//------------------------------// // Ain't That a Kick In The Head // Story: Waking up as Rarity. // by TonydBrony //------------------------------// My eyes were glued to the wide screen in the lobby as it broadcasted the week's forecast, it was mostly going to be rainy, cold and flat out horrible. Although that’s never been a shock for me, considering I’ve had to live through the worst of it that West Virginia has to offer. So a stray snowstorm or thundershower doesn’t phase me. I peel my eyes from the screen and sigh. “That’s not a big surprise.” I say and hop off the lobby chair I had claimed as my own. For the most part, the lobby is void of any life, spare the desk clerk behind the counter who had a face of pure boredom. Something about her told she hated her job and just wanted her shift to come to a blissful end. “So... are you some kind of dog?” She asked, obviously not meaning to offend but simply being perplexed. Now that’s the second person to think I’m a dog. Lucky me. “I’m a pony.” I yelled across the lobby. “Oh, oh like in the news, yeah? So can you do like, magic and shit?” She asks, leaning over the counter. “Yes, I can.” I said coolly and sauntered over to her desk, shaking my hips a little more than needed. “Dude, I would totally be a pony thing for magic.” She says with a grin. “What can you do with your magic?” I put a hoof to my chin. “It’s really not that fascinating, but if you really must know.” I furrowed my brow for a moment and focused on an black balloon next to the clerk and tugged it downwards with a magical grip. “Just a little telekinesis and whatnot.” “That is so cool. I thought it would all be weird stuff like the calendar changing and shit.” This clerk swore a lot for working at a five star hotel. “What’s that now?” I asked, letting the balloon float back up. “The days, they changed to be all... Stupid, really.” She shrugs. My hooves hit the counter and I was leaning on it to meet her eyes. “How did they change? What are you talking about? Speak!” “No need to get all snippy. Didn’t you listen to the weather broadcast? It’s Marsday now, instead of... Whatever it was before.” She says, pausing as she fails to remember the actual day. “You’re kidding right?” The black balloon explodes behind her. “This is some sort of joke. Right?” Another balloon pops in my panic. “Hey, hey, I have to blow up those balloons, missy.” She growls. “I didn’t change the days, and a lot of people are blaming it on you ponies, so cool your jets.” “I- I- I, sorry.” I start stammering. “Just a lot of crazy things going on recently with me being a pony and all.” My head starts spinning. “Really am sorry about the balloons though.” “It’s alright, I’ll just get the new guy to do it, but really, it’s Marsday. Stupid, I know. But on the bright side there is no weekend, so now we just have a day off every 3rd day, much nicer in my opinion.” My head goes from spinning, to doing back flips and I takes my hooves off the countertop to balance myself. “I think I need some air.” I say, keeping calm. “Thank you for the wonderful stay, I’ll consider it again sometime.” My white hooves slide against the red rug as I make an exit, keeping my head down to avoid any unwanted attention, You do know you’re a unicorn right? You’ll be noticed whether you like it or not. “Hey, wait up.” The clerk shouts as I am almost out the door. I turn around and put on a fake smile. “Yes, dear?” I ask, trying to sound sweet. “Need something?” “Hey.” She caught up to me and held out a large envelope. “This was mailed to us for your room number, I forgot about it until just now.” “Really?” I say and wrap the parcel in a light blue glow. “Why, thank you darling.” She smiles and nods. “No problem. Have a nice day.” She says before making her way back to her desk. With the envelope in my hooves I unprofessionally bite down on the corner of it and rip it off. Inside are several sheaves of paper, stapled together down the sides like several small books. The first is titled “Subject PF-002 Rarity Belle” with a sub title of “Testing, observation, and assessment.” I eyed the document and carried the packet with me to a chair to look over them. “The hell is this...” As I flipped through the pages, the report told a dark story. “Sub-prime example of unicorn magic”, “Possible narcissistic personality traits”, “Incapable of leading any sort of group or rebellion”, “Unfit for recruitment”, “According to the show, likely a non entity in an endgame scenario.” I felt sick, and tossed the documents labeled “classified” in bright red onto a chair