I woke up. Now let me tell you, waking up in the middle of a forest in the dead of night with a banging headache is not fun at all. Especially when, if you think about it, there could be God knows what kind of wild and poisonous crap just waiting for you to make a misstep. But I'm powerful man of magic, right? I've been practicing for atleast a year. In secret. Alone. With no help. Ok, so I'm probably not powerful at all, but since I'm the only one with this ability I'm number one by default. So I call on my least powerful spell which I call 'torch', because: A. It uses fire to light the way and B. I'm unoriginal as all fuck. Raising my right hand slightly, cupping it to contain the spell and trigger the torch.
Have you ever heard of the Tunguska event? No? Well, there are alot of myths about what caused it, but the end result was a huge area of a forest got knocked down like a nuke went off in the middle. Guess why I'm mentioning that? Well, I looked around after the completely unsuccessful spell to a similar sight on a much smaller scale. 50 meters of forest, trees and various schrubs had been knocked down. A further 20 meters out, there were black marks on nearly everything as the surface was burned away. I looked at my right hand in horror, expecting it to be burned to nothingness, only to find it perfectly alright. I chalked that up to my amazin..ok, my semi-decent focus on self-preservation. Now I knew I was fine, but the question remained: The hell was that all about?
I shook my head to clear it as I walked away from the epicenter. I'd tried to cast while I was distracted with my headache, perhaps that explains why it went so very wrong, but then I've never been able to pull that much energy with so little focus before! I reached the edge of the desolation, found a burning stick to light my way and headed deeper into the forest. I should note that my modus operandi has always been to hide my skills, I don't want a government agency to abduct me! Or crazed Harry Potter fans! Or... You get my drift.
Walking for about 5 minutes, I decided to rest for a moment and really find out what happened. My headache had largely gone down and that rock looked mighty comfortable. Drawing my focus inward, I delicately started to check myself for any new magical injuries or alterations. Oddly, there was nothing different inside me, nothing to indicate any new massive increases in power or skill. That must mean something strange is in the forest, but what could that be? I reached outwardly with my magical sense to probe the energy field of this place.
Holy shit! No wonder the spell went off like a bomb! The energy field here was huge, its like pure power sings through the air! What do you mean, 'What's an energy field?' Oh yea, you're not a wizard. I'll explain. You know anything about space-time? No? Alright. Well, the easiest way to explain it is if you imagine that the world is covered in an uneven invisible blanket, in some places it's higher and in others its lower. My unique skills allow me to tap that field to perform my abilities, with the gradient deciding how much focus is required to cast. So in high energy fields, simple spells are easy as pie. In low EF, simple spells are harder. I'm sure you understand now.
Back where I live, the relative field wasn't huge but it was enough to perform and work on new spells easily enough. But this place made it look tiny by comparison. Through my magical sense, I could practically feel the strings of power around me. Then, slowly, I noticed the gradient started to rise even higher. Something else was manipulating the field, something utterly massive, something that was apparently moving towards me at high speed.
I stopped focusing, grabbed my firestick and ran. Self-preservation instinct screaming at me. I dared to look over my shoulder as I rounded a particularly large tree, only to see what appeared to be a large shadowy cloud gaining on me. I didn't even need to focus to see a huge amount of energy spilling off its magically cloaked form. In fact, simply thinking about my sense brought it back with barely any cost. I would have thought harder about the implications of that, except I was doing my best to stay ahead of a nightmare creature of unbelievable power.
"SURRENDER! WE COMMAND IT!" It screamed at me in English.
Yeah right. With another rush of adrealine I sped up. But by now it was mere tens of meters away, gaining all the while. I finally came to a decision, I was going to shield myself as hard and as powerfully as possible so I'd have a minute to think and maybe find a spell or six. Pulling out my magical focus ball, I threw myself to the hard ground and put all of my mental ability into creating the bubble. The field popped into existence with startling ease, a thick silvered barrier that obscured the outside world. I breathed a sigh of relief, shielding spells were really hard for me to do as they required significant focus to be maintained at all times. Yet here was this one, only requiring me to hold my ball to keep it up.
Why a ball? Well I'm sure you've read stuff about wizards before and their 'enchantments'. This ball isn't enchanted or any such rubbish, its just a way for my brain to remember that particular spell the right way and to maintain my concentration on it.
