PonyFall: Mile High Apple Pie
News & Brews
April 13th, 2012
I don’t like warm beer, it tastes like crap and feels kinda weird going down. It’s like a crime against nature when you leave to do something and come home to a warm brew. So, doing what any relatively sane hick would do, I exchanged warm for cold. I love it when those mountains turn blue.
Setting the bottle down on my desk, I opened up a couple of tabs in my Firefox browser. Namely sites like FunnyJunk, Facebook, DeviantArt and FimFiction, but today seemed special, so I opened up Google as well.
It wasn’t long before I grew bored of pilfering through the ‘funny’ content on FJ and got lost in all the crap going around on Facebook, things like ‘emotional statuses’, pictures of friends out having fun, religious propaganda and what have you. DeviantArt hadn’t supplied much creative prowess either, despite its name and Google... didn’t really help if I had nothing to search for. So, I went back to FimFic to observe the hooligans in their natural habitat.
I had decided that the IRC Chat would be my best bet for something interesting, I logged in. I wasn’t sure what to expect, so I just went with it.
[15:27] *** Cowboy_Appledeash has joined #irc-ponies
[15:28] <TheFlyingWelshman> yes, I'm certain... are you alright. You're not seeing like things flying around the room or anything... right
[15:28] <Silverness> I'm sure I'm alright.
[15:28] <Silverness> Which brings me to another question.
[15:28] <Cowboy_Appledash> Howdy howdy ladies.
[15:29] <Silverness> What would you do if you found a pony from Equestria?
[15:29] <TheFlyingWelshman> umm, I am a man... I think
[15:29] <Cowboy_Appledash> lolwut
[15:29] <Cowboy_Appledash> Are you on dope Silverness?
[15:29] <TheFlyingWelshman> umm... probably nothing. Don't really know
[15:29] <TheFlyingWelshman> this brings back the crazy subject.
[15:29] <Silverness> I'm quite sure I ain't.
From the look of things, either ‘Silverness’ was just being hypothetical, or there was something big about to go down.
[15:30] == Chase_Nimble [webchat@3f38bee0.24862c5a.res.rr.com] has quit [Ping timeout: 360 seconds]
[15:30] <Cowboy_Appledash> Crazy subject? Like batshit crazy wearing funny jackets?
[15:30] <Silverness> What about you mister um... Appledash, did you notice the pink skies today?
[15:31] <TheFlyingWelshman> sounds pretty accurate
[15:31] <Cowboy_Appledash> You sure 'bout that? Yeah, I seen pink. What of it?
[15:31] <Silverness> Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?
[15:31] <Cowboy_Appledash> Also smelled some kinda funky chocolatey shit. I figure it's some new weird fertilizer.
[15:31] <Silverness> Yeah, fudge or chocolate right?
[15:32] <Silverness> Not sure which, but probably fudge.
Pink skies and fudge... Nationwide experiment? I certainly hoped so.
[15:32] <Cowboy_Appledash> Pretty much yeah. Also found some weird broad in a cornfield. The best part, she was naked.
[15:32] <TheFlyingWelshman> chocolate fertilizer, both disgusting and delicious
[15:32] <TheFlyingWelshman> So what did you... do?
[15:32] <Silverness> Wait... you found a girl in a cornfield?
[15:33] <Cowboy_Appledash> Shoulda seen the rack on her man. Perfection. Also had a bunch of freckles everywhere.
[15:33] <Silverness> Freckles... Um, did she have a stetson cowboy hat?
[15:33] <TheFlyingWelshman> uh huh, well this is getting a bit more strange...
[15:33] <Cowboy_Appledash> Yeah, I think she was high or somethin'. She's here at my place passed out on the couch.
[15:33] <Cowboy_Appledash> I don't think so, didn't really stop to look for one.
[15:34] <Silverness> Really now? Um, does she have blonde hair?
[15:34] <Cowboy_Appledash> But if you think she needs a hat, I've got a George Strait Resistol she could probably wear.
[15:34] <Cowboy_Appledash> Blonde hair is an affirmative.
[15:34] <Cowboy_Appledash> Strong too, she damn near knocked me out.
[15:35] <Silverness> Wow, must've been a very strong girl.
Captain Obvious is at it again.
[15:35] <Cowboy_Appledash> I'm pretty sure she was on drugs or somethin' ‘cause she was claiming to be Applejack.
[15:36] <TheFlyingWelshman> well that's a load of bull.
