//------------------------------// // Spike's Discovery, 50 Shades of ..., King Sombra's Reeducation, Celestia goes to White Castle and a Bonus Short Story // Story: Cupcakes A$$ Kicking. // by thewaffler //------------------------------// Spike was a teenager and like all teens he was a tad narcissistic, so when he heard about accidental internet hook up between the hoo-man internet and Equestria's internet his curiosity got the better of him and did a little search of his own. About twenty or so minutes later Spike came to the realization and that is... "Hoo-mans think, I'm awesome." Spike cheered to no one in particular. He found fic after fic of him getting paired with damn near every mare in town. Of course a lot of those "ship fics" painted him as an emotional and cry baby bitch, but according to the stories, he read apparently he gets more flank than the only toilet at a chili cook off. The stories that weren't about him hooking up with other ponies were about him saving the world and being awesome like the offspring of Con Mane and angry bear made out of guns. Apparently, quite a few writers liked to pair him with a woman called" Buffy the Vampire Slayer, but she was hot so he didn't care. Sure there were the slash fics and grim dark stories that everypony has seen but in general Spike's stories in the words of the dragon himself. "sweet." 'I gotta do something extremely nice for my adoring fans...Hmmm.' The drake thought to himself and then remembered some of the big name contacts he had from Canterlot. Bronies and Pegasisters all over the world were disappearing and the only connecting thread that tied them together was they all created gratuitous Spike stories and fan art. A few later at an undisclosed location It was a dark room and roughly fifty or so bronies and pegasisters were just waking up and were fearful of where they all were and why they couldn't move. They began to question their surroundings and make comments: “Where are we?” “Why can't I move?” “Are these vinyl seats “ “I hear music.” “What smells so good?” “Why is it so dark in here?” “Who's touching me? “ “I can feel the room slightly rocking.” Suddenly, the door opened and the recessed lighting above them flickered on and revealed to them that they were in some kind of giant lounge with a chilled bucket full of ice and several bottles of some kind of liquor. A small three and a half foot tall figure stood in the doorway. "I know you're wondering why you can't move and where you are, but don't worry that's just the temporary muscle relaxant that used to get you guys here." "Here for what, exactly?" "The super awesome yacht party, I wanted to throw for you guys." He stepped forward to show that the figure was Spike wearing slacks, a dress shirt and jacket along with his white hat. The room let a collective gasp followed by happy cheers and applause for the hero of the Crystal Empire. Spike is all his years never felt as appreciated and loved as he did at this moment. 'Heck they didn't even give me a medal when I helped defeat Discord and when I stopped Twilight from tearing the town apart.' A few minutes later the muscle relaxant wore off and the people got off the lounge chair toward the door of the room and walked out to a balcony that gave them a few of their surroundings. To say it was impressive would have been an understatement. The yacht seemed like a small ocean liner. A blonde haired woman turned to Spike. "I didn't know you were rich." "I'm not, I just have a lot of friends in high places. This boat is borrowed from Hoity Toity, the food is from a griffin caterer I met at a cooking competition and the bands will I just showed up and they agreed to play as long as long as I did some autographs and signed some plushies." "Wait...there are live bands and that isn't a stereo we heard?" "Yep, I didn't know what you guys liked to listen to, so I got a little bit of everything. Just head down to the front of the ship and you'll see what I mean." The most awesome yacht party on Earth took place. Eventually the party attracted the attention of the United States coast guard. The dancing and merry making stopped as megaphone was heard. "What's all this about?" "I can explain sir." Spike said trying to defuse the situation. The crew aboard the Utility boat saw an odd sight of it being their favorite character from one of their favorite shows here on a massive yacht. "HOLY SHIT, IT'S SPIKE!!!" The three men cheered and like a Fanta commercial the abandoned their task at hand and joined the party on deck, but as for protocol they would sink a boat later that day, just so they can explain where they were when their commanding officer asked what happened that day in the reports. Several Hours Later The deck was a mess of booze, food, and passed out people. Spike woke up and surveyed the scene. "It's gonna be a pain to clean all this up." What else happened in Ponyville that day Rainbow Dash was relaxing on a cloud above Ponyville when she glanced down only to see Twilight wearing a trench coat and sun glasses holding a brown unmarked bag as she trotted out of a book store. "Hey, Twilight!" The unicorn jumped as her prismatic maned friend greeted her. "IT'S NOT MINE, I WAS BUYING IT FOR A FRIEND...I DON'T KNOW HOW TO READ!!!" To say Rainbow Dash was confused would have been the understatement of the year. "Um, Twi?" Her only response was a bright flash of light as Twilight teleported in such a hurry that she dropped her bag. Curious, the pegasus picked up what her friend had dropped, flew back up to her cloud and removed its contents. It was simple paperback book with a picture of a tie on the front with the title: Fifty Shades of Grey, The Equestrian Adaptation. "50 Shades of Grey, hmmm? It's probably some kinda of book of art, pffft." Dismissing the title Rainbow decided reading it couldn't hurt, plus she had time to kill till work started that afternoon. Half An Hour Later Rainbow Dash was panting against her cloud, mind filled with lude fantasies, she was abou--- "HIYA DASHIE, WHATCHA READIN'!!!" Pinkie called up to her best friend interrupting her thoughts. "I...UM...UH....LOOK OVER THERE, FREE CANDY!" Rainbow shouted and just as Pinkie turned her head to validate her friend's claim, Dash took off at mach two and just as Twilight had done earlier as bewildered pony was left behind with a book. "50 Shades of