//------------------------------// // Probable Parables // Story: Wild Card // by Barrel-of-fun //------------------------------// During my time so far in Equestria I had been enslaved, pitted against a raging minotaur, caused a slave rebellion, nearly been eaten, beaten up, punched a princess, robbed a company, broke into the same princess’ chambers, been beaten up some more and had just recently set fire to a pirate ship. I had been in some pretty adrenaline pumped situations, often barely surviving by the skin of my teeth. Throughout all this, however, my heart had managed not to leap out of my chest in excitement, which surprised me somewhat. However, it was now at the risk of escaping the confines of my ribcage at what I was witnessing. Summer Storm was hugging her father and they were both crying in joy. Family reunions, they get me every time. Every freakin’ time. “Are you crying?” Iron asked. “No! Just got some...erm...smoke in my eyes. Yeah, that’s it.” I replied nervously, quickly wiping my eyes clean. “Don’t be ashamed of it Ace. There is no shame in crying at something beautiful.” He said. I looked up at the huge minotaur to see manly tears flowing freely down his face. Even the most stone-hearted bastard would have to admit that the scene before us was heart warming. The moment Summer had noticed the stallion perched upon my back she had rushed over at a speed the would have put me to shame on my best day. Swift quickly found himself wrapped up in his daughters magical aura, which supported him as he embraced her. Summer returned the embrace with barely contained joy, apologies spewing out of her mouth as tears fell down her muzzle. As quickly as she could apologize, Swift was forgiving her, telling her it wasn’t her fault and that the last thing he wanted for his only daughter was her to be stuck at home guarding some old stallion. Eventually, Summer managed to pull away from the hug slightly to look her father in the eye, “C’mon dad, let’s get you to a hospital,” she announced. “No way,” The old stallion responded, “I ain’t letting those quacks and sawbones get anywhere near me. I’ll heal just fine the natural way, maybe with a bit of added alcohol to help Mother Nature along.” Summer, it seemed, was having none of this. She affixed Swift with a glare that, had he been a lesser stallion, would have shot straight through him and pinned him to a wall. A trained military sniper would let out a single tear at beholding the sheer singular killing power of her glare. It could probably kill a man from miles away. “Dad,” She began, her tone sending a shiver down my spine, “You will be going to the hospital. You are going to let the doctors help you. You are going to get better. Then you are going to thank the doctors for their hard work. What do you say to that?” Swift struggled under her gaze, valiantly trying to bolster his mental defences. Alas, it was in vain. “Aye.” He said, rather reluctantly. “And you’re not going to look at any of the nurse’s flanks, no matter how cute they are.” “Well why don’tcha just kill me now then!?” Swift cried out, apparently feeling that his civil rights were being infringed upon now. “Dad, what would Mother say?” Summer replied, giving him a patient and condescending look. “That I should only have eyes for her flank.” The admonished stallion admitted, looking down like a guilty schoolchild. Are all families like this? Families are weird. “That’s right. Now then, let’s get you to a hospital. Iron, would you be able to help out over here?” Summer called, prompting the minotaur into movement. As soon as Iron reached Swift, who was still supported by Summer’s magical field, he knelt down and spoke politely to his charge, “Sir, if you don’t mind?” he said, indicating with his arms. Swift looked the huge minotaur up and down, his eyes assessing and judging every inch of Iron, seeming to stare into his very soul. “Alright,” he finally relented, “But, and I know this might be asking a bit much of a big meathead like yourself, try not to drop me.” Iron winced at the insult before gently lifting the old stallion into the air, doing his best not to jostle his burden at all. If I didn’t know any better I’d say Iron was trying to impress Summer’s dad, which is ridiculous really. Why would Iron Will need to impress anyone? He’s a huge badass minotaur warrior, people are impressed just by his sheer presence. With Swift secure in Iron’s arms, and still slightly supported by Summer to ensure a smooth ride, we set off towards what Summer assured us was the nearest hospital. It was a relatively peaceful journey, save for Swift Storm’s constant commentary on the moral decline of youths nowadays. I couldn’t help but agree with him on that point. I mean, look at me, I’m fairly young and I have next to no morals. “So my dear, that’s enough about me. How’ve you been?” Swift suddenly addressing Summer. The mare seemed to be more than a bit shocked by this sudden questioning, judging solely from her response of “Erm...well...you see...” “She was captured by Diamond dogs.” I interrupted, earning a shocked glare from Summer for seemingly betraying her. “Yeah, cowardly dogs ambushed her whilst on patrol apparently. That’s where we all met up. The moment Summer was thrown in the cage with us she began to rally the other slaves. Made this big inspirational speech - you should have been there, it was brilliant - which turned a bunch of broken spirited old slaves into a raging force of glorious revolution. Those dogs aren't so tough against a bit of good old-fashioned righteous fury.” Summer’s eyes began to widen as I carried on bending the truth, the size of her pupils matching the growing grin on Swift’s face. “Anyways, after she single-hoofedly beat the Diamond dog alpha Redtooth and saved us all from the mines, Iron and I decided to accompany her. You know, blood-debt and all that.” “That’s me girl!” Swift shouted happily once I’d finished. “It takes more than a couple of hundred Diamond dogs to keep a Storm out of the action.” Okay, now he was just adding his own embellishments, I never mentioned hundreds of Diamond dogs. Still, I guess a liar’s job is even easier when the target keeps lying to themselves. “Yes...yes I guess it does.” Summer said, rubbing her neck nervously with a forehoof. Aw, is the little mare not used to lying? Stick around, I’ve got a lot to show you. Swift began to demand details of the events that had transpired, details I was more than willing to give. Some of them I merely embellished upon, others I outright made up on the spot. It didn’t really matter though, the truth tends to be quite malleable, especially in the minds of those that wanted to believe it. If Swift wanted to believe that his beloved daughter shocked, bucked and threatened her way through entire legions of evil Diamond dogs then more power to him really. “...And then she, in an act of bravery that I shall never forget and still inspires me to this day, charged the insane, mutated Redtooth and stabbed him right in the gut with her horn. She then shot enough magic into him to make Princess Celestia herself say “Damn girl, overkill much?” before lobbing some lit dynamite into his chest cavity and blasting him back to Tartarus. And that is how Summer defeated Redtooth and permanently banished his demon allies from this world.” “You're quite the storyteller boy.”  Swift said, still smiling over the visions of his heroic daughter that I had pumped into his head. “Ah, I simply tell the tale. It is ponies like your daughter who truly go out and make them. I am but the bard, she is the real hero.” “Aye and damn proud of her I am as well!” Swift shouted, switching back to his loud and boisterous voice, causing summer to blush either at his compliment or in embarrassment at the stares he was attracting from other ponies. Iron, strangely enough, hadn’t said a single thing during this entire adventure, as though he was scared to bring Swift’s judgement down upon him. Another ridiculous idea, as though Iron could be afraid of anything. Regardless of Iron’s reservedness, we reached the hospital in good time. To be honest though, I’m not sure why we were in such a hurry, Swift had been surviving perfectly well with broken limbs for quite a while now. Hell, it didn’t even seem to be effecting his good cheer at all. Of course, it would take a man much braver than myself to point this out to Summer. Finding care for Swift was surprisingly easy, we didn’t even have to fill out a ton of forms just to get past their reception. This may have been because of the extent of his injuries, or it may have had something to do with the glare that Summer had fixed the nearest doctor with upon entering the hospital. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, Summer can have one hell of a glare when she needs it. It wasn’t long before we found ourselves standing around in an eerily white room, watching as a nurse busied herself hooking him up to a variety of machines the purpose of which I could only guess. They could cause time travel for all I know. Swift shuffled around in his bed, getting comfortable under the covers before addressing us, “That was quite the tale you told on the way over, it’s only fair that I return the favour. This is a tale from my younger years, before I was charmed by your mother Summer.” The two shared a chuckle at what was clearly an in-joke, whilst Iron and I just shared a glance. “This be the tale of Ol’ Rustjaw, the monster serpent of the deeps.” “Oh dad, not this old tale again.” “Quiet deary, these fine young lads haven’t heard it yet. Wait, before I start, in all the excitement I don’t believe I got your names. Well, what’re ya called?” Since Iron seemed to be so hesitant in talking at the moment I decided to go first, “I’m Ace, professional magician, and this is Iron Will, an ex-monster hunter and ex-personal trainer.” “Iron Will, Iron Will...I’m sure I’ve heard that name before.” Swift mulled it over for a moment, humming in thought, “I