I pondered my predicament. The energy field outside the bubble was now truly gigantic, blocked only by the shield, moving around as if looking for a way in. I was pulling a blank card on how to escape, maintaining the spell wasn't difficult but I needed to sleep at some point, plus the thing outside sounded pissed.
The local field gradient dipped in power and magic slammed into the shield. It weakened it significantly. I concentrated harder, forcing more energy into it. Another dip, another blast of power and I upped the energy oncemore. Only two blasts, but I could feel the effects of channeling this much energy already. Another blast and my nose started to bleed. The forth knocked the wind out of me. The creature outside was just too powerful to resist and very obviously wanted me dead. The fifth blow utterly annilated my protection, but at this point I was having trouble remaining conscious, my mind utterly drained and my body magically burned out.
I tried to look at the shadow creature, but I couldn't really focus through its cloak so I just settled on looking at the black blob that spoke.
"ART THOU DEFEATED?"
"Just kill me and get it over with." I closed my eyes and felt the clawing darkness of unconsciousness start to take me.
"Thou art not a..." It said quietly as reality faded to black.
Ever had a titanic hangover from a drinking session? Times that by five. That's how I felt when I finally regained consciousness, barely able to even think for the first few moments. Then it ebbed slightly and awareness flooded painfully back to me. I was alive! Hah! Ow! Ok, no internal cheering for me. Apparently I was on something soft and warm. I gently stirred, it was a bed with the softest pillows I'd ever encountered and I was apparently naked. Maybe I'd gotten lucky? Did I get drunk last night? I could hear the sound of someone gently breathing nearby. Ahah! Ow!
I tried to crack my eyes open, but the room was absolutely pitch dark. Reaching out slowly, carefully, I felt the indentation of another body in the bed with me. I touched its shoulder gently, it felt off somehow, but through my hangover I couldn't tell how. I gently ran my hand along its strangely formed shoulderblade and it quietly moaned. Let me tell you, that soft of a moan to me is just fantastically arousing and it banished any doubts that this was a lady! Shuffling forwards, I nuzzled her neck eliciting another one of those moans. As I felt her turn, I moved my head away from her neck and gently ran my hand along it. Her warm breath hitched as I did so, she started to lean in dreamily and our lips met.
It was one of the softest kisses I've ever experienced, a gentle purring moan coming from her throat, that soft fur on my...
Soft. Fur.
My hangover evaporated. The two of us paused, lips still touching as we both must of come to what must have been to shockingly different realisations. I rolled out of bed as the sound of it scrabbling to do the same. The shocking pain of tired muscle instantly reminding me of the night before as my legs refused to move and I landed, hard, onto the solid floor. But that pain was quickly forgotten as I rose to my feet to confront whatever furry abomination was there, although honestly, I was kinda hoping for a girl in a fursuit. Don't know what that is? Then I envy your ignorance and DON'T LOOK IT UP.
Something long started to glow in the darkness, my magic sense felt the tiniest wobble in the local field and the lights came on brightly. My eyes adapted to the burning illumination and before me was a dark blue horse looking back at me from across the bed. I think my reaction was entirely justified, I mean what sort of rational man would I be if I didn't go wide-eyed and scream like a little girl when confronted with that alien strangeness.
The horse screamed a fraction of a second later. I'm guessing mutual surprise of something that shouldn't be screaming actually doing so is scary too, because the two of us both stopped at that point. The room returned to deathly silence as we shared a moment of terror. I tried to think of something to say, but only the most primal part of my brain could come up with something to say and, boy, it was stupid.
"You are not a hum-" I said, dumbfounded.
"You are not a pon-." It said at the same time, dumbfounded.
If you were to grade this moment level of fear with numbers, ten being highest and one being fearless. A strange talking horse who could do magic and speak English? That's a solid eight on the fearscale, just below pissing yourself level. While I was still mired with paralysing fear, it somehow broke of its own and started to speak.
"What thou art, creature?" I worked my jaw, trying to find my voice.
"Hu. Hu. Human." I spluttered.
"We have not heard of this race, 'Human', does thou kind give names?"
"Yes," I'd always hated my birthname and always used my nickname. "I am Shade."