[15:36] <Cowboy_Appledash> Gotta hand it to her, she's got the voice down pretty good.
[15:37] <Cowboy_Appledash> That's what I said. I called 'bullshit' at least twenty times.
[15:37] <Silverness> Oh really now? Well that sounds like she was drunk.
[15:37] <TheFlyingWelshman> I probably would have done the same
[15:37] <Cowboy_Appledash> Nah, she didn't reek of booze.
[15:37] <Silverness> Well, I thank you guys for answering my questions, but I need to get back to working at the grill
[15:38] <Cowboy_Appledash> Still smells like that fudgey shit.
[15:38] <TheFlyingWelshman> alright, make sure to see your psychologist
[15:38] <Silverness> Yup, thanks
[15:38] <Cowboy_Appledash> Later.
I got up to go back upstairs when I got pinged on the IRC. I looked back at my screen to find out who it was, turns out it had been Silverness again. I sat back down and opened up the query.
[15:39] <Silverness> Hey man
[15:39] <Silverness> are you there?
[15:40] <Cowboy_Appledash> Yeah...
[15:41] <Silverness> Sorry about querying you, but since you mentioned finding a girl naked in a cornfield claiming to be Applejack; I had to ask.
[15:41] <Silverness> Were you being serious there?
Many things could have been construed from his statements, so I decided to see where his head was at.
[15:41] <Cowboy_Appledash> You gotta fetish for that kinda stuff?
[15:41] <Cowboy_Appledash> Yep, serious as a heart attack. Why?
[15:41] <Silverness> NO
[15:42] <Silverness> I'm just curious
Good answer, Nancy.
[15:42] <Cowboy_Appledash> Uh huh... Pray tell, why are you curious?
[15:42] <Silverness> Well, I'm not sure I should trust you. But, you answered my questions...
[15:43] <Cowboy_Appledash> Shouldn't trust me? Dude, I resisted the urge to fondle a naked chick in a cornfield. I'm pretty sure that qualifies as trustworthy.
Honesty really is the best policy.
[15:44] <Silverness> If you’re telling the truth, you’ve won some points, but that doesn't mean much.
[15:45] <Cowboy_Appledash> Is there a specific reason for all of this?
[15:45] <Silverness> I was curious because today behind my house I found a girl in my backyard.
[15:46] <Cowboy_Appledash> Really now? Let me guess. She had purple hair or somethin' an was claiming to be a pony?
[15:46] <Silverness> not exactly
[15:46] <Cowboy_Appledash> I know April Fools day was a while ago but damn, I think these idiots are a little slow.
[15:46] <Silverness> More like rainbow hair claiming to be Rainbow Dash
[15:46] <Cowboy_Appledash> Bullshit... Did you bang her?
[15:46] <Silverness> WHAT? NO!
I had a feeling that he did, but was too scared to admit he got it on with a crazy chick.
[15:46] <Cowboy_Appledash> I would, she sounds hot.
[15:47] <Silverness> Wow, I think you're being serious.
[15:47] <Cowboy_Appledash> RD is pretty awesome after all.
[15:47] <Cowboy_Appledash> I'm always serious mate.
[15:47] <Silverness> Yeah, she is.
[15:48] <Cowboy_Appledash> So you ain't bullshitting me here. You found a crazy broad claiming to be the best pony?
[15:48] <Silverness> I brought her into my house like you did, but... I think that was the wrong idea in a way.
[15:48] <Cowboy_Appledash> Did she walk around on her hands and feet too?
[15:48] <Silverness> No, I'm not bullshitting you. I found a girl claiming to be the best pony as you say.
[15:49] <Silverness> Well, she did walk on her hands and feet, had a raspy voice, claimed to be Rainbow Dash
[15:49] <Cowboy_Appledash> I swear dude, if she decked you like this one did me, we might have a bit of an issue.
I will admit, this had me a bit concerned. After all, this could all have been just a nationwide scandal to Shanghai the sanity of bronies everywhere, but things seemed to mesh a little too well for that to be the case.
[15:49] <Silverness> Then proceeded to beat the hell out of me... sooo yeah.
[15:49] <Cowboy_Appledash> Jesus Christ. This ain't right.
[15:50] <Silverness> I know right, but she mentioned Discord as if I was with him.
[15:50] <Cowboy_Appledash> If this shit is real, ain't no telling what'll happen.
[15:50] <Cowboy_Appledash> Same here.
[15:50] <Silverness> I'm not sure what to make of it; I had to knock her out, but I think I really hurt my fist doing that.
