//------------------------------// // SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON // Story: EXPLOSIONS??? // by Opticlaudimix //------------------------------// "Uhh, you sure you know where you're going? I'm pretty sure there isn't supposed be snow around a dragon's cave." Iron Will was walking up a path while hugging himself, desperately attempting to keep warm. The group had just passed Apple Loosa and were currently hiking over a snowy mountain in the midst of a harsh blizzard. "OF COURSE I DO. I MEMORIZED THE ENTIRE EQUESTRIAN MAP, WE PASS APPLE LOOSA, CLIMB THESE MOUNTAINS, AND WALLAH! BADLANDS! THE NAME REMINDS ME OF THE F*CKING BORDERLANDS!" Mr. Torgue punched a hole into the mountainside to grab onto and climbed up. "Come on Iron Will! don't make this whole trip for nothing! We're almost there! Besides, we'll be back before ya know it!" Pinkie Pie followed Mr. Torgue by simply walking up the mountain. Unfortunately, she slipped on some snow and face planted into the wall. "Well I would climb up if my hands weren't completely numb right now. In the name of Celestia, how the hay are you two not cold right now?" "Im pretty sure I'm made of dark matter." Pinkie was suddenly moontrotting up the mountain side with a goofy grin. "JUST KEEP F*CKING MOVING. IT KEEPS THE BLOOD FLOWING. DON'T MOVE TOO MUCH THOUGH, YOU MAY SET YOURSELF ON FIRE. I'M NOT SURE HOW THAT'S EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE, BUT IT HAPPENED TO ME ONCE. I HAVE NO IDEA HOW!" As he finished saying this his foot suddenly spontaneously combusted, igniting multiple bullets he had hidden in his boot and sending explosives off in all directions. "OH GOD F*CKING DAMNIT!" He wildly flailed his feet. "Ohmygosh! Don't worry, I keep a fire extinguisher with me at all times in case of spontaneous combustion emergencies!" She pulled a red canister out of the snow and aimed the nozzle at Mr. Torgue's foot before pulling the trigger. A hissing noise was made, but nothing seemed to happen. The nozzle suddenly spewed out a stream of fire and ignited the rest of Mr. Torgue's body. "F*************************************************CK!" Mr. Torgue let go of the mountain and fell bleeping in agony. Oddly enough the bleep was loud enough to reverberate throughout the mountain range. Without warning the snow at the tip of the mountain began to shake violently. A large chunk of snow began to shift and eventually fall, sending down an absurdly large avalanche towards the three. "Oh Celestia! I'm bailing!" Iron Will dolphin dived off the side. "AAAAAAAH! Get away you big mean avalanche!" Pinkie Pie pointed the nozzle at the incoming mass of snow and sprayed some normal white powdery fire retardant that fire extinguishers were supposed to shoot out. "Oh come on! What's wrong with this thing?!" Just as she finished her complaint she threw the contraption aside and dived off before a tidal wave of snow could engulf her. As the three were free falling through the air, the avalanche continued to gather more snow and increase in size. The large mass of snow was beginning to go even faster and was quickly catching up. "AAAAAAAAA! What the buck should we do???" "I have no idea!!!" "I AM IN SO MUCH GODDAMN F*CKING PAIN RIGHT NOW!" Mr. Torgue was still ablaze and wildly flailing in the air. "Iron Will knew he should have never come with you guys! Goodbye cruel world! Iron Will closed his eyes and assumed a diving position. As the avalanche fell over them, they never felt any snow or anything cold. All they felt was still the sensation of free fall and some