The Conversion Bureau: Threshold

by Guardian_Gryphon


Chapter 10

"--Sources from within the Council *have* confirmed that the event has rendered an area of the central Atlantic ocean inaccessible; destroying the entire Azores island chain. Thanks to well planned evacuation efforts, casualties have been incredibly sparse considering the mag--"

"--Here in Manhattan the scene is one of both nervous relief, and exhaustion as the city struggles to support a crushing mass of refugees. While some have NorthAm provincial citizenship, or were able to secure emergency entry papers, most are temporarily stranded in what is swiftly becoming the largest refugee camp in recent history--"

"--And we have some of that footage here for you this morning; again, this was acquired from an anonymous source within the Military, and was taken by a drone reconnaissance craft as it approached the 'Barrier.' Much speculation has ensued based on the images of a seemingly life-filled sea, and a starry clear sky. Astronomers at the Earthgov Planetary Science and Space Agency have confirmed that the constellations match no known stars in the universe as we understand it; however one EPSSA astronomer was quoted as saying that 'the universe is a great deal larger than our observations.' Unfortunately internal sources claim that the drone was destroyed before it penetrated the Barrier, raising questions as to the fundamental nature of the phenomenon."

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
07:15 GMT
ACV-10 UES Yorktown
5 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

The first sound was a consistent, annoying, atonal beep. Thornton hated it. It reminded him of the alarm clock he had owned while in University. Most of his Physics classes had started before dawn, so the small insistent device had become a fixed antagonist of his early mornings.

Thornton had come to hate the clock, to the point that on graduation day he threw it from the fifth floor dormitory balcony during a goodbye party.

"MMMMMPH! Stoppit!" The words came out more as a groan than articulated phonetic sounds. Thornton shifted uncomfortably, but despite his insistence the maddening tone continued to work its way into his ears and pound on his brain, like a small but sharp chiseling hammer.

Lawrence finally resigned himself to the coming pain, and forced an eye open. Mercifully someone had configured the lighting in the room to its dimmest possible setting, and with some effort the beleaguered scientist was able to pry both his eyes open and force them to focus on the ceiling above.

The moment the steel plates, rivets, and fluorescent illumi-bars resolved into a coherent image, Thornton realized he was not in his dormitory at all. Nor his apartment. This realization opened the floodgates, and his memory swiftly caught up to the present, culminating in the shocking realization that his last cogent thought had been in the middle of a sizeable explosion.

He stiffened, and tried to sit up. While the beeping of what must have been a heart rate monitor faded to a more manageable level, the chisel hammer swiftly morphed into a giant sledgehammer. Thornton was instantly forced to lie back and slam his eyes shut.

"Easy. You're not exactly seaworthy on your best day, and your head has a lump the size of my fist sticking out of it. Actually it's an improvement. Marginally."

Thornton tried, and failed, to roll his closed eyes, "Nice to see you too Agent Calton." The words sounded slightly more cogent than his first attempt at waking speech, and they elicited a snicker from somewhere to his left.

Thornton rolled over slowly, and opened his eyes enough to see Colonel Puller resting on the medical bio-bed next to his. The devices were part chair, part bed, and the upper surface was entirely made of a re-shapeable form-fitting biophobic gel. The internals were crammed full of medical sensors, including a complete sonar-based imaging system.

Puller was halfway to vertical, and busy tapping out something onto a thick militarized DATab; the standard design used in the Navy. He glanced at Thornton briefly with a grin, "She is not only the reason we're still alive, but she insisted on keeping twenty-four-seven watch on you until you woke up."

Her voice came from the foot of the bed, and the scientist twisted again to see Cal reclining in a small steel chair. "Don't let it go to your head. You're my responsibility. And if you ever pull a stunt like that again *I* will kill you, and save nature the trouble."

The Agent stood, and stretched. Behind her several med-techs moved to and fro tending to other patients. Thornton realized that the medical bay, one of several aboard, was full nearly to capacity. Most of the other patients looked to be victims of severe radiation burns; they were totally encased in cellular regeneration nano-chambers.

As Cal finished her brief exercise, the monitor on the opposite wall caught Thornton's attention. It was tuned to a news service, and while it was on mute the images it displayed told most of the story on their own.

