Trixie was bored. Sitting at her desk and shuffling cards, she gave a melodramatic sigh. Until Pokey finished with that fifty page analysis report on something or other (emergency something or other) so she could sign the thing she really didn't have that much to do. She'd already made herself a rather good pickle, sauerkraut, and strawberry jelly sandwich, read her mail (all junk), and counted to one hundred in three different languages. Despite this, um, productive day Pokey was still going through those forms. Well, maybe she should work some more on her excuse for not attending the GGG this year. It was a notoriously stuffy affair that she didn't enjoy, and quite frankly she could think of nothing that would make her want to go. And what's worse, Blueblood was always trying to get her to go with him, probably just as a way to get close to Luna. "The day I go to the Gala with him is the day I marry Corona." she thought, bemused by the stupid image of Corona dressed up as a blushing bride while Trixie wore her...usual Gala get up. But then the image passed and she was bored again.
With another dramatic sigh, Trixie looked out her window...frame at the beautiful weather outside. Such weather was distracting enough when only observed, but to feel the warm breeze, hear the singing birds, and smell the fresh flowers (No, bad tummy! She just ate and was not going to snack and get fat!) was infinitely more distracting. Normally her window would already have been placed, but the odd explosion from yesterday had destroyed a couple hundred other windows. The town had needed to dip a bit into its emergency fund (right, that's what Pokey was working on) to cover the damages, but it wasn't that expensive and the town had plenty of funds for something minor like this.
That's when Trixie's razor sharp senses picked up on something unusual. There was a mare wearing a cloak, a head scarf, sunglasses, and a wide brimmed sun hat sneaking her way through shadowy corners towards the Residency. To somepony with Trixie's understating of politics, social norms, and keen deductive intellect, it was obvious that somepony was trying to sneak into the Residency...and that they were probably a spy out to get dirt on her to use as leverage. Well, at least Trixie wasn't bored now. "Hey Pokey, I'm going to go catch the worst spy we've gotten this month, probably in an amusing way. Want to come watch?"
Pokey looked up and considered this. "Nah, the last spy was hilarious enough, and I really need to finish this so you can finish it. But if you're going out, could you bring me back a snack? Maybe a muffin?" he noted, getting back to the stack of papers in front of him.
"Nah, not going that far this time; she's basically right outside. Won't be able to run any errands this time. Which reminds me." she telekinetically floated a note pad over to herself and wrote down Milk, One Gallon, ask for Maybell's on her shopping list. She wasn't sure why, but Maybell's milk had a certain sweetness to it that she'd found enjoyable. Maybe it was her diet? Right, back on track, she had a (rather pathetic) Nigh Court spy to catch. After turning invisible she went downstairs, and found the spy moving in through the back door. The back door only Pokey, her friends, the town council, and herself had the key to. Either this spy had managed to swipe a key, was one of the fastest lock picks ever, one of the town council who'd sold out to the Night Court, or most likely, judging by the familiar tail, this was a case of mistaken identity. "Carrot Top, what are you doing?"
Trixie hadn't expected as strong a reaction as she got. At the sound of her voice Carrot Top had jumped, spun around in confusion trying to find her, and walking backwards into a wall. "Trixie, is that you?" she asked, glancing around in a near panic.
"No, it's your other unicorn friend that can turn invisible who lives and works here." Trixie deadpanned, dropping her invisibility as she brought hoof to forehead. "Look, that's not the point. Why were you sneaking around dressed like that? I thought you were the worst spy ever. Not that I think you're a spy now, it's just that sneaking around dressed like that what should I think and please don't let this turn out bad like with Raindrops I do not want to have to do that spell again and I'm rambling right now. Back on topic. You. Disguise. Why?" she finished by forcefully brandishing her hoof at her friend.
Carrot Top looked nervously around. "Um, I kinda need to talk to you in private. Very private. Like seriously personal private." she admitted, looking very sheepish, nervous, and was that blushing?
Trixie suddenly had an idea what this conversation would be about. A very interesting idea what it would be about. "No no no, my possibly best friend is not confessing, I mean how do you respond to, I don't even swing that, I like stallions! Okay Trixie, no need to panic. Send Pokey out to do the shopping, hear her out, turn her down gently, hope she doesn't hate you...and really really hope this doesn't screw up the Elements and then Corona wipes us all out because you're hetero. Right, just remember don't panic." Having resolved this internal crisis, Trixie calmly dashed up the stairs, ran around in a circle hyperventilating for a few seconds, and then levitated a bag of bits and the shopping list into Pokey's face, sticking both onto his horn. "Here. Bits, shop. Meeting, private, not spy. Go!" she emphasized the last point by literally throwing Pokey out of her office, face first. See? She'd handled that in a perfectly calm manner.
Carrot Top slinked into the office, a look of mild shock on her face. "Well I've never seen anypony literally thrown out of an office before. Anyway, Trixie, I need to ask you something very personal, and I don't want you telling anypony, except maybe Ditzy she already knows."