Grey? Meh, the movie was better, but this book needs a good home." She said tapping her chin. "Ooh, I know the library and Twilight loves to read new books." With book porn in hoof, the fuchsia celebration pony trotted towards the public library. Another adventure with Perry Piekinski The linebacker was relaxing in a hammock near the lakeside home of Magnum and Fran aka Sweetie Belle's parents. Perry had agreed to house sit for the pair as they went another elaborate amazing vacation without their children. As the human laid there and reflected on what other fictional characters he'd like to beat and or cripple. "Me am think, me will go to The Big Bang Theory's universe...where Sheldon Cooper is real." He began to dream about mashing in the nerd's face with a oar while yelling that, 'real people don't talk this way!' Sadly dreams must end as Perry felt something poking him trying to get his attention. He opened one eye to see who it was, to his annoyance it was King Sombra. You see for the last month or so the "evil" king had been trying to get Perry to kick his ass. Being a psychology major, it wasn't difficult for the human to understand why the unicorn wanted to receive a savage beating involving a rake. It comes from a simple need to be accepted. "Look little buddy, You aren't evil enough to warrant an ass kicking, hell you didn't even make a pony cry. Plus, you look like a reject from pony creator, no offense." "RRRAAAHH ROO RAAAAAAH!" Translation: No offense taken. "That's another thing, you can't talk right." Perry shook his head and began to feel even more sorry for the villain. "RAAAAH!" Sombra bellowed with a sad expression on his face. Perry couldn't take it anymore and genuinely felt terrible for the poor slavery and crystal obsessed stallion. Then he had an idea so brilliant, you'd think he had been standing in the Crusader Clubhouse. "Me can fix you." Using the power of the forth wall and a song parody stolen from South Park, Perry used the power of the montage to whip Sombrero into shape. It started with teaching the villain how to speak and to accomplish this Perry tied him to a chair and forced him to watch a two day Captain Planet marathon. "...You'll pay for this ponies!!!" Next, they worked on motivation. Enslaving ponies was a good start, but sombra learned that it would be better if he did something that would affect the general Equestrian population. He settled for the desire to create a war between the Griffin Empire and Equestria and defeating the victor to ensure global domination. Last, they worked on his appearance. Tim Gun appeared to redesign his outfit, something less gaudy and more refined, the armor is a nice touch, but the fruity cape needed to go in favor something off white that lulls his enemies into a false sense of security, something that screams I'm honorable, but at the last minute, I'll stab you in the back and murder your entire family. It was a lot of work, but thanks to the montage it was all done in ten minutes. Perry turned to Sombra. "Me am think, you are ready." "Feel the Earth crumble and turn to ash as I, Lord Sombra will destroy everything you hold dear Celestia. I think I shall start with you're little purple pets. I wonder how long they'll last." He licked his fangs as he made his point. "Very Good, Me am so proud of you." The linebacker wiped a tear from the corner of his left eye. "Now, here's your reward." Perry took out a cinder block with a chain tied around it and wrapped the other end of the chain around the his hand. He took a powerful swing and started beat the shit out of King Sombra. The evil unicorn tried to run away as the hulking human chased him past the horizon whipping him with his makeshift flail. What Celestia and her friends were doing Once again instead of doing any actual political work, the four of them and by them I mean Celestia, Discord, Luna and Gary Gygax, were getting baked out of their minds. The Princesses figured that if it something really important they could just send it to Twilight and make it look like an assignment... "I'm hungry." "We can order out." "Nah, we did last time Lulu." "How about Taco shack?" "No, I want something we haven't had in awhile, something that really hits the spot." "White Castle?" Gary suggested not even knowing if Equestria had an equivalent to the Earth fast food chain. "Excellent, idea we shall go to The White Castle, home of Baron von Gorgostein. There we shall partake of his never ending chocolate fountain, mountains of onion rings, cheesecakes, so big they could feed a thousand ponies and gorge ourselves of his buckets of yeast rolls." Luna said in grandiose manner. "Then it's settled we will all go to White Castle, while Candence and Shining Armor foalsit the kingdom." Celestia said making their trip sound official. Discord summoned a 1975 AMC Pacer, because he wanted them to travel in something that reminded him of himself. "I haven't seen one of these since...ummm...I forget." They shot him an odd look. "What? I'm sixty nine years old, cut me some slack." They made their way to the Castle engaged in a amazing off screen fight and played a prank on Baron von Gorgostein which involved chopping off his many regrowing heads. By the time everything was said and done Celestia had never eaten so much cake, Discord had never drank so much aerosol cheese, Luna had passed out in a plate of onion rings and Garry got diabetes from all the sugary snacks he consumed, but it was okay because Discord cured him of his diabetes and his gout. Bonus Short Story: Why Trixie doesn't trust Wheels Trixie was planning on returning in Season Two, but lost at Wheel of Fortune and had to work for cash. The showmare spun the wheel. It landed on $800. "The great and Powerful Trixie would like to solve. Clearly the answer is: Suck it, Twilight." Pat pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation and let out a deep sigh. "For the last time, it is not 'Suck it, Twilight' and the category is famous place." Several Months Later The blue unicorn colt looked back at his new supreme overlord. "Wouldn't it be easier if it had wheels?" Trixie looks upon the young colt in annoyance. "The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn't trust wheels... she has her reasons... Fuck you, Pat Sajak." The angry mare mumbled her final words, while the two colts continued to drag the cart.