//------------------------------// // Who I Am Will Not Change // Story: False Memory // by TypewriterError //------------------------------// I wake to nothing. I don’t know how long I have been asleep but I wake wanting more rest even though I feel like I’ve slept for days or weeks. Then again...it’s not rest I want, not normal sleep; I want to be free of dreams. I’m scared because I know when I fall asleep again I will dream. I’m scared that what I trust will turn into what I hate. I hate sleeping with the help of drugs...but they block my dreams. The note in my room will be gone if I ever go back to my room. They’ll find it and take it. It may have never even existed. The male nurse who strapped me down, he felt real enough. I stare at the ceiling above me and think of the faces I've seen here. What events led to them being brought here? Mel, so shut up inside herself, hiding something. Thalia, Charlotte...the other patients. I look down at my left shoulder. It still groans and strains against the movement of my stitches. I laugh to myself as my eyes grow wet again. I almost let myself die. Stupid Celestia, you nearly let yourself die. What right have you to call yourself a Princess? You couldn’t fight Chrysalis, you couldn’t defeat Discord by yourself, you can’t wield the elements of Harmony, and you can’t even... I swallow. That thought. That is it. That is what has been bothering me. I hate these straps. I want to curl up, shield myself from any thought, aggravate my stitches and avoid it... I couldn’t save Luna. My bitterness chokes me. I couldn’t save her from Discord. I couldn’t save my own sister. Anything I said to convince her fell on unwilling ears. Of course...I noticed too late. No, that isn’t true. I noticed with plenty of time to change things. She and I were meant to rule together. I wanted to challenge that. I thought I could have everything: the sun, the moon, the praise, Equestria. Discord took away the one thing I thought I could take for granted...and I helped him. I thought...I thought I could deal with it later. But, I couldn’t stop it. I couldn’t save my sister. I’m never going to see her again. She can’t forgive me even if she wanted to. I strain against the straps that hold me down. I don’t normally sleep like this. Maybe being strapped to the table this way will help me stay awake. At least someone covered me with a blanket to keep me warm. Ok, I am having trouble concentrating. How did I get from my sister to my blanket? I laugh and I don’t know why. But, it feels good to laugh at myself. Where was I again? I stare at where the ceiling meets the wall. I keep trying to recall what I was thinking of just moments ago. The harder I chase after my mind the farther it seems to run from me. I sigh. Of course now I’ll be bothered by a constant nagging feeling until I figure out where my train of thought was. Is this part of being human? Even my thoughts seem to be irritating to me. They just ramble on in wild directions. I want to tell myself to shut up, but this is my own mind and I’m the only one in the room. Saying “shut up” out loud might earn me a few extra weeks in here. Stupid. What did I think letting myself bleed to death would accomplish? If I’m so scared of drowning, why have my last few brushes with death involved me no longer breathing? Can I actually...drown myself just by thinking? That’s ridiculous. What are you talking about, Celestia? Am I arguing with myself? Of course I am, no one else is here to talk with me or argue with me. I lean my head back into my pillow and groan at my own thoughts. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I get my head to shut up? I’m so tired. I’m just so tired. No! Stay awake, you have to stay awake, Celestia! You fall asleep and Discord wins. I can’t help but laugh at my own thoughts. They would sound so funny out of context...at least they would to me. No, I am tired. They would not be funny if I was more awake. I look around the empty white room. I’ll try to stay awake. I turn my head enough to look at where my bandaged shoulder lies under my shirt. I’m not going to aggravate it to stay awake this time. I don’t want to have to be brought back to life again. What else could I think of before I pass out from exhaustion? I just woke up but I...don’t feel like I slept enough and that I have to go back to sleep. Will sleep just shut up and quit bugging me? The door opens and Dr. Cruebel enters with two orderlies, one male the other female. He walks over to me and takes the blanket off. “Unstrap her. “ he says to them and the straps are loosened. “I don’t understand...” I say as the female puts her hand behind my back and helps me sit up. “Hopefully the sleep has helped you. We’re going to do a therapy session now. Do you want to get changed before, though?” I look down at my sweaty and bloodstained nightclothes before nodding. He gestures with his hand for me to follow and I obey. Maybe the drugs are the cause but I feel disoriented, like everyone and everything is shouting for my attention. I want to cover my ears but I just hug myself and walk next to Dr. Cruebel as he walks me upstairs towards my room, supposedly. Everything happens too quickly for my mind to remember anything I do before I find myself sitting in an armchair adjacent to Dr. Cruebel. “How are you feeling?” he asks. “What did you knock me out with?” “A...powerful sedative. We needed you to be out while we re-stitched your shoulder.” he leaned forward in his chair and brought the tips of his hands together, “Now, is there anything you want to tell me about what happened two nights ago?” His eyes looked into mine. I look away and say nothing. “I see. Let me ask you a different way: what prompted you to aggravate your stitches?” “I...” I shrug. He knows. Why is he acting so different? “Honestly, can you really not figure it out?” He shakes his head. “You were there, last night. I went to hug Luna but she turned into...into you! The last thing I wanted was to fall asleep again.” “Ashlyn, you’ve been bothered by your dreams ever since you first came here. You don’t have to be scared of something that you see in your mind. Your dreams aren’t real.” “Stop.” “What?” “No, stop it. I’m sick of this, Discord! The first night I came here you led me to your office and tried to get me to give Equestria over to you.” “I don’t know what you’re—“ “Don’t lie to me!” my voice almost scares me, “Don’t you dare lie to me! Don’t lie to me. I can’t...” He says nothing. I lean forward with my face in my