//------------------------------// // Ch. 21 - Mother Knows Best // Story: The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian // by Georg //------------------------------// The Traveling Tutor and the Librarian Mother Knows Best Twilight Sparkle tagged along after her mother, Twilight Velvet, as they trotted into the library together, hardly even noticing as Spike quietly made himself scarce. The little dragon had learned by experience that he could barely keep up with one Twilight at a time, let alone two. “So tell me all about what’s been happening to you lately, dear. You know your letters home just aren’t the same as your visits.” Twilight Velvet did not even pause in the library lobby, heading straight for the kitchen as if it were the bottom of the local gravity well. “Mom. I write every week. Every. Week. Well, almost every week. I would much rather hear what you and Dad have been up to lately.” Twilight’s mother paused in her investigation of the icebox, a surefire sign that she was hiding something. Twilight knew Twilight as well as herself, from long study involving the hiding of cookie jars and Hearth’s Warming gifts⁽*⁾. (*) Twilight Sparkle never realized her mother was not really trying to hide things from her daughter, but training her searching skills. Night Light finally put a stop to it when the mother began hiding the cookies in alternate dimensions, and the daughter was still finding them. — “Really, dear. You would be bored to tears. Your father has been working late for the last few months, and I’ve got a few weeks free ever since the accelerator ring at work blew up last week⁽¹⁾, so we decided to go visit some relatives in Fillydelphia.” (1) Thermal issue with the Rainbow Recirculation Pump. It needed to be 20% cooler. — The younger Twilight slowly nodded. “Uh-huh.” “The trip down from Canterlot seemed to take forever this morning. The dining car was closed due to their icebox overheating, and they said it would be until tomorrow before they could get it fixed. Oh good, you have celery.” Several stalks of celery floated out of the icebox, as well as apples, pears, lettuce, cucumbers, some leftover pancakes, and a half jar of raspberry jam. “Well, you know your father, he didn’t want to make a fuss, but I told him I really didn’t have anything to keep me busy on the trip anyway so— dear, you’re almost out of ice cream.” Remains of a tub of fudge ripple floated out to join the rest of the sacrifices on the kitchen table, all huddled together as if they were dreading their fate. “It was just a hairline crack on the crystalline recooler, took more time to disassemble the icebox and put it back together than to fix. Realigned the coils and fixed a nasty squeak in the hinges too. They should have been grateful instead of throwing me out of the dining car.” A loaf of bread floated over to the table, and Twilight Velvet pulled a sharp knife out of the kitchen drawer. “Mother, I can feed myself.” “Dear!” Twilight Velvet clutched one hoof to her chest in almost the exact way Rarity would react. “I am your mother. Now sit down and let me make you a sandwich.” The knife dropped down, and a series of sliced vegetables began to pile up on the chopping board. Professor Velvet’s favorite lecturing and research routines both involved a large knife and a collection of sliceable objects, resulting in a rapid change in her teaching career from Organic Chemistry to Physics, a subject matter fortuitously lacking in poisonous or explosive chemicals.⁽²⁾ It made for interesting staff meetings at the university, but they never had to worry about healthy snacks. (2) There were no actual casualties involved in Professor Velvet’s first Advanced Chemistry lecture, due to the swift action of campus security and a general reluctance of her lecture class to consume sandwiches that hissed and smoked. — “We had stopped at that quaint little diner down the block to get a bite to eat before dropping by here, but the nice lady seemed under so much stress that we only picked up a few things. Cruller?” Whatever Twilight Sparkle had to say was muffled by the sudden insertion of a Sugarcube Corner baked treat into her mouth. It took a bit of chewing to start talking again, in a race between the two Twilights, each with their own pastry. “Mrs. Cake has twins,” gasped Twilight Sparkle, having won the race by a swallow. “She’s probably under a lot of stress because Pound Cake has been having early flying fits and Pumpkin Cake is Flaring.” “Oh, isn’t that cute. Twins run in our family, you know.” Mother Velvet quit chopping for a moment as a look of pure maternal bliss swept across her face, the knife held loosely over an onion. “I remember when you were Flaring as a foal. Your father’s eyebrows still haven’t grown back all the way, and we never did find out what happened to the neighbor’s cat⁽³⁾. It’ll be good to hear the pitter-patter of little hooves around the hallways again.” (3) Nothing serious, it just ran away. Cats aren’t as dumb as young colts. — “Mother!” Twilight Sparkle spluttered in frustration and tried not to look at the fire extinguisher. “Green Grass and I have not… We aren’t…” “Sleeping together?” inquired Velvet with a raised eyebrow. “Yes. I mean no! I mean… It was