//------------------------------// // Speed // Story: My Little Action Ponies // by Schrodinger's Pony //------------------------------// Ponyville had the habit of helping young foals nurture their talents. When a foal earned his or her special talent, they would often be able to apprenticeship themselves at any of the local shops. If their talent was something new and unique, then the Mayor would provide them with a small stall if they requested it to encourage their talents in an entrepreneurial setting. Twilight walked up to the newest stall in Ponyville, with a smile on her face and a baby dragon on her back. The stall was not an ordinary one; Rainbow Dash was hard at work adding clouds of all kinds to it, including stormclouds, and even a rainbow waterfall. The sign above the stall read ‘ACTION HERO PONY FORCE!’ The self-proclaimed ‘Chief Scootaloo’ could usually be found eagerly waiting underneath the sign, proudly displaying her new Heroic cutie mark, and offering to ‘fight the bad guys’. Most days, there were no bad guys. But Scootaloo was always ready and waiting; the stall right next to a telephone booth just in case somepony called for help. But this day was different. Instead of waiting under the sign, Scootaloo was in the could house attached to her stall, playing with her friends the Cutie Mark Crusaders. Twilight and Spike arrived just in time for the explosion, and she caught the three foals in her magic. “Aaaaw.” Sweetie Belle complained. “It looks like we ain’t getting’ our cutie marks in ‘walking calmly away from an explosion’.” “WHHHAAAATT!!?” Applebloom asked, still deafened by the kaboom. “That was almost the coolest thing I ever saw!” Spike cheered, as Twilight cast an ear-healing spell, and dusted the ash off their coats before setting them down. “You know… if I hadn’t seen Rainbow Dash knock the wind out of a dragon… or Twilight take care of an Ursa Minor… or Rarity taking over a pack of diamond dogs…” “We get it Spike.” Scootaloo grunted, rubbing the pain in the back of her neck. She looked on as Applebloom and Sweetie Belle morosely looked at their blank flanks. “Horsefeathers!” Applebloom kicked at the dust. “At this rate, we ain’t never getting’ action pony cutie marks! An’ then Scootaloo’ll be stuck here all on her lonesome!” “Don’t worry, we just gotta keep trying!” Sweetie Belle cheered. Twilight sighed. “Well, here, at least take this book on applied explosives.” Twilight floated the book to the fillies. “Twilight are you insane!?” Spike whispered into her ear. “If they’re going to be blowing each other up, it’s best they do it in a responsible manner, using the mild explosives demonstrated in this book.” Twilight whispered back. "It's not like I expect it to be one of their special talents." “’A beginner’s guide to blowing stuff up, and stopping stuff from being blown up’?” Sweetie Belle read. “This looks fun.” “Of course.” Twilight nodded. “Regardless of whether it earns you your cutie mark or not, the world will probably be a better place if you learned proper procedure towards applied explosives.” As if the universe was listening to what she said, the cart behind her exploded. The four of them stared at the explosion, horror clear on their faces. Twilight took a hesitant step forward, knowing there was no way to help the poor ponies caught in the blast, but she had to do something… Suddenly, the carriage puller ran out of the donut shop across the street. “Noooo!” He cried. “My carriage! I didn’t pay insurance!” A line of ponies who were waiting to board the now flaming carriage looked at their tickets with disappointment, and went on their way. Twilight sighed with relief, then turned back to the crusaders. “Girls! I know you want your Cutie Marks, but what if somepony had gotten hurt in that blast!” The three fillies exchanged looks and shook their heads. “It wasn’t us!” Applebloom protested. “Then who –!” Twilight was interrupted when her cell phone rang. All of her friends lived in Ponyville, and Celestia and her parents could talk to her through Spike’s dragonfire. The only pony she could think of who would call her was her brother. Spike took the phone out of her saddlebags and handed it to her. “Hello?” “Hello Twilight Sparkle! It is I, the Great and Powerful Trixie!!!” “What.” “Did you like my demonstration of greatness and power?” “What?” “That carriage load of innocent ponies is on your head Twilight Sparkle!” “What.” “When you humiliated me in front of your little hillbilly town, it was a stain on my honor that couldn’t be removed by any of the means recommended by stain removers! But we both know that I am the superior magician! You merely took me by surprise by planning ahead, having Celestia