know! You’re the monster hunter that took down that kraken out near Baltimare aren’t you?” “Erm...aye, I guess.” Iron said nervously. “It was just a giant squid really, not much hassle.” “Nonsense! My buddy High Tide told me that you pretty much saved the entire shipping lane. Hundreds of ships can now sail free thanks to you, we sailors remember those who have helped us you know. Now you’ve helped to save me as well from those damned pirates, you’re alright in my books boy.” Iron grinned at this and some of his confidence seemed to return to him. His posture went from slouched to standing straight up, his horns almost scraping against the ceiling. “Now then, pull up a chair, ‘cus I’ve got quite the tale to tell.” Swift said and we obliged, grabbing some seats from over in the corner and positioning them around his bed. “Like I said, it was way back when I was a much younger, and much more foolhardy, stallion. I had just saved up enough to get my own boat, a tiny little thing, and was eager to prove myself to the world...” The young pegasus eagerly tugged at the knot that held his boat prison on the pier, desperate to get out into the sea, to experience the joy of sailing his own boat for the first time. The knot, however, didn’t seem to share his enthusiasm and stubbornly refused to come undone. Shrugging, the youngster grabbed a knife in his mouth and began to say away at the line, refusing to let anything impede his sailing. “Oy kid!” A voice suddenly called out to him. “You realise that you’re wasting perfectly good rope doing that.” Ceasing his sawing at the rope, he looked around to identify the voice. Up on the bear, a grizzled old earth pony looked back at him. The younger pony stared at the older for a second before shrugging and going back to sawing at the rope. “What’s your name kid?” Letting out a sigh, the young stallion dropped his knife to address his persistent conversationalist, “It’s Swift Storm. Why do you want to know?” “Ah, I was just wondering the name of the brave young fool who goes around ignoring good advice. So, what’ll you be doing today young master Storm, that requires such intense dedication to wastefulness?” “It’s my first day sailing my own boat,” Swift replied, consigned to having to answer this needling old coot’s questions, “though I don’t really see what business it is of yours.” “Oh aye, not really any of my business. But then, when you get to my age, you’ve earned the right to be a nosy old blighter every so often. May I ask what route you plan to valiantly traverse on your ship’s maiden voyage?” Swift took a look at his vessel. With it’s single sail, tiny cargo area and complete lack of intricate sailing mechanisms, it seemed to be a rather lackluster craft, but it was his, his own boat, and nopony could take that away from him. It may not be big enough to be called a ship, but as a boat it was all he needed in the world. “I’m taking her out and running the Riftwater Race route. I’m going to beat the course time and then, when the actual race comes around, I’m going to win it.” The older stallion chuckled at this, “Well you certainly don’t lack for confidence I’ll give you that.” He began before his tone, which had been fairly light and mocking so far, suddenly turned serious. “I wouldn’t recommend the Riftwater route though, there is a good reason that they only run that race at certain times of the year you know.” “And why exactly would that be?” Swift shot back, letting his tone getting a bit snarky with the annoying stallion. “Well, because of Rustjaw of course. He likes to migrate to the Riftwater route this time of year, something to do with how warm the water is.” The stallion suddenly paused and peered down closely at the pony in the boat. “You do know what Rustjaw is don’tcha? You might be a bit young now that I think about it.” “Nonsense! Of course I know what Rustjaw is! I’m older than I look you know.” The stallion appeared to mull over this response, his sharp gaze piercing right through Swift Stom. “Now don’t lie to me boy, how old are you really?” “Fifteen.” Swift muttered. “Ah, far too young to be sailing all on your lonesome. Where’d you get that boat anyways?” “I bought it myself!” Swift spat back. “I’ve been working on ships since I was ten. Saved up all the money I earned as well. I’ve worked hard for this and I don’t need you, or any other old fool, accusing me of theft or trying to stop me with their mad warnings of monsters and demons!” “Alright, alright, calm yourself there kid, I ain’t going to stop you. I’m just saying, Rustjaw ain’t one you want to go tangling with, especially not on your first voyage. His breath is magical, and can be used to turn anything to metal. If he gets near your boat then all it takes is a small exhale and you’re done for. Your boat sinks and Rustjaw has himself a snack. He eats rusty metal you see, can’t get enough of the stuff. Not only that, but he’s got some freaky fish senses or something. He can hear boats moving around in the