next to mine, staring at the floor in front of me. Tony... Rarity started. “Yes ma’am?” I replied glumly, feeling as though I were a child in trouble after reading the reports. You are... quite upset about all this. Why? She presses. I shrug and lean on the armrest. “I don’t know. Maybe because I feel like I’m not doing anything? I.. I feel like I’m doing a horrible job at being you.” Darling... As little experience as I have with such things, we are in the middle of a war. This reeks of deception and malice. I have to say, I don’t like the sound of what they have written either but for all my ego I think they were describing me, not you. she said, sadly but firmly. I sat on the chair for a moment in silence, processing what Rarity told me. Her words were kind and true, so I jumped off the chair and stuffed the reports into my purse. “Thank you Rarity.” Not a problem, not a problem at all. she said, though right then I could feel an overwhelming wave of sadness crash into me. Though it had been delayed, I could feel how much she had taken that report to heart. “Chin up, madam Rarity.” I say with a grin. “What’s a few words on a sheet of paper anyway? Why let them get to you, I’ve never let a few mean words tell me who I am and who I have to be.” Well thank you for the sentiment. Perhaps you should move along, the clerk is finding your conversation with yourself most intriguing. I lifted my head up a bit and in the corner of my eye was the desk clerk standing a good ten feet away from me. She was staring at me, perplexed and confused. “Do you... need help?” She asked with a smirk after a long silence. “Ah...” I looked around the lobby for a moment. “Nope, I’m fine! Just talking to my elephant!” My voice cracks and I seize Ellie from my bag in my mouth. “Juf fahne.” I mumble through a mouthful of stuffed animal. She nods quickly “oh yeah, I’m sure.” My cheeks feel hot and I quickly make a mad dash for the exit, pausing for a moment to let the automatic doors open before I gallop out under the red awning. It’s still early, but traffic is jammed and it’s frigid outside. A particular cold breeze brushes through my fur and sends me into a shiver. “B-bus station, now Tony.” I say quietly to myself and trot through the gusty winds. No more than ten minutes of walking down the sidewalk and I’ve become the beacon of everything that is important in this world. Not only are kids, apparent bronies, and friendly bystanders waving and greeting me, but even a homeless guy shouted “A unicorn! I knew they were real!” as I trotted past. I try desperately to not bring too much attention to myself, other than a wave or a “hello” back, and things are going better than I expected. This continues until I’m waiting for a red light to turn green on a cross section. While waiting a man wearing all black and a few too many piercings walks by and I wave to him politely. “Hello.” I smile sweetly at him. He stops next to me and looks down. “How are you today?” “Oh, I was fine, you know, pretty good day. But something terrible happened.” He said, frowning. “Oh? What happened, sir?” “Your disgusting face.” He snarled, brushing past so close that his leg clips me across the nose, leaving me stunning sitting in the snow with a sore nose. Okay, you guys know I don’t condone violence, right? Good. Because I could get in a lot of trouble if I didn't warn you guys about what I’m about to do. Seriously, last warning. Don’t do anything I’m about to do at home. “Hey! Watch where you are going, jackass!” I snapped. He turned around with a smirk. “Oh, I’m sorry. I better call the cops and report myself for animal abuse.” My temper flared and I took a step forward, smashing my hoof into the pavement. “Or I could make you regret ever meeting me.” I snarled, not realising I was still a pony... “Oh please, you know what they do to animals who hurt humans?” He laughed cruelly. “ They put them down.” He smirks, turning to walk away and running into what appeared to be a human sized brown candle. “Hey. You know what they do to humans who hurt humans who hurt animals? I don’t give a fuck.” And the giant candle brought his fist back and hit the guy in the face. I had never really seen someone drop before, and the first time was kind of comical. One second the jerk was standing with his hands in his pockets, looking as smug as can be, the next he was flopping to the ground like a rag doll. I drew my eyes from the flopping fish of a man and looked up to my savior. “Oh shit!” I yelled and put a white hoof up to my face to keep myself from laughing. “Dude! That