water. The snow was going around them for some reason, making a strange hissing noise. Except it wasn't really snow, it looked more liquidly and clear... "HOLY SH*T I'M NOT ON FIRE ANYMORE. WHAT THE F*CK JUST HAPPENED?" "Ooooh! Lookie! The snow is melting on you!" Looking around, they mostly saw water with some chunks of ice still littered throughout. Seeing this, Mr. Torgue quickly rubbed his vambraces together, lighting a spark and setting them on fire. "I HAVE A CRAZY ASS IDEA. LET'S MELT AS MUCH SNOW AS WE F*CKING CAN, AND MAYBE WE'LL LIVE BY SOME RETARDED MIRACLE! COME HERE YOU PIECES OF SOLID WATER! IMMA BEAT THE SH*T OUTTA YOU!" He proceeded to start pummeling any remaining chunks of snow falling around them. "Hey no fair! I can't set my hooves on fire! Or can I?" Pinkie hastily rubbed her fore hooves together to no avail. "We're going to land soon! This better work!!!" "IF IT DOESN'T I'M GONNA BE REALLY F*CKING PISSED OFF. NO WAIT, I'M GONNA BE DEAD. HOW AM I GONNA BE PISSED OFF WHEN I'M F*CKING DEAD?!" Thankfully, the three of them landed in a fairly deep pool of water and cushiony slush with a massive splash. As they all slowly began to get up, the massive pool of water quickly flowed away from them and was soon absorbed into the dirt ground. "*Cough* *Cough* *Splutter* Ugh, that was close. You two alright?" "SWEET TITTY F*CKING CINNAMON BUN JESUS THAT IS THE SH*T I'M TALKING ABOUT! THAT WAS BADASS! HEY MOUNTAIN! F*CK YOU!" Mr. Torgue made an inappropriate gesture to the mountain with his hands. A rather large lump of snow fell on the group almost as soon as he raised his fingers. After spending the last hour digging out of snow, climbing, and ranting about bacon sandwiches, the group managed to climb their way to the summit of the mountain. As the three of them sat down and caught their breath, Mr. Torgue took a glance around, staring blankly ahead at the badlands. "HOLY F*CKING SH*T D*CKS! THAT VIEW LOOKS EXQUISITE! EXQUISITELY BADASS!" "Huh? What does?" Iron Will looked over to Mr. Torgue and gaped his mouth in awe. "Whoa, now that's something." The view over the badlands was indeed breathtaking, complete with volcanoes, lava, and jewels all glowing brightly under a majestic sunset. They all just stared at the amazing scenery from atop the summit, where it seemed that the volcanoes and lava were actually tranquil. "OH SH*T I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING! WE DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME LEFT IF THE SUN IS ALREADY GOING DOWN. F*CK THE VIEW FOR NOW, LET'S GET LOOTING ALREADY! GERONI-F*CKING-MO!" Mr. Torgue grabbed a random chunk of rock nearby and dived off the edge straight into a nearby lava stream, only to land safely atop the rock with a large splash. The rock slowly began to drift towards a cave entrance as he made a manly pose in triumph; multiple volcanos seemingly erupted out of nowhere in the distance, casting a badass glow upon him. "What the hay? Seriously? Did...did he really just do that?" "Eh, I don't see why not." Somehow Pinkie was attached to a gigantic slingshot completely decked out in skydiving gear. "Ugh, don't tell me we're going to dive off–" Iron Will turned around to face the massive contraption. "WhoaWhoaWhoa! Wait! I'm in your way!!!" "Too late. Angry pony away!!!" THWACK Pinkie launched straight into Iron Will's chest as the two went flying towards the cave's mouth. "AAAAAAAAAAAAA WHYYYYY???" Mr. Torgue got off his half melted slab of rock and faced the entrance of the cave as if he didn't have a care in the world, calmly brushing himself