This story is a fan-fiction of MLP:FiM. I don't own any of it. It belongs to Hasbro, etc, etc.
Don't sue. Seriously. That would be so uncouth.
That god-damn pot of breakfast ramen
Afternoon sunlight drifted between my window shades and perched themselves upon my eyelids, making me wake from a heavy sleep. I groaned and rolled over to try to fall back asleep, but it was to no avail. I drearily rubbed the sleep from my eyes and sat up in my bed, throwing my bed sheets off of my body while dryly smacking my lips. My head still gently throbbed from the new year’s party last night, but I had some more important things to do, such as get the overly dry taste of straight dry-gin out of my mouth.
I stumbled out of bed and into my bathroom to wash my face and drink some deliciously contaminated Buffalonian water straight from the tap. Now as any Buffalonian knows, it’s really not that great of an idea to drink water straight from the tap, especially when it glows faintly (gotta love the all the shit in our waters). However, I didn’t give that much of a fuck as I drank to get the sleep and taste of gin out of my system. I quickly washed my face with the cold water and looked up into the mirror. My curly hair was a mess and my chocolate brown eyes were a little bloodshot, but I gave myself a quick smile. I walked back into my bed room and looked at the clock which told me it was 13:42 hours, or 1:42 in the afternoon. I scratched my back as I left the room to pursue the commodity every person in history has traveled continents and seas for: food.
The old wooden stairs of my shared apartment creaked as I walked down them in nothing but my pajama bottoms and I quickly checked around the corners of the stairwell. My roomie’s bedroom was on the bottom floor, and he hated it when I walked around half dressed. He said it was a sign of uncleanliness. I said he needed to get over it.
“Jake?” I called out to see if he was waiting in ambush. When no answer came, I knew he must be out doing some jogging or some other health-nut sort of activity. I eased myself into my kitchen and rummaged through the pantry for something to eat for breakfast. My pantry door swung open with the slightest of ease and I sighed to myself looking at the strange mix of food in there that only can be found in a home of poor college kids like us. Jake had organized the top of the pantry with his health-nut stuff like quick protein shakes, long-grain rice meals, various cliff bars, and a bunch of those energy gummies that long distance runners have. Jake was always like this and I used to be too, back when I had the time and had a girlfriend who ran marathons. When we broke up, I went back to being the semi-healthy nerd I had always been, which can explain the other half of our pantry and my breakfast choice.
My half of the pantry, the bottom half, was filled with semi-healthy junk. Much of it was breakfast cereals, canned corns and peas, but a full shelf was resigned to my cheap-grocery store ramens and pad thais. I pulled one of those ramen packages out of the pantry and swore as some of the other things like graham crackers and Oreos fell out of the jumbled mess. I picked them up with a sigh and shoved them back into the pantry while shutting its door and going over to my sink. I grabbed a small pot from above the sink and filled it with some more Buffalonian water and put it on my stove, turning on the burner to let the water boil. I let it warm up while I grabbed a pair of chopsticks from our utensil drawer, knowing the only way to eat ramen was with the sticks-it just felt right, as any other nerd like I can attest.
Our wall phone, an old timey yellow corded thing with one of those dial wheels that I managed to fix for my grandmother and got as a present, rung while I was fixing my breakfast at lunch time and I picked it up.
“Will speaking.” I said into the earpiece as I held it against my head with my shoulder. I opened the package of ramen and dumped the noodles into the boiling pot of water, catching the flavor packet fright before it fell into the water.
“’Sup Will. You wanna go play some football in the snow later today?” my friend Matt asked through the phone, making his normal deep voice sound tinny.
“I don’t know man, I’m still kinda tired from last night.”
“Don’t be such a bitch. Come on, we need another guy.”
I stirred the noodles with my chopsticks while I talked with my friend and turned off the stove burner. I opened the packet and poured the yellow-green contents, some sort of chicken flavoring, into the pot of hot noodles, stirring it even more to let the tasty ramen-y goodness seep into the noodles.
“Could I at least eat breakfast first?” I asked my friend.
“No.” he said with a stupid laugh that made me roll my eyes and grin.
“Ok, I’ll be at the…” I started, but was cut off by beeping in the phone’s receiver. “Matt let me call you back; I got somebody on the other line.”