was amazing!” The orange haired man was shaking his hand out after the punch and looking around at the stunned crowd. “Yeah... We should probably go before he wakes up or the cops get here. Where are you headed?” He asks calmly, dragging his victim to lean against a wall next to the “unicorns are real” homeless guy, who started digging through the guys pockets for change as soon as we left. “The big apple.” I say smoothly, letting my laughter die down and look up to the the guy. “Thanks again for the save back there. I woulda done it myself, but...” I trailed off and took a glance at my tail, which was still curly. “You are a pony, and the best pony I might add, but not one suited for hoof to face combat. Let’s head towards the mall, that’s where I left my truck.” He says coolly, leading me through the crowds and clearing a path for me. I felt a bit like royalty as he carved through the masses. “Wait, you’re just going to give me a ride to New York? Just like that?” “Well I was thinking the bus station, or train station, but I can give you my number if anything goes wrong. It wouldn’t be the worst thing to be stuck in a car with rarity for a few hours or days.” He says, slipping in a jab at my ego as he walks. “Ouch man, that hurts.” I say and put a hoof to my chest as I walk. “Really does. At anyrate, my name is Tony and thanks again for lending a hand back there.” “Wait, so the person in a pony thing is real? I thought that was just wishful thinking. Well crap, sorry about that Tony.” He says as we enter the parking structure of the mall. “Hey, don’t worry about it man.” I say and let loose a sneeze. “You okay?” He asked, concerned. “I’m fi- ah, achoo!” I sniffle and look up to him, rubbing my still sore nose. “Just a little sneezy.” “You haven’t bothered to get a jacket or anything. You’re probably getting sick.” He cautioned as he opened his truck door for me. I hop up onto the seat of his truck and smile. “I had a hat, but I lost it.” I say quietly and sniffle again. He closed the door and made his way around to the drivers side. “Well, we could always stop by someplace to get you some clothes since it’s almost twenty below.” “That’d be nice.” I say and sit sideways on the passenger seat as he puts the key in the ignition and the truck roars to life. “I never did your name by the way.” “You can call me Ryan.” His hands guide along the dashboard and he flips on the radio. Static shot through the speakers for a second or two until the local rock station announcers soothing voice came through. “That was World So Cold, by Three Days Grace on 103.5, the rock.” She says and taps her microphone. “How’s a little nostalgia for you long time listeners? We’ve got Hell Song, by Sum41 up next!” Her voice is like honey and I’m now nearly convinced today won’t be a total loss. My ears perk up and I look to Ryan, smiling. “You like this kinda music?” Ryan shifts into reverse and turns to look behind him. “I love Sum 41, Tony. I always have since I was a kid.” I let my classical smirk cut across my face and I sit up, singing along with the radio. “Everybody’s got their problems...” Ryan shifted into drive and smiled. “Everybody says the same thing to you....” v^v^v^v^v Okay, so Ryan and I were happily riding down the street to the bus station, while listening to some great music. Then... things took a turn for the silly. We were laughing our asses off one moment, the next we decided to stop by Hot Topic for a nice sweater or something that would keep me from being a Rarity popsicle... Yeah, that got out of hand when I found a Pinkie Pie Hoodie that fit me. “Ryan!” I squealed and came running out of the changing room with the pink hoodie over my head. “Don’t I just look adorable?” I said and began flaunting about with the hood flipped up. “Don’t say I don’t because you know I do.” “That sure is something, won’t lie.” He said and bent down to my level with a smile. “Is it warm?” He gave my head a pat and scratched behind my ear. I probably would have bit his hand off if it weren’t for the fact it felt soooo good! “Oh, don’t you know it!” I cried happily and hugged myself, giggling like a madman. (Mad mare?) I stopped my schadenfreude just long enough to glance to my right, where I saw a small backpack. Nothing special really, yet it called for me, as I yearned for it. Ryan looked down in puzzlement when I abruptly stopped laughing, as I slowly made my way to the pack. My hoof touched the bag and it slid over the smooth material. It was a simple pink backpack with the face of joy herself, the madam of mania and duchess