Oh I know what you're thinking, its a dumb nickname ripped from some kids tv show or something. Well, its not, when I was alot younger I read the book Jurrasic park like it was a bible and I was practicing for finals. A character in the book, 'Chaos Theory' Ian Malcolm said all his clothes were either grey or black, so he could get dressed in the dark. I took it to heart, since to a 14 year old boy, he was cool. A year of grey and black later, an art teacher refered to my clothing as 'the definition of Shade' and the damn thing stuck. But in the grand scheme of things, it could have been alot worse. No really, we had a kid in our school called 'Milky Bar Kid' because he was fat, albino and from Texas. I got off lightly.
"Shade." The blue horse rolled that off her tongue. "We like it."
I'm honestly shocked at how quickly my fear of this strange thing went away, until I started to really think about it. I'd only recently just detonated a firebomb in a forest with a metaphorical snap of my fingers, was a talking horse really that much of a stretch? Apparently not.
"And what art thou?" I said, before kicking myself for copying its strange phrasing.
"We art a pony. Our name is Luna."
Ok then. Looks like I got a stupid nickname and it got a stupid name. Luna means moon, its dark blue, maybe its not stupid just unoriginal? Hell, I named a torch spell torch, who was I to judge its name.
"Luna. Why do you refer to yourself as 'We'?"
"It its appropriate to speak in the Royal 'We', for our subjects."
"...Royalty?"
"Yes, we art Princess Luna. You shall address us as such in future, it is only proper."
Oh bugger me and call me June. I just made out with a princess! I'll be honest here, I started fearing for my life again, I don't know what ponies do to humans who defile their princess' sacred lips, but I'm guessing it involves tying my limbs to four strong ones and tearing me asunder.
"We ask what thou did with our royal lips? Is this known as 'kissing'? We have yet to experience it."
I'm not a brave man, I'm a cunning man which is the English way of saying wizard, but I am not brave. I could hear my self-preservation instinct go into a frenzy at that knowledge and the fear factor hit a full ten. Kissing a princess was one thing, but being her first kiss probably meant the tractorpony-pull would be canceled in favor of just taking me apart piece by piece with magic and then parading my barely-alive body to a noose. Then they might set my hanging body on fire and probably throw acid on it too. I did the only logical thing left to a tiny monkey-evolved creature who was royally screwed could do.
I ran my buck naked ass out of there. I felt the local field in the room bow as telekinetic energies tried to wrap around my body, but with my level of fear-heightened concentration I diverted all of that power to the door and blew it off its hinges. I swung a left out of the wreckage as a hoarse cry of surprise echoed from behind me. The hallways were done up in a strangely familiar hospital style, even including a nurses station with occupied pony-thing sitting at the desk. I drummed up my best doctor voice.
"Nurse, where is the exit?!" I commanded. "STAT!"
"Two doors on the left, doctor." She didn't even look up from her paperwork.
"Thank you nurse!" But that made her look up at my naked form as I raced past her.
Two doors on the left, here! I was through them and out into the glorious predawn air! The scene was magnificent, or atleast it might have been if it wasn't a massive blur as I ran through the darkened cobble streets towards a park area to hide. I hit the edge of it, noticing a green pony tending to some fallen leaves with a rake in its jaw. It took one quick look at me and mumbled a quiet greeting before returning to its leaves. Slightly shocked by the complete lack of a fuck that pony had just given me, I slowed my pace through the park and eventually hit a small lake area within it. I had escaped probably torture and eventual death from that Moony princess and her subjects. Well no, I'd probably just put off my capture, but I'll take what I can get at this moment.
"Stop right there, hooman!" Oh bugger, "Princess Luna commands it!"
Eight midnight black ponies had appeared in a rough semi-circle from the treeline, each wielding a vicious looking spear and savagery on their faces. Well, I'm going to die anyway, might aswell give them abit of a battle first. I focused on them for a moment, that strange telekinetic energy fresh in my mind, pulling the energy from the ambient field I let loose on those unfortunates with a broad wave of force.
My intention had been for them to be bowled away, blown from my sight in a glorious display of telekinetic ability. Instead, all it accomplished was their spears flew backward in their jousting harnesses and rendered them useless. Still, I considered that a win. Ghandi would probably be happy with that, right before they beat him into tomato sauce. Yet, the guards strangely started to retreat back into the park, hiding behind the trees and shrubs before I heard them whispering.
"Get my spear back in position!"
"I'm trying for Luna's sake!"
"Why did nobody tell us he had a magic...thing?!"
"Why are there no unicorns in this squad? We're the Nightguard and we don't have a bucking unicorn!"
