//------------------------------//
// Spike at Your Service 
// Story: A Dream 
// by totallynotabrony 
//------------------------------//

	Granny Smith died of cancer.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” I slurred, the tequila I had imbibed earlier that day affecting my communication skills.
Applejack had taken her hat off and was looking at the floor of the library.  “It was so sudden.  I’m just glad she was able to see another family reunion.”
“I’ve never heard of cancer being sudden before.  Was it supercancer?”  That was a little insensitive, but I was drunk.
“It was a strange thing,” Applejack agreed, shaking her head.  “The doctors couldn’t figure it out.  At least she didn’t suffer much, like Ma and Pa.”
“So…can I offer you a drink?”
She looked at my bottle warily.  “I’m sure that stuff would take away my mind for a while, but I have a funeral to plan.  I’ll be away from the farm all day settin’ things up.”
I nodded.  “Yeah, that’s probably something you want to do sober.”
Applejack left the library.  Twilight came over to me.  Her nose wrinkled in disgust.  “I thought you weren’t going to drink so much.”
“Well, since it is now clear that I can’t outsmart the Black Twins with stupid human tricks, I need to come up with something they’ll never expect from anyone.  I figured alcohol will help with that.  I’ve had some of my worst ideas while hammered.”
“Well, don’t bother me, I have a lot of reading to get done.”  Twilight turned away.  Spike had put together a stack of a dozen books that Princess Celestia wanted Twilight to read.  The titles were things like Making Friends With Creatures You Hate and What to do When One of Your Worst Enemies Comes Back.  Seemed like a rather strange field of study.
Twilight gave Spike the rest of the day off.  I lay around for a while longer, unable to come up with any stupid ideas.  In the afternoon, I finally ran out of tequila.
Scowling at the bottle, I got up to go find some more.  There wasn’t any and I would have to brew some more.  At least I had the makings of a faint idea.
I headed for the Ponyville Industrial Nuclear Powerplant.  The PINP wasn’t functioning yet, but when I finally got it online it would take care of a significant portion of Equestria’s energy needs.  Combined with the hydroelectric dam, it would even make the air pollution insignificant.
I studied the design of the building for a while.  The walls may have been packed with explosives, but that didn’t mean I could easily destroy it if I wanted to.  Why had I built it that way, anyway?
I frowned.  Oh yeah, I had a surplus of explosives lying around and it was cheaper to just integrate them in to the construction than buy more concrete.
After making a few notes, I headed back to Ponyville.  I encountered Trixie and the Crusaders along the way.
“Valiant!  We just had a cool idea!” exclaimed Apple Bloom.
Scootaloo grinned.  “It would be just like boxing, except with Robots!”
“Best cutie mark ever!” cried Sweetie Belle.
“But we need the robots first,” added Trixie.
They all looked at me with anticipation.  I thought for a moment.  “Well, the time it would take to build at least two robots is probably longer than it would take to just go knock over Fillydelphia Cybernetics.  I’ve been putting that off for too long anyway.”
“Cutie Mark Crusader Super-Hostile Takeover!”  I cheered along with them.
After a quick stop at Rarity’s to get some custom-made tactical gear, we piled into Monstrosity and headed for Fillydellphia.
“These big sharp knitting needles Rarity let me borrow will work great!” said Scootaloo.  She had them folded under her wings.  The little pegasus looked at Sweetie Belle.  “Where did you get that samurai sword?”
“It’s a ninja sword,” answered Sweetie.  She didn’t say where.
“Ah guess I’ve got the worst weapon,” sighed Apple Bloom.  “Applejack only let me borrow her rope.”
“Now now,” I comforted her, “rope can always come in handy.”
“Says you,” she grumped.  “You built that gun yourself.”
“He also forged my sword.”  Trixie grinned.  “Thanks dad.”
“Never let it be said that any kid of mine isn’t badass.”  I carefully banked Monstrosity low over the city of Fillydelphia.  There weren’t any great places to land, so I brought us in for a hover over the target.  The four fillies fast-roped down to secure the area and then I just plopped the aircraft down on the roof.  It didn’t collapse.  While that would have been cool, I kind of wanted to interrogate the ponies inside.
After shutting down the engines, I clipped a rappel line to the edge of the roof and swung down over the side, landing on the sidewalk beside the front door.  I looked up at the sign on the side of the building.  It was new, so new I could still smell fresh paint, and it read Hoofnmouth Industries.
Confused, I shrugged and went ahead with the plan.  I bucked open the door and the five of us went in.  As it happened, there were five employees, so we each got one.  All of them were too surprised and scared to fight.  I pointed the barrel of the gun at the guy I assumed was in charge.  He wore a vest with manager stitched on it.  “Tell me about the robots.”
He blinked.  “Well, we have a lot of them.”
“Did you build an eight-legged one recently?”
The pony nodded.  “Yeah, it was for a freaky-looking mare that kind of resembled that filly over there.”  He pointed at Trixie.
I nodded.  Finally we were getting somewhere.  “We recovered a data plate that fell off the robot that indicates the robot was built in cooperation with the Crystal King.  Can you tell me more about that?”
