//------------------------------//
// Mork 
// Story: Not My Little Diamond 
// by MagerBlutooth 
//------------------------------//

Chpt. 12 - Mork

Monday, March 31

In my most basic definitions of ‘normal’, I know that it’s customary to greet someone with a simple word such as "hello" or "hi". In some cases, it’s fine to use basic colloquialisms such as "howdy" or "sup" for such purposes. On occasion, even a simple wave of the hand is an acceptable form of greeting. However, in a mystical world where normalcy and hands exist only in the realms of imagination, we use alternative greeting methods including, but not limited to, "mork" and a glass-shattering shriek that could scare the color off a painting. I stuck with "mork."

I couldn’t help but taste some familiarity at the sight of an immensely pink pony pushing open a door before screaming right in my face. I had tuned out the last one, but this one took me by surprise, knocking me over with the scream lines alone. 

Fluttershy had said she was going to bring over someone named Twilight, who I had envisioned would be a little less excitable than the pink bucket of popping corn that burst into Mr. Rich's foyer. It never occurred to me that supernatural creatures would ever have the need to transition anywhere, but unless the library was about three steps away or Fluttershy was the resident speed demon of the sky, I saw no other way she could have made it back that quickly.

I guess some things just never change.

Twilight had no wings, but she had more personality in her mane than my college’s entire drama department, and she appeared to have the most hyperactive bejeepers I'd ever seen. I got back up onto all fours so I could get a better look at her, but little did I realize that I wouldn’t have time for any detailed observations.

It turned out that Twilight's earsplitting shout wasn’t one of fear, but of zest. I expected her scream to be followed by words of some sort, but there were strangely none to be found. Instead, she stretched out her tongue by about two or three feet and licked across my face and clothing like a true professional. She licked off all of Pinkie’s slime in about seven seconds, leaving me covered in an alternative form of goop.

So much for ever figuring out what that stuff was.

Twilight licked her lips, turning to Fluttershy to speak for the first time in a high-pitched, energetic voice. "We’re in luck, Fluttershy. Filthy’s new pet’s an ice cream man!"

All right, that's starting to irritate me. Why does everyone keep calling Pinkie’s slime "ice cream"? Maybe it’s a euphemism or something. Still, can't they just call it what it is?

Before I knew it, Twilight had made her way behind me and grabbed my left foot. "I’ll bet he keeps the rest in his shoes!" she exclaimed, pulling on my shoe like she was trying to tear it clean off my leg.

"Um, I don’t think—" Fluttershy celestially said before Twilight gave up on her pulling and popped up on my right like a pig before a sequence of credits. 

"No, wait!" she said. "He probably keeps it in here." Without a second of warning, she shoved her hoof directly into my right ear and dug it around inside my head. I was about to mork my objection, but before I could, she yanked a clean, unmelted, pink ice cream cone right out of my ear.    

Oh, for the love of darn it! I told Rook to stop using my head as his second hammerspace! Okay, technically I didn’t, but now I’m extremely considering it!

In her eagerness to pull out the cone, Twilight accidentally knocked over a glass of some green liquid in my head, which spilled out my ears and onto the floor. I couldn’t identify what it was, but knowing Rook, it was probably his backup storage of power food. It felt wet and slimy, but the bad news was that it was pouring out of my ears and cutting off my sense of hearing. The two voices faded into muffled silence, and I tried to keep my false smile up as I anxiously strained to hear them. 





"What’s that coming out of its ears?" Fluttershy asked nervously as she stood there, amazed at Pinkie’s strange magic trick.

"Beats me. I was just in it for the ice cream," Pinkie said before swallowing the frozen dessert in one gulp.

"Pinkie, do you know what this creature is?" Fluttershy asked, not taking her eyes off the odd green ear juice for a moment.

Pinkie smiled brightly. "I told you, Fluttershy. It’s an ice cream man."

"Ice cream…man?" Fluttershy repeated, lacking the necessary information to comprehend.

"You know, a magical creature who drives a white truck that plays a catchy little jingle over and over and over that's filled with all sorts of funny-looking ice cream. It works from ten to four on weekdays for about $10 an hour, giving out ice cream to the children. The best part, though, is that it never stops smiling no matter how depressing life gets."

Fluttershy inspected the creature again. Now that she thought about it, the only time she hadn't seen the creature wearing that smile was when it was asleep, and it did have ice cream in its head. "You really think that's what it is, Pinkie?" 

Pinkie licked her lips clean and laughed again. "Come on, Fluttershy. Did you leave your sense of humor at home? There’s no such thing as an ice cream man." Pinkie abruptly opened her mouth to get a taste of the stream of green pouring out from one of the creature’s ears.

"Pinkie, no! That stuff could be dangerous!" Fluttershy quietly shouted as her friend gulped down an entire mouthful of the stuff. Pinkie swallowed and licked her lips again. "Cherry soda," she replied, clearly pleased with the taste.

"But…it’s green," Fluttershy stated, hopelessly confused about how much Pinkie really knew about this creature. "Pinkie?" she asked, redirecting her friend’s attention for just enough time to follow up on her statement. "Do you know where this creature came from?"

Pinkie looked confused for a moment before giggling again. "Oh, I get it, Fluttershy. Now you’re making the jokes."

Fluttershy's eyes expanded slightly, her attention stolen away from the one with the ear geysers. "I...I am?" 

"It didn’t come from you, right?" Pinkie asked, licking a lingering green stain off her hoof as Fluttershy nodded in agreement. "So it obviously came from a pet store. Where else would Filthy get a new pet?"