Thornton began preparing himself for another effort to sit up, "What *have* I missed?"
He already knew that, whatever the answer, he had work to do.

Equestrian Calendar: 2nd Month, 9th Day, Year 1002 PB (Post Banishment)
Two Hours After Sunrise
RES Ascendant with Royal Expeditionary Force
0.1 NM East of The Barrier (Equestrian Side)

The fleet had begun to move again with the rising of the Sun. The moment Luna's duty in lowering the Moon had been completed, the Cloudspray, Thunderhead, and Azimuth had taken up rear-guard positions as the Ascendant moved to within a stone's throw of the glittering semi-transparent wall between worlds.

An unearthly silence had fallen over the crew as the vessel came to within half of its own length of the barrier. Flux stood uncomfortably between Brelik and Sildinar. Just ahead of them Luna and the Captain were quietly conversing amongst themselves.

Sildinar finally cleared his throat softly, "With respect Princess; Brelik and I have decided we should be the first to cross, for safety reasons. Our immunity to magic and other forms of... meddling gives us a distinct advantage should this new world prove immediately hostile."

Luna shook her head, and turned to fix the Gryphon with her gaze, "I am grateful for your offer, and your logic is sound, but the danger is more likely to be something that you can not account for; such as unbreathable air or untenable temperatures. If that should be the case, then my magic equips me to fend off such hazards better than your feathers and fur do."

Flux nodded meekly, "Her Majesty has a point; what if the air *were* unbreathable?"

Brelik grunted, "We can hold our breaths longer than any of you, and under worse conditions."

Flux shook his head and stammered, "But what of diseases? Or Temperature differences beyond your tolerance? Or something perhaps caustic in the air--"

Sildinar cut him off with a wave of one claw, "As much as it ruffles my feathers I have to agree; there *are* potentially unforeseen circumstances... So her Highness and myself shall make the foray together."

Luna looked ready to protest, but Sildinar continued swiftly before she could interject, "We each have unique advantages. Should one of us fall victim to some undetectable malice, we stand a better chance of escaping back to this side if we have someone to aid us who is potentially immune to the threat."

Luna stood perfectly still, evaluation the Gryphon's words, before nodding calmly, "As you wish; your judgement is sound, and the risk is yours to take as much as mine."

Luna walked gracefully, and purposefully to the bow-most part of the deck, Sildinar at her side. She turned and offered final words to the Captain, "Should we deem it safe, make ready to follow us. The Azimuth shall stay here to act as a relay post on this side. If we signal; send the Thunderhead, then follow with the Ascendant, and guard the rear with the Cloudspray."

As Luna took to the air on her azure wings, Sildinar offered final instructions to Brelik, "Look after Flux, and keep a sharp eye to the horizon. Instinct tells me that we will not be alone once we've crossed. Make ready in your usual way."

As Sildinar followed Luna with a pair of powerful wingbeats, Brelik murmured to himself, "I already have."

Flux was too busy watching the Princess and Sildinar to parse Brelik's words fully, but they left him with a sense of unease beyond the nervousness already twisting his stomach.

Luna and Sildinar were silent until they reached the glimmering shimmering curtain that separated them from the wonders and dangers of an alien reality. For several moments the pair hovered, taking in the sight of the unpleasant looking teal sky, further occluded by banks of clouds and fog, and the wind-tossed dead sea beneath.

Sildinar was first to break the silence, "Shall we cross?"

Luna nodded once wordlessly. The pair exhaled in tandem, and angled their wings to glide forward slowly. And all at once; everything changed.

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:30 GMT
ACV-10 UES Yorktown
5 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

No one in the ready-room spoke until the footage from the drone had cycled through twice, the second time in slow-motion with overlayed analytics transmitted from the Earthgov Academy of Sciences.

The large, circular, vaulted room was dominated by wall-screens, a window that had been considerately set to opaque for footage viewing, and a variety of wall placed chairs for those attending briefings. The center of the room sported a holotank recessed at floor level, around which the occupants had assembled in a semi-circle facing one wall screen.

While Admiral Laren had technically called the meeting, it had been Thornton's insistence that made it happen. Colonel Puller and his team, Agents Calton and Konem, as well as the Captain, and Mr. Sarac, were present.

