This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc.
Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
Curly headed fucks tend to get along chaotically
“OWWWW” was all I heard in my head as we arrived back at Twilight’s wooden house. I was still on the ground, semi-writhing in pain from Luna’s parting present. Surprisingly, she was right. I didn’t feel like I needed to throw up, but that was because all my pain receptors in my body were still firing off in little tantrums that made me feel terrible.
“Oh come on.” Twilight said as she walked over to me. “It can’t hurt that bad.” I gave her the best glare I could from behind my tear-streaked eyes. I opened my mouth to say something to her, but all that came out was a terrible high-pitched moan as my balls started to hurt again. I hear Twilight start to laugh, but then Spike jumped off of her back and ran into the kitchen. He came back with a bag of ice and a grim frown on his face.
“Twilight, you don’t even know.” He said with the same male glare that I had given her. I almost cried when Spike gave me and small, cold burlap bag that I found to be filled with ice. Next, he helped me sit up. I scooted up against a barren wall and gently put the ice bag on my beat up family jewels and put out a fist to Spike. He nodded to me and returned the fist.
BROFIST!
After our moment of intense male bonding, I managed to get a good look at the inside of Twilight’s house. I was surprised to find that the rest of the house was circular, and even more surprised to see that there were shelves of books everywhere, like we were in some kind of giant library. Off to my right, another open door led into another room full of books and I saw another door to the left. It was closed, but since it was next to the bottom of a winding stairs that led upwards, I assumed it must have led downwards into Twilight’s basement. I sat there and let my weight sink against the cold wall, shivering a little at the ice and my lack of a shirt. I remembered to put that on my “list of important shit” if I was going to be here for a while.
“So Will, um, how did you like meeting the princesses?” Twilight asked, trying to make small-talk while my pain went away.
“Well, I didn’t really get to chill with sun-butt, but Luna was pretty bad-ass. She’s totally a Bro.” I replied, making Twilight’s eye twitch when I referred to her loved mentor as “sun-butt”.
“I…I’m sure you’ll be better acquainted with Princess Celestia soon, but what is a ‘Bro’?” she asked.
I quickly face palmed, forgetting that other than Luna, these ponies didn’t know the joys of bro-dom and sistah-swag. “When I call somebody…”
“You mean ‘somepony’.” Twilight quickly corrected me.
“What the hell does it matter? If I say ‘somebody’ it implies ‘somepony’. Jesus ya freakin’ grammar nazi.” I replied to her in annoyance.
She put up her hooves in a sign of peace. “Sorry, jeeze. So what were you saying about ‘Bros’?”
“A ‘Bro’ is a cool dude, or even a chick, that I would spend time with and hang out. They’re not only cool and fun, but I know that they have my back if I’m ever in trouble.” I explained, moving the ice bag slightly as I braced myself against the wall to stand. I stood slowly and gently, taking a few gingerly steps around. Luckily, I had always been a quick recoverer, so all that was left of the pain before hand was a small, occasional twinge of irritation.
“Are you alright now?” Twilight asked.
“As good as I’m gonna get.” I replied, walking a bit closer to her, realizing that for ponies, these were pretty big creatures. While she wasn’t horse-sized, she still came up to around my hips. However, Twilight was pretty slim, so as tall as she was on me, she didn’t take up as much space width-wise. Spike on the other hand was barely taller than my knee and reminded me of my six year old cousin from back home. Yet it obvious by the way that Spike acted and talked that he had a much higher intelligence than that of a six year old.
“So what now?” I asked Twilight.
“I think I should introduce you to the other Elements of Harmony.” She said with a hoof to her chin.
“So that means we’re leaving?” I asked.
“Yes.”
“Yo, look at this. I’m gonna pull a Michael Jordan.” I said as I turned around, took up my free-throw stance, and threw the bag of ice through the library, into the kitchen, and into the kitchen sink. As it landed in the sink, I smiled and started to hum “Fly like an Eagle”.
“Who’s Michael Jordan?” both Spike and Twilight asked, bewildered by what I had just done. I felt my eye twitch in agony, but then I remembered I was in “Equestria”, a place that probably didn’t even know what basketball was. I just let it go with a sigh.
“Come on.” I said with slumped shoulders as I walked towards the front door. “Let’s go.”
The door opened by itself, thanks to Twilight’s magic and I was immediately hit with a warm breeze and the smell of blooming flowers. I saw plush, green grass, beautiful blooming flowers, and butterflies floating on the wind.
“Where the fuck’s all the snow?” I asked bluntly.
“Snow? It’s the middle of the summer!” Spike said as he jumped outside from behind me.
“Not in Buffalo.” I said with a smirk.
“Buffalo? Like Little Strongheart?” Spike asked as I walked onto front walk and felt the beaten earth underneath my bare feet.