Fluttershy's head dropped to the floor at her friend's ignorance. "It’s not Mr. Rich’s pet, Pinkie," she explained. Pinkie stopped licking her hoof for a moment, giving the pegasus a look as if she had just said something odd. However, neither she nor Fluttershy happened to notice the sudden ceasefire of green cherry soda that took place in the room at that moment.





What did they say? Is it adventure time yet? Did they figure out I can talk? Why did Twilight drink soda out of my ear?

As I slowly regained my hearing, I desperately attempted to figure out where the conversation had travelled. Neither of them were looking at me anymore, and I needed to know why. I couldn’t pick up a thing from my abysmal lipreading skills. Best I could tell they were discussing the reason paper beats rock. I was about to mork to get their attention, but Fluttershy beat me to the draw, her voice making my thought bank go bankrupt.

"Mr. Rich told me he found this creature last night on his way back from his business trip," she explained.

"Really? Tell me more! I wanna know everything!" Twilight declared, getting into a comfortable position and pulling out some popcorn from her hammerspace.

Wonderful, my ears cleared up just in time for a review session. Now what am I supposed to do for the next forty-five seconds? Guess I’ve got time for some observations now. 

I impassively glanced over to the one lying next to me with the empty popcorn box. Much like Fluttershy and Pinkie, Twilight here would have never passed for a real horse in my hometown. She was even pinker than Pinkie, if that made any sense. Her mane was one shade of it, her body was another, and once again, her blue eyes were all that ruined the regularity aside from the three balloons someone had scribbled on her backside. The thought had occurred to me earlier, but if genetics still worked in any sensible way in this world, I was certain it had to be true. It wasn’t a perfect resemblance, but compared to Pinkie’s "dad", Twilight was a dead ringer for the mom. If nothing else, Pinkie certainly got her intro music from her. 

The theme combined about every instrument that nature had to offer while still somehow creating actual music. It was vibrant, sunny, and it sounded as if any setting that didn’t have everyone in the immediate area dancing and cheering was just an insult to it. With me around, that was guaranteed. Surprisingly, it still wasn’t as loud as Pinkie’s theme, but it definitely sounded as if it should have been.

"…And no offense, but I wanted to make sure you didn’t frighten it or anything. You understand, don’t you?" Fluttershy said, finishing her explanation and giving the pink one a painfully innocent smile.

Twilight said nothing. She narrowed her gaze, placing her hoof to her chin as if she were in deep thought, making her sunshiny theme very unfitting all of a sudden. Then, without warning, she turned into her daughter for a moment as she threateningly pulled out an deflated balloon. She took a deep breath and blew into it before turning away from both of us, fiddling with the balloon and creating a hodgepodge of sound effects in the process. Eventually, she turned back around with a cake in place of the balloon and lit sparklers in place of the candles.

Okay, Twilight, you're in.

"Why didn’t you tell me earlier, Fluttershy?" Twilight asked, slightly frustrated in tone. "If he’s our new guest, then I’m already way behind. Now I gotta throw three parties today for him just to make up for it."    

Okay, Twilight, you're out.

"M-maybe you could tone it done just a little? I think you’re scaring it," Fluttershy squeaked as quietly as ever.

"Nobody’s scared of cake, Fluttershy. That would be a crime against pony kind."

Ah, good, a simple way to break the law. I needed one of those.

"I-I know, but it might be a little too…exciting," Fluttershy mumbled, cautiously pulling out one of the sparklers from the cake like it was holding the whole house together.

"What do you think, Mr. Monster? Is it too exciting?" Twilight asked me out of what appeared to be childlike curiosity.

"Mork," I replied, just as my training had prepared me.

Twilight’s mouth turned wavy for a brief moment before she handed off the cake to Fluttershy and fell into a stronger laughing fit than even that bomb-happy checkout lady.

"Um…what’s so funny?" Fluttershy asked as Twilight rolled around the floor in her manic fit.

Eventually, she calmed down a bit and explained her uproar. "Mork!" she repeated. "He said 'mork'! It’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! It’s like if you took all the funny animal noises and combined them into one! You know, other than ribbit and cockadoodledoo."  

"Mork?" I asked, not really sure if I was asking a question in my new language or confirming if that was the word she was describing.

"Mork!" Twilight shouted back at me in response, looking me right in the eye.

"Mork," I responded on impulse, now feeling like my word was being stolen.

"Mork!" she shouted, pulling an ice cream cone out of her own right ear.

"Mork!" I yelled, suddenly determined not to lose the battle of the morks.

"Mork!" Twilight yelled even louder, now wearing false gloves that looked identical to my own.

This kept going on until the point where she dyed her mane to match my hair color. I could have won, but the repetition was draining the life out of me, so I just dropped my head in submission and disappointment after that final 'mork'.

"I think he likes me!" Twilight shouted in victory to the winged master of vocals, who had apparently been trying to interrupt the competition the entire time.

"Maybe we should…wait a second. ‘He’? You know what gender it is? How can you tell?" Fluttershy asked, giving me another once over. 

Well, that seems a bit uncalled for. Surely you jest.

"Duh," Twilight responded as she pointed at my face, her costume now completely gone. "No eyelashes. That means it’s either a boy or it’s reeeally old."

Impressive. Most people I know look straight to hair length and vocal pitch when this issue comes up. This Twilight must be a thinker.