"Ooookaaaay." Trixie said, growing a bit more confused. "You went to Ditzy for relationship advice? I mean she's a great friend and all but the mare admitted to being terrible when it comes to this stuff and she never makes the right picks...I think I just insulted myself."
"Alright then, the thing is," CT explained removing her sun hat, cloak hood, and head scarf "I was kinda hoping you could fix this maybe?" she asked, showing her completely bald head (the doctors had needed to cut off the last two matter clumps in order to do stitches) to her friend, hoping against hope that her friend wouldn't laugh.
Trixie burst out into relieved laughter for a good ten seconds before she calmed down long enough to talk. "Oh thank goodness, you're just bald. I thought you were confessing your feelings for me or something!" she explained through small bursts of mirth.
Carrot Top on hearing this quietly put away the letter opener, why she had been grabbing it she wasn't sure, and stared at Trixie. "Ummm, no offense, but you do know I like stallions right?" She chuckled a little. Maybe it was a little funny.
"I do too! That's why I was so nervous; I had no idea how to turn you down gently. I never actually liked anypony that I've turned down before so I never learned how to do it nicely!" Trixie explained, still laughing in relief. "I was actually worried for a bit that our friendship would be ruined, the Elements wouldn't work anymore, and then Corona would win, and all because I don't swing that way!"
Okay, CT had to admit that it was kind of funny hearing what Trixie was thinking that whole time. "Maybe we could have gotten some 'equal opportunity' bourbon to sort it out?"
"Hahaha, yeah. Thank the Moon you're not in love with me, just bald." The two of them immediately stop laughing at this. "Wait, why are you bald?"
Carrot sighed. "It's a bit of a long story. See, it all started when Rainbow Dash came to my house two days ago..."
By the time Carrot Top's story was finished, Trixie had decided that she would never get within ten feet of a badger. "So wait, that was you screaming yesterday? You know that startled a demolitions pony enough that he set off his blast charges early? Didn't wreck the building, it just turned the metal skeleton into a tuning fork. Nopony got hurt, but it wrecked like half the windows in town. And apparently I'm low priority because 'it'll just break again' I mean what do they know it could stay this time you know! Ummm, anyways the town's paying for the windows, and then the demolition company is paying back the town. You're technically involved, but I'll either have Pokey find a loophole, or just list the scream as an 'unknown source'." she finished with her hooves doing air quotes. "So, you came here hoping I had a spell to cure baldness, or at least make your hair grow back faster. Well, I do recall reading about a hair growth spell..."
Before the unicorn could finish, the farm pony had her lifted off the ground into a crushing hug. "Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! I run a small farm, I don't have any fancy clothes or furniture or jewelry or makeup or anything! My mane's basically the nicest thing I own! Thank you thank you thank you so much! You have no idea how much this means to me!"
"That's...nice...need....to........breath.......to......find.......spell....." Trixie explained, having turned bluer....okay now slightly purple.
Carrot Top, embarrassed, let go of Trixie in a flash. "Sorry, it's just that the doctors said it would take a few months to grow back in, and I'm way too young and single to be bald."
Trixie, picking herself up off the floor, trotted over to the bookcase where she kept the books she had…rescued from Twilight’s wagon, dusting them off. She should probably look at these more often. Or get Pokey to dust more often. “Huh. I didn’t know you were worried about that. You’ve got your eye on somepony then?”
Carrot Top frowned at that. “Um, no not really I’ve been a bit too busy. It’s more the principle of the thing you know?” she asked, looking around and absently pawing the ground a little. “Soooo, what about you? Got your eyes on any stallions?” she said, hoping to change the subject.
Trixie stopped rummaging through the collection as she thought about it. “Um, no not really. I haven’t really given it any thought really. It just sort of never came up in my life really.” The two looked around awkwardly for a few moments, pointedly not meeting each other’s gaze. “Well enough about our mutual lack of social lives. Back to the magic and aha! Here we go! I think.” she announced in triumph, levitating out a rather plain looking brown book. “Let’s see, transmuting rocks into hats, what pony would ever do something that risky? Making leaves into cloths? Getting reeds to play lullabies? What is this, the least practical spell book ever?” the showmare asked. Flipping it over, she read out the title. “Fifty Spells You Never Knew Existed: A Collection of Oddballs and Eccentricities…ahh.” Flipping back through the book, Trixie cracked a huge smile. “Found it! Okay, ready to try this out?”
“Um, I guess so.” CT said hesitantly. On the one hoof, she was going to let Trixie test out brand new magic on her (if she wound up a naked bear Trixie was so dead). On the other hoof, it was a chance to get her hair back. Weighing the risk of becoming a bear possibly forever against being bald for a couple months, she chose the obvious, logical choice. “Oh buck it, let’s do this!”