off and cracking his knuckles. As he started to walk towards the dark cave, Pinkie suddenly face planted the ground right in front of him without even leaving a mark in the ground. Following behind, Iron Will was still safely descending in a parachute. Pinkie pulled her face off the ground. "Hey! How did you get my parachute?" "HOLY SH*T YOU SCARED THE D*CKBALLS OUTTA ME! HOW DID YOU–" He looked behind him and noticed the slingshot. WHERE THE HELL DID THAT BIG ASS SLINGSHOT COME FROM?" "I honestly don't even care about logic anymore." As Iron Will slowly landed, he left a large crater in the ground and grabbed his hooves in pain. "AUUGH! What the hay??? That still felt like I landed after falling like a thousand feet! GAAAH!!!" "Placebo effect, the parachute was all in your imagination," Pinkie explained. "THAT MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE AT ALL. LEMME SEE THAT THING!" Almost as soon as he looked at the parachute while believing it was fake, it disappeared into thin air. "WHAT THE F*CK?! SO YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF YOU CONVINCED ME TO FLY, I COULD FLY, BUT THEN WHEN I LAND I WOULD STILL BE F*CKING HURT? HOW DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE AT ALL? THAT DEFIES SO MANY LAWS OF PHYSICS AND GRAVITY THAT BY THAT LOGIC I COULD SH*T OUT A F*CKING NUKE THAT EXPLODES INTO A BLACK HOLE THAT COULD CAUSE INTER-DIMENSIONAL TIME TRAVEL TO OCCUR WITHOUT ANY REPERCUSSIONS. THAT WOULD BE BADASS. HOLY SH*T I'M USING LOGIC ON SOMETHING COMPLETELY ILLOGICAL." "Something like that, I remember Twilight was saying something once about the power of imagination and unicorns but I wasn't really listening." She turned her head sideways and gave Mr. Torgue an odd squint. "You're actually a pretty smart cookie aren't ya?" "I GRADUATED FROM SEVEN DIFFERENT UNIVERSITIES AND CURRENTLY HOLD OVER THREE THOUSAND PATENTS. IF THAT DOESN'T MEAN INTELLIGENCE, THEN I HAVE NO F*CKING IDEA WHAT DOES. OH AND BY THE WAY, I'M NOT A F*CKING COOKIE. I SURE AS HELL COULD GO FOR ONE THOUGH. SH*T, NOW I WANT COOKIES!" "Could somepony PLEASE for the love of Celestia help me up???" Mr. Torgue took out a red vial with a needle at the end and examined it for a bit before throwing to Iron Will. "STAB YOURSELF WITH THIS." "Wait what?" He looked at the contraption in confusion. "IT'S A HEALTH VIAL THAT INSTANTLY CAUSES YOUR BODY TO REGENERATE ALL BODILY HARM BY WASTING AWAY YOUR NUTRIENTS. SO ESSENTIALLY, I CAN LIVE F*CKING FOREVER SO LONG AS I KEEP EATING BACON AND WORKING OUT. IT'S F*CKING FLAWLESS!" He took out another vial and stabbed himself in the chest. "WHY DID I JUST DO THAT? ALSO, WHY THE F*CK DID I NOT DESIGN THIS AS A SYRINGE? OH WAIT RIGHT, IT LOOKS COOLER AS A ROCKET." Iron Will sighed as he stabbed himself with the strange device, strangely feeling better immediately afterwards. "Whoa! Iron Will feels great! This is amazing!" "OH AND BY THE WAY, THEY EXPLODE WHEN YOU'RE DONE WITH THEM SO I SUGGEST THROWING THE THING AWAY!" Mr Torgue lightly tossed his vial up into the air and roundhouse kicked it into the pitch black cave. "Oh crud!" Iron Will threw his vial into the cave as well before he could get hurt another time that day. Two distant explosion sounds echoed from the cave. "Ugh, seriously, you should just go and marry explosions or something." "I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT TWICE ON THREE DIFFERENT PLANETS. DON'T ASK HOW." "Sooooo, are we going in or not?" Pinkie was leaning against the dark cave entrance reading a book that she obtained from who knows where. "WELL