"Oh my goodness, you’re right," Fluttershy squeaked, sounding slightly embarrassed. "I can’t believe I didn’t notice that. I’m sorry I called you an ‘it’ for so long, Mr...you know we should really give you a name." 

"Oooh, ooh! Definitely! I love naming things!" Twilight cheered. "We could name him Mittens after his gloves! Or Snacks after all the food in his ears! Or…ooh! Rainbow Dash!"

"Why would we name him Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy inquired.

"No, silly, Rainbow Dash just flew by!" Pinkie said, pointing out the small, circular window. "Maybe she knows a good name for him. I’ll go ask!" Twilight immediately turned around and bounced out the front door before Fluttershy could reply, slamming it shut behind her and leaving the two of us alone in silence.

My one-word vocabulary had plenty of benefits, but it wasn’t that useful for cutting through awkward silence. I was hoping Fluttershy would decide to break it, but the empty void was filled with a much deeper voice first.

"So, Fluttershy, any luck finding out more about this thing?" the familiar, still unimpressive voice of Mr. Rich asked from behind me.

"Oh, Mr. Rich, he’s not a thing. Please don’t call him a thing," Fluttershy said, stroking the top of my head again like a rider would her horse.

Mr. Rich cleared his throat and humbly replied, "I’m sorry. I’ll be sure to keep that in mind. I wouldn't mind knowing what 'he' is, though, or maybe just why the only clean part left of my floor is now green and sticky."

I turned around to reexamine the stallion only to encounter a sight that almost made a question mark pop out of my skull. Both Mr. Rich and Pinkie were standing behind me. I figured she would be there, but I was disturbed to find that she was only about 46% as pink as before. 

Really, I could only tell it was her by that dirty look she had basically personalized for glaring at me. Mr. Rich had said he was going to clean her up, but I had figured her slime would have reset by the time she came back. That statement couldn't be further from the truth. 

Those odd streaks of purple and white had performed a hostile takeover on Pinkie's mane, leaving a nearly unrecognizable Pinkie and a very confused me. It almost felt wrong to call her Pinkie now, but calling her anything else after all that time just wouldn't have felt right. I felt so many questions building up in my head I thought they would soon follow the soda and flood out of my ears. Unfortunately, my current vocabulary wasn’t up to the task of asking any of them.

I believe I’ve finally discovered the appeal of being able to talk freely.

Nevertheless, I resisted the urge to ask any of my questions. I knew that asking them now would spoil the fun of figuring them out for myself, and having fun was the entire reason I was here in the first place. 

Fluttershy opened her mouth to say something else, but Pinkie exploded first. "You see, Dad? This is what happens when you invite monsters into our house! Let's just kick it out already! I can’t even stand looking at it!" 

And yet she won’t stop glaring at me. Is it me or is Pinkie just the weirdest one of them all?

"I already told you," Mr. Rich said sweetly. "We just need to figure out where this thing came from, and then you’ll never have to see it again."

Pinkie wasn’t having any of it. "But Dad, it can’t live here! What would Mom say?"

She'd probably just cheer.

"Your mother’s not hearing a word about this, understand?" Mr. Rich asserted. "Now, stop trying to change the subject. Go on and apologize to...him so we can get you to school."

"Why do I have to apologize? It’s probably too dumb to understand me anyway!"

Fluttershy spoke up. "Oh no, he’s a very good listener. We even found a way to talk to him. It only took about five seconds actually."

"Then why aren’t you looking after it then?" Pinkie starly asked, challengingly pointing her hoof at Fluttershy.

"Well…I…I mean, I wouldn’t mind," Fluttershy said, nervously glancing back and forth between Pinkie, Mr. Rich, and myself.

"All right, we’re done talking about this," Mr. Rich intervened, shoving his daughter to the front door with a single push, once again looking embarrassed to be related to her.

Come on, Mr. Rich. She’s got a point. Clearly I’m not a good influence on this house and should live with Fluttershy's voice.

"Can't I at least have some cake?" Pinkie whined as she came to a stop by the door, eyeing the sparkling object in Fluttershy's hooves.

Mr. Rich shot her a Pinkie-level glare. "I think you've had enough dessert for today. Now, come on. Let’s get you to school before you’re late." He turned back to Fluttershy as he opened the door to let his daughter outside. "I’m sorry for the trouble. You don’t mind watching him for a little longer, do you? I’d stay to help, but I have to see a stallion about getting my house back to its original color."

I thought that was my and Pinkie's job. These horses don’t want me near the weird stuff, do they?

Fluttershy assured him it was no trouble at all, and the Rich family left, closing the door back again before I could sneak a peek outside. I was beginning to believe that I had better chances getting my adventure back home considering the simple process of going outside appeared to be more difficult than solving a sliding puzzle on a tilt-a-whirl.  

Hang on a second. Did Pinkie just sneak out of here without having to apologize? Maybe she's got mind control powers after all. I'll have to look into that later.

Twilight burst back into the room at that moment, sending some streamers and confetti flying everywhere.  

"What happened to Rainbow Dash?" Fluttershy asked. "I thought you went out to ask her to help us come up with a name."

"She had to go set the sky on fire, so she told me to just to name it something cool," Twilight answered.

Mental note: Make sure one incendiary Rainbow Dash joins my adventuring team.

"Okay," Fluttershy blinked.

"Or wait, did she say name it something cool or name it something awesome?" Twilight wondered aloud. "Oh well, I think we should name him something cool. I mean, he's definitely cool and all, but he's not really screaming ‘awesome’ to me." She placed her hoof to her chin again as she inspected my hair.

