“That's it for the show everyone, good night!”
Explosive cheering followed the exit of the political pundit as he walked through the prop door near his collection of accolades and continued to his office. Another night, another amazing show of political irony and comedy. Stephen Colbert let out a sigh of relief as he loosened a few buttons on his suit. His hands then moved over the numerous envelopes that bombarded his desk while he was taping his show. The Colbert Report was carefully organized, almost to a formulaic degree. While he did his show, all of his mail and possible interview letters were shuffled through by a few employees. Not a single letter was thrown away, merely organized by possible interest to Colbert with interviews always on the top of the stack. Unfortunately for him, the stack had disassembled into a big mess.
Chocolate eyes scanned over the numerous envelopes that now took over his usually clean desk. The rest of his patience kept him from shoveling the envelopes into his suitcase with his arm so that he could go home to his family. After all, he could always read the envelopes before he went to sleep. A certain amount of sloped envelopes caught his eye as he turned his attention to the right side of the desk. He picked up the envelopes that were hiding the item underneath, and was surprised to find a scroll. Tan paper rolled up and tied with a golden seal was sitting on the desk in front of him. Colbert let out a laugh. “What is this, the 1600s?” he asked as he picked up the scroll. He gave a small glance towards the digital clock on his desk and his eyes widened upon the realization that it was getting late. Even though he tapes his shows and sends them to Comedy Central beforehand, New York traffic was going to leave him waiting hours if he didn't leave soon.
Stephen quickly opened his suitcase and placed the scroll inside. He decided that he was going to read this one piece of mail for the night. After all, it was a Thursday, which meant that he had a three day vacation full of nothing but relaxation and bonding time with his family. What could be better than that when he just spent four days debunking the mysteries of a confusing government? The mind always needed a good break.
He walked out of his office and started his descent towards his car. His fast pace was sporadically interrupted by some of his staff members as they congratulated him on another well performed show. He always thanked them, but he knew better than to blow it out of proportion. His show was a collaborative effort between everyone involved and he wouldn't have it any other way. Sure, he was the one that acquired all of the publicity and fame, but he always made sure to thank his staff when he received awards or any kind of honor (when he wasn't in character of course).
He entered his car and closed the door behind him. His suitcase inhabited the passenger seat while he started the car and continued onto the road. His prediction had came true. Within a few lights, he had already plunged into bumper to bumper traffic. Despite the slight irritation that came with having to wait an hour until he got home, he realized that this would be a good time to read the scroll in his suitcase. While his eyes remained on the road, his right hand rummaged through the suitcase. Due to a now inconvenient amount of clasps and papers, the scroll took a few minutes to find. When he finally felt the rough texture of the paper through his fingertips, he pulled the scroll into his lap. The rest of the suitcase could wait for the time being. His curiosity was getting the better of him.
When he first put his hands on the scroll, he half assumed that it was a prank. Joke shops were prevalent in the United States. However, the seal on the middle of the scroll looked too legitimate to be fake. A golden sticker with a large “C” was imprinted on the middle. Joke shops usually didn't put that much effort into the seal. With the dextrous movement of his fingers, he slit the sticker in half and positioned the scroll against his radio. His fingers kept the scroll straight while his eyes darted between the street and the scroll.
“Reality leaves a lot to the imagination. I believe one of your subjects said this. I am not completely sure how to word this letter to you, Mr. Colbert, because I am afraid that it will simply be thrown away with the trash if I am completely honest. My name is Princess Celestia. I am sure that you already know the meaning behind my name and are questioning it.”
Stephen stopped reading for a moment and continued along the street at his one mile an hour speed. This letter was making him smile. That was indeed the case, he was questioning this letter. However, because of his questions, he only grew more curious. He continued to read.
“I am a co-ruler of a land beyond the realms of most imaginations. It is not located on your plane of existence. You could say that it is merely fiction, but if that was the case, I could bring you here and prove such a definition wrong. For the time being, let's just call it that: fiction. I do not wish to waste any more of your time without stating my intentions: I need you. My nation is slowly slipping through my hooves-”
Colbert paused once more. Hooves? Being the analytical person that he was, this word immediately jumped out at him. Unless this Princess Celestia was wearing some kind of horse paraphernalia, he was talking to an anthropomorphic creature. Either that, or someone was trying to play a joke on him. It was too late to put the scroll down now, he was way too interested. Hook, line, and sinker.