I took that as my cue to dive into the lake and make a swim for the other side. The water was exceptionally warm considering it was night, feeling refreshed I stood in the shallows of the other side and looked up right into the face of another squad of night guards and an annoyed Princess Luna.
"Thou art foolish, Shade, if thou thinks thou can escape us."
I felt the local field bow once more as the telekinetic field tried to envelop me, I shoved it down into the water trying to divert it into the wild liquid but only succeeding in accidentally spraying the royal pony and her guards.
"HOW DARE THOU SPRAYEST US WITH WATER! WE ART THE PRINCES..."
I stopped listening, something was happening with the local field gradient, something that made that shadowcreature look like a bug in comparison. It was as if the entire planetary energy field was being pulled to this point on the world, something vastly powerful was drawing it in. I shot a look over the still enraged princess to see a small dot of white rising into the sky, glowing with a golden aura. The energy was flowing towards that dot, through everything here, even through me. Spells that would require years of patient energy collecting became instantly possible! With this power I could probably burn this entire park to ashes with a simple sweep of my arm! I could probably even move a mount..
"Shade!" The pony princess broke my revelry with a slightly fearful voice. "Your arm!"
I looked down. My right hand down to my forearm was wreathed in orange magical flame, the beginnings of a terrible firestorm spell. I got drunk one night and designed it, a magical tactical nuke. I'd only ever dreamed of using it, but even the mere thought of burning this park down had somehow activated it. I threw my all into cancelling it, but I'd never bothered to work up a failsafe because it was so vastly out of reach of my energy to cast it. I took a different route, trying to modify it so instead of unleashing an omnidirectional pulse, it would fire through that burning limb of mine. But I wasn't about to burn a princess and her innocent guards for my magical hypotheticals, I'm no murderer.
"Get back. Can't stop. Will. Channel. Sorry."
I tried to look at them, but my magical sense was overriding my natural vision, just sending a constant sun-like brightness right into my brain's visual cortex. With my will buckling under the strain of trying to slow the casting, I threw myself backwards into the lake and kicked my legs. Hoping I'd give them atlittle space before the firestorm, I landed in a slightly deeper section which left only my shoulders above water while my feet rested on the bottom. I raised my infernal right arm, feeling the spell reaching its apex, gestured with a single burning index finger to the sky before the modifications to the spell were broken and spoke the word that would unleash hell.
"Burn."I did mention I was unoriginal, right?
Self-preservation would not serve here, this had to be the focusing effort of my entirely short career as newbie wizard! With my arm aflame, I spewed that pillar of hellfire into the heavens, feeling the energy course through my already burned out body. I could feel the spell wanting to rip free of my new instructions, to burn everything around as was intended on its creation, but my will was adamant. UP! I demanded of it, UP AND NOWHERE ELSE!
It resisted, but I was winning. Well, the incredible burning pain from my right arm indicated that this was likely to be pyrrhic victory. Atleast I was dying in the glorious flames of my own creation, right? The energy field had started to fade now as the sun rose in the sky, all that immense energy returning to cloak its world once more. Firestorm was also receeding, that huge flame losing its mighty size as it returned to my arm and was extinguished. I looked at my blackened, overdone meat-like limb with a detached sense of caring. Too tired to muster up a care. Muscle, sineous, bone were all visible in the bicep and forearm. The hand suffered better, retaining some of its skin along the fingers.
The lake itself had suffered, the water level had gone down atleast a foot and now stood around my midsection. Its temperature was more akin now to a hot-tub. I looked towards where the Princess Luna had previously been, only to see a blue shield bubble containing her and her night guards behind it. Her eyes were wide with horror and looked almost concerned for me. I would have liked to make some comment, but I was barely able to think let alone make any smartass remarks.
I could feel the approaching darkness coming as I collapsed down into the water, floating on that gloriously warm water and let the darkness take me for the second time that hour.
The darkness was pervasive. But I was there too. Took me a long time to realise that I couldn't sense any magic here, not a single crumb of glorious energy. Then I kicked myself, I was still alive! I'm...wait a second where the hell is this? Did they banish me to some wierd-ass cell in space or something? No, wait, here we go. Something is happening with my body! I kicked myself again, we're waking up! Sensations of...wait, I'm numb from the jaw upward, well that's not good. I tried to open my eyes and, thankfully, they responded.