as a personal teacher and actually studying the Ursas both Major and Minor after I’d mentioned them a mere once! We both know how a true magician’s duel would end!!” Twilight face-hoofed. “Trixie, I don’t know what you’re thinking…” “Yes, Trixie’s mental abilities are far beyond yours! So Twilight, you like tests? Well pop quiz hotshot! There’s another bomb like the one that just exploded, on another tourist carriage! Once the carriage goes over 50 miles per hour, the bombs will be charged! If it drops below fifty, the bombs will detonate! What do you do? What do you do?” Twilight sighed, and looked over to Scootaloo. “Out of curiosity, what would you do?” Scootaloo thought for half a second. “I’d want to know where the carriage was. Then, I’d either keep it from going over fifty, or under fifty, while I had somepony else find out where Trixie is.” Twilight turned back to the phone. “Well Trixie, I’d want to know which carriage the bomb is on.” “Very good!” Trixie laughed. “But one more thing! The sensory crystals attached to the bomb are sensitive to magic! One spell out of you, and the passengers go bye-bye!” “You’re insane.” Twilight noted, half terrified and half impressed. “And one more caveat!” Trixie giggled. “Nopony gets off the carriage! If I see anypony get off the carriage, then I will trigger the bombs myself!” “Alright.” Twilight agreed, making a few mental notes. “Now, which carriage is it?” “Carriage Number 7! Mwahahahaha!!!” Twilight hung up and soothed her temples, before turning to the Crusaders. “Okay. Apperantly, Trixie’s turned into a mad bomber and thinks she killed somepony in that explosion just then. Scootaloo. I’m going to need a wagon full of Rarity’s mannequins ready in front of your stand in about five minutes.” Scootaloo saluted. “Right Away Twilight! What are you gonna do?” Twilight sighed. “I guess I’m going to save the day.” And with that she galloped off as fast as she could to the center of town, where the carriage stations were. o_O_o Caramel climbed onto the carriage. “Hey Lucky, how’s it going?” Lucky, the stallion tasked with pulling the carriage, nodded to his friend. “Doing all right. It feels like a good day today.” Caramel nodded and sat in the back of the carriage. The seat behind him was occupied by somepony who was obviously a tourist. A blue Pegasus in a polo shirt. Caramel figured he would be safe enough sitting there, as the guy would be too shy to talk. His mistake. “Hey!” The guy sitting behind him greeted jovially. “Hey.” Caramel awkwardly nodded back at him. “The name’s Neon Lights. I’m a tourist.” The Pegasus informed him. He chuckled as if he’d told the greatest joke in the world and held up his maps and camera. “I know, it’s obvious isn’t it? I probably look likethe worlds biggest yokel to you!” Caramel frantically spat out the gum he’d been chewing. “Oh! Would you look at that!” He waved the gum-filled hoof in front of the tourist’s face. “Gum! I found gum. On my seat.” Caramel moved as quickly as he could while being subtle and sat next to the more than welcoming Daisy. o_O_o Twilight teleported from one end of town to another looking for the number 5. Wracking her brains, she hit upon a solution. Teleporting to Sugarcube Corner, she asked Pinkie Pie where the number five carriage was. Exiting quickly, lest she become embroiled in the latest intrigue of baked goods, she soon teleported to the seen of the soon-to-be-crime. “Uh, Twi?” Spike asked, still on Twilight’s back. “Maybe it’s not going fifty yet?” “We can’t measure the carriage for speed, because magic will set of the bomb.” Twilight pondered, pulling some binoculars out of her saddlebags. “But we can use magic on the pony pulling the wagon.” Her horn glowed, and read Lucky’s speed. “Oh. Okay, he’s past fifty. That’s bad, but not unmanageable.” She teleported again, this time mere inches above the wagon so the bomb’s sensors wouldn’t be able to detect magic. She landed, and trotted quickly up to Lucky. “Hey Lucky!” She called to the driver. “You have to keep this wagon going over fifty!” Lucky looked over his shoulder. “Why’s that Twilight?” “Because some madmare rigged this bomb to blow!” Lucky’s eyes widened. “Oh, not again!” “Wait, again?” Spike asked. “Nevermind.” Lucky quickly averted his eyes. Twilight smiled, and quickly trotted up to the middle of the bus. “Attention everypony! I have a rather serious announcement to make, and I’d like everypony to stay calm, and absolutely nopony to use magic.” Suddenly, a blue unicorn jumped up. He had a safety pin for a cutie mark, and as he jammed his unusually long horn at one of the other passengers it was clear to see what his cutie mark was for. “No! I won’t go! You can’t make