[15:50] <Cowboy_Appledash> Thing is, I can catch a liar pretty damn quick, and she seemed to be telling the truth.
Call me short on the draw, but I was typing and didn’t see that last message until the last second. This boy is gonna get a few good licks from a switch when I see him.
[15:51] <Cowboy_Appledash> You punched the girl? You want me to whoop your ass now or later?
[15:52] <Silverness> What the hell was I supposed to do?! She was beating me up as if I was trying to kill her!
[15:52] <Cowboy_Appledash> Well, get around her. Don't punch her. Do like I did, and put her in a headlock of some sort.
Who punches a girl? Seriously.
[15:52] <Silverness> I didn't hurt her that bad, only a small cut, which I fixed myself with the first aid kit.
[15:52] <Cowboy_Appledash> Then you interrogate.
[15:52] <Silverness> Actually, I already did that
[15:53] <Cowboy_Appledash> Already did what? Interrogate?
[15:53] <Silverness> She pretty much claimed to be Rainbow Dash, talked about Discord, what happened before she woke up and a small little agreement we made.
[15:53] <Cowboy_Appledash> Which was?
A part of me hoped it involved illegal activity, just so I’d have an excuse to do something.
[15:54] <Silverness> I help her find her friends, she can stay at my house, unless you decides to trash it.
[15:54] <Silverness> She*
Nope... No breaking the law here as far as I could tell.
[15:54] <Cowboy_Appledash> I don't think I've gotten that far yet. So you actually think she's the real deal? If so, I may have to rethink my actions toward 'Applejack' here.
[15:55] <Silverness> I still didn't trust her, but this other girl gave me a huge lecture about why would she lie if she's on an unknown world?
[15:56] <Silverness> But yeah, I was pretty reluctant at first, thinking she was just a really good actress.
[15:57] <Cowboy_Appledash> Yep. It's pretty safe to say that we may be dealing with the real thing here. Tell ya what, I'll talk to this girl some more an try to dig up some more information. If too many things mesh together, then we gotta find the others.
Mr. She-Slapper here was pretty convincing, despite his methods.
[15:57] <Cowboy_Appledash> If that happens, we got a manhunt on our hands.
[15:57] <Cowboy_Appledash> Or would that be ponyhunt?
[15:57] <Silverness> Sounds fair and yeah, I think it would be a ponyhunt.
[15:57] <Cowboy_Appledash> Ok then, well, I assume neither you or I will be on here all that much. How do I get a hold of you?
[15:57] <Silverness> Um, I guess the chat would be fine, if not then email?
[15:58] <Cowboy_Appledash> That'll work, I could probably give you my cell number as well since I tend to not check my email all that much.
Texting and calling is way easier and quicker, I didn’t want to rely on my computer at all times to get these shenanigans sorted out.
[15:58] <Silverness> alright
[15:58] <Cowboy_Appledash> (555) 276-1565
[15:58] <Cowboy_Appledash> There ya go mate.
[15:59] <Silverness> thanks, here's mine
[15:59] <Silverness> (555) 452-7412
I quickly dialed his number in my phone and saved it as ‘Punkass’.
[15:59] <Cowboy_Appledash> I think I hear her making some noise upstairs, hit me up later. I gotta go find out what's going on.
[15:59] <Silverness> By the way, before we both leave, um... how exactly does one apologize to Rainbow Dash after kind of lying to her?
I sat stunned for a moment until an idea, albeit an odd one, came to mind.
[15:60] <Cowboy_Appledash> Make up sex? I dunno. Later.
[15:60] <Silverness> o.o okay then... later.
~
I shut my computer off and ran up the stairs, tripping on a couple on the way up.
“What the hell is going on up here?” I shouted.
I soon found the answer myself, as I saw Applejack and Dozer wrestling on the kitchen floor. However, I got severely pissed when I noticed half of the Coors I had left were now just a bunch of empty bottles on the floor. How she got them open, I have no clue, but she did and that was grounds for retribution.
“Nooooothin’,” she slurred.
“Bullshit ‘nothin’. You’re up here, half naked and drunk, wrestling with my dog!”
“Calm down, Ah just had a couple o’ them...” She paused briefly trying to think of the right word to use. “Uh... Whaddyacallims?”
“Beer, brewski, sauce. Stuff you shouldn’t be drinking!” I stomped over to her and yanked her up off the floor by her saliva caked arm.