The latter had more or less invited himself, as far as Thornton could tell. The scientist was resolved firmly to ignore the man until he went away; in Lawrence's experience that was the best way to be rid of bureaucrats, and his position put him into contact with several a year.

Joining the group via the holotank in the center were Councilors Sulerahmen and Korvan. They had been momentarily perturbed at Sarac's presence, but otherwise remained silent.

Korvan was the first to speak, addressing himself to Thornton, "Doctor... As grateful as we are that you are in relatively good condition, I think I speak for everyone when I say I'd like your professional estimation on the ramifications of the footage we've just seen."

Thornton sighed, and hobbled to the screen. His leg was still slightly sore for having several bones set, and the surrounding tendons repaired with nanoparticles. Thornton raised his hand to the screen, and gestured in a circular motion, reversing the video to the frames he needed to make his point.

"You're looking at stars, a moon, and an ocean with verifiable marine life. That indicates a likely breathable atmosphere. From what I can see here, the gentlemen at the Academy tried to do a spectral analysis on the light from the moon to determine atmospheric composition, and the results look promising for an Oxygen/Nitrogen atmosphere with unique trace inert gasses."

Councilor Sulerahmen crossed her arms and shifted slightly, "Would it be scientifically feasible to posit that there could be intelligent life there?"

Thornton nodded, "Although it is just as feasible a proposition that this world is habitable to us, but empty of intelligent life."

The implications of his words brought the room to a dead standstill and absolute silence. After several seconds of pause, Admiral Laren raised a hand and squinted, "Am I to understand that we're all thinking of this place as a potential new apartment for the human race... and we can't even *get* there?"

Sarac stepped towards the holo-plate and interjected bluntly, "My department has a vested interest in knowing *why* we can not cross the barrier, and if we will ever be able to."

Thornton sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, speaking in a manner so patronizing that Cal physically rolled her eyes, "Imagine you are a giant set of lego-bricks, and the color patterns in three dimensional space define *you.* That is quantum state theory. Now the rules of 'over there,' from what I've seen thus far, require different brick combinations for something to exist. This 'barrier' is not so much a physical obstacle as a discontinuity. When you cross over, the world over there tries to re-arrange your quantum state pattern to be compatible... but if there is no good easy way to do this, then you fall apart to energy and basic carbons. Like the drone."

Thornton pantomimed a poofing explosive motion with his hands, and sank into one of the chairs nearest the screen, massaging his leg with one hand and his head with the other.

Sarac pressed his line of questions before anyone else could respond, "And can we somehow help this process along? Prevent the worst from happening?"

Thornton guffawed; a sound filled more with snark than humor, "At this stage I can't even tell you about the quantum state rules of that place, much less tell you if we can 'port' our equipment and ourselves to those rules safely. Quantum science is centuries behind thanks to *your* government's irrational psychotic paranoias! It could take me a decade to even understand what happens when an object strikes the barrier, let alone work outwards from that to a solution."

Once more Thornton's words garnered silence, thanks in no small part to the fact that they had swiftly turned from patronizing to nearly-enraged.

Konem shifted, and stood, "Well I know I don't have anything else to contribute, so I'm going for some breakfast."

The Captain nodded and seized the opportunity, "We could all do with food and rest." He turned to Thornton, "Doctor; thank you for your analysis, I assume your benefactors will wish to speak with you so you may have the use of this holotank. Admiral, if I may, I submit that we need to pass on what we've learned to Centcom."

Laren nodded and stepped towards the door, tossing over his shoulder, "Colonel Puller, consider yourself availed of as much leave time as you need to recover. As soon as the med-bay clears you, we'll slot you back to the active roster... Mr. Sarac; In future you are *not* invited to my meetings."

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:32 GMT
Exclusion Zone
0.05 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

The air was wrong in so many ways that Sildinar felt as if he would choke on it. The familiar tang of salt from the sea was there, but the air lacked freshness or a sense of life. It was cold in the most barren sense imaginable. Not stale, but somehow lifeless.

The weather too felt somehow shifted; as if the gray and teal occlusion of the sun were permanent, and the resulting weather patterns eternally locked in clouds, fog, rain, and winds.

After several moments of hovering, Sildinar sighed, "It has a strange desolate beauty."