Looking up, I can see a very medical looking light streaming light onto me. So this is a hospital, I thought to myself, good! The numbness must be from the analgesia! As my eyes adapted to the glaring light, I noticed the eight unicorns with glowing horns hovering over my bed, humming some tune and speaking quietly. So this was death by medical examination then, huh? Well atleast I couldn't feel shit.
I saw my right, hellfire burned arm raise into the air with a red glow around it that I thought was an oddly appropriate color. Slowly, the glow was suffused with a multitude of other colors and the flesh and sineous began to reach towards each other. The process was agonisingly slow, but as the nerve endings reconnected to their damaged brothers my internal scream would have broken windows and probably eardrums.
"Doctor, your patient is awake." A commanding voice echoed from somewhere close.
I looked past the doctors and saw what was presumably a viewing gallery. Within it was the recognisable form of Princess Luna, her sparkling dark hair moving even without any obvious wind. She was attended by another form, it was whiter than white with subdued rainbow coloured hair. I had expected a look of hatred or fear, but they looked at me with pity and concern. Didn't expect that. One of the chanting doctors leaned its head towards me and its horn glowed slightly brighter.
"Night night." It said as sleep was forced upon me.
The mindbrary was a quaint little thing, painted in a delightful light blue. The books that lined its walls looked mass produced, differing only in their coloration and titles. They represented memories, movies and sensations. The color represented the emotional content and the titles told of the experiences. One read 'Flying a plane solo', another 'Christmas dinner'.
I became aware of the library, this was my mind after all. I'd built it off the back of an idea from a movie called Dreamcatcher. It was a pants movie, but the idea of using a mental construct to remember stuff was brilliant. There was something new here now, something not of me. An aura that pervaded the place, warm and gooey like melted goats cheese. Moving through the racks of books, I followed it back to its source.
A white, fluffy cloud was hovering over some of the books. It levitated one from a shelf that read 'First date with happy ending'. Oh fuck no! Nobodies allowed to watch that but me! I reached out and my hand brushed its surface. Their was a snap and the library was gone.
The restaurant was called 'Ask!', no I don't know why. It was quite a stylish place, with lots of that strange modern art that to me just looks like colored squares. We were sitting by a window, with a view of the road just beyond it. Nothing like a main road to get a ladies' heart racing, right? Across from me was her. No I'm not telling you her name, its irrelevent.
She was shorter than me, around 5'5. Long dark hair framed her face, her beautiful face, very well. Her hazel eyes looking into my own, a spark in her eyes of real joy. Her full lips formed a small smile as we shared a moment in silence. I, on the other hand, was a nervous wreck. Heart pounding, blood pressure off the chart. This had to go absolutely right!
"So that is a female human."Oh fuck me, that cloud is sentient. "Lets skip forward to the ending." NO NO NO NO.
"GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HE..." I screamed at it before there was another jarring snap. The cloud hadn't obviously heard me.
My head swirled. Those lips are slowly approaching mine, her lips. She's coming in for the kiss. My blood ran hot, I was aroused as all fuck both in the dream and in the mindbrary as the emotion ran off the memory. The cloud gasped as our lips met. They were soft, so warm, so inviting. She tilted her head slightly, rubbing her nose with mine as she deepened the kiss. Our tongues met tentatively, then slowly we played the game of L'amour.
"Oh my." The cloud said, sounding patently aroused as the memory collapsed back to the mindbrary. "That WAS a happy ending."
"GET OUT!" I yelled at it as I pulled my hand back. The cloud didn't hear me. What the fuck was wrong with my voice? Was it deaf or something? A piece of rolled up parchment appeared on the shelf. The fuck? I don't use scrolls, I'm not some savage who distains technology. The cloud noticed, levitating it and started the memory. And me, being a fucking idiot, tried to stop it by grabbing it again. Then I was in the memory too.
The restaurant was called 'Ask!'. Wait, what?
"I've watched this already." Even the cloud sounded confused. "What is going on?"
"So that is a female human." The cloud stated.
"Oh fuck me, that cloud is sentient" My voice stated.
"Lets skip forward to the ending."
"NO NO NO NO. GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY HE..."
Oh great. My brain kicked in. I'm watching a memory of us watching a memory of my first date. Brilliant! As it snapped forward, the cloud must have had a similiar realisation.
"How is this possible? He's asleep!"