me!” Twilight froze. “Listen…” “Stop the wagon!” “He can’t!” Twilight pulled herself out of her shock. “Listen, Pokey, this isn’t about you. I’m sure whatever you did…” “Stop the wagon!” “I’m sure whatever you did you’re very sorry…” Twilight fought the urge to cry out in panic as a huge Pegasus slowly approached Pokey from behind. “Stop the carriage!” “NOOOOOO!!!” Bigs McLargehuge tackled Pokey from behind, pummeling him with his impossibly huge muscles. Pokey screamed and Twilight rushed forward, tapping Pokey on the horn to stop him from potentially using any magic. But this caused Spike to fall backwards and onto Caramel’s hoof. Caramel yelled as fifty pounds of stone-hard dragonscale-coated assistant landed on him, and Daisy shot up screaming as loud as she could; “The Horror! The horror!” Caramel kicked Spike off his foot, rebounding the baby dragon off of his seat like a hackysack, and landing him straight in Daisy’s wide open mouth. Daisy spat spike out, and Neon Lights was fortunate enough to get a picture of him hitting Lucky right in the back of his head. Twilight finished putting Pokey into a rare unicorn only submission hold that would negate magic. She looked over at the chaos that had ensued. “Oh… oh no.” She quickly ran over and pulled Spike off of Lucky. “He has a concussion!” Caramel said. His older brother happened to be Ponyville’s chief doctor. “Oh! Quickly, he has to stop running!” “No!” Twilight panicked. “He can’t stop running!” “Why not!?” Caramel yelled. “Because there is a bomb on the carriage!” Twilight yelled back. Suddenly, she froze. As did all the passengers. Only one pony didn’t freeze, and Pinkie Pie (who had somehow boarded the carriage) calmly stood up from her seat and said; “Okay everypony, follow my lead.” She threw her arms up in the air and screamed. All of the other ponies followed suit, Bigs letting loose a particularly loud “Yeaaah!” And Daisy bemoaned the horror of it all. “Everypony quiet!” Twilight yelled. “Just… just be quiet while I sort this out! And none of you unicorns use magic, or else the carriage will explode!” Naturally, this made all of the ponies scream louder, while Twilight focused on the task at hand. “Caramel, right!?” She was suddenly struck with an idea. “How fast can you run?” “Um… fifty five miles an hour on a good day.” The brown stallion replied. “Well let’s hope today is a good day!” Twilight said, shoving Caramel forward into the harness while Spike helpfully disengaged Lucky from it. Spike hooked Caramel onto the harness and yelled into his ear: “Don’t go under fifty!” “Why shouldn’t I go under fifty!?” Caramel asked. “BOOM!!!” Was Spike’s only reply. “Over fifty. Got it.” Caramel focused on his task. Twilight looked over the crowd of panicking ponies and sighed. “Spike, could you take crowd control please?” She asked. Spike nodded. With an air of authority, he hopped onto Twilight’s head, stuck two claws into his mouth, and blew a shrill whistle. One everypony was staring at him, he hopped off of Twilight’s head. “Now, listen up!” He yelled. “We are all in a very dangerous carriage. I get that. I’m scared too. But the thing is, I may be scared, but I’m still a nigh-indestructible monster with jaws that can crush gemstones. So listen to Twilight, and maybe we can all make it through this without getting blown up or eaten by a dragon, capice?” The passengers were all silent. “Um…” Twilight really didn’t know what to make of her assistant’s new attitude. “Spike, what…” “I took lessons from Rainbow Dash.” Spike confided with a smile. “Ah, okay.” Twilight nodded, relieved that her charge was not actually considering eating anypony. “Now, just so everypony knows. There is a madmare out there who has threatened to blow up this carriage. She has already blown up one carriage. Thankfully, the carriage was empty at the time, and nopony was hurt. What we can draw from this, is that she is incompetent and I am not.” “Uh… Twilight…” Caramel’s voice came from the front. “Not now Caramel.” Twilight shushed him. “Now, I have a plan to get us through this. An actual pre-teen came up with basically the same plan independently, so I feel even more assured that this madmare’s plans are will not come to fruition, and are in fact far too dim-witted to ever come to a positive outcome for her.” “Twilight I really need…” “Not now Caramel.” Twilight began to pace back and forth. “Ponyville’s resident Action Hero Pony Force is sending their top agents right now to help us out. As long as we all stay calm and none of us use even the slightest bit of magic, everything’s going to be okay.” “MS. SPARKLE!!” Twilight turned to see Caramel, and her eyes widened. It was Odessa Road. Odessa Road was well known