“No like one of the best cities in America. It’s home of Niagara Falls, one of the worst, yet most lovable football teams ever, cold-ass winters, the best wings ever, and way too many nice people.” I said with a grin, remembering my hometown and all my lovable friends and family. But for now, I couldn’t see them. But that would change in sometime and I’d be back home before I knew it.
“So you come from ‘Buffalo’ in ‘America’?” Twilight asked with a quill and parchment floating above her head. How the hell did she do that?
“Yeah.” I replied. “Why? Is it important to know?”
“Not necessarily, but it’s good to get this all down on paper. I don’t know when, or if, I’ll get another time to talk to a human.” She said as the quill wrote on the parchment quickly, directed by Twilight’s magic.
“So who am I meeting first?” I asked, curious as to which Element I’d get to meet in this strangely, over-colored world.
“RARITY!” Spike shouted suddenly, his eyes forming heart shapes. I had seen way to many cartoon, anime, and read way too much manga to not know what that meant.
“Fine by me.” I said with a shrug of my shoulders.
“Alright…” Twilight said with apprehension, leading us into town. Spike deftly sped up and jumped onto Twilight’s back and Twilight started pointing out the many sights of Ponyville. I walked behind her, only half listening with my hands in my pajama bottom’s pockets. I got more a kick winking at the semi-scared ponies who watched me pass than Twilight’s random tour guide spiel. I kept following her, until my stomach started to growl and I smelled something unmistakably familiar and delicious. I quickly followed my nose to the source of the delicious smell, accidentally ditching Twilight and Spike in the process. As I came to the source of the smell, a large store that looked like a huge gingerbread house on a corner of two large streets with a sign saying “Sugarcube Corner” on it, I put a hand up to the glass door and pushed it open. I entered the store, which from all the sights of sweets and smells of baking foods told me it was a bakery, and I heard the little ingle of bells from behind me.
“Be right there!” called another feminine, if not a little higher-pitched, voice from a room behind the counter of the store. I quickly scanned around the room looking for the source of the irresistible scent and found it to be a rack of cooling pies, again, behind the counter. I went up to the counter and pulled up a stool at the dining end of it and waited until somebody came out of the kitchen. I eased my elbows onto the counter and put my head in my hands, waiting.
Before I knew it, there was a pink pony mirroring my pose right across the table from me. Fighting the instinct to fall out of the stool backwards, I took a long look at her. Her coat was a bright bubblegum pink while her mane was a darker shade of pink. Her large eyes were bright blue and her wide, toothy grin reminded me of the Cheshire cat. But what struck me most about her was her mane of frizzy, curly hair.
“Are you part Italian?” I asked her, knowing that the frizzy hair was almost identical to mine.
“Neightalian actually.” She replied in a chipper voice. “What can I help you with? OOOH! But more importantly, YOU’RE NEW!” she shouted as she pulled a kazoo out of her mane, blew it in my face and threw confetti and glitter into the air. I let the glitter and confetti come to rest on the counter and I smiled.
“I see you are talented in the Fro-arts.” I said to her in a serious voice.
“You betchya!” she replied with a smile as she put the kazoo back into her mane. “Now what can I help you with?”
“How much is one of those pies over there?” I asked, nodding a head towards the cooling pies.
“To all us ponies, they cost four bits. But since you’re new here, I’ll give you one as a gift.” She said as she turned around and picked one by the tin. When she turned around, I caught a glimpse of her flank and noticed that her tattoo thing was three balloons. However, my caring for tattoos flew out the window as a warm pie came to rest in front of my face. My eyes grew wide at the sight and I wanted to physically dive straight into it. I grabbed a napkin and some utensils that were on the counter and I dug into the pie, devouring it with gusto.
“I’m Pinkie Pie! Welcome to Ponyville!” the pony said with an excited jump as I finished the pie and wiped my hands on the napkin. She extended a hoof over the counter and I wrapped a hand around it and shook.
“I’m Will. Nice to meet you Pinkie.”
“OOO! You called me by my nickname! Does this mean we’re best friends now?” she asked excitedly. I snorted as she repeated a line from one of my favorite movies and I shrugged my shoulders.
“Sure.”
“What do you want to do? We could have a tea time or play some checkers or go water skiing or watch a movie or or or…” she spouted out quickly and hyperactively, but with my intake of pure sugar, I was not to be out done.
“Or go to some clubs or go and prank some ponies or make a pillow fort or have a race or go play golfcart polo or go and play Skyrim in real life!” I said just as hyper. We both paused for a second, catching our breaths as we looked into each other’s eyes and came to an understanding.
“OR WE COULD THROW A PARTY!” we both shouted at the same time.
Across Ponyville, right outside the Carousel Boutique, Twilight felt a strange twinge in her horn. It made her turn around and look for Will. When neither she nor Spike could find him, a shiver ran down Twilight’s spine. She thought she had heard Pinkie’s laughter, so why did that scare her so much?