“The political discourse that comes with the technological advancements of society has caught up to me and I am no longer able to merely quell the questions of harmony with my words. I wish I could say more, but I do not wish to give out any more information to someone that might not care. I offer this proposition: please allow me to elaborate further to you in a lunch meeting at the time of your choosing. I would wish to do it now, but I understand that you have obligations that you probably have to address. I will be honest with you, if you agree to this lunch, most of what you consider to be a reality will be slightly different from where I live. I will be honest and frank throughout our whole meeting. I know you are busy and do not wish to have any of your time wasted. If you read this letter completely, then I thank you for giving me your patience. There is a line near the bottom of the scroll. Simply sign your name and the date of our lunch (within the next week) and the scroll will disappear.”
Stephen rolled the scroll back up with one hand and turned his eyes back to the road. An alerting car horn from behind told him that he was probably going slower than the usual patience of a New York rush hour traffic victim. He smiled and continued the drive home while his mind tried to wrap around the information that was just given to him. Out of all the letters that he received, this one gave him the most questions. Was the scroll telling the truth? Would a prank be worded so elaborately? He remembered the numerous memes with a sophisticated gentleman explaining things in a more elaborate manner and chuckled slightly before his mind was brought back to the scroll. It did have an explanation on how to get rid of it. Perhaps if he tried it out... his questions could be answered. Stephen's eyes widened as he swerved away from a merging car, braking slightly to avoid crashing his new model into the other. “Whoa,” he said, “gotta pay attention, Colbert.”
~
The opening of his door created a Pavlovian reaction among his children. Although Stephen had a strong center of gravity and weighed an average amount for his age, the force at which his children tackled him nearly pushed him over every time. One would think that he would grasp the door frame for extra balance to avoid his fall, but Colbert considered it a tradition. If his legs and ribs weren't hurting from two sudden tackles, something was wrong.
“Daddy, I missed you!” a brunette haired boy responded as he looked into his father's eyes.
“I missed you too John.” Stephen responded as he dropped his suitcase so that he had a hand free to tussle the hair of his children.
Another older brunette with his father's eyes smiled and looked towards the kitchen. “Mom has been preparing dinner for the last hour. John and I have been helping,” he said.
Stephen nodded his head as he took a few steps into the house. He closed the door behind him and paused when he saw a particular one of his children in the hallway. The lack of a cell phone in her hand could perpetuate the vision that the child was sincere and wanted to see her father when he came home. Unfortunately, that was not the case since his wife held the phone in her pocket due to a previous incident that involved sneaking into the house at two in the morning. Stephen knew that without her phone, Madeline would endure waterboarding to get it back. That was the point.
“Hello Madeline.” Stephen said in a warm tone to avoid an awkward confrontation. His other two children looked towards the sixteen year old. Apparently the grudge was still in effect, since Madeline didn't say anything. She walked back to her room and Colbert sighed.
An awkward silence rang out among the three males in the house. It was finally broken by a television in the living room as audience laughter met Stephen's ears. He couldn't have moved quicker. His children let go of Stephen's legs and he moved to the living room. There he was, providing a story on SuperPACs with irony and sarcasm completely in mind. Stephen changed the channel to a random number on the remote which showed colorful ponies and their new adventures. A smile moved across Stephen's face as he remembered his brony shout-outs. He looked towards a doorway to the kitchen and he followed through it. John sat down on the couch and started to watch while Peter walked out of the living room to attend to his own hobbies.
Bubbling pots frequently threatened to spill their contents onto the stove and the woman in front of them. Due to the years of experience she acquired from a husband that was unable to cook, all of the liquids, sauces, and noodles were expertly tamed into their respective places. Evelyn Colbert looked up from her cookware as her husband walked into the kitchen and she smiled as the two shared a hug and a kiss. “Hey, how are you doing?” she asked while her right hand poked and prodded at some shrimp that was boiling.