“Ain’t never heard o’ that b’fore. Ah jus’ thought it was some kinda funny tastin’ cider.”
“Well it ain’t, how’d you even get the dang things open in the first place?” I asked, fuming.
“Ah jus’ figured it was kinda like them jars Granny uses when she makes that there Zap Apple Jam o’ hers...” she tipped back a bit, nearly to the point of falling over and then straightened back up. “So Ah jus’ used these here thingies,” she said, looking at her fingers and wiggling them “an popped one o’ them suckers right on open! Don’t taste like no jam though,” she stated in an attempted educated tone, thwarted by a hiccup.
“Well next time, ask me first. Now you’re gonna take a shower and get dressed, ya hear?”
“Heh, y’jus wanna see mah cutie mark huh?” She wavered a bit and nearly toppled over before I caught her again.
“Woman, you ain’t got no cutie mark,” I said while I dragged her over to the bathroom.
It seemed that was enough to bring her back to reality, at least a little as she suddenly went stiff. “What?”
“No cutie mark,” I stated matter-of-factly.
She looked down at her rear and her eyes widened in shock. I watched as her mouth moved soundlessly, unable to say anything about her ordeal. She kept looking at me and then back to her bottom as if I was playing some weird prank, yet every time she looked, nothing appeared.
“No, no, nonononono! Where’s mah cutie mark?!” ‘Applejack’ was now in a frightened, drunken panic with this new bit of crucial information. It took all the willpower I had not to grab her, shake her violently and yell ‘get a hold of yourself’ as she thrashed around violently. It was hard to grasp everything she had said with the way her speech seemed to blur together, but what I could make out mainly consisted of cutie marks, her family and her friends.
“It’s not there if that’s what you’re wondering! Now calm down! I’ll find a guy to tattoo three apples on your ass if it really means that much to you!” I shouted.
She stopped thrashing and gawked at me silently.
“What?” I asked dumbly.
Her mood had gone sour at this point. It seems most girls, or mares, whatever you want to call them, would’ve been brought to tears at this point, but not Applejack. Instead, she simply hung her head silently, contemplating the whole thing at this point. We sat for several minutes without saying anything.
I soon grew tired of sitting down and got up off the tile, offering my hand to help her up. Once she was standing on her own two feet, I set to preparing a bath for her. I noticed that she went straight to the mirror and studied her reflection, I figured she just wanted to know what she looked like.
“Believe it or not,” I said as I let my hand run through the water to gauge the temperature. “But you’re actually a pretty good lookin’ girl. At least, here on ‘Earth’ you are.” She said nothing, so I took that as my cue to hush up for the time being.
Once the tub was full I stood up to face her. In reality, I should have smacked myself for what I just saw, instead I mentally berated myself for being so blind. “Applejack, I think I got some good news.”
“What is it?”
“You know how I said your cutie mark was gone?”
“Oh please Celestia, don’t bring that up again!” She seemed pained by me bringing up the topic yet again.
“Turns out I’m just an idiot.” I said as I pointed toward her rump. “It’s still there, just on the other side.” I smiled on the inside as her eyes widened in disbelief. Sure enough, as she turned her head to check the other side, her trio of apples shone brightly, letting her know that all was not lost. With my good deed done for the day I turned to leave. “Well, your bath’s all ready to go. Holler if you need anything an’ let me know when you’re done.”
To this day, I still don’t know what possessed her to run up, hug me and whisper “Thank ya.”
~
As it turns out, bathing is a fairly universal thing, what with the methods and such. The only issue that came up was when she got out. Sure, she had the decency to dry herself off, but afterward she just waltzed right into the living room like she was at Sunday Church.
It took me a few seconds to gather my bearings as I caught sight of her walking into the main room. I’ll admit, she was like a goddess. Her body was tan and toned perfectly to the point that even supermodels would ask ‘how do you do it?’ Those freckles she had were also an amazing piece of eye candy for me. It took every inch of my being not to try and take advantage of the situation. Eventually, and reluctantly I looked away.
“Okay, we need to get some clothes on you ricky tick.” I got up from the recliner in which I had been sitting and grabbed her hand. Leading her back into the restroom, I made her stay put and walked back into the main room to grab the bag of clothes Samantha had lent her.
“Alright,” I said as I set the bag down on the counter. “First, we need to get some underbritches on ya.” I rummaged through the sack and found a mismatched pair of unmentionables.
“This right here is called a bra,” I explained to her while holding the article up. “It covers your... Tits?”