“Well, he put memory charms on us all that would activate if we ever talked about him, but since I heard that Sombra died shortly after the Crystal Empire was discovered—”  The stallion suddenly stopped speaking, a vacant look in his eyes.
I bumped his forehead with the barrel of the gun.  “Hello?”
He blinked.  “What?”
“You were just about to tell me what the deal was with the Crystal King.”
“The who?”
I ripped off a long colorful string of profanity that was entirely inappropriate with four fillies present.  I shouted at the other shop employees.  “Tell me what you know!”
They tried.  None were able.
“Wow, that was some powerful magic,” noted Trixie.  “I don’t know much about memory spells—I haven’t gotten to that book yet—but it sure took a lot of energy.  I don’t think a counterspell would be able to recover anything.”
“Well, just like Pinocchio, shit got real.”  I kicked a robot in frustration.  It actually looked like a pretty sophisticated piece of equipment.
“How did you guys get this technology, anyway?”  I was pretty sure nothing of the kind had existed before I came to Equestria, and they’d somehow managed to put all of this together quickly.  I hadn’t heard even a hint of them before the Changeling invasion.
The manager started to speak, but blanked out again.  “I don’t know.”
“Don’t tell me that was part of the memory spell, too.”  Apparently the Crystal King was more involved with the robots than I thought.  Had he started the operation?  Just how long had this guy been working behind the scenes?  And was King Sombra, of the Crystal Empire, actually the Crystal King?  That would make sense, but with so much stuff not making any, was the one logical thing actually false?
“Well, at least we can take their gear.”  I directed the Crusaders to cut a hole in the roof so we could airlift everything out.
“So what are you going to do now that your source of livelihood is gone and you can’t remember why?” I asked the manager.
He shrugged.  “No idea.  We’ve got lots of tools for making intricate parts.  Maybe go into the clock business.”
Something about that struck me.  The old Hoofnmouth Industries that I had encountered in the past made clocks, yet were somehow involved with the Twilight terminator robot.  I asked, “Why did you suddenly change the company name?”
“We got a letter suggesting it.”  He shrugged.  “It sounded like a good idea.  Strangely, the return address was for Hoofnmouth Industries in Ponyville.  I checked, and they don’t exist.”
But they used to.  In fact, I had set up in their old building until the Black Twins flattened it.  This was very strange, and trying to think about it was giving me a headache.  I was afraid that we might have a time-traveling company on our hands, and that always made things more complicated.
We continued to take their stuff, and the Hoofnmouth Industries employees didn’t put up too much of a fight.  I suppose them not knowing anything about the robots helped.  I holstered my handgun so I could help the fillies out.
I spotted a strange device.  I wasn’t sure if it was a Geiger counter or a magic equivalent.  Either way, it was labeled, radiation detector, and it beeped when Trixie passed by.
I frowned.  It had been radiation from the bomb I built mixed with magic that had mutated Trixie into an eight-legged freak.  Through all of that and getting turned back into a filly, nobody had thought to decontaminate her.  I suddenly had a terrible thought.  She’d been hanging out with the Crusaders a lot lately, especially at the Apple family reunion.  Could that have been enough to overcome Granny Smith’s weak immune system and touch off a case of supercancer?
I sat Trixie down and had a talk with her.  I had already told her all the things that she’d done as asshole-Trixie because I wanted her to not do those things again.  Her eyes widened in fear as I showed how the radiation detector reacted.  “What’s going to happen to me?”
“I think that’s probably a question for Twilight.  Until then, I’d like you to keep this giant block of lead I found in the corner of the building between you and me at all times.”
Trixie looked at the block sadly.  “Okay, if it’s for your safety.”
We had to figure out how to creatively load Monstrosity so that the robots and Trixie with her block wouldn’t throw off the weight distribution.  I hated to do it, but Trixie was positioned as far away from the Crusaders and I as possible.
Back in Ponyville, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo took away the robots to suit their various purposes.  Trixie and I met with Twilight.  I had to pull her away from her reading.
“Hmm, I think I see your problem,” said Twilight.  “It’s magical radiation.”
“Isn’t magic what you do?” I asked.  “Get rid of it.”
“Nopony has ever seen anything like this before,” she said.  “We’d have to invent a whole new field of study just to learn more about it, to say nothing of decontamination.  The whole process could take years.”
Seeing the horrified look on Trixie’s face, I gave her a smile.  “Hey, don’t worry.  Once you’re a mutant, radiation can’t hurt you any further.  It’s well documented.”
She smiled.  “Thanks.  That makes me feel better.”  She went outside to play, dragging the block along with her.
As the door closed, I burst out, “Oh God, why do I feel so bad about lying to her?”
“Well, there might be a small amount of truth to what you said.”
“Really?”  I looked up, hopeful.
“Well, I can’t say for sure that there isn’t.  I mean, I just told you nopony knows anything about this.”  Twilight looked out the window thoughtfully.  “I’ve never seen a filly of that age with such advanced magic.  Her technique isn’t great, but she has a lot of raw power.  Knowing what I know about old Trixie, I think she might be stronger now.”
“Does that come from reading your magic books, or radiation?” I asked.