Stephen walked over to one of the counters and leaned against it before he shrugged, an impassive expression on his face. “Madeline is still mad at me, or us, if you want to put it that way,” he said.
Evelyn chuckled. “Well I would be pretty angry too if I got the newest iPhone and then immediately got it taken away,” she responded. “How was work? You know that I only married you for the extra details that come with your show.”
Now it was Stephen's turn to chuckle. “Well, I brought my lawyer back to the show in order to explain what to do with 1.4 million dollars,” he said. “As it turns out, I can do anything!”
Evelyn's eyes widened at the amount of money that Stephen was allowed to raise. “How the hell did you raise all of that money?”
Colbert sighed and shook his head. “Because politics is stupid. Let's not talk about it right now Honey, I just did for eight hours,” he responded. A smile moved back on his face and he walked over to give his wife a hug. The scroll was brought back to the front of his mind and he struggled to formulate a segue into the topic of a letter from another dimension.
Perhaps the difficulty was written on his face, since Evelyn looked up into his eyes and released the hug. “Something bothering you?” she asked.
Colbert moved back to the counter and took off his glasses to clean them with his suit while he tried to think of a way to word his troubles. “Ever have one of those days where the entire universe seems to be merely fictitious to you?”
Such a big question confused his wife. Evelyn raised an eyebrow. “Did you interview another theoretical physicist again?”
“No, that's the point. Something other than science questioned my opinion on the world, and it came from a letter of all places, a letter that looks like it dated back to the 1600s,” Stephen said. “Someone wants me to attend a lunch with them. I haven't been told where, but I'd imagine they would send me a letter back when I gave them the date.”
“Maybe you should go tomorrow?” Evelyn asked. “I mean, if you can. Snail mail usually gets delivered overnight in this state, since there are so many people. I would like to spend time with you as a family, but we do have three days. If one of the days need to be sacrificed just so that you could have peace of mind, I would prefer if you went on this lunch.”
Colbert let out a sigh of relief at the flexibility of his wife. “Thank you Evelyn,” he said as he moved in for another hug and kiss, which was gratefully accepted.
After Stephen left the room, Evelyn let out a sigh as she turned her attention to the food. “He never told me who the lunch was with. He usually does.”
~
The unraveled scroll once again met Stephen Colbert's eyes. He sat down in his office with the top and bottom of the scroll held open by a few pens. As he looked over the last paragraph once more, he remembered the stipulations that came with getting rid of this letter. Date and time. He grabbed another pen and signed his name on the provided line along with “tomorrow” as the date. The scroll immediately rolled back up and evaporated before his very eyes, as if it was slowly burning in a fire until it was nothing but ashes. Stephen took off his glasses, rubbed them once more, then put them back on. He then pinched himself. The scroll was still gone. Colbert let out a small laugh as he walked out of his office and towards his bedroom. “Great, now I know I won't sleep.”
~
The process was slow and arduous for the Princess as her horn glowed with a radiance that many had not seen for years. The Princess remained completely alone in her throne room as her eyes squinted shut from the exertion. Her forehooves pushed against the floor as she focused on the one being that she needed. The light slowly moved down from her horn to her head as the spell channel continued. Within minutes, her whole body was surrounded in the golden light. Her fur started to feel matted with sweat while her blocked vision was replaced with the vision of the human Stephen Colbert. He was inside of his bed, sleeping with his wife next to him. Despite Celestia's posture, magical abilities, and concentration, she felt that it wasn't enough. "Against the power of Discord... there can be no victory," Celestia told herself. As if those words were a pass code to her powers, the throne room was illuminated with magical power.
Stephen slowly disintegrated from his bed. The memory foam mattress slowly retracted back to its original shape as the weight was lifted from his pillow and continued downward. Hours passed until Luna's turn to patrol the night had come, but Celestia remained immobile in her room. As the fifth hour finally showed on the nearby Celestian clock, a gray stallion appeared in front of the Princess with a blinding flash. Celestia opened her eyes and massaged her temples with her hooves. A large migraine was attacking her, she had to retire soon.