just a few times! Just sleeping!” “You should know, it only takes once.” Velvet waved the knife for emphasis. “Just ask your father, he’ll tell you. Your grandfather, Shining Sword, was so angry.” “I know, I know. You’ve told me this story a hundred times,” huffed Twilight Sparkle, scooping up a sandwich and eyeing it for any unwanted zucchini. “It was on the test twice.” “Your father and I only want what’s best for our little princess,” said Velvet softly, chopping a cucumber into nearly transparent slices. “If that young colt of yours is giving you any problems at all…” She finished her chopping with one last solid whack, before spreading the finely sliced cucumber onto some nearby bread. “Mother! He’s not my coltfriend! I assure you, I have no platonic interest in his whatsoever. I mean him whatsoever. I mean our relation is platonic! Arrgh!” Twilight Velvet paused, aligning a zucchini on the chopping block with great care. “So the two of you are being careful…” she started carefully, shaking her head and changing topics, or at least approaches. “He uses a raincoat, right?” “Well,” started Twilight Sparkle, obviously thinking of rain gear. “He has a cloak, but it gets awfully wet and soggy—” Realization cascaded in at her mother’s innocent look. “Mother! That is just so…” “Maternal?” Velvet carefully began to pulverize some watercress with a subdued sniff. “We met with his parents, I’ll have you know, and they did not strike me as able to give the child a proper education in such things. I packed along your study guide and pre-test for him, if you would like.” “Mother! Twilight Sparkle glared until her breathing calmed, listening to the welcome, familiar sound of the knife on the chopping board⁽⁴⁾. “Well. I suppose.” She giggled as a memory seemed to pop to the surface of her mind. “He’s a lousy kisser.” (4) Welcome to her, but strangely disconcerting to any young colts who happened to drop by the house, or students in her lectures. Nopony ever fell asleep in class, and test scores were remarkably good with only few exceptions. — “Direct experimental evidence or research gathered from other sources?” asked Twilight Velvet while buttering up a skillet for the minced onions. “Direct observation, although my sample size is pitifully small.” Twilight Sparkle tapped the table while looking off into the distance. “I suppose I could consult with Miss Cheerilee about names of his romantic interests while in college and submit a questionnaire to them by mail, but I’m afraid the error rate would be too large for sufficient accuracy.” “Top of the left stack,” said Velvet, pointing at two stacks of paper on the table with her knife. “Due to the short notice, I was only able to interview a dozen young mares and have not yet correlated the data in any truly scientific fashion, but my initial observation is that you have what several of his previous romantic liaisons would call ‘a Keeper,’ although there is some discrepancy among the results that may be related to social climbing among the classes⁽⁵⁾. You should be pleased that there is no real history of violence or antisocial behavior in his family other than what is normal for a barony⁽⁶⁾ of that modest size. Few mental illnesses in his family comparatively, and he seems to have a nasty streak of honesty that would disqualify him from holding political office.” Twilight Velvet dropped the shredded onions onto the sizzling pan with a hiss. “In short, I like him. Other than his abysmal grasp of Physics, he seems to be perfectly normal.” (5) For some reason, the repairs to the Advanced Thaumaturgical Lab had been given high priority, possibly in order to give the Dean something to do other than sociological impact studies among the unmarried faculty and staff. (6) The controlled violence rate among the upper social strata is comparable to lower Manehattan between the docks and the abandoned factory district, although actual fatalities are lower in Manehattan, due to a reluctance to hit quite as hard. — * * * Night Light trotted back to the bridge and looked down at the bubbles coming up from the dark waters. “Silly blighter, you’re supposed to swim when you fall in. Paddle or something. Oh, what’s the use?” A golden light appeared deep in the water as Night Light levitated the green stallion out of the river, pausing slightly to wring most of the water (and one minnow) out of him before placing him gently back on the bridge deck. “That’s twice now you’ve fallen off the bridge during our little run,” admonished the older stallion as Green Grass hacked and gasped for air. “I’m starting to think you’re jumping in instead of falling. Now come on, up to your hooves. I’ve only got another hour before we have to get to the train station, and I don’t want to waste a minute of it.” “Yes, sir,” gasped the tutor as he mustered his strength and staggered up to trot off behind Night Light, looking futilely for a steamroller to fling himself underneath to end the torture. * * * Twilight Sparkle took a bite of her sandwich and sniffed. “I don’t think I’m ready for this. How can anypony be ready for this?” Her mother gave Twilight a hug with her own sniff while a glowing spatula continued to stir the onions on the stove. “Oh, honey. None of us were ever