"He’s wearing a digital watch. That’s…um, kind of awesome, right?" Fluttershy uncomfortably suggested.

"Hmm…what do you think?" Twilight asked, looking me right in the eye. "Does a digital watch make you awesome enough for an awesome name?" 

"Mork?" I guessed.

"Mork!" Twilight and Fluttershy shouted simultaneously, though one clearly louder than the other.

"It’s the perfect name for him! And it’s so fun to say!" Twilight cheered, bouncing up and down and chanting the word over and over again.

Fluttershy smiled looked back at me in earnest. "What do you think, Mork? Do you like that name?" 

And that’s the story of how I was named Mork by two multicolored horses in an alternate world. Thanks for reading, everyone! I hope it was worth the journey.





"Find anything yet, Scootaloo?" Sweetie Belle asked as her friend pulled to an abrupt stop in front of her.

"Nothing," Scootaloo sadly replied. "No Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie anywhere in town. It’s like they disappeared off the map or something. You think Twilight already found them?"

"Maybe, but we should probably look for a bit longer. Fifteen minutes isn’t exactly a thorough search," Sweetie said.

"I guess not. Hey! I’ve got an idea!" Scootaloo’s eyes lit up in excitement.

Sweetie cocked an eyebrow. "What is it?" she asked a bit hesitantly. 

Scootaloo got behind Sweetie and started pushing her forward. "Just trust me. I know exactly what we need to do."

In no time at all, the two fillies were standing underneath the cloud that the blue pegasus was sleeping on. Scootaloo’s face was exploding with anticipation as she looked up at her sleeping idol. Sweetie’s expression was mild at best.

"I don’t get it," Sweetie remarked. "How did you know where to find Rainbow Dash if you can’t find Fluttershy or Pinkie Pie?" 

"I know all of Rainbow Dash’s favorite sleeping spots," Scootaloo boasted. "There’s not a cloud in Ponyville where she could hide from me."

"Lucky for us, I guess," Sweetie uneasily replied.

Scootaloo beamed as she yelled up, "Hey, Rainbow Dash! Could we talk with you for a second?"

Her shouting quickly and successfully woke the lounging pegasus, who looked down to see where all the racket was coming from.

"What’s up, you guys?" she asked, rising up to get a better view from her cloud.

"We’re looking for Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie. Have you seen them today by any chance?" Sweetie asked.

"Nope. Can’t say I have," Rainbow Dash yawned, immediately reverting back to her lounging position.

"Oh well, thanks anyway!" Sweetie said, starting to walk away. "Let’s go ask someone else, Scootaloo." 

Scootaloo extended her hoof to block Sweetie's exit path. "Hang on," she whispered. Then she shouted back up, "Is there anything we could help you with this morning, Rainbow Dash?" 

"Scootaloo, what are you doing?" Sweetie whispered with a frustrated undertone. "We’ve got a mission to accomplish. 'Cutie Mark Crusader Pony Finders go', remember?" 

"Relax, we’ve still got time, and I’m not missing an opportunity to help the one and only Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo whispered back.

"Nah, I’m good," Rainbow said back, sounding like she was about to fall asleep again.

"Well, okay! Nice talking to ya! Bye!" Sweetie quickly said, trying to hurry them away before Scootaloo could ask something else.

"Are you sure? We’ll do anything!" Scootaloo shouted as Sweetie attempted to push her away. 

"I told you, it’s cool. Just let me get back to…" Rainbow stopped herself mid-sentence. "Hang on a second," she called, springing up on her cloud like a dated mattress spring. 

She flew down to where the two fillies were standing with a mischievous grin on her face. She placed her hoof to her neck and held it in front of their faces as if she were showing them something. "You guys don’t see anything, right?" she asked.

"Just you, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said in admiration.

"But my hoof is empty, right? There’s nothing on it?" Rainbow asked.

"All I see is your awesomeness pouring out of it," Scootaloo said, awestruck as always.

"Awesomeness isn’t a word," Sweetie Belle barked at Scootaloo.

"Is too!" Scootaloo and Rainbow shouted in unison, making Scootaloo shine like she’d just performed a Sonic Rainboom herself. Sweetie looked away.

"And you said you’ll do…anything?" Rainbow asked as her left hind leg began to tremble.

Sweetie jumped on that one. "Well, actually, we don't have much time before we-" 

"Anything, Rainbow Dash. Just name it, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders will handle it lickety-split," Scootaloo said, her smile large enough for all three of them.

"Okay then," Rainbow Dash looked to her right to see a worn, empty bucket lying beside them on its side. She flew over, scooped it up with her left hoof, touched the ground with her other hoof, and then slammed the bucket on top of the spot she had touched.

"All right, girls, listen up," Rainbow said, flying back over to them as she slid the bucket along the ground with her. "I’m about to ask you to do something more important than anything you’ve ever done in your little pony lives. I’m not gonna lie. It’ll probably be more important than anything you’ll do for the rest of them too. It’s so amazingly, awesomely important that you can’t even tell anypony about it. This kind of assignment isn’t for just anypony, so if you’re not up to the task, I suggest you back out now."

Sweetie frowned. "That sounds kinda--".

"No way we’re gonna back out, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo said. "Who do you think we are, a couple of scaredy ponies?" 

"That’s what I want to hear! Now pay attention. You see this bucket?" Rainbow asked, tapping the metal object with her hoof.

"I see it, Rainbow Dash. I totally see it!" Scootaloo said with an overdose of enthusiasm.