“Derp!” he said making me laugh as he hung up. I pressed the other line button on the phone and grabbed my pot of ramen in one hand. “Hello, Will speaking.” I said into the phone.
That was when it happened. I didn’t hear anything, but I felt an odd compression around me, my world getting heavier and smaller, until I closed my eyes and almost fell over from the pressure. But then, It all disappeared. I felt myself stagger around and found my counter near an arm’s length away. I put my pot of hot ramen on the counter and held onto it with both hands, gritting my teeth from the pain splitting my skull.
“Fuck!” I shouted as my arms gave way and I fell to the hard linoleum floor. Only that the floor wasn’t linoleum. And it wasn’t cold or that hard. In fact, it felt warm and rough like wood.
Wood?
My eyes shot open and I clutched my head in pain as the light invaded my brain, sending every neuron in my skull into overdrive. “Ow, ow, ow, ow, fuck, ow.” I stammered as I rolled around on the wood floor, wondering what was going on. Eventually the pain subsided and I cracked an eye open. I was astounded by what I saw.
Instead of my kitchen, I found myself in the middle of a wooden, cozy kitchen where everything was much smaller and I was dreadfully confused. How the hell did I get here? And where the fuck was “here” anyway? I tenderly stood up and smacked the top of my head on the ceiling. “Shit!” I said as I rubbed my heavily throbbing skull. I knew my head didn’t need any more of this shit. Thus, I slowly looked around the room, seeing a small sink, stove, table with four small chairs, backdoor, and a tiny glass window in the strangely wooden and curved wall. I walked over to it gently and looked out of it, bracing myself on the sink beneath it. I was astounded yet again. Where there should have been a cold Buffalonian winter with a shit-ton of snow, there was a warm spring day. However the worst of it was that I didn’t recognize any of the landscape outside.
My mind raced as I went over this information. Not in home: check. Not even in Buffalo: check. However, I started to look at myself to make sure nothing was wrong, for this could all be a really vivid dream, or maybe one of my buddies would have thought it was funny to drop something in my drink last night; hell, it wouldn’t have been the first time.
“Ten toes, ten fingers, still no shirt.” I said to myself as I looked over my body. I ran my hands through my thick curly hair and sighed pleasantly, happy that was still there. I rubbed my face to make sure everything was good there and I looked over to my pot of still steaming ramen. Never in my nerdy little life have I been happier to see such a sight. Not only was I starving, but that pot of ramen was a friend in this strange world. I walked over to it and grabbed it while pulling out one of those small chairs at the table out. I walked over to the table, put the pot of ramen on it, sat down the small chair which gave an ominous creak, and stared into the steam coming off of the ramen.
I crossed my hands in front of me. I was in a strange place, hopefully all just a terrible dream/trip thanks to a friend’s prank. But whatever my wear mind thought next was torn asunder by the sound of something behind me. I quickly turned to look behind me towards a door I didn’t notice before. It was made out of wood too, but was on a different side of the kitchen wall and my suspicions told me it led into another room.
“Well that didn’t work.” Said a childish voice as the noise of what sounded like muffled knocking came closer to the door.
“These old spells don’t always work Spike. It’s just luck of the draw.” said a female voice.
“But I wanted to see one of those things that book talked about.” replied the same child’s voice.
“Maybe the next one will work Spike.”
“Oh well. Let’s get some breakfast!” the childish voice shouted with enthusiasm.
The female voice giggled. “Ok Spike.” The doorknob started to turn and the door swung open, tearing my mind asunder.
“Hey,” asked a small purple and green thing that was unmistakably a dragon as he turned to the purple unicorn behind himself, “do you smell something Twilight?” The purple unicorn behind him just returned my wide eyed look of surprise and terror as she saw me sitting at their kitchen table. At this point, I saw the dragon and unicorn react to my presences, but my sense of hearing left me in its entirety as my vision started to go fuzzy. I slowly turned in my seat, the air around me like jelly, and I looked down to my pot of ramen. I stared at it for a second, but then picked up my chopsticks and picked up a wad of noodles with it. I blew on them as to not burn myself and started to eat.
I knew that this was going to be one hell of a long day.