Her eyes scanned the stallion. His black mane was short and simple, much like the human counterpart that was seen on her television. A pair of glasses rested on his muzzle while his eyelids kept the gray irises hidden. She looked to his tail, which probably remained to be one of the most ostentatious combination of colors that she had seen. Despite her own billowing mane, his red, white, and blue colors "popped out" more than hers. The large multicolored C on his flank completed the look of the pundit. With a sigh of relief, Celestia wobbled over to the stallion and balanced herself. With one more spell, Coltbert was teleported into one of the castle's guest bedrooms. She let out a sigh of relief as the deed of the day was finally done. She opened her mouth to speak, but the spell caught up to her. Celestia's vision was replaced with black as she collapsed on the throne room floor.
~
Equestrian chirping birds were the first thing to bring the pundit out of his slumber. Colbert's eyes slowly opened and he stretched for a moment. His eyes widened as he realized that the all too familiar feeling of fingers being wiggled was not applying to his senses. He raised one of his forelegs into his field of vision. “What the...” Colbert kicked off the blankets with his hind legs and was about ready to get off of the bed when he realized his nose was bigger than usual. His forelegs moved up to touch his nose where a dirty pair of glasses were aligned at the bridge of his muzzle. The sweat from his dream probably collected and solidified on his glasses. “You have got to be kidding me.”
The entire room was covered in bright colors of purple, gold, and white. While purple was not so much a color complement as the other two, the accentuation on each color would make any fashion designer from America green with envy, which according to a recent guest, was last year's color. His room held an elegant royal bed, a gold engraved dresser, a closet that held numerous tuxedos, a vanity, and an end table with a television hooked up to it. The television screen only matched the size of Colbert's computer screen at home, which was barely more than twenty-one inches. It was the perfect hotel room, by Equestrian standards.
Despite Colbert's current predicament, he was not freaking out as much as one would expect. Sure, his body was completely changed in this new world, but being the sci-fi fan that he was, it felt more like an extension of reality through the use of imagination. Colbert chuckled as he realized the opening quote in Celestia's letter was now perfectly applicable to this situation. His head turned to the door as the outsider knocked once more. He completely forgot about the outsider until now. He looked down his body and found that he was completely naked. He grabbed the blankets from the bed and tied them around himself before he answered the door. He was struck dumb with the sight.
Princess Celestia smiled as she saw the subject that she had been waiting for. She raised a hoof and extended it in the other stallion's direction. “It is very nice to meet you, Stephen Coltbert,” the Princess said.
Colbert blinked as the bigger hoof stopped a foot from his face. He extended his right foreleg and grasped Celestia's hoof. He stumbled slightly and Princess Celestia's sleight of hoof helped the stallion stay vertical. “The feeling is mutual. You weren't joking,” Colbert replied as he broke his gaze with the princess to stare outside. The morning sky was certainly more beautiful than the plethora of carbon emissions that came from the New Jersey population and their cars. His eyes turned back to the Princess as he mentally noted that the environment on this new dimension was way more beautiful than America. Perhaps it was because the citizens were morally different from Americans and held different standards for the environment. Or perhaps this world simply didn't have the tools to dirty the environment in catastrophic ways yet. Colbert hoped for the former. “My apologies for saying so, but the name is Colbert, not Coltbert,” he added.
“I know,” Celestia responded. Her eyes seemed to droop for a few moments before she turned her back to Colbert and stepped down one stair. “It is noon. Do I need to give you a few moments to get ready for lunch?”
Colbert had way more questions than his current status on the lunch. Was he plucked out of bed by Celestia herself? Was there some sort of Star Trek style teleportation that got him to this city? Perhaps it was impatience or ambivalence, either way, he didn't care about dressing up. “No, I'm fine Princess,” he responded as he stepped down one of the stairs. He stepped down another and avoided any sort of stumble. For suddenly being a quadruped, he was getting used to walking fairly quickly. His eyes met her horn as the Princess descended the stairs. He followed while he tried to word his question. “How did you get me here?” he asked.
“The intricacies of dimension teleportation would bore you, but let's just say that it took a lot of magic to get you here,” Celestia replied. “I am probably going to sleep early today, since I still have to teleport you back to Earth when this lunch is done.”