"All right…I need the two of you…"

"Yes…?" Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle asked, leaning forward with unbridled optimism and dubious curiosity respectively.

"…to make sure that this bucket stays right here until I get back," Rainbow said with a look of absolute seriousness before flying a few feet into the air.

"That’s it?" Sweetie asked.

"Let me make this absolutely clear. You cannot let anypony or anything knock this bucket over or pick it up off the ground, and don’t let anypony see what’s under the bucket either."

"But nothing is under the bucket," Sweetie said.

"Exactly." Rainbow winked. "Think you handle this much awesome responsibility?"

"The bucket stays upright! Got it!" Scootaloo said, giving her idol a loyal salute.

"Great, now just keep an eye on it until I get back," Rainbow casually said as she went to take off.

"How long will you be gone?" Sweetie said, causing Rainbow to pause her departure.

"Don’t worry. I’m Rainbow Dash. I’ll be back before you can say ‘Rainbow Dash is the most awesome flier Equestria has ever seen.’" And with that, Rainbow Dash flew off through the sky at a speed that rivaled even her own, leaving the two fillies standing next to a rusty bucket.





Rainbow Dash was ecstatic. The second she took that necklace off, it was like she’d just been released from a dungeon of boredom that she’d been trapped in for over a whole week. Being unable to fly at her normal speed for this long was like trying to breathe peanut butter instead of air. She had tried to pass the time by reading and sleeping, but she just couldn’t shake the emptiness from being unable to soar through the clouds and feel that adrenaline she loved so much. 

She knew she wouldn’t get another chance like this until the end of the week, so she planned on having one big fly-for-all in Ghastly Gorge to get her through the rest of her prison sentence. All she had to do now was get out of range of Ponyville so that none of her friends, especially Twilight, saw she had taken her necklace off. They would probably all think it was a bad idea to leave her necklace practically unguarded like that, but she felt confident that those fillies could handle looking after it for just a few minutes. Besides, it had been over a week, and nopony had showed up to so much as cough on her necklace yet. What could possibly happen?

She knew she had to avoid the densely populated regions of Ponyville to stay out of sight, so she made her way down the paths less traveled. Thanks to her speed, she would be out of town in a matter of seconds. As long as none of her friends were visiting this specific area of Ponyville, she’d make it out scot-free.

"Hi, Rainbow Dash!" Pinkie said as she bounced in front of her, bringing Rainbow's dash to a screeching halt.

"Where’d your necklace go?" Pinkie asked, immediately noticing what Rainbow Dash wanted to keep secret.

Rainbow hesitated as she tried to think of an excuse. "I’m…uh…getting it cleaned. Yep, got to make sure it’s nice and clean when I return it this Saturday," she said, forcing a smile.

Pinkie looked at her friend strangely for a second before smiling as she replied, "Well that makes sense. I'll bet those things haven't gotten a good cleaning in hundreds of years. We should all get together and have a Element Cleaning Party. Ooh, wait! I know! We should get them laminated! Then they'll be sparkly clean and never get dirty again!"  

Rainbow just kept up her smile, knowing how lucky she was that Pinkie was the one she ran into. 

"Oh, I almost forgot! Could you help me with something, Rainbow Dash?"

"Uh, actually, I’m kinda busy right now," Rainbow said, slowly easing away from her friend. "Can’t it wait till later?" 

"But we need your advice! There’s this funny animal Fluttershy and I are watching, and we need to come up with a name for him!"

"Well…what’s he like?" Rainbow asked, nervously checking if anypony else was around as she kept slowly inching away.

"He likes me," Pinkie said before gasping at her own statement. "Should I name him Pinkie Pie?"

Rainbow didn’t even hear Pinkie’s proposal. "Just name him something cool. He is cool, right?" 

"I don’t know. I forgot to check. He’s got ice cream in his head. Does that count?"

"Sure," Rainbow halfheartedly said, shifting her eyes back and forth as she tried to think of a way to abruptly end the discussion before she got caught. "Listen, I’d love to help you Pinkie. I really would, but I’ve gotta go burn some sky, and I don’t have a lot of time to do it, so I’ll catch you later." Before Pinkie could even inhale for a response, Rainbow Dash took off again in a blaze of color, leaving a confused pink pony standing there, wondering why her friend wanted to perform such an odd activity.





"I don’t think Rainbow Dash is coming back," Sweetie finally said after spending twenty minutes staring at a bucket.

"She’ll be here any second now. I just know it!" Scootaloo said, her eyes glued to that bucket like it was Rainbow Dash herself.

"But Scootaloo," Sweetie said, "class starts in five minutes!"

Scootaloo twirled around in shock. "What? How did that happen?" 

"I don’t know, but we already got an hour delay! We can’t be late! What will Miss Cheerilee think of us?"

"She’ll think we’re no-good delinquents who don’t care about school anymore!" 

"Then let's go! I think we can probably still make it in time if we leave right now. Come on!" Sweetie ran off toward the school before realizing Scootaloo wasn’t following her.

"What's the problem, Scootaloo?" she asked, looking back while trotting in place with unease.

"There’s no problem!" Scootaloo said, her hooves clutched tightly around the metal container. "It’s just…I promised Rainbow Dash I’d watch this bucket until she got back."

"There’s nothing under that bucket!" Sweetie shouted.

"So what? She said this was important to her! That makes it important to me!"

Sweetie Belle looked into Scootaloo’s eyes. Despite how ridiculous the task was, she could tell that her friend really cared about it. She knew she couldn’t just leave her friend to watch a bucket all day, but she didn’t want them to miss school either. She wasn't conflict's biggest fan, so she scavenged her brain for some solution to make it go away.