water, and the hoofsteps of the sailors upon their decks.” The elderly stallion paused for a moment to let his warning sink in. “Aye, Rustjaw’s been a bane on ships around her for decades now, and I’d prefer it if a hot-headed young colt like yourself didn’t end up as his dinner. After all, Rustjaw’s breath doesn’t just turn ships to metal, he’s been known to chow down on rusty pony statues as well.” Swift felt like snorting in derision at the old coot’s mad tale. A monster that can turn things into metal and eats rust? That’s completely ridiculous. He refrained from voicing his contempt though, just in case the clearly deranged stallion tried to draw him into another conversation. “Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Swift said, trying his hardest to remain polite. “See that you do.” Was all the stallion replied with before trundling off to go about his business. After the old pony had departed, Swift looked down at the knife at his hooves before knocking it aside and going back to undoing the knot with his teeth. If there was one good piece of advice that the old pony had given it was that it wasn’t good to be wasteful, especially considering Swift’s current financial problems. The boat had cost him damn near everything he had, to the point that he was currently surviving on old bread and hope. Winning the race would change all that though, although he would have to practice if he wanted even the slimmest chance of winning. Swift quickly got the knot undone and finished the rest of his checks, making sure that the boat was in tip-top condition before setting off into the open sea. As he left the bay area, gleefully overtaking the ponderously slow cargo ships that clogged the area, he blessed his luck. The sea was nice and calm, the sun was shining and the wind was on his side, filling the sails and pushing the little craft merrily onwards. Other ships faded out of sight as Swift’s little craft sped onwards, following the course for the Riftwater Race. Pretty soon he found himself alone on the wide expanse of the sea, even the coastline disappearing as Swift guided his craft even further out to sea. The young pegasus couldn’t be more pleased with his progress; first time out and he was already beating the best time for the race by a wide margin. At this rate he would be able to set a new record by the time the race came around. Gleefully, Swift began to dance around on the deck of his small craft, celebrating his certain victory in the coming race. His hooves clattered around the deck as his thoughts turned to images of riches and fame. We all stared at the hospitalized Swift Storm in disbelief, even Summer who apparently couldn’t even imagine her father dancing. I had to admit, I was having trouble picturing it myself. Storm merely chuckled at our expressions. “Don’t let these broken legs fool you,” He said with a smile, “I was quite the dancer back in my day. How do you think I managed to woo a beauty like Summer’s mother? Anyways, where was I?” As Swift continued to dance with glee upon the deck of his boat, he began to whistle out a tune, an old sea shanty that he had grown up hearing everywhere. His hooves subconsciously began to beat on the deck to follow the tune. His pre-emptive celebrations were cut short as the boat rocked suddenly, almost spilling Swift into the sea. Luckily, the pegasus managed to use his wings to balance himself before he was plunged overboard. He quickly checked on other parts of the ship, searching for anything that could have caused the sudden rocking. The wind was still gentle, no storms had appeared to buffet him with gales, everything on the ship seemed to be in perfect condition and the sea... The sea was rippling. To be specific, the sea was rippling outwards in perfect circles from his boat, as though his boat was somehow vibrating the water. Well, either his boat or something under his boat. Swift slowly approached the railing and leaned over to stare into the brilliant blue water, which did naught but reflect his own face back at him. Just as he was about to dismiss the rocking as some random event and carry on with his journey, it happened. One minute, Swift and his boat were peacefully sailing across the ocean, the boat very much bound in the water. The next, Swift found himself clinging desperately to his boat’s mast as it was rocketed into the air. The ambitious sailor began to pray to every god he could name, certain that at any moment his boat would plummet from the great height to clam into the merciless sea and be destroyed, and him with it. The moment never came. Swift looked around at the clouds that now surrounded him, wondering what in Tartarus just happened. Slowly, he crept over to the railing and looked down, almost flinging himself back the moment he did so. The beautiful, calm sea that he had looked into not moments ago had been replaced by a gigantic, scaley head, each scale shining with a dull blue hue. If beholding the skin of the giant sea creature nearly