Luna nodded, her eyes fixed on the sky, "I am... imminently familiar with the impression." She turned and shivered reflexively, "I feel... cut off. When we are in Equestria I can sense the position and disposition of the moon... now it is veiled from me. All magic is somehow veiled from me. I feel the spark... but it is as dim as a candle, if Equestria were bright as the sun."

Sildinar raised a concerned eyebrow, "Could this be harmful to you?"

Luna shook her head, "Not immediately... but my powers are severely diminished. We should not tarry alone for long," her horn flared with a pale light that pulsed for several seconds, before going out, "I have tested the air for dark spells, disease, and any poison. There is nothing. It is safe."

The Gryphon snorted and sighed, "I wouldn't use the word 'safe' to describe this world. I believe there is more here than a simple dead ocean."

The three Equestrian airships crossed the barrier in a nervous silence, punctuated only by the creak of wood and ropes. Some of the crew faced the wall of light directly as it washed over them, while others turned away, winced, or covered their eyes with forehooves.

Once the ships had cleared the barrier completely, the Captain surveyed the still-mortified crew, and snorted, "GET YOUR SORRY FLANKS TO STATION! I WILL NOT ASK TWICE!! COME TO PORT AND RACK STARBOARD SAILS," The stallion glanced down at the compass in the binnacle before him, and noted with some relief that it seemed to have latched onto a definable north.

He extracted parchment and a quill from a water-proof drawer below the wheel, and by the time Luna and sildinar had landed on the aft deck, he had sketched a rough map of the visible area.

Brelik and Flux were quick to join him, and before he could mention his first observation Flux did it for him, "The barrier is curved convexly on this side! And considerably more visibly!"

Brelik shrugged his wings, "Which means?"

Flux paced in excitement, "I can't be entirely sure, but I would posit that means our world is larger than theirs by several orders of magnitude. I could work out the mathematics with a sextant, a drawing compass, and a little time."

Luna nodded and offered him what nearly amounted to a smile, "Go to work then. Captain, prepare to take us directly away from Equestria. We have four more days of supplies before we reach a point where we must turn back. We will hold a steady course until then, and hope to discover land."

Brelik jerked his head down at the fore-deck, "You should have all who can carry a weapon stand to arms, and have the ship made ready for combat. If we are taken by surprise here we are at a severe disadvantage."

Sildinar nodded, "Doubly so, as all the mages amongst the crews are no doubt already becoming aware."

Flux squinted in concern, and dug deep into himself, testing his connection to his magical tap. To his horror, he discovered that the familiar nearly endless flow of magic he could feel in Equestria was here little more than a tiny choked trickle.

He gasped, "A world almost without magic?!"

Luna nodded once, "Indeed. We must be cautious, yet swift. Other Equestrian eyes will quickly turn to this world... and if anyone lives here whom we can befriend it is better that *we* make the first impression."

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:45 GMT
CAP Escort 03, Patrol Grid 7-A
2 NM West of the Barrier (Earth Side)

Lieutenant Alvarez, callsign Splashdown, had enough flight hours to put him on the shortlist for the next round of promotions. While it might seem odd to a civilian observer that he would be assigned to combat air patrol on a carrier, given the circumstances only the best and most experienced were being trusted to pilot craft that could cross miles in moments, so close to a deadly hazard.

He could see fleeting glimpses of the barrier to the right; the 'all-glass' bubble canopy of his FA-26 Scythe affording him a view that would be unobstructed but for a thick fog that had sprung up several hours before.

A holographic overlay that covered the entire surface of the canopy painted the sea beneath as a plain, small diamonds with tags for other craft and ships, and the bubble shape of the barrier, in tones of blue and teal.

Airspeed, LADAR, IFF, Missile control, subsystem displays, and AI readouts were all holographic or touch-screen based interfaces on the console before him. Two physical sticks existed to control the craft's independently vectored gimbaling engines, and central hover fan.

The only other fully tactile controls in the cockpit were the master arm, the ejection toggle between his legs,and the throttle quadrant.

Alvarez spared the occasional glance for his LADAR readout, but mostly he kept his eyes on the view outside. Much of the coordinate data he needed to fly his flight plan was painted in digital hues on the inside of the transparent aluminum 'glass' canopy, and Alvarez was a born VFR pilot. He hated being limited to staring into a panel.

