for me." "My, sir! Just what do you do to get into these situations?" "Well, I guess there ain't no rest for the wicked."