Around Equestria in 80 Days

by Kuroyami Fukaikuro

Chapter Two: Summer Sun Sex-abration (and some violence)

A/N: ... Why am I writing this? I've got nothing to say right now.

I woke up. It was early, around six A.M. I could tell because of the position of the sun.
So... Only six hours of sleep? That's good enough.
I turned around and saw that Alexandra was still asleep. I got up and wondered how I would wake her up. Then I got a rather devious idea.

"Glacies," I whispered to myself. Instantly my hands were covered in ice. I took my index finger and traced a line up her back. She reacted instantly, arching her back in response to the cold, and fell off her bed. Of course, by the time she got up, I was back in my bed. I heard her stand up.

"Very funny, Kuro, now get up so I can kill you."

I complied. I got up... And jumped out the window. As I ran down the street, I looked back. Alexandra had her head out the window, and she was yelling.

"Kuro, you asshole! Get back here so I can rip off your balls!"
I yelled back, "That sounds painful, no way!~" and continued down the street.

A while later, I arrived at the Appleloosa saloon. I walked up to the bar and ordered some hard cider, on the rocks. After downing two of them, I looked over to see Discord sipping some water.

"Hey Discord, what do you want?"
"Dude, it's like 6:30 in the morning. Why are you drinking?"
"If all goes as planned, I will drunkenly ruin the Celebration. Then I will blame my drunkeness on it."
"You, my friend, are a master troll."
"Hah! I'm nothing compared to my sister. By the way, is Alexandra still pissed?"
"She's calmed down a bit. But she's still fuming."
"Huh. That was faster than ususal. Normally I have to wait at least a day before she's down to just fuming."
"I'm guessing you speak from experience?"
"First time I ever pissed her off, she tied me up and kicked me in the balls 20 times, giving me time to recover so I'd feel the effects of each kick."
"Ouch."
"Yeah. When does the Summer Sun Celebration start?"
"Dude, it's like 7 now. Celestia raised the sun almost two hours ago."
"Fuck."
"The after-party's still going on, so you can ruin that."
"You don't mind that I'll ruin your girlfriend's party?"
He looked at me like I was stupid. "I am the Spirit of Chaos. Do you realize how much it sucks for me to be at an organized party?"
"Hm."
"Hm."
"All right then." I stood up. "I am an Agent of Chaos, and I'm gonna trash Celestia's party!"
"That's the spirit!"

I ran out. Upon reaching the party, I picked up the nearest frosted confection and slammed it into Celestia's face. She sputtered. Immediately I announced,

"FOOD FIGHT!"

And threw more stuff at more people/ponies. They all just stared at me like I was crazy.

Then Celestia had to go and make things worse.

"Shining Armor, get him out of here!"
"With pleasure, Princess!" he charged, in his pony form. He formed a lance and charged at me. I deflected the lance and shoved a cake in his face, followed by a chloroform napkin. Once he passed out, I ran to the nearest ledge, and threw him off the cliff.

Did I mention that the party was near a cliff? Well now you know.

Celestia walked up to me. Her face was now clean. Probably due to magic. Or maybe she just licked it off. Whatever.

"Why would you do this?" Celestia asked. "Everyone's filthy, and the party is ruined!"
"Who died and made you Princess of the Dictionary? They're hardly filthy, they just have food all over them."
"Uh... Ok, but why?"
"I am an Agent of Chaos! And drunk. But mostly the Chaos."
"Did Discord put you up to this?"
"He gave me the idea. I just put it into action."
She face-hoofed.