really ready for this. You can study and read all you want, and it still just comes out of nowhere and clonks you over the head like a frying pan. Your father certainly wasn’t prepared; it took us hours to find him before the ceremony and drag him to the altar. If he had been really prepared, he would have been standing right there next to me without the hoofcuffs, or been able to find a better hiding place. I mean I wasn’t prepared to go into labor during my Doctoral dissertation either, but we got through it without having to name your brother Final Argument or Closing Statement like the professors wanted.” Twilight Sparkle was pouring tears by then, leaning into her mother’s light coat. “Oh, mom. I love you.” “I love you too, Twily.” Twilight Velvet nuzzled her daughter across the back of the neck as she would a foal, her tears pouring down like rain. “I just want you to know, your father and I are perfectly comfortable letting you make your own decision in your own time. Whoever or whatever you choose.” She pulled out a kerchief and wiped her face, then held it up to her daughter until Twilight Sparkle blew her nose. “Feeling better, dear? Would you like to sit down with me and go through my research on him?” “Yes, of course.” Twilight Sparkle wiped her teary face against her mother’s neck and sniffed. “But could you turn the fire down under the onions first? I think they’re cooking too fast.” * * * “Hi honey! I’m home!” Night Light jogged lightly into the library lobby just as wife and daughter trotted out of the kitchen. “Save me a sandwich for after the shower?” “Of course, dear.” Twilight Velvet gave her husband a peck on the cheek and swatted him on the rump as he dashed off to the bathroom. “Use soap! You know what I think of the smell of sweaty stallions.” She waited until he was in the bathroom and the water was running before whispering to her daughter with a lecherous grin, “Nothing else like it.” “Mother!” The protest was more pro forma than anything, but a quick search around showed no green stallion following her father, or even collapsed outside in his messy wagon. “Father!” she called above the noise of the shower, “What did you do with my — I mean where is Green Grass?” “Dropped him off around the middle of town. Said he was going to say hello to a friend.” Twilight had barely gotten out of the library when Rainbow Dash zipped down, pointing into town with one hoof. “Twilight, you gotta come quick! Greenie is stuck in the fountain, head first.” “Well, that’s normal.” “Yeah, but he’s not coming up for air.” * * * It was only the work of a moment to teleport to the fountain, leaving Rainbow Dash attempting to catch up for a change. The green stallion was indeed leaning face-down into the fountain with only his hind legs sticking out, and it caught him completely by surprise when the world around him vanished with the sharp crack of imploding air. Green Grass flailed in mid-air as his surrounding water was abruptly replaced by blue sky, only to descend into the loving embrace of his faithful friend, the fountain. A spluttering and coughing tutor heaved his forelegs over the edge of the fountain and glared at Twilight. “I was soaking my head.” “Sorry.” Twilight looked gloomily at her hooves and sat against the fountain edge. “I thought you were trying to drown yourself.” She looked up as a wet hoof was placed on her shoulder. “Honestly, Twilight. Do you think your father is half as bad as mine? Besides—” The hoof gave a sharp yank, and Twilight flailed briefly before falling backwards with a splash. Green Grass pulled himself out of the fountain and waited for Twilight Sparkle to break the surface before continuing, “This gives me the chance to even things up a bit. The score is currently Five to One. Would you like a boost out of the pool, young lady? There are some steps over here.” * * * Twilight Velvet and Night Light had just emerged onto the library steps when a pair of damp young ponies came galloping up the hill, Green Grass in the lead but closely followed by a shouting Twilight Sparkle, waving a wet towel in her magical field. “Come back here you little creep!” They vanished around the back of the library, still shouting while Twilight Velvet leaned into her husband with a sigh. “I didn’t have the heart to tell her, dear.” “Don’t worry,” he replied, patting her gently. “She’s such a shy and retiring young lady—” a sharp whip-crack of a wet towel being snapped against a green rump, complete with agonized howl echoed around the library tree “—just like her mother. I’m certain she’ll figure it out on her own. Shall we be off to the train station, my dear? I left plenty of time in our schedule to stroll slowly through the town, as not to strain your delicate physique. I’m certain our little Twily will catch up to us before the train leaves. I got us a sleeper car to Fillydelphia.” He waggled his mismatched eyebrows and grinned. “Oh, you charmer. Behave.” She swatted him gently on the rump as they began their journey to the train station while behind them the cheerful sounds of two young ponies at play continued to echo through the trees. “Do you think we could pick up a jar of pickles on our way to the train station, dear?” “Anything for you, my love.”