as the steepest road in Ponyville and many of the surrounding regions. Many have lobbies to get the road removed. It was the number one cause of all tour carriage accidents, travel carriage accidents, baby carriage accidents, bicycle accidents, and cabbage accidents. The road seemed to serve no purpose except for making ponies loose control of their carriages. A particularly nasty pastime, due to the very sharp turn at the bottom that most ponies had to make to avoid falling off the cliff. And almost unavoidable too, as it was the only way to get to the city center on a road too narrow to make a U turn. Caramel let out some very panicky expletives as he tried not to instinctually slow down. “What do we do?” Twilight considered. “We can’t turn around on such a narrow road. We can’t go down without risking a crash. If we do crash I can just resort to my failsafe option, but then Trixie will try to bomb another carriage…” Twilight nodded. “Okay Caramel, we’re going down. I don’t think you’ll have to run any longer than five minutes, but still you’d better take this time to not run. Let gravity take care of this.” She turned her attention to the passengers. “Everypony go to the right side of the carriage! Now!” They all complied, Bigs dragging Pokey behind him. If Twilight calculated this right, the carriage would not, in fact, tip over and hurl them all into a screaming mass of pain. No. Pressure. At. All. The carriage seemed to hang, for one perilous instant, on the brink of the edge as Caramel took a leap. But of course, hanging on the brink of an edge didn’t last for very long when going fifty miles an hour. As it sped down the hill, Twilight counted down vectors in her head before letting out a shout; “Caramel! Turn it now!” They were only halfway down the road. Caramel hesitated, but he let his feet down and Dug into the ground. The carriage swung around to the side, almost tipping over. The ponies inside clung to the poles on the right side as it began to tip dangerously. “On my mark!” Twilight yelled. “Every Pegasus on this bus, flap as hard as you can!” There was only one Pegasus on the bus. “Now!” “YEEEAAAAHHHH!!!” Bigs McLargehuge flapped his wings as hard as he could. Like a bumblebee, he made up for his small wings by having the biggest possible muscles powering them. As the rear wheel of the carriage began to tip over the edge, Bigs flapped and Caramel dug his hooves in the ground, running as hard as he could. They took off from the edge of the cliff like a spell, racing down the road. The carriage straightened itself and all of the ponies on the bus cheered. It had stayed over fifty! “Alright Caramel, head towards the market place!” Caramel nodded, and kept running as fast as he could. Neon Lights was shaking in his seats. “This… is too much.” He murmered. “’Go to Ponyville’ they said. ‘You might meet the Elements’ they said. ‘Especially if one of Ponyville’s trademark disasters happen’ they said. This is too much.” Bigs leaned over his seat an looked him in the eye. “You’re a wimp. Please stop talking.” Her cell phone rang again, and Twilight rolled her eyes and picked it up. “Hello?” “Greetings Twilight Sparkle!” Twilight sighed. “Trixie, why are you doing this?” “Why?” Trixie yelled. “Why? Because you humiliated me Twilight Sparkle! After the incident with the Ursa Minor, I was humili –” “No, I mean why are you calling me on my cell phone?” Twilight asked. “They’re traceable. This can’t be a good strategy for your evil ‘blow things up’ scheme if you don’t want to get caught.” “What? But I do want to get caught! I want to get caught achieveing victory! This isn’t about you Twilight! This about me! This is about fame due me! The Great And Powerful –” “Alright, if that’s what you want, I’ll catch you in…” Spike held up a clock for Twilight to check. “eighty seconds.” “Wha –” Twilight hung up her phone. “How’re you doing Caramel?” The stallion was straining from the pressure. “F-f-fine.” A look of concern crossed Twilight’s face. “If you need to slow down, we can switch you with another stallion.” “N-no.” Caramel smiled. “See this cutie mark?” “Three horseshoes.” Twilight observed. “As long as I have one hoof left…” Caramel explained. “I won’t give up. It’s my special talent. And I have four hooves now!” “Great.” Twilight nodded. “Now we just need to… WATCH THE ROAD!!” Caramel looked ahead, and panicked. A pony was pushing her baby carriage off in the street, Caramel crashed into it. “Oh no! Oh no! Oh…” Caramel looked at the red splattered baby clothes that had stuck to the front of the carriage. Hooked into his harness was a bottle of 1942 cognac. “NOOOOOOOO!!!!” Berry Punch cried in the streets, cradling the remnants of her secret