Stephen listened to the Princess, but his mind was very intrigued with the view provided to him by this city. The Canterlot castle was a brilliant complement of colors with a framework that reminded him of Minas Tirith. Was this a world shaped by Lord of the Rings or previous works of Earth? He could name a few things already that were fiction on Earth, but fact in Equestria. The numerous guards stationed near the entrances and exits of each room to the castle interested him. If this pony next to him was capable of dimensional teleportation, then what other creatures were dangerous enough to warrant guards? He was broken from his thoughts when he realized that he needed to ask another question. “If I knew that I was going to be teleported here while I slept, I would have at least put more clothes on,” Stephen said with a chuckle, “I feel like I’m kidnapped by a crazy fan.”
Princess Celestia smiled, “I plead the fifth, and if that doesn’t work, I can always plead insanity.”
Colbert smiled at Celestia’s response. One question was still bugging him. “Why didn't you just bring me here without transforming me? Surely seems like an inconvenience to the person that you want to be on your side.”
“Because a human in Equestria is a stupid idea,” Celestia replied with an airy chuckle that warmed Colbert's insides. It felt ethereal, like an angel was laughing. “And I do not want you to be on my side. I want you to be what you are good at: sincere.”
~
Colbert was off the radar for fifteen minutes. The two of them walked in silence towards the restaurant. He took this time to look over Princess Celestia and notice the differences between her and the brief glimpse at the mirror that Colbert gave himself. He was void of the horn and wings that Princess Celestia carried. Did Celestia intend this, or was he intended to be this way? As the two of them walked through a moderately crowded street of ponies, he noticed the path that was immediately made for the princess and him. Everypony moved onto the edges of the path and bowed as Celestia and Colbert continued to their destination. Colbert moved to Celestia's side, interest displayed in his voice as he asked, “Do the citizens always do this for you?”
Celestia smiled and nodded her head. “I usually fly when I need to be somewhere. Since I couldn't hold you on my back, and I couldn't teleport us both to the restaurant, I decided to walk with you. Bowing isn't new for them, but I don’t get angry if they don’t bow.”
Colbert nodded his head once more in agreement as he realized the scope of this leader's power. He thought about the various pundits throughout America that would compare this leader to other heinous monarchs of the past. He had no intention to do such a thing, but he remained skeptical. After all, that bowing could be done by fear, and the intentions behind this lunch could be different than what he thought they were.
Princess Celestia's horn glowed and the door to the restaurant opened. She moved to the side and motioned with her hoof for Colbert to enter. Colbert followed and looked left and right before he walked inside. He saw a flash through his peripheral vision and sighed. Just when he thought he could go out to dinner without the flash of cameras, he was proven wrong. Although he wasn't famous in this world, his first appearance in Equestria with the Princess surely had something to do with his image.
The restaurant was lavishly decorated with a mixture of lavender and green. Considering it was the winter time, Hearth's Warming Eve was right around the corner and the restaurant decided to revel in that holiday cheer. The restaurant seemed to become more quiet as Colbert and Celestia entered the establishment. Every inhabitant looked towards Colbert. While the pundit was capable of enduring long crowds staring at him, this different world made him wonder if staring gave off the same vibe as his country. The Princess walked over to a booth in the corner of the restaurant and pushed the table out a small amount since her bigger body was unable to endure the small space of a regular pony couple. Colbert followed and sat down in the booth with his forelegs on the table. His position left him staring at the princess across from him. He wanted to break the ice with a joke, but his mind was completely dry on pony humor. As if on cue, a waiter had appeared and gave the two of them a pitcher of water, two glasses, and filled up the glasses for his customers. “Can I get you anything else to drink?” the waiter asked.
Colbert shook his head while the Princess smiled and denied anything else. The waiter smiled and bowed slightly. “Go ahead and let me know when you are ready to order. I’ll be close by. Enjoy,” he said. The waiter walked away from the table and Colbert turned back to the Princess.