“I guess that’s the spirit.” Trixie stated, a bit surprised by the intensity in Carrot Top’s voice. Apparently Trixie had greatly underestimated how much the farmer’s mane had meant to her. “Right then, hold still. I need to focus, I’ve never done this before.” Closing her eyes in concentration, Trixie felt out the spell as detailed in the book. She hated learning spells from a book; it killed the details for her. Still, she channeled the energy through her horn in the prescribed pulses, strobes, and frequencies in the right amounts in the right sequence and blah blah blah ugh this is why books are so boring. They take something as wonderful as magic and make it sound so dull, like assembling a bookshelf (and no matter what Pokey said those were clearly extra screws). After feeling the magic surge, she opened her eyes…and her jaw dropped. If this were a foal’s comic book, her jaw would have been on the floor. But since this was real life, the amazed unicorn mage apprentice of the Moon Maiden was simply sitting there stunned. “Um, right well…okay I can fix this.”
“Fix what? I’m not a bear am I?” Carrot Top asked in a panic.
“Why does everypony say? It wasn’t even a bear! And no you’re not, just…don’t look in a mirror.” Trixie explained, flipping through the book quickly to figure out how to fix this.
Carrot Top then felt…something on her face. In a panic she did what anypony does in this situation: ignore the advice and immediately seek out a mirror. Having found one in the bathroom, she stopped and stared. “Trixie.”
“Yeeeeeessss?” Trixie squirmed, drawing out the word like a little filly that knows she’s been caught levitating a cookie out of the cookie jar.
“Is this what I think it is?”
“Well, that would depend on what you think it is. I mean if you think it’s a duck it clearly isn’t that nor is it an apple, a frog, some hay, a manticore”
“TRIXIE! I HAVE A MOUSTACHE! AND A BEARD!” she screamed in a voice that would do royalty proud. Indeed as she left the bathroom to confront Trixie, her facial hair was quite nicely on display. Her beard was long, silken and curly as if her mane had been transferred to the bottom half of her face. Her moustache was well groomed and long, and ended in a double inward spiral curl at either end. “I look like a circus ringmaster! What. Did. You. Do. Wrong?”
“Nothing nothing, see? Apparently the spell is supposed to do this.” Trixie explained, holding up the spell entitled Repairing a Gentlecolt’s Shame: Making Hair Be There. “I thought it was for curing stallion pattern baldness or something! Why are guys obsessed with moustaches?” Seeing her friend glowering, she quickly went back to it. “Look, I can fix this, just give me a minute. Aha! Okay, I can undo this now.” A quick concentration and a flash of light later, and the farmer was restored. “Alright, now that that’s fixed, let’s work on figuring this out. Now then, I don’t recall seeing any other spells about hair, but if I use this one as a base and work from there…”
“You know what, just forget it.” Carrot Top said, fury evident in her voice. “That sounds like a lot of work and as we both know from the number of times you’ve had me, Pokey, or somepony else do your work, you are waaaaay to lazy to do that sort of work. So no, I think I’ll just wait for it to grow back in. I mean, why should I expect anypony to pay me back the ONE time I ask somepony else for a favor!” she shouted to the room in general. Furious, she exited the room in a rush, slamming the door behind herself, leaving a stunned Trixie behind.
***********************************************
Carrot Top marched down the main street of Ponyville, an angry drum beat sounding in time with her determined steps as she glared about her. Some low horns started to accompany her as she started to sing.
I always felt like helping everypony
So I toiled and I worked.
Now I realize they were all phony,
They didn’t smile they smirked.
Everypony took advantage of me,
I went to help without a thought.
I did every favor for free,
And look at what I got.
Upset, she marches by a pony who’s cart is stuck in a mud puddle, ignoring the driver as she desperately tries to get any of the ponies walking by to help her, but nopony stops. A deep cello and bass duet join the unhappy melody.
Oh you shouldn’t help for the reward
Is what I always said.
So they pleaded and implored,
Planned to use me till I’m dead.
Well that’s it I’m through I’m done!
Now to look out for number one!
During this declaration she wasn’t watching where she was going, and so didn’t notice when she bumped over a ladder, leaving a painter pony dangling from the second floor window of the house he was painting. Carrot Top didn’t seem to notice or care as she continued to move on.
No more Miss Nice Mare all smiles,
No more “Please let me help you with all that.”
No more doing all their work whiles
They lay around so lazy and fat!
Well that’s it I’m through I’m done!
Now to look out for number one!
She barreled right through the heart of the farmers market, shoving ponies out of her way as she headed home. A few looked at her a bit angry, but changed their tune when they saw her glare and decided that maybe they wouldn’t complain after all. Her own tune changed as well, becoming faster and more energetic.
I’ve pulled my own weight all my life,
And it seems I’ve done it for others too.
I always carried everypony’s toil and strife,
Well that’s it, I’d one I’m through!
No more favors to the neighbors,
No more doing Trixie’s work.
No more fixing things for strangers,
Or helping Rainbow, that selfish jerk!
Having reached her home, she proceeded to take the garden hose and stick it down the badger hole, and turn on the water. Soon the den was flooded and the mother was carrying her young out and to safety, but not before taking a moment to shake her paw and bark a few times at the smug looking pony that had obviously done this.
Well that’s it I’m through I’m done!
Now to look out for number one!
Yes that’s it I’ve decided!
I’m through I’m done!
Now to look out…
Foooooorrr
Nuuuuumbeeeeer
Oooooooone!
And with that, she slammed her cottage door closed.