DUH, OF COURSE WE ARE! SO LET'S F*CKING GO!" Mr. Torgue ran into the cave with his trusty POCKET ROCKET drawn and started to fire at random. "HEY DRAGOOOON! GO F*CK YOURSELF! OTHERWISE, ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW-WHOA HOLY SH*T THAT'S A BIG ASS DRAGON!" The inside of the cave glowed bright as the sound of fire erupting emanated throughout. "AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!" Mr. Torgue ran back outside on fire a second time that day. "AAH! RUN FOR IT!" Iron Will ran for the nearest rock he could hide behind. "Quick! Stop drop and roll!" "GOOD F*CKING IDEA!" Mr. Torgue dropped himself and began to wildly roll on the ground. As he was doing this, a gigantic smoke cloud started to form in front of the cave. Within the darkness, a pair of thin yellow slits glowed, moving to face each individual of the group. The dragon made a loud, menacing growl before opening its mouth and roaring loudly. "FUS ROH DAH!" yelled Pinkie. Somehow, the dragon miraculously stopped and just stared at her. "Hi!" Pinked cheerfully grinned. "...What did you just say?" The dragon's eyes were now resembling a confused expression. "Hi?" "No, before that." "I have no idea, it just seemed like a good idea to shout." Pinkie shrugged. "HEY DOUCHE NOZZLE. APOLOGIZE FOR SETTING ME THE F*CK ON FIRE. THAT'S NOT REALLY NICE YOU KNOW. BY THE WAY, IT SMELLS LIKE SH*T RIGHT NOW." Mr. Torgue angrily shook his fist at the glowing eyes in the cave. "HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE???" "DRUGS!" Mr. Torgue was covered in soot and burn marks, but aside from that he appeared to be fine. "You know what? Just tell me why you are all here, and I won't devour all of you." The smoke cleared away, revealing an orange dragon with red spikes covering a majority of the hulking body. "Uhh...why were we here again Mr. Torgue?" asked Pinkie. "WE WERE WONDERING IF A DRAGON WOULD WANT TO ATTEND AN ASSERTIVENESS SHOW!" The dragon stared at the strange creature in disbelief. "Seriously? why would you even want a dragon to attend in the first place?" "BECAUSE DRAGONS ARE F*CKING BADASS, THAT'S WHY! WHEN THERE'S A DRAGON AROUND AN EVENT, IT INSTANTLY BECOMES TWENTY PERCENT MORE BADASS." Mr. Torgue flexed his muscles as more volcanoes erupted around the area. "You're not even afraid that I'm going to cause damage and steal everything that's shiny?" "NOPE! AND EVEN IF YOU DO, WHO GIVES A F*CK?" Again, the dragon just stared at Mr. Torgue in utter shock. "Ok, I'm pretty sure you and the pink one are either stupid or crazy. The minotaur hiding behind the rock over there has the right idea." Iron Will ducked behind the rock as the dragon looked at him. "Now get out of here before I decide to eat all of you." "SURE THING, BUT BEFORE WE GO, CAN I TAKE SOME METAL FROM INSIDE YOUR CAVE?" The dragon roared into Mr. Torgue's face, "NOOO! DON'T YOU EVEN DARE SUGGEST THAT! EVERYTHING IN MY CAVE AS ALL MINE!!!" Mr. Torgue managed to shout back just as loud somehow. "BUT WHAT THE F*CK IS THE POINT OF OWNING ALL THAT SH*T IF YOU DON'T F*CKING DO ANYTHING WITH IT ALL? WHY DO YOU EVEN WANT ALL THIS STUFF? YOUR CASH AIN'T WORTH A THING IF YOU DON'T F*CKING SPEND IT!" The dragon contemplated the thought for a minute. "Wait a minute, you're right....I have all these things, but they're just there because I wanted them and took them...but then what's the point of even having them? I only eat the gems anyway." The dragon sat back and thought a bit more. "Whoa, I never thought about all these things that way, heck I don't really think about