Princess Celestia levitated the drink to her lips and drained the entire glass. She then placed it on the table and spoke while the pitcher was put to work with a refill. “I must first thank you for agreeing to come to lunch despite the short notice.”
“It’s not every day that I get to feel inferior to others, Ms. Combination of Unicorn and Pegasus. I bet you are a good steed to ride into battle,” Colbert replied with a laugh as he tried to pick up his glass with both of his forehooves. He was having difficulty raising the glass and was too nervous on his grasping capabilities to bring it to his mouth. It merely remained there while his hooves tried numerous methods to grasp and hold.
Princess Celestia smiled at his response and continued. “A man has never rode me, and I guess that’s a good thing. Some say that I’m very... hard to tame. My apologies for my impatience, but I must get to the point. I brought you here because, as I said, I need your help.”
“Your letter certainly made that clear,” Colbert replied. He realized that he probably sounded a little annoyed and should tone down on it. His hooves continued to work.
Celestia continued as if she didn't notice it. “I can not tell you how I am capable of seeing Earth and you, my mother explicitly told me not to tell anyone. The point is that you are a talented individual. I have watched every episode of your show, from its debut to now. I have seen the other events that you have attended, both on and off camera. It took me years to get through all of the footage, but back then I was watching it for entertainment. Now, I watch it to judge not only your culture, but my own.”
“I am flattered. But this doesn’t help your ‘I’m not a stalker’ argument,” Stephen responded and he smiled as he finally managed to bring the glass to his lips. The glass was drained instantly. He needed to get to a gym.
Celestia refilled his glass before continuing with the same smile on her face. “Equestria has become more political than anything I expected under my rule. Technology has been improving to the point where we now have electricity, television, and even our own radio stations and television channels. As you can imagine... when television channels are hiring others to spout their political ideas, bad things tend to happen.”
Colbert raised an eyebrow for a moment before relaxing it and nodding his head. “Interesting choice of words. 'Bad things' indeed,” Colbert replied.
“I'm sorry for the bias. By bad things... I mean thought processes that are detrimental to my empire's ideology. If others are not focused on harmony and are instead focused on elitism and money making... I fear that Discord will rise again.” Celestia understood that Colbert probably didn't know who Discord was. With her phrasing, he would probably assume the noun instead of the villain that she feared.
Colbert indeed thought this, but his curiosity over Celestia's ideology was gaining most of his focus. “Tell me what you believe in, I'm curious,” he said, a smile on his face as he drank some of his water.
Princess Celestia sighed. “It's an ideology of tradition, but that does not mean that it is not prone to change. Friendship and harmony remain to be my core beliefs. When every member of society has the correct balance of Honesty, Laughter, Kindness, Loyalty, and Generosity, a magic surrounds each citizen. The society moves forward as a result. When the opposite is preferred to harmony, citizens become miserable. I've seen this happen in front of me, and my sister and I do not wish for history to repeat itself.”
Colbert placed one hoof underneath his chin. “Please... tell me what you wish for me to do. I am not putting any ideas on the table. I merely wish to know your plans.”
Celestia placed her glass on the table. “To be as general as possible, I want to have your show in Equestria.”
Stephen’s smile turned into more of a curious grin. He had a feeling that this is what she wanted. Considering the numerous stipulations that came with his show, he thought that a smart leader such as herself would be able to realize that this was way more of a loss for Colbert than it was for Celestia. “I'm sorry, but I cannot do that,” he responded with a tone that reflected his ability to immediately turn a conversation into business.
The princess sighed and nodded her head. “I completely understand. You have dozens of writers and another few dozen staff members that are all involved in the production of your show. I can not stress how desperate I am to have your show in Equestria. I can pay you as many bits as I can afford to fund your show. I can find the best writers in Equestria to work for you. I can-”
“That's not the point,” Colbert replied as he crossed his forelegs on the table. He was very uncomfortable with the direction that this conversation was leaning. “While I will not say that my show relies on me, the numerous writers and crew members that I pay will be out of a job if I move my show. Them being laid off will not allow me to sleep at night. Not to mention the fact that I am not so happy with being a pony, my family is back on Earth worrying about me, and I'm sure you would know by now that money is not something that can change my mind. I also can not have you turn any of my writers and crew into ponies. This would affect them, their families, and so on. Sure, I kept my head when I realized that I turned into a pony, but that’s because I’m a Tolkien nerd that has wet dreams about these kinds of places. I'm sure that others would not be so calm. I'm sorry Princess Celestia, but I just don't see how this could work.”