His reminiscence on the excellent design features of the Scythe was cut startlingly short by a series of nagging beeps and the words, "New Thermal Contacts," delivered in the disconcertingly inflectionless female voice of the craft's AI.

Alvarez straightened, and swept his thumb through the holographic toggle marked, 'TO-SHP' on the radio panel, "CIC; Escort 03 Splashdown; I have two... make that three, *three* inbound new thermal contacts. LADAR cross-check confirms large objects have appeared in Barrier-vicinity within the exclusion zone."

"Splashdown, CIC; Bulwark, we have confirmation from onboard sensor packets. Air Group is now in defense condition two, and the Bridge is requesting direct patch. Open secondary comm squawk 126.2"

Alvarez gestured inside a holographic circle to set the frequency, then pressed a button on the central touchscreen, "Bridge, Splashdown; go ahead sir."

A voice the pilot recognized as the Admiral himself came over the line, "Lieutenant. Give me your read on the situation."

Alvarez sighed and shook his head, his eyes widening as he glanced at the LADAR panel again, "Objects are large, slow moving, but consistent and symmetrical. I'd say they were large VTOLs except that there are no engine signatures on scope. Please advise."

There was a pause, then Laren's voice returned, "Special dispensation; danger safe limits lifted. Proceed supersonic to waypoint Charlie-Five-Two, drop to sub-sonic, and do low-pass reconnaissance."

"Escort 03 acknowledges; going Dispy Doodle to Mach one-point-six."

Alvarez pulled back on the throttle, and with a roar the Scythe leapt effortlessly across the sound barrier, aided by a slight dive. As the craft descended, Alvarez pushed the stick right and the barrier began to loom.

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:46 GMT
RES Ascendant with Royal Expeditionary Force
0.05 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

"Autumn Zephyr.. you feel you are up to this task?" The young female Pegasus offered Luna a salute with one hoof, "I feel the magic drain, same as all of us... but I can still move faster than anyone else in the fleet. I'll do as you say; go ahead, scout, return within the hour."

Luna nodded and gestured with a wing, "Proceed."

Zephyr grinned mischievously, "Yes your highness!" with gusto the young Pegasus took to the air, the downdraft from her wings so strong that it nearly knocked Flux backwards.

Sildinar sighed, "Is this wise?"

The Captain nodded, "She may not be as much a warrior as you fellows with claws and talons and beaks... but she's so fast I doubt if anything malicious could catch her."

Brelik inclined his head, "I hope you are right on that count."

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:47 GMT
ACV-10 UES Yorktown
5 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

The Alarm caused some of the more inexperienced seamen and technicians to visibly jump. Laren and the Captain were used to the klaxon, but given the situation it was the most nervous either man had felt in a potential combat situation in years.

The LADAR operator turned and shouted, "INCOMING! Subsonic smart tracking ordinance towards port-side from heading nine-one degrees, tac four-two elevation, tac five-zero-four knots. Range zero-four and closing!"

The Captain strode to the holotank, addressing the bridge AI and the crew simultaneously,"Bring the ship up to combat alert Alpha; defcon 1. Launch alert fighters, and prep spar-hawk batteries to shoot down incoming ordinance."

Laren was already leaning over the LADAR operator's booth, "Time?"

"Twenty Sec."

"Origin?"

The operator tapped his screen with a finger, "Splashdown's mysterious contacts."

Laren stepped over to the radio operator and picked up the spare headset, "Splashdown, Yorktown Bridge; inbound ordinance is off your contacts. At 08:47 I authenticate change in mission directives to combat recon and an attack pass; authorization Tango Whiskey one one Zulu. Switch to CIC; Airstream for specific directives and vectors."

Sparhawk HIHV anti-missile ordinance; High Impact High Velocity rail-rounds designed to ignite a small phosphor charge upon contact to force-detonate incoming warheads. Each individual launcher aboard a naval vessel could spray six hundred rounds per second non-stop for five minutes. The Yorktown had thirty five launchers. Each could propel a round at mach 17, target within 0.08 seconds, and release within another 0.95.

The moment the order came from the bridge to unshackle the defense AI's anti-missile protocols, every launcher on the port side of the ship instantly flicked out from its protective housing. Within 0.07982 seconds the AI had independently acquired the target in seventeen different ways.