wine stash. “YEEEEAAAAHHH!!!” Bigs McLagehuge yelled, holding a triumphant bottle in the air. “It’s okay, there was no baby, you just hit Berry Punch’s collection!” Twilight called to Caramel. “Now, take us to the Action Pony Hero Force office.” She wiped some sweat off of her brow. “It’s a good thing there are no half-finished highways in Ponyville we’d have to ramp. With the way things are going, I’d say lady Luck is against us.” “And how...” Lucky moaned from the back seat. Scootaloo drove up beside the carriage, she and Rainbow Dash both on a scooter, pulling along a large red wagon at top speed, the wagon filled with Rarity’s mannequins. “Alright, everypony!” Twilight called. “Jump!” Everypony on the carriage, Twilight included, leaped over to the wagon. Twilight used her magic to send all the mannequins to the carriage. “Caramel!” She said. “I need you to run this past Sugarcube Corner, and then unhook yourself – let it slow down on its own, and explode at a safe distance!” Caramel nodded, and kept on running. “Wait, I thought Trixie said she was gonna blow the carriage if anypony got off.” Scootaloo said. “Well, yes, and there’s a simple answer to that.” Twilight said. She quickly teleported to the top of Ponyville City Hall, right behind where Trixie was watching with binoculars. “Mwahahaha.” Trixie chuckled softly, as she watched Caramel pull the carriage. “Get your way out of this one Twilight Sparkle. Get out of –” “Hey.” Trixie gasped, and spun around. “Twilight Sparkle!? How!?” “You never actually killed anypony when you set off your first bomb.” Twilight explained. “This led me to believe that you couldn’t see it, even though you claimed to be watching. So I simply figured out where you could see me from the second time you called, and where you couldn’t see me from the first time you called, and I deduced your location. I told you making a second phone call was a bad idea.” Trixie’s eye twitched dangerously. “Yes… well… you stink!” She pushed the button, and an explosion sounded in the distance. “Those pony’s deaths are on your head Sparkle!” “Actually, Rarity’s mannequins are on my head.” Twilight explained. “I’m sure I’ll get an earful, but hey, at least nopony got hurt.” “Mannequins…” Trixie’s eyes narrowed. “You’ll never take me alive!” She jumped out of the town hall window. Twilight gasped, and looked on the ground, but she wasn’t on the ground. She was in a hay cart, whipping Big Macintosh to get him to go faster. Twilight sighed, and teleported into the back of the cart. Trixie gasped. “Yeah.” Twilight nodded. “I know how to teleport.” Trixie reared up on her hind hooves. “You may think you’ve won Twilight Sparkle, but you’ve not –” A low hanging sign hit her in the back of the head, and sent her tumbling off the hay cart. “Thakns Big Mac!” twilight said cheerfully, hopping off the cart. “Eeyup.” Big Mac unharnessed himself, and rubbed his whip-sore back. The cutie mark crusaders came running up. Applebloom handcuffed Trixie. “You are under arrest!” Scootaloo declared. The Crusaders squee’d at their success and began to dance around in an adorable little circle. Caramel, huffing and puffing, walked up to Twilight. “Hey.” He said. “Hey Caramel.” She shook his hoof. “Good work with that carriage.” “Thanks.” He blushed. “So… you were really something back there. A lot of ponies owe you their lives.” “Oh, it was no problem.” Twilight blushed. “I… was wondering whether you’d like to go out for dinner later?” Twilight stopped blushing. “Oh… I read that relationships based off of intense experiences never work.” Caramel blushed. “Ok. Maybe we can base it off sex then?” “I’m asexual.” Twilight said, keeping her voice completely even despite inwardly screaming at him for the worst pick-up line ever. “Oh.” Caramel drooped, and walked away. “Wait a minute!” Applebloom stopped celebratin’. “This scene’s missin’ somethin’!” “Hold that thought!” Sweetie Belle rushed over to Twilight. She took off her saddlebags, and gave her a leather jacket and a big pair of sunglasses. She rushed over to Big Mac’s hay cart and tossed in a bomb she’d whipped up that morning. “Fire in the hole!” She cried, ducking for cover. The explosion rocked the streets. Twilight stood impassively, looking over her shoulder. “Woah.” She said simply. “Hey girls!” Sweetie Belle cheered. “Ya know how Rarity makes things look pretty? I just got my cutie mark in making things look awesome!” She showed off her flank which had a trio of diamond shaped explosions on it. "I have created a monster." Twilight whimpered. Spike handed Twilight the clock. “You’re half a minute early with that arrest.” He told her. “Woah.” Twilight shrugged. “I guess I just had too much speed."