"Wait a minute, Scootaloo. Didn't Rainbow Dash just say to make sure nothing knocked over or picked up the bucket?"

"Yeah, but with way more urgency than that," Scootaloo said, placing her hooves on top of the bucket.

A confident smile spreading across Sweetie's face. "Then I think I have an idea." 





Diamond was almost dizzy with excitement as she walked into the classroom that morning, finding it almost impossible to look apathetic. Not being sticky felt even more amazing than she remembered, and after she finally got her dad to promise that she’d never have to see that hideous monster ever again, she decided to erase it from her memory. 

She still couldn’t believe her dad had invited such a weird, creepily smiling nightmare into their house without her permission, but there was a much scarier beast that required her attention at the moment: her punishment. 

Apple Bloom and Silver Spoon were already at their desks when Diamond arrived, and the giddy filly had nothing to say to either of them as she made her way across the classroom, at least not yet. She was feeling restless as she went through her plan again in her mind, but she knew she had to wait for the right moment to put it into action. 

As she settled into her seat and placed her backpack beside her desk, her bespectacled friend on her right took the opportunity to enact a plan of her own. It had been over four days since Silver Spoon had even spoken to Diamond Tiara, and she couldn’t take the cold shoulder any longer. Noticing that Diamond looked in much higher spirits that morning, Silver Spoon decided it was as good a time as any to try and patch things up. 

"So, you want to stop by my house after school today?" she asked spontaneously, leaning over toward her friend so she was sure to hear her. "My mom’s throwing this big, boring social thing, and she said I could bring one guest. It’ll be so much funner if you’re there. Don't you think?"

"Sounds like fun," she said. "It’ll be the perfect way to celebrate me getting my tiara back."

Silver’s ears perked up. "You…you got it back?" she asked, almost in disbelief, looking up at her friend's bare head.

Diamond’s smirk transformed into a simper. "Give me five minutes," she replied, turning back to face the front of the classroom and signaling to Silver that the conversation had ended for the moment. Silver Spoon wanted to ask what Diamond had in mind, but she felt that she had made enough of a gamble with that first question. Mainly she was just relieved that her friend was back to her old self.

Their teacher hadn’t arrived yet, but she seemed to have that big ‘surprise’ she mentioned all set up, hidden under a brushed, amber cloth on the front desk. Diamond and Silver was too lost in thought to care about whatever was under the sheet, but Apple Bloom and a few of the other students were all silently wondering what it could be.

As the school bell rang, a large, rectangular chalkboard surged through the classroom door, closely followed by Miss Cheerilee. She wheeled it in behind her desk, stepping out from behind it to face her class. The purple schoolteacher looked rather exhausted and her mane was a mess, but she still cheerfully greeted her class as she always did. 

"Good morning, everypony. I hope you all enjoyed your weekend," she announced with the tiniest bit of fatigue in her voice. "I’m sorry I took so long. Somepony took our chalkboard, and I had to borrow this one from town hall." Her statement was met by some shallow, classroom laughter as several students noticed the original chalkboard had been completely removed from the wall.

"Are you feeling okay, Miss Cheerilee?" Apple Bloom asked after noticing her teacher's distressed appearance. "You look a bit...messy."

As if she didn't hear her at first, Cheerilee took a couple of seconds to respond. "Oh, I'm all right, Apple Bloom. I had a bit of a rough night sleep last night. It would seem the snowy owl gets quite noisy during mating season. I'll be fine, though. Seeing all your bright, shining faces ready to learn gives me all the energy I need."

Diamond's simper turned into a smile. 

"Anyway, today I’ve got something planned that I know you’ll all enjoy!" she assured, stopping to notice the two empty desks in the left row. "That’s odd. We seem to be missing somepony."

"Wait!" a call from outside resounded, making everyone turn back toward the door. Following the shout, Sweetie Belle burst inside, panting like the air was made of concrete.

"Sweetie Belle? What’s wrong?" Cheerilee asked, the fatigue in her voice replaced with concern.

"I…I wanted to…make sure…you didn’t start…without us," Sweetie panted, slowly catching her breath. A few seconds later, Scootaloo slowly crept in behind her, carefully pushing an old, dented bucket forward with her nose. 

"Sorry we’re late, Miss Cheerilee," Scootaloo stated, slamming her hooves onto the bucket to hold it steady. "We had something important we needed to take care of." 

Diamond lobbed a mocking laugh across the room. "I’ll bet. Is it bucket season already? Looks like you’ve picked out this year’s winner."  

Cheerilee cringed at the filly’s derisive remark, turning to look at her smiling pupil with jaded and disappointed eyes. "Please, Diamond, I’m really not in the mood to deal with this right now. Would you please do us both a favor and keep your nose clean today?"

Diamond politely met her teacher’s plea with a shiny, sympathetic smile. "Don’t worry, Miss Cheerilee. I think my behavior today is really going to surprise you. In fact, I can promise that you won’t even recognize me."

Cheerilee eyed her suspiciously, eventually telling her tardy arrivals to take their seats. Scootaloo eased her beloved treasure over to her desk before sitting down, making sure it stood upright as Sweetie sat in the seat behind her.

Diamond’s smile had now transformed into a full-fledged grin. The entire stage had been set for her plan to take off. All that was left was for one of the clumsy stagehooves to raise the curtain.