"NO I'M BLOODY NOT." Othercloud gasped in arousal as the kiss began.
"Hello? Can you hear me?"
"Yes! Now piss off!"
"If you can hear me, you need to speak up! Try saying something! Like...Apple!"
"FUCK YOUR APPLES." I was fucking pissed. It's mocking me!
"Just say apple! Simple word. Classic really. Apple!"
"I'M GOING TO BURN YOUR HOUSE DOWN." Assuming that princess didn't murder me first.
"He must be asleep. Maybe its an odd reaction to the spell, this scroll."
The memory snapped and we were back in the mindbrary. Well, I'd had enough. I am Shade! Starcunning man of magic! I have... well done bugger all really, but nevermind that now. This is my mind! With force of will, I summoned a great and mighty gauntlet of pure power! Ok, it was a driving glove I wear when I'm out cycling, but who needs mighty tools for tiny jobs anyway? So gloved, I grabbed that fucking cloud safely and turned it around. Then I shat myself. Metaphorically.
The cloud had two burning suns, hovering at eye level. My immediate guess would be that those were its eyes, but I'm not up on meteorlogical stuff. They spoke of immense power. There was little else except those oddly surprised fusion orbs. My first instinct was to run the fuck away, but when you're in your own head that's downright impossible. So plan B!
"GET." I said as I grabbed its form. "THE." I lifted it, fortunally it was about as heavy as a cloud too. "FUCK." I ran it over to the door, willing it open. "OUT!" And I threw that motherfucking cloud into the nether. Job done! Now, to find out what happened to my body. I'm obviously still alive. Perhaps I'm unconscious?
Blackness came suddenly and I thought no more.
"Oh my!" A voice, a fucking voice in my mindbrary! Another sneaky fucker deciding to check out my unmentionables! Standing, I took in its aura. It was different, not warm and gooey like before but cold, loud and dark. Walking forward, I found a black cloud looking over my internal spellbook.
"Doom Siren? Firestorm? Bladeburner? What art thou, Shade, if you have need for these spells? We cannot risk you using these, they must be removed from your mind." The cloud was monologing. Fantastic, that fucking thing was announcing its every... The floor shook and what felt like a dagger embedded itself into the mindbrary. The cloud had begun to channel hideous amounts of energy into my sanctum, tearing the very foundation of my mind! The spell book burst into magical flame as all of its knowledge was removed. I gripped my imaginary head, the process was agonising and apparently not very quick. Somehow, on some level I knew I was dying as that evil thing tore my mind from its mounting.
The blackness came again and then there was nothing.
If this was the afterlife, it was good! Warm bed, soft pillow and a blanket! To say I felt like a million dollars would be hyperinflating the value of that currency, because I felt like shit that had been hammered so hard it had broke down into its constituent elements, but the bed was nice! Something that wasn't me started making noise, pressing cold metal into my chest and tutting quietly. I stopped breathing, hearing a singular breath in the darkness. Embracing my nick-namesake, I decided to try and stealthly obtain some knowledge about this environm...
"I know you're awake." The feminine voice said. "Your nose flares when you are asleep."
"My nose doesn't flar.." I started to say, then cursed my idle tongue.
"I'm Doctor BoneMender," the voice continued, "By your...body I'm guessing you're male, but not ponykind. Are you feeling well?"
Well no shit, sherlock! Was it the fact I was a biped among quadrapeds? No, I don't feel well, I've just blasted hellfire into the sky. OF COURSE I DON'T FEEL WELL!
"I'm ok." Damning myself with as many internal kicks to my innate Britishness.
"Well that's good. The Princess wishes to speak with you."
I opened my eyes in horror. The voice turned out to be an effeminate looking unicorn. It's fur was pale yellow, its blue eyes staring at a levitating chart that hung just inches from its eyes. A quill, an honest to God quill, rose from its pocket and started writing on that chart. After a moment, it returned the chart to the end of the bed, turned and left the room.
Acouple of terrifying minutes passed. Time I spent trying to work out what sort of horrible torture they'd inflict on me, when the door reopened. OH GOOD GOD! Even disabled, I could feel the energy field gradient ramp up massively and scream in power! The white pony took a step into the room and I yelled at it.
"GET BACK! TOO MUCH! CAN'T CONTROL..."
"Calm yourself." The motherly voice commanded and I found myself immediately complying. Something around my neck was glowing. It was a necklace, a golden smegging necklace. The white pony entered the room fully, a concerned smile upon its lips.