Twilight shrugged.  “Either way, it’s probably a good thing she likes you.”
I considered that.  Yeah, definitely nice to have her as an ally.
Applejack came by.  She wore a black hat and a grim expression.  “We’re holdin’ the funeral soon.   I’d appreciate it if y’all came.”
“Sure,” said Twilight.  “I’ll give you all the support a friend should.”
I agreed to go, while quietly avoiding any mention of Trixie.  Like Twilight said, we didn’t know anything about magical radiation.  Maybe it actually caused anti-cancer, and Granny Smith hadn’t been exposed enough.  Yeah, let’s go with that.
The weather was good, and the services would be held at the cemetery.  Twilight and I walked with Applejack.  The unicorn looked around.  “I haven’t seen Spike all day.”
I shrugged.  “He’ll probably turn up.  How much trouble can a baby dragon find?”
She frowned.  “Have you forgotten all the times he—”
“Guys, I just found out something really cool!”  Spike came running up as fast as his short legs could carry him.
“Where have you been?” asked Twilight.
“Well, it’s kind of a long story how I got into the Everfree Forest, but while I was there, I found out that I’m tougher than I thought!  I was attacked by these timberwolves, and I thought I was a goner, but when they tried to bite me, it didn’t work because their teeth are made of wood and I’m covered in hard scales.”
I gave him a hoof-bump.  “Nice.”
Spike looked at Applejack’s somber face, remembering why she had come to the library that morning.  “I’m sorry again.  Losing somepony so close to you must be hard.”
“It’s all right,” she sighed.  “Here’s to hopin’ we can just get some peace and put this all behind us.”
Of course, that’s not how it worked out at all.  I should have known that my day was going too well.  
We passed by the body lying in the coffin.  It’s always freaked me out a little bit that dead people look like plastic.  Here in Equestria, the coat of hair covering a pony's body helped a little.
Once the viewing came to an end and we were all sitting, the event speaker stepped up to the podium.  Before the speech could get started, the Black Twins elbowed their way to the front.
“Thank you for all coming to this funeral,” said Woody.  “I’m sure some of you are heartbroken.”
“We can’t make it any less sad, but at least everything can be more interesting,” added Beauty.
I started to get out of my seat.  Beside me, I saw Twilight’s horn begin to glow, perhaps putting together a defensive spell.  While the majority of the harm the Black Twins had done was directed at me, enough collateral damage had occurred that everyone in town was afraid of them.
The two ponies at the front turned to the coffin and blasted it apart with magic.  Applejack shot up, rage in her eyes.  She stopped short as Granny Smith crawled out of the wreckage of the casket.  Her eyes were rheumy and it was apparent that her movements were more jerky and uncoordinated than usual.
Twilight was so surprised that she didn’t immediately react.  Applejack started forward.  “Granny…”
The rest of the crowd screamed and ran.  Spike shouted, “Zombie!”
I drew my gun, silently grateful that I hadn’t had time to take the holster off since getting back from Fillydelphia.  Yeah, I took a gun to a funeral, but when it comes down to reanimated corpses, who’s laughing now?
Granny Smith was pretty slow to begin with, but undeath made her even worse.  I had plenty of time to line up the sights and pull the trigger.  Headshot.  Perfect.
I looked around.  The Black Twins had disappeared.  Grumbling, I shoved the gun back in its holster.  I noticed Rainbow writing quickly in a notebook.  “What are you doing?”
“This is great action!  A zombie at a funeral and two incredibly hard to kill enemies popping up every so often to create drama!”  She put the quill back in her mouth and kept writing.
“Since when do you need inspiration for action scenes?” I asked.
“I’m writing a novel.  It’s about this awesome pegasus who's the best flyer ever, and becomes the captain of the Wonderbolts!”
I stared at her.  “Other than being author wish-fulfillment and a terrible Mary Sue character, how exactly does that pertain to zombies and funerals?”
Rainbow shrugged.  “It’s really hard to come up with filler.  I mean, did you know a story isn’t a novel unless it’s more than 50,000 words long?”
I laughed.  “Seriously?  Who has time for that?”
Rainbow shrugged and kept writing.  I glanced over to where Applejack was looking glumly at the ruined funeral decorations.  At least she was smart enough not to approach the body.  You never know how contagious that zombism is.
I frowned.  Wait, wasn’t it a magically created zombie?  Did that affect things?  My eyes widened.  The Black Twins could bring things back to life.  Oh shit.  There were a lot of enemies I had that would need re-killing if they decided to make that happen.
Pissed, I wandered back towards the library.  There was a lot I needed to do to get ready.  I figured I should probably contact the Crusaders and see if they were ready to work on the robots.  After that, I needed a much improved design for weaponry.  The pistol was not going to cut it.
I wondered what kind luck I had to cause something like this to happen.  Several somethings, actually.  It had been a pretty much nonstop parade of bad stuff.  I figured that if one more thing happened, it might drive me insane.
Just then, I was struck by lightning from a contrived bit of deus ex machina. 
totallynotabrony sat back from the keyboard, steepling his fingers.  He grinned maliciously.  “Excellent.”