"Now, class, if you recall, we started talking about pony anatomy last Friday," Cheerilee said as she wrote the keyword down on the chalkboard. "Now can anypony tell me the definition of ‘anatomy’?"

Apple Bloom quickly raised her hoof to answer the question. "I remember, Miss Cheerilee."

"After all, I remember things that ain’t nopony never cared about. For fun!"

Apple Bloom frowned. That remark hadn’t come from her, and it certainly wasn’t a very good impression. She curiously turned to her left to see Diamond Tiara staring through her soul with eyes like snake eggs and a ravenous smile that could tear through solid wood.

A few days ago, Diamond would have called her plan crazy, but things were different now, completely different. All that mattered now was getting her tiara back, and this was her ace in the hole. She never dreamed such a delicious opportunity would arise so immediately, but she jumped on it the moment it came out of Apple Bloom’s dimwitted mouth.

"Um, what?" Apple Bloom asked, feeling slightly unsettled.

"I’m just saying since y’all know what ana-toe-mee means so good, then why don’t y’all go on and tell us?" the pink filly mocked, slurring her accent to sound more insultingly uneducated by the second. 

"I don’t sound like that!" Apple Bloom shouted back in anger.

Cheerilee let out an exhausted sigh before intervening. "Diamond Tiara, didn’t we just go over this?"

Diamond tuned out any doubt she had left in her mind, knowing there was no turning back now. She found it hard to swallow what she herself was doing. Her plan contradicted everything she strived to be, everything she stood for. However, if she wanted out of her punishment, and she did, she couldn't hold back. She had to go through with it.

"Oh, I’m sorry, Miss Cheerilee. I didn’t mean to distract everypony from your meaningless lesson plan. Please, continue putting us all to sleep." 

She had to become a brat. 

Her response made the jaw of every other pony in that room drop, and not a single word was said for a good ten seconds. Diamond Tiara had just vaulted over a line that Nightmare Moon herself would hesitate to tread near, and everypony, including Diamond Tiara, knew how dangerous it was.

"What, you can't think of anything?" Diamond scathingly asked, shattering the silence she had so shockingly created. "I know! Why don’t you go ahead show us the thrilling "surprise" you have under that tarp on your desk? What is it? A list of facts? Some shabby model? A waste of our valuable time?"

Cheerilee would have said something back, but her pride drove her to shamefully glance back at the tarp on her desk, suddenly feeling sheepish about the intricately detailed model she had spent the weekend creating.

"Y-you can’t talk to Miss Cheerilee like that!" Sweetie shouted in her teacher’s defense.

"Yeah, who do you think you are?" Scootaloo angrily agreed.

Diamond smiled brightly as if she had just been given a birthday present. She propped her hind legs up on her desk and shamelessly replied, "I’m the only one in this classroom who knows how to think. So why don’t you stop being rude and let our teacher show us her lousy surprise already?"

After coming up with her plan the previous night, Diamond had spent some time practicing her mean and disrespectful act. It came so naturally, not that that surprised her. She was naturally gifted at everything she did, and now it was time to use that talent to stop her punishment in its tracks. All she needed to do was make sure that her teacher heard every foulmouthed word. 

"That’s enough, Diamond Tiara," Cheerilee said with a tired seriousness. "I understand you’re still upset about your punishment, but this kind of immaturity is completely unacceptable. I really expected better from you, you know."

"I expected better from you too, Miss Cheerilee," Diamond smugly said. "I mean, I can understand having one or two dumb students, but having an entire class of morons after all this time is a bit ridiculous if you ask me."

Cheerilee was caught off guard by her student’s retort, taking a moment to make sure she heard those words correctly and then another to figure out how to respond. After clearing out her thoughts, Cheerilee closed her eyes and patiently replied, "I’m sorry you feel that way, Diamond Tiara, but there’s no reason for you to—" 

"You do know that you’re in this class too, right?" Scootaloo said from the other side of the classroom.

"Oh, let's not make this about me," Diamond playfully said, "and I know it must be hard for you to remember things that were said all of twenty seconds ago, but I told you to plug your chughole." 

"We ain’t stupid! Miss Cheerilee’s done a great job a teachin’ us," Apple Bloom said. "Right, everypony?" Her question was answered by an incoherent series of affirmative remarks from the everypony else in the class, save for Diamond, Silver, and Cheerilee.

"Oh, I’m sure she’s done all she can," Diamond said after the noise had died down. "I mean, we can't expect her to turn dirt into gold."

Cheerilee raised her voice this time. "Now, Diamond, I really think you need—" 

"What’s that supposed to mean?" Scootaloo asked, resulting in a sigh from the pink filly.

"It really is sad," Diamond said with pompous melancholy. "We just learned about alchemy two weeks ago, and you’ve already forgotten it. I feel your pain, Miss Cheerilee." Silver Spoon had to chuckle to herself.

"I don’t think—" Cheerilee said before Scootaloo interrupted her again.

"I didn’t forget! I was just asking—"

"Then you should know this all too well," Diamond pridefully said. "When you refine silver, you get nice silverware. When you refine diamonds, you get fine jewelry. When you refine dirt, all you get is mud."

"How about when you refine bein’ a jerk?" Apple Bloom asked. 

Cheerilee sighed. "Apple Bloom…" 

Diamond brought back her innocent face for a second round. "I think you get a rainbow. A rainbow…dash, was it?"

"You take that back!" Scootaloo shouted, aggressively rising out of her desk.

"You know, I don’t know what’s more pathetic, the fact that I can probably fly better than her or the fact that you can." Diamond's statement prompted another snicker out of her friend.