"I am Princess Celestia." And I was naked, covered by only a blanket.
"If this is to be a public execution, can I atleast request my clothing?" Her smile became a smirk.
"I suppose so." My clothes levitated from some unseen table beyond my vision. "But that would depend on the severity your crimes. Tell me of them." The clothing stopped mid-air.
Well bugger it, I thought to myself, I'm dead anyway.
"Shooting a pillar of hellfire. Assaulting those, if I'm being honest rather pathetic, guards. Escaping. Exploding part of your royal forest. And, best of all, defiling a princess." Celestia's eyes widened slightly at the last part.
"My sister didn't mention any defiling." SISTER?! FUCK EVERYTHING!
"Oh."
"I have decided on your punishment, Shade. It will be..."
"Hold on, how do you know my name?" I said. Yeah, I know, interrupting royalty is a bad idea, but I was dead anyway so why not?
"You do not remember? That first kiss memory was very.." She paused, a very slight blush on her white cheeks. "Pleasant."
Bitch! Mindraping bitch! Fuck it! I'm a breathing corpse anyway, lets up this to homicide! I reached out with my focus and started to pull...nothing. The hells? Its not working! No magic at all? Not even a smidge? Damnit, its this fucking necklace isn't it. These ponies think of everything. Oh well, I'll rebuff her brainrobbing with some righteous fury!
"YOU! IT WAS YOU IN MY HEAD! YOU STOLE ALL OF MY OFFENSIVE SPELLS TOO!" I was spitting, but didn't care. "MINDRAPER!"
To her immense credit, she doesn't immediately incinerate me for my rage, but that could just be her not understanding what I was talking about in reference to my spells being gone.
"I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about." Oh fuck off!
"Black cloud. In my Mindbrary. Erased all of my offensive spells and very nearly killed me! AND THEN YOU SAID IT WAS YOU WHO WAS POKING AROUND IN THERE!" Huffing, I crossed my arms.
"That was Luna, my sister. She informed me you had stored several extremely offensive spells in your 'Mindbrary' and that she had erased them. I apologise for the distress she put you through, that action could have been accomplished in a much less risky manner, but she is still relatively young and inexperienced with memory spells."
I honestly tried to work up more of that righteous fury, but it just wasn't coming. Her reasoning was sound and I couldn't really be mad at someone for trying to do what it thought was the right thing. I gestured to the golden necklace lying on my chest.
"And this?"
"The Amulet of Radiant Sol. It generates a small magical shield, allowing inexperienced unicorn foals to test their powers without blowing anything up. Did not your tutor have a similar enchanted item?"
"Heh. I don't have a tutor, all I have is myself and my mindbrary. Nobody back home can even do magic, I'm just a special little snowflake who's about to meet his end in crazy-pony land. Even assuming I could get this necklace off, I'd still have to get past you and I can feel the field gradient screaming. I'd be lucky if I didn't burst into flames the moment I remove this."
"Ah yes, your...'crimes'." And here it comes... "In light of our little... trip down memory lane I've decided that as penance, you shall apologise to Luna's guard."
"And?"
"There is no 'And', that firestorm you summoned scared them quite badly, although they'd never admit it, so it is only right you apologise."
"No death sentence? No gallows?"
"My, Shade, what a world you must come from if that is the first thing you assume would happen to you. Even if you did defile my sister." She giggles. "I wouldn't dream of killing somepony for merely kissing her."
"Oh."
"She also expressed an interest in meeting with you again, when you were well enough."
"Oh."
"She's outside, shall I send her in?"
"I. Err." Stop stuttering you foolish mouth! "I guess? Provided she doesn't want to use the oppotunity to string me up by my nethers and beat the hell out of me."
"No, I think she has... other plans." Emergency alert! Obvious foreshadowing of a slowly declining fate! ABORT ABORT ABOR...
Celestia turns on her hoof and leaves the room before I could stop her. Silently, I wonder what this dark pony could possibly want from me. Perhaps she needs a jester to entertain her? A butler? Waiter? Sex-Slav...oh God, no, please not that. I'm not into Man-on-pony stuff.
While I'm busy freaking out, a dark horse strides into the room with an air of faked-confidence that fools nobody and speaks loudly.
"Hello again,Shade."
Oh fucknuggets.