knocked Swift back, the smell that came off it nearly knocked him out. Somehow, his curiosity overcame his disgust and he slowly reached out with one hoof, running it along the nearest of the gigantic scales. The moment his hoof came into contact with the scale, a shuddering went through him as his entire boat was shaken. Swift fell back into his precious boat, once again wrapping his hooves around the trusty mast as his craft was violently thrown through the air. Amazingly, the boat, rather than slamming into the water and capsizing, skimmed along the water with a few merry skips before coming to a gentle stop, spinning around a few times before ending up facing away from the beast that had tossed it. A very dizzy Swift Storm released the mast, collapsing to the floor and trying to keep his lunch from escaping. Shakily, he stood up and turned to face the monster that was peering curiously at his boat. It appeared to be a huge serpent, the dull blue scales covering its entire body, save it’s underside which looked grey and fleshy. Around its neck there appeared to be a mane, the sort that most commonly sported by lions rather than ponies, except instead of hairs, the mane appeared to be made completely out of feelers that wiggled around in the air. Swift got a disturbing good view of these as the monster, presumably the famous Rustjaw, leaned in to inspect the morsel that would serve as his dinner. For a moment, stallion and monster stared directly at each other, both curious about the other. It was Rustjaw who broke the standoff first when he opened his colossal jaws and began to inhale, the force of his inhalation dragging the tiny boat towards him. Swift, breaking out of his daze, remembered what the old stallion on the pier had told him about Rustjaw’s breath weapon. Quicker than he had ever moved before, he galloped over to a nearby rope and grasped it, pulling as hard as he could on it. The sail began to move, pulling the ship with it as the artificial wind from Rustjaw’s inhalation forced it into movement. Swift stared grimly at the beast that was to be his doom, horror and fascination welling within him. Tying off the rope, he ran over and slammed his forehooves into the rudder, turning the ship away from running into Rustjaw’s main body. The plucky little ship, driven on both by Rustjaw’s inhalation and Swift’s determination to escape, shot around the body of the huge snake. Rustjaw, seeing his prey escaping, released his breath towards the ship, desperate to catch it within the magical attack. The ship, however, was far too quick and had already escaped the range of the giant serpent. Looking back, Swift saw the huge creature roar in rage, it’s entire body shaking in the water. The feelers that framed its face seemed particularly animated, each one moving about in a wave of motion. Turning back to his ship, Swift thanked his lucky stars for his escape and focused on getting back to the safety of dry land. “...And then, after that, I went and found the old stallion and bought him a drink to apologize for my earlier rudeness, making damn sure to listen to every single piece of advice he gave me.” Swift told us. “Then I went on to win the Riftwater Race and many more like it, till I became the famous stallion you see before you today.” Summer smiled warmly at her father as he finished recounting the familiar tale, whilst Iron looked suitably awed. Personally, I’m going to take everything Swift just said with a grain of salt. For all I know, it could have just been a parable about the importance of listening to your elders, at which point I think the distinctly old Swift Storm may have a slight bias. “Anyways, you should be off before the nurses come and kick you out. They really don’t like folks staying past visiting hours.” Swift continued, “Feel free to stay at my house, or whatever’s left of it. Try not to bust up the old place anymore than it already is, I’d prefer to have a house to come back to once I’m done with my internment here.” He finished with a chuckle. “Alright Daddy, we’ll see you soon.” Summer said stepping forward and throwing her arms around the old stallion. “I love you.” Swift chuckled, his face going a bit red at this open show of emotion in front of two strangers. Evidently though, he decided that love triumphs social awkwardness and hugged her back. “I love you too pumpkin.” He whispered to her. Waving our goodbyes, we shuffled out of the room and left the hospital, heading over to Swift’s house. For some reason the tale he had told us kept running through my mind. I wonder if there are actually giant sea serpents out there, hidden in the depths. There are so many wondrous and monstrous things in this world, and often they are the same thing. I’ve barely managed to see a fraction of it so far. I took a deep breath, letting the refreshing sea air flow through me. There is so much more to see, so much more to do. I want to experience as much of this wonderful, insane world as I can, monsters and all.