Twilight stared at me from her spot at the table.
"...What do you want Twilight."
"I just can't believe you would do something like that! Trashing a party."
Alexandra laughed. "If you call that trashing a party, then you don't know Kuro. What he did was pretty tame. I remember, one time he crashed a party and the army got involved."
"And I wasn't even drunk!" I announced proudly.
Everyone at the table laughed, except Twilight. And Celestia. And Shining Armor, who was being restrained by Cadence so he wouldn't flip the table to attack me.
"What vulgar comedy..." Cadence muttered.
"Cadence, you haven't even heard my vulgar comedy."
"Do I even want to?"
"No you don't." I turned to Twilight. "If I asked you to have sex with me, would the answer to that question be the same as the answer to this question?"
She didn't even have to think. "Absolutely."
"Too bad I'm not asking to have sex with you." I turned to Alexandra, but as I opened my mouth she threw her knife at me. I caught it, of course.
"Don't even say anything, Kuro." She turned to Discord. "So, where are you taking us first on our tour of Equestria?"
"The Crystal Kingdom."
Celestia looked at him. "Technically, the Crystal Kingdom is a sovereign nation, and has yet to officially be affliated with Equestria."
I smiled. "Good, because I need to check out their library."
"Why?" Twilight asked. "What book are you looking for?"
"A book on demon summoning."
Alexandra face-palmed. "Oh come on, Kuro. You've been obsessing with 'Demons' for months now. It's not like they'd have a book like that, in such a utopian-" she noticed a dark look on Celestia's face. "You... You have books like that?"
"They aren't necessarily on 'Demon Summoning', but, in the ancient past, when the three tribes of Pony warred against each other, the Earth ponies created a form of magic that used sacrifices. With this magic, they overpowered the other two tribes, but the cost was too great and the war reached a stalemate."
Twilight looked at me. "But why would you need more magic, Kuro? You already have magical abilites."
"For power-"
Alexandra interrupted me. "Wait, what? You have magic? And you didn't tell me?"
I sighed, pointed a finger at Shining Armor, and whispered, "Infernus." Since I was now sober, I had control over my powers, and only a part of him was set on fire.
He screamed in pain and threw his water on his head. The fire remained, however.
"Now now, Shining. Don't be stupid. That's not just fire, that's Hellfire. Need a lot more than water to put it out."
"Then put it out!" Twilight yelled.
"Only... if Shining Armor begs for my mercy."
"F-fine." He managed to compose himself, and he kneeled in front of me. "Please put out the fire."
I stomped on his head. "You call that begging? THAT WAS PATHETIC!" I continued to step on him. "Maybe you don't think I'm serious. I'll tell you what. Maybe I'll let Cadence die with you?"
He got even lower, and his voice sounded more desperate. "PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T KILL CADENCE! You can kill me, just LEAVE HER ALONE!"
I smiled and stepped off of him. "Still not really begging, but I guess it's close enough. Aquam Sanctam." A small amount of Holy Water appeared over Shining Armor's head and put out the fire.
Throughout all of this, everyone else just stared. Then Alexandra spoke. "Um... Kuro... I think Kamatayan got out again."
"Wait, who?" Twilight asked.
I sighed. "I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, more commonly known as Multiple Personality Disorder. 'Kamatayan' is my alternate persona. He is much more murderous and sadistic than I. You should consider yourselves lucky that I was in control the whole time. If he was in control, he would have let Shining Armor die regardless. And then he would have killed Cadence anyways. And Twilight. And Celestia. And you, Discord. Or at least he'd try. But he won't kill Alexandra, for whatever convoluted reason." I looked at her questioningly, but she suddenly found the dessert interesting. (She looked away, if you don't get it.)
"Anyways," Twilight said, "back to what started this. Why do you want more magic?"
"Power."
"...And?"
"That's all I'm gonna say at this time."
"Ooookay!" Discord interjected. "Well, since dinner is ruined, we should all just go and relax. Kuro and Alex, you should sleep early, since we've got a big day tommorrow!"

Alexandra and I lay in our seperate beds, waiting for sleep.
We never got any.
A couple of minutes later, some thumping sounds, along with some moaning, came from the other rooms down the hall.

"What are they doing?" she asked.
"What do you think?" I responded.
"That... That's just-"
From down the hall, a shout came. "OOOOOH, YEAH! DO ME HARDER SHINY!"
I shuddered. "I am so glad I always bring earplugs in my pockets."
"Can't you just magic this particular area into silence?"
"I only have two types of magic. The main one is Elemental magic, like you saw earlier. The other one is Enhancement magic, which is when I improve my senses, my strength, my speed, etcetera."
"Nothing to make it quieter?"
"No."
"Do you have an extra one?"
I tossed her one, and then we went to sleep.