hands. A tissue box appears when I open my eyes and I snatch one to wipe my face. For a while I just cry, wipe my face, and toss the tissue into a wastebasket that is scooted towards me. “Ashlyn, this...Discord persona. I can’t help but wonder what your reason was for creating him. You...take the blame for the consequences of what happened to your sister...but is there something else—“ “Shut up!” “Was there anything wrong between you and your sister? A quarrel that you never resolved?” “Shut up! Just shut up! It’s your fault!” “Ashlyn, you won’t get better if you avoid the question. What do you feel guilty about?” “Nothing.” I hiss and throw another tissue into the waste bin. “Ashlyn, why won’t you let me help you? This guilt has been lying unconfronted inside of you ever since your sister passed away.” “Just...stop. Luna is alive and she’s going to get me out of here.” “Kiera would not want this for you. No matter what you feel guilty about, you need to face it, not push it off onto someone else.” “Just stop it!” “Are you asking me to stop because you believe I am Discord here to hurt you? Or is there something you honestly refuse to face?” My mane was too short to grab when I first woke up here. Now, my hands grip hairs that are almost two inches long. I don’t know how to answer him. I don’t want to think about it. I just want to sleep again and dream like I did in Equestria or even better, just not dream at all. “Ashlyn?” “I’m so exhausted. I don’t want to sleep except I want it more than anything!" my voice is almost a wail. "I don’t want to dream but I want to dream because perhaps I can reach Luna that way...” I guess I don’t tend to listen to myself when I talk. Usually my brain is talking too loud for me to hear my voice. So much noise...but I feel odd when I listen to myself.Maybe I’m having an out-of-body experience? I don’t know. It’s like I have to remind myself who I am and saying Celestia makes me confused. Of course saying Ashlyn doesn’t make me less confused. I just...I want to sleep but I know I shouldn’t. Or should I? “My name is Celestia... My name is Ashlyn... My name is Celestia.” “What are you doing?” “I’m trying to figure out which name makes more or less sense...neither of them seem to belong to me. I’m so tired...I’m so...tired. I don’t want to be scared to fall asleep but something makes me that way—” “No, you can fight this. You're so much stronger than you realize. You don't have to live in fear like this. You can’t stay questioning everything about yourself. You have to decide who you are based on if you are willing to take the risks that will come from choosing to be one person or another.” “No, I can’t change who I am...” “What if you are Ashlyn Field? You have a house and a horse in Pennsylvania. You have a peaceful life to return to. Yes, you’ve lost something very dear to you, but you can keep going and learn to be happy again. Your sister would not want you miserable.” My eyes are closed as tightly as I can close them. What if I am just a human? Maybe I have the memories of another life hidden inside of me. I’m so tired. “Ashlyn,” he says. I open my eyes. He’s holding out a mirror to me. I’ve only seen my face reflected in windows or shiny surfaces. A mirror is something different. A mirror is there only to show you what you are unless it’s been enchanted. But enchantment doesn’t live here. My fingers close over the plastic edge and touch the cold surface, leaving a pool of heat radiating from my hand. He lets go and I bring the mirror towards my face and look into it. Bones. My cheekbones are prominent because my face is so thin. My skin is pale except for two dark semi-circles under my eyes. My lips and my skin are the same waxy yellowed color. My eyes are dark green and bloodshot from crying or lack of sleep. My hair is short and dark red. I’m terrifying. My collarbone looks like skin was wrapped over it with the muscles left out. “No...” “It would break your sister’s heart to see you like this. That much I can say for her.” I run my hand through my short, unwashed and clumping hair. I’m hideous. How could Luna have hugged me if I looked like this? How could she have not commented? “I know you look like a mess now. I’m not going to say you don’t. You’ve barely eaten or slept for days. What’s causing it?” he asked, almost as if he knows the answer but wants me to say it. I give the mirror to him and my hand falls back to my knees. “I am.” “Yes... We can help you, Ashlyn. You’re going to have to trust us here. Think about it. I don’t want to push you. But please, ask if you can trust us.” I’m still drugged and he asks me to decide. I don’t care what he says; I feel like I’m being pressured. How could I possibly trust him? Would trusting him keep him from my nightmares? Would I rather have a dead sister or a sister...that I couldn’t save? “My choice won’t change who I am...” “Go ahead and take your time.” Celestia, you know better than me that skin and bones and muscles are not what make up a pony. You don’t change no matter what form you are in. What risk is involved in me choosing to be Ashlyn? If I am Celestia, I will be Celestia. I will find my way back...even if in spite of myself. If I am Ashlyn...trying to be Celestia will never happen. It won’t be able to happen. I’m helpless. I’ve felt helpless before. I hate it, especially when I’m helpless because of...because of Discord. If I really am Ashlyn, Discord isn’t real. None of the threats of Equestria are real. I’ll lose Luna. I’ll lose Twilight. If they’re not real, I’ve lost nothing. I've made my decision but continue to argue for and against it. I close my eyes to block out the noise of sight. I can argue with myself for hours. This decision seems logical except it doesn’t make any sense. I can’t keep arguing. I can change my mind later. I wipe my cheek and breathe deeply before opening my eyes. I finally look at him. “Ok...” His eyes glimmer just a little more when he smiles. “I’ll have Sarah take you back to your room for now. She’ll be watching you. I will be moving you into another room with a roommate. At this moment I want you to sleep. We’ll finalize everything while you’re napping.” I groan. I’m not used to having things done for me while I’m napping. This is going to take a while. “Sarah!” he calls towards the door. No answer. “Sarah, could you come in here please?” After no response he rises out of his chair enough to shout towards the door. “Screwball, I know you’re listening behind the door now will you please come in here?”