anything at all." "THEN LEARN HOW TO THINK MORE AND BE ASSERTIVE! COME TO PONYVILLE TOMORROW AT TWO PM AND LOOK FOR THE BIGASS STAGE WITH ME AND IRON WILL!" While saying this, Mr. Torgue crept into the cave and started to look through the massive pile of gold and jewels. The dragon put a claw to his chin and continued to ponder. "You know what? I think I will, I love thinking! What's the point of having gold besides its sheen? Why do dragons love shiny things in the first place? If I love these things so much, why aren't I stealing more of it right now?" "SERIOUSLY? JUST LIKE THAT YOU'LL COME TO THE SHOW?" "Well, I don't see why not." Mr. Torgue came out of the cave with a massive sack slung across his back. "THEN KEEP ON THINKING DRAGON! BUT DON'T THINK TOO MUCH, OTHERWISE, YOU MAY FIND THAT YOU WASTED A BUNCH OF TIME! NO ONE REALLY DOES ANYTHING WHEN THEY THINK! THAT'S WHY I SOMETIMES JUST SAY F*CK IT! LET'S JUST ALL BE RETARDED AND NOT THINK AT ALL FOR A WHILE! AND THAT'S HOW I CAME UP WITH THE IDEA OF HAVING AN ILLEGAL OFFWORLD DEATHMATCH WHERE EVERYTHING EXPLODES FOR NO F*CKING REASON!" "Okay then...but one more thing. Won't I scare everypony away with my presence?" "DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT! IT'S ALREADY BEING ADVERTISED, SO IF YOU DIDN'T COME I'D BE SORT OF F*CKED IN THE ASS! NOT LITERALLY! ANYWAYS, PINKIE! PULL OUT THAT PARTY CANNON AND LET'S EXPLODE OURSELVES ALL THE WAY BACK TO PONYVILLE SOMEHOW!" "What about that jetpack that you used to get us to these mountains in the first place?" asked Pinkie. "OH SH*T I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THAT THING. I WAS WONDERING HOW WE TRAVELED HALFWAY ACROSS EQUESTRIA IN A FEW HOURS." He pulled out the jetpack's digistruct block from a pocket and punched a button on it. The block projected a blue 3D hologram onto his back and quickly spawned a massive TORGUE JETPACK that was strapped to himself. It read "BOMBS AWAY" in the side and was decorated with the usual TORGUE race car stripes. "HEY IRON WILL, STOP BEING SUCH A LITTLE BITCH AND GET THE F*CK OVER HERE ALREADY!" Mr. Torgue shouted while tying the massive sac to himself. "Okay! Okay! Sheesh man." Iron Will quickly ran over to Mr. Torgue and tied himself to the jetpack. "Ooh! Can I be on top again?" Pinkie jumped on top of Mr. Torgue. "SURE THING! I HAVE NO IDEA HOW YOU EVEN MANAGE TO STAY BALANCED THERE BUT I DON'T GIVE A SH*T! LET'S GO! BOMBS AWAYYYYYY!" The jetpack's wings unfolded and ignited two rockets that were at the end of each wing, launching the group into the evening sky and somehow keeping aerodynamic balance. The dragon just stared at them for a bit before going back to his cave while muttering, "What the heck just happened..." Up above, Mr. Torgue was already shouting about something incredibly irrelevant. "I SHOULD SERIOUSLY MAKE A JETPACK CALLED "THE SONIC TORGUEBOOM" SOMEDAY!" Iron Will had to shout because of the wind. "HOW DO YOU EVEN MAKE THESE THINGS?" "I HAVE NO IDEA!!! GET READY FOR SOME BARREL ROLLS!" "NO! NO! NO! NO!" "NYEEEOOOHHHHHMEEEEEEOOOWWWWWBREEEEEEE!!" Mr. Torgue once again tried to imitate an electric guitar with his voice as he spun around dipping and elevating multiple times. Then the sounds of an actual guitar solo played. "PINKIE, HOW THE F*CK ARE YOU STANDING ON YOUR HIND LEGS WHILE PLAYING A GUITAR WITH NO FINGERS! AND HOW ARE YOU NOT FALLING OFF RIGHT NOW???" Mr. Torgue was still barrel rolling. Somehow, Pinkie didn't even have to yell when she replied, "Because this is totally epic!" "I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!"