Celestia nodded her head and looked out the window, towards the numerous ponies that were going about their day or lining up near the restaurant to try and get a glimpse of her and Colbert's conversation. It was a good thing the window glass was tinted, or else ponies would be pressed up against the glass as they tried to read her lips. Her smile was now gone, replaced with a grim expression that could not be faked. While thousands of years of life were capable of teaching her to meld her emotions, thoughts of the future undid all of that training. “Again, I understand. I would offer to help write your shows, but I am no comedy writer, you would sound like a soap box is underneath you whenever you read off the teleprompter. I have one final offer that I can give you, and trust me when I say I am losing more than you think with this offer.”
“I have no reason to trust you, but I will,” Colbert responded as he cut back on the business tone. She looked to be grasping at straws, and the last thing that he wanted to do was deny her last straw with the same impassive voice as a boring politician. He was better than that, somehow.
“I will train myself more in the arts of dimensional teleportation. I didn’t study much of it, which is probably why you needed an extra 5 hours of sleep to rest through the changes that your body had to endure. With this, I will be using extra magic and will be more tired on the day that I teleport you, but if it is to save my empire, I couldn't care less about my body. With this extra training, you will be teleported within fifteen minutes both ways, which will give you a lot more time for your family. I will give you access to the Royal Canterlot Library, which has a copy of every single book, history or otherwise. I will talk to Princess Cadance about giving you access to the Crystal Empire's library. You will probably get it overnight. You can merely send me a letter and I will give you a list of books, descriptions of the books, and access to the Equestrian Internet for research. I will scout for the best writer talent that Equestria can give and make sure that they are unbiased in politics. After all, that was how you got into your show, wasn't it?”
Colbert smiled and took a drink while Celestia continued. “I will fund your show with bits out of my own pocket. I will make sure that it finds itself onto the most viewed time slot in Equestria. All that I ask is for one episode. If you want to continue after the first episode, I would love if you did. But I can't lead a pony to water and make them drink.”
Colbert was impressed with the sacrifices that Celestia was willing to give. Was it all worth it? After all, Colbert's humor could be lost to the Equestrian crowd. He knew nothing about this world, their pop culture, or their history. This kind of dedication once again made him worried, but still curious. “I have just one question, why me? Do you honestly believe that my humor is going to change the minds of hundreds, possibly thousands of political ponies? Why not just tell them what you think?”
“I don't trust my words. Despite the fact that I believe everything that I say, my empire's lack of trust for me is causing me to doubt myself. My mother told me something that I still hold true to my heart: a lesson told is a lesson forgotten. No one will want to hear words coming out of a ruler who is supposedly lying to her subjects. If the ponies who oppose harmony are capable of seeing their errors through the eyes of one of their own, then they can learn their lesson.”
Stephen took another drink of water. “I will create one episode and will write it myself on a few conditions.”
“Please name them. I doubt I will deny them.”
“Trust me with the hiring. Send me everything, whether it is resumes or books to my desk at my Earth home. You will not censor me and will trust my judgment when it comes to anything that should be censored. I also want a budget. I have a strict budget for my show, all of my employees, and myself back on Earth. I want one if I were to continue with the show after this first episode. Last, but not least, if I focus on you, I can not be silenced or interrupted in any way. If you mess up in your political duties, I will point it out.”
Princess Celestia paused as she went over the stipulations in her head. “That is a lot of conditions, but nothing I can object to,” she said and then smiled. “One condition, the show has to be named 'The Coltbert Report'.”
“Why does it need to have a horse name in it?”
“Copyright laws. I don't want to be sued by Earth,” Celestia replied with a smile.
Colbert chuckled and looked at the restaurant menu for the first time since they entered the booth. “So... when does the first episode air?”
“Whenever you want it to, Stephen Coltbert.”