Another 0.62 seconds later every active battery had articulated to a firing solution, and begun to cycle rounds.

0.21 seconds later, those rounds arrived.

"The BUCK?!?!"

Zephyr wasn't sure what to make of the grey blotch on the horizon, but when her preternaturally fast Pegasus reflexes told her something was amiss, she flared her wings and slashed her speed to a hover.

Before the words had even left her muzzle, streaks of light filled the space she had nearly flown into, and passed mere feet above her head with a terrifying whistle and screech.

Zephyr carefully, slowly, dived to the ocean below, leveling off at such a low altitude that she could fly amongst the troughs and crests of the waves. Whatever she had seen, it was clear to her that it was unfriendly, and it was shooting at her.

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:48 GMT
ACV-10 UES Yorktown
5 NM West of The Barrier (Earth Side)

"Scratch missile. No additional contacts. AI reports no explosion, but target has dropped off scopes. Classifying as a fragmentation."

The Captain nodded at the LADAR operator, and returned to the holotank, "Pull up telemetry and guncam from Escort 03."

The radio chatter that accompanied the images filled the bridge speaker, "Escort 03 proceed to killbox and engage targets; close-strafe subsonic pattern. Visual verification requested before attack run. Snap to heading zero-eight-one tac negative zero-one-zero dive angle. Set speed for two-zero-zero knots."

"Splashdown proceeding Killbox one-alpha. Angels two off the deck, track east. Speed two-zero-zero. Switching master arm."

Earth Calendar: 1/21/2102
08:45 GMT
CAP Escort 03, Patrol Grid 6-C
0.5 NM West of the Barrier (Earth Side)

Alvarez throttled back to the requisite speed, and peered through the fog. The thermal images had, instead of resolving, become more distorted along with LADAR due to barrier proximity.

"Yorktown; Splashdown, I can't see anything in this fog and I'm flying instrument-blind beyond zero-point-one NM."

"Roger, switch hover-configuration and adjust for a down-angle pass."

Alvarez swiftly reconfigured the throttle quadrant, "Switching." At his behest massive panels slid back in the rear of the craft, revealing a giant hover fan. The onboard AI automatically compensated for the new control scheme, smoothly adjusting the interaction between the sticks and the engines.

"Yorktown; 03, bogeys in range in three sec. Standby."

The Scythe moved vertically, having bled ninety nine percent of its horizontal momentum. When the craft finally pierced the last layer of fog, Alvarez moved his finger to the trigger, but suddenly stopped, nearly jerking the stick itself back in sheer dumbfounded shock.

The lieutenant took one gloved hand off the throttle quadrant, flipped up his protection visor, and rubbed his eyes. "Uhhh... Tower? Are you *seeing* this?"

"Negative 03; video feed is down due to interference. Describe the situation."

Alvarez shook his head and exhaled, "I.. uhhh... I'm looking at three.... blimp... ship... 'things'.... crewed by.... "

"Say again?"

Alvarez cleared his throat, winced, and spoke louder, "I have three airships. Crewed by... little pastel... Ponies."

"I'm sorry 03... did you say... Airships? Ponies? Please clarify."

Alvarez gestured to his canopy glass, even though no one on Yorktown could see him, shouting into his mic as much to dispel his own disbelief as the Admiral's, "I'm LOOKING *right* at three AIRSHIPS crewed by bloody PONIES!"

Before the conversation could continue, and before Alvarez could steal another glance at the shocked equine faces below and ahead of him, a loud 'THUNK' sounded behind him. He whipped his head around to behold an impossible situation unfolding.

Before he could report on the new turn of events, the tip of a spear thicker than his entire head rammed into his canopy, slicing directly through the supposedly bullet-proof transparent-aluminum as if it were tissue-paper.

The leaf-blade stopped inches from his helmet, and retracted; Alvarez suddenly got a better look at the being behind the enormous weapon, and blanched.

He had to shout to make himself heard over the comm against the depressurization alarm and the howl of the wind mixed with engine-whine, "TOWER! JUST HAD MY CANOPY PUNCTURED! BY AN ANGRY BIRD-LION! WITH A SPEAR!"

"Son of a..."