Cheerilee rubbed her forehead like she was scrubbing a floor. "Girls, please. Let’s all calm down here. We’re not having another incident like the one two Fridays ago."

"Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!" Snips and Snails begin shouting from the back of the classroom, encouraging another incident like the one two Fridays ago.

Diamond turned around to face the chanting. "We aren’t fighting, you bug chewers. We’re on opposite sides of the classroom."

"Oh," the two colts said in unison, noting that neither of the fillies had moved from their desks and that Scootaloo had sat back down, her attention refocused on her bucket.

"Besides, you two shouldn’t be encouraging any form of violence. A rock and a salt shaker could get the better of you," Diamond said, turning back around and leaving the two without a leg to stand on. 

"Yeah, maybe you should start chanting ‘life’ instead? If you’re lucky, maybe somepony will give you one," Silver Spoon said, prompting Diamond's grin to fade for a moment.

"And when’s somepony giving you one?" Diamond casually asked with a small shrug.

"Yeah, when’s…" Silver stopped as she realized she didn’t know who Diamond was asking. She turned back around to check, only to find Diamond looking squarely at her. 

"Where’s your life, Silver Spoon? Celestia knows you need one." 

Silver Spoon felt an unsettling wave of emotion rush through her. It was so eerie. She’d seen Diamond make that confident smirk at least two hundred seventy nine times before, but for the first time, it made her nervous.

"What are you talking about? We’ve got like the same life," she said, looking around to see if anypony else was in on the joke.

"Oh, good, so you see my point. Maybe now you can find your own instead of copying mine," Diamond said, giving her friend a quick wink that sailed straight over her head. 

"What?" Silver asked. "But we're friends." She tried in vain to read Diamond's face. "Aren't we?" 

Diamond just kept on smiling. "Of course we’re friends. Now be a good friend and shush, and if you need some help with that, just pretend we’re at school being taught something." Diamond looked to her speechless teacher to flash her a devilish grin.

"We ain’t bein’ taught nothin’ ‘cause you won’t be a good friend and shush!" Apple Bloom called out, defending her teacher again, who had now backed up to her desk, looking less cheery than most would say possible for the schoolteacher.

"I think you win the bet, Sthnips. I think the hath gone crathy," Twist said quietly from the back row, but not quietly enough.

Diamond laughed like the she had just been stealthily tickled, "Oh, that’s rich. No, that’s downright plush. The pony who keeps most of her spit running down other ponies’ faces thinks there’s something wrong with me."

"Oh, there’s something wrong with you," Scootaloo affirmed, "but science can only work so fast." Scootaloo’s comment was greeted by a light chuckle throughout the classroom, and the first scowl from Diamond since she'd walked in.

Diamond took her legs off her desk so she could reach into her backpack lying beside her on the floor. "Funny you should mention science," she cheekily replied as she pulled out an orange marker and a small blue textbook titled "Science Made Easy". Biting off the cap of the marker, she slammed the textbook on her desk, scribbled something on it with the marker, threw it on the ground, and slid it over to the orange pegasi with her hind leg.

Scootaloo looked down at the textbook that had slid right beside her desk. The cover was decorated with a number of white silhouettes of pegasi flying all over it with two of them cleverly appearing to be holding up the title. However, to keep the cover symmetrical, one appeared to be standing on the ground. It was the only one on the page that didn't appear to be flying, and it was also the one that had been colored a distinct shade of orange.

The tension in that room had become infernal. An Ursa Major could have stormed through that classroom without anypony noticing. As Scootaloo turned back towards her demented classmate, eyes filled with rage, embarrassment, and barely-contained tears, Diamond could tell she'd won as she propped her legs back onto her desk, matching Scootaloo's gaze with a despicable smile and the single malicious word, "Problem?"

Taking Scootaloo's fuming silence as an invitation to pile on the brattiness, Diamond continued, "Don't tell me you forgot about this too. We just went over gravity last week. Are you so dense that—"

Before the next derogatory word could be spoken, a purple hoof came crashing down onto Diamond's desk, making the filly almost lose her balance due to her laid-back posture. She was going to cash in a few more bratty points by criticizing her teacher’s clumsiness, but her tongue froze in her mouth as she spotted the reason her teacher had suddenly attacked her desk. 

Diamond’s tiara, still as perfect and shiny as she remembered it, had been rather aggressively placed square in the center of her desk.

"Class, we’re going to take a little recess right now," Cheerilee said, little emotion in her voice. "Everyone please go outside."

"But it’s only been five minutes, Miss Cheerilee," Sweetie Belle said, raising her hoof

"Yeah, and we still don’t know what’s under the sheet," Snails said.

"Just everyone go outside for a few minutes, please," Cheerilee said, her voice sounding like wind chimes in a storm. "I’ll show you all the surprise when you get back."

The class got up from their desks and made their way outside. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were the first ones out the door while Scootaloo was one of the last due to the constant supervision of her bucket. The small pegasus made sure Diamond knew exactly what she was thinking with one final glance before leaving the classroom. 

Silver Spoon gave her friend a look of sorrow and confusion as she followed the class out, which was countered by one of impatience and irritation. Eventually, she too walked out the door, and in a matter of seconds, only two ponies were left inside.

Diamond braced herself as Miss Cheerilee took a deep breath and turned back toward her. She couldn't completely tell what her teacher was thinking, but she had an idea where this conversation was about to lead. Everything was going perfectly. 

It was time to sort out this mess once and for all.