“Say what now?” She asked.
“Covers your... Uh... Mammories?”
“Oh! Ya’ll mean these things?” She asked as she looked down and motioned to her breasts.
“Y-yes those,” I stammered. It took me a couple seconds, but I soon built up the courage to just go up behind her and do my best to get it on her without doing any unnecessary fondling. “Feel free to adjust it till you’re comfortable,” I said as I turned to face the wall.
“Kay, now what?”
I grabbed the panties sitting on the counter and showed them to her. “These cover your downstairs mixup. Just put your legs through these two holes and make sure the larger side is on the back.” I tossed the pair of briefs to her and resumed my position facing the wall. “Let me know when you’re done.”
A minute or two passed by along with some audible groans and whispers of displeasure until she announced her task was complete.
“Okay, next! Pants.” I rifled quickly through the bag, grabbed a pair of jeans and handed them to her. “These go on just like them skivvies, they just cover your legs an’ keep you a tad warmer.”
She nodded and put them on and actually managed the feat rather quickly.
“Now what?” she asked.
“Button ‘er up Betty.”
Yet another confused glance was thrown right at me. I walked over, grabbed the zipper, yanked it up quickly and buttoned her fly before she could say anything. “Like that. Alright, shirt time next, this’ll be pretty easy. Just take it, put your arms through the sleeves and your head through the middle hole. Tag goes in the back,” I said and grabbed a t-shirt from the sack showing it to her.
It’s pretty safe to say that AJ had no trouble whatsoever with the shirt, she got it on quickly and effortlessly to which I was thankful. With bathing and getting clothed out of the way, I went back into the living room and sprawled out on the couch for a much needed nap.
~
Sleeping after a rather hectic day is a reward unlike any other. That is, unless certain events of the day made their way into your dreams and did nasty things. One second I’m dreaming of goin’ around killing zombies, the next I’m half naked in a cliche romantic setting with some freckled blonde chick. Needless to say, I woke up as to not feed my perverted side.
One thing surprised me, however, as I moved to get up. I found a blanket draped over me and a glass of water on the coffee table. I looked around the room for AJ, but she was nowhere to be seen. A surge of dread ran through my veins as I threw the blanket off and got up off the couch. I searched high and low in every nook and cranny in the house. Not a trace of her being there, I couldn’t even find Dozer.
So in short, I freaked out. There were one hundred thousand and three possibilities for what had happened, and death accounted for at least thirty of them. Had she gone outside and been hit by a car? Did she get into an argument with some Greeley Chiquita and gotten shot or stabbed? The scenarios certainly didn’t bode well regardless of what they were. So I did the only rational thing possible.
“Applejack?!” I shouted “Where the hell are you?”
I heard a muffled voice coming from the garage and went to investigate. Upon opening the door, I found AJ sitting down next to the Harley with Dozer asleep taking up her entire lap.
“What are you doing out here? You had me flipping out like a monk at a strip club!”
“Tryin’ to figure this here thingy out.” She motioned to the bike, a perplexed expression on her face. “Ah just don’t get it. It ain’t pony-drawn, an’ it ain’t got a train car with coal in it, so it ain’t steam powered. It’s so... fancy.”
It was then that I felt not only relieved, but confused as well. “Well, I know a few of the basic things about it. For example, see this here V-Shaped thing?”
She nodded affirmative.
“Well that’s the engine, the ‘work-horse’ that makes the whole thing move.”
“How in the hay does it do that?” she asked in awe.
“Internal combustion. Basically, you got your fuel fed into the engine and mixed with a bit of air and a spark ignites the mixture creating a tiny explosion. This tiny boom drives a piston upward that generates power to the drivetrain which in turn makes the rear tire move through a gear like mechanism. You follow me?”
The look on her face said it all.
“Well, I’m no expert, that’s what I know from my eighth grade shop class. I’m better versed with the actual physics of it. For example, the faster you go, the more stable you are, otherwise known as centrifugal inertia.”
“That’s a whole lot o’ fancy talk that Ah just don’t get,” she said as she looked back at the bike.
“You’re telling me, and that’s just the engine itself. That don’t include the brakes, transmission, suspension or anything else... anyway, I’m feeling kinda hungry, let’s go inside an’ try to find somethin’ to eat.”
With our tiny little discussion on auto mechanics complete, I led her still-wobbly self inside. I figured I could go for a good burger at this time. Thus began the terrible tirade of accusatory shouts and hateful slander....