of happiness imprinted on it. Pinkie Pie. I took the bag in hoof and looked up to Ryan expectantly with eyes that could make any heart break in d’aww. “Hey, don’t expect me to stop you.” He stuck his hands in his track jacket and was still smiling. v^v^v^v^v One last desperate search of the store later, I was at the cashier with a hoodie, backpack, a pink beanie, a brony bracelet and a stick of lip gloss. Rarity told me to get the gloss, I swear! The cashier, a teenaged boy who seemed a little too happy to see me looked up and smiled. “That’ll be $35.50.” He said, flipping his bangs out of his eyes. On instinct, I levitated the card I was given and swiped it across the machine he slid out for me. Transaction Approved. VIP Recognized, Rarity Belle. The boy took no notice to this and handed me my newly bought gear. “Have a lovely day, Rarity.” He said a little too dreamily. I decided to have a little fun and I blew him a kiss and wink before leaving. I swear he either fainted, or scrambled to grab the kiss out of the air as if it were a solid thing. It was the single most funniest thing I’ve seen in my life and apparently so did my tall companion; as he was keeling over in laughter. “Holy fuck, I can’t believe you just did that!” Ryan gasped, holding his stomach. “I’m dying! I’m dying’!” It took about five minutes before Ryan stopped laughing and we were walking back outside to his truck. As we went outside, it was still cold and blustery. We started walking across the parking lot then a little surprise happened by. Guess who I ran into. Mister fat lip jerk face who kicked me! As soon as he saw me, his face turned sour and started walking in my direction. The way he balled his fists told me wanted vengeance, but I don’t think he’s getting it anytime soon. Then he noticed my new friend and turned tail and started walking away like nothing happened. “Hey, just where the hell do you think you are going?” Ryan yelled at him, and he froze where he was. “I don’t think you ever sincerely apologized to Miss Rarity here.” I heard Ryan pop his knuckles and about just about everyone stopped to see what was happening. “Now get your worthless ass over here and say you’re sorry like a gentleman, before I come over there and make you get on your hands and knees and let my little friend beat the fuck out of you herself.” Mister big boots turned on his heels and was pale as his took step after shaky step in our direction. “I.. I...” He started stammering and Ryan grabbed him by the back of his neck; forcing him on his knees. His eyes were wild and filled with fear, and he had a large black bruise across his cheek. “I’m waiting, darling.” I hissed, feeling like Jigsaw with his horrible contraptions of death and murder. “I’m sorry!” He cried, putting his hands on his face to hide his humiliation from the onlooking crowd. Tears streamed down his face as he began to choke on his own breath. “P-please just don’t hurt me!” He was breaking down, snot was rolling down his chin and it was just pathetic. “This evens the playing field a good bit doesn’t it, darling?” I said, lifting his face with a hoof. “Let him go, Ryan. He’s had enough.” I said, letting his head drop back down. Ryan released the cuff of the jerks shirt and he started to scramble against the tile floor before getting up and running in the other way. In his haste, he was tripped by a bystander and fell face first into a trash can. The whole crowd started laughing as he fell. In the confusement, Ryan and I bolted for his truck and hopped in. The blue pick up roared to life once again as we pulled out of the parking lot, riding down the bumpy roads of West Virginia once again. Rock music was playing through his speakers once again, but Ryan turned it down to a reasonable level. “You okay, kid?” He said, making a turn down Lee street. “I didn’t scare you or anything, did I?” I started to chuckle. “I’m fine, but I’ll never forget what you’ve done for me, Ryan.” I whispered and looked up to him. “It really means alot to me.” I look around at the interior of the Ford. A lone Rarity sticker was stuck on the steering wheel and the leather seats seemed so worn from constant use. “Mind if I treat you to lunch?” Ryan rolled his eyes and smirked. “Ahh, don’t worry about it Tony.” He said, waving a hand. “But I do insist, please?” A soft burn lit on my eyes and I started to tear up. “It won’t feel right if I don’t do something nice for you.” Ryan rolled his eyes and he turned off to right, pulling into the parking lot of a Golden Corral. “Alright, Tony. Only if you’re paying.”