REPORT #55437
It all started on a warm summer evening.
Well, no. To be perfectly precise, we have to mention that two or three weeks previously, Twilight had remarked that she'd been feeling like she would turn into a diamond dog in the near future. Her friends had been a bit surprised by this statement, but Twilight couldn't explain why she had thought this, and she'd always had a bit of an eccentric reputation, especially since the so-called 'Want it, need it' incident. Besides, she herself hadn't made a big deal about it, so these words had been quick to fade into oblivion. Given what eventually happened, it is obvious they were at least a little important, but who could've guessed it back then?
But on that fateful summer evening, everything changed. Spike was away (in Canterlot, if memory serves), and Twilight wanted to make the most out of an evening without him around to interrupt her. This meant reading a book, a book about chemistry: she was reading a very complicated chapter about the effect of nitrofural on several useful bacteria on a molecular level. She started to suspect that, with the help of some clever and refined tweaks, she could modify the result of a key reaction. Her horn glowed in purple light as she tried to turn the pages; instead of the sound of gently moving paper however, she heard an abrupt zap, and she knew something had gone awry. Looking over herself, she found that she had turned into a diamond dog.
Naturally, she wasn't entirely sure at first. Lying on the floor of her bedroom, she couldn't have seen her whole body immediately, yet the gray furry paws which had replaced her front hooves told her that something wasn't entirely right. She stood up and went to find a mirror; this new body was quite strange at first, and as such, she tripped a few times, but eventually succeeded in her goal. Examining himself in the mirror (his new body was male), he was forced to realize that yes, he had indeed turned into a proper diamond dog. Fur, fangs, ears, tail, everything. Twilight Sparkle was a diamond dog.
The most bothersome change was the disappearance of his magical abilities. Diamond dogs are naturally mundane creatures, with no access to magical methods; for Twilight, who'd been magic incarnate (up until this day, of course) this was similar to losing a sensory organ and an extremity together. It is only understandable that this turn of events annoyed him a bit. Fortunately, diamond dog paws were entirely capable of executing delicate operations, like turning a page, so he could continue his research on the topic of the effects of nitrofural, but still, it just wasn't the same.
He speculated that, given the right quality and amount of certain agents, he could alter the effect of the chemical, creating a potent catalyst for plant growth. This discovery seemed quite interesting, as, assuming his new theory was right, it could lead to a six, or maybe seven percent increase in the vegetable yield compared to traditional cultivation. Needless to say, Twilight completely understood the significance of such a revolutionary scientific breakthrough.
Eventually however, he grew weary of reading, and decided to continue it the next day. On his way to the bed he remembered that Spike would be home by morning. Hopefully, with his help, it wouldn't be hard to sort out that evening's mess. His bed felt a bit too small for his new form, but it wasn't like he could do anything about it, so he bedded down as best he could, and fell asleep.
The next day Spike returned to the library. He was, naturally, a little surprised to find Twilight in the form of a diamond dog, but weirder things had happened in Ponyville before, so neither of them made a big deal out of it. It would have seemed rather childish, for that matter. In any event, Twilight could not explain what had happened to him, but even if he could it is unlikely that Spike, knowing next to nothing about magic, would have understood, so all was well.
Now obviously Twilight couldn't just stroll all over Ponyville in his new shape, so he and Spike agreed to tell everypony that Twilight had caught some highly contagious disease (hoof and mouth disease, but the exact illness isn't important, for it was only an excuse to prevent ponies visiting him). Spike, as a dragon, was immune to most pony maladies, so the cover seemed perfect. It is worth noting that, had Twilight really gotten something serious, Spike would most likely have carried the pathogens, so the situation in reality would not have been so safe, but that's neither here nor there.
After they finished discussing what needed to be done, Spike left to do the shopping (since Twilight was forced to stay home) and Twilight continued reading his chemistry book, casually scribbling down some notes as he proceeded through the text. Obviously, without magic, experimenting with alchemy had just become much more difficult, if not downright impossible, but this had not stopped Twilight. This may seem strange or surprising to an external observer, but don't forget that for him, it was the principle that mattered. So Twilight read; later Spike arrived home, did his chores around the house, prepared lunch, and they sat down to eat. Later he prepared supper too; they ate that as well, after which they went to bed.
And so Twilight continued to live as a diamond dog. It wasn't really that different from how he used to live: he woke up every morning, exchanged a few words with Spike, then started to study. He usually ate something at midday and in the evening, and really, that was about it. Just like the old days in Canterlot, when his days had consisted mainly of reading. Meanwhile, Spike did the jobs around the library and ran errands, but he was used to that, so basically the transformation caused nothing new for the duo, apart from the fact that Twilight couldn't leave the library anymore. But, to be fair, if he'd had to choose a building where he wanted to spend the rest of his life, it would've been a library. Perhaps not the Ponyville library, but it certainly could've been worse.
One of the matters that did worry Twilight was nourishment; it quickly became apparent, however, that the same food ponies consumed could sustain diamond dogs just as well (or at least Twilight. It's not entirely clear to this very day if his past as a pony affected his needs, but most experts believe it's unlikely). From time to time though, he felt strange urges to eat meat, and as such, Spike had to take care of acquiring some. On one occasion, he went fishing to provide Twilight with this much-desired meat. On another day he stole some bird hatchlings from the woods surrounding Fluttershy's cottage. Since Twilight, when exposed to longer time periods without meat, became prone to impatience and irritation (sometimes even Spike himself triggered his salivatory reflexes), Spike deemed it necessary, even if it technically counted as a crime. Admittedly, he was a little distressed, worrying if the guards would ever catch him, but as we know, this never happened.
After a long period of research, Twilight finally finished his project concerning nitrofural. Spike had been growing increasingly silent as of late, but it was no wonder, seeing that he couldn't have talked to anypony, as Twilight was too busy studying chemistry. On that particular morning, however, Twilight enthusiastically called for him. He had every reason to be satisfied, seeing as he had solved a difficult scientific problem. He told the news to Spike, who wasn't too impressed, but then again, what did Spike know about chemistry and magic? Twilight asked him to take a letter, and started to dictate. He had to stop a few times during its composition, as Spike didn't know how to spell several of the words, but eventually they were able to finish the letter.
(A copy of the the letter in question is attached herewith; for the original, please refer to the registrar on duty.)
Dear Princess Celestia,
I have recently conducted research on the topic of several chemical agents and their effects on plant growth. I am happy to advise you that one of them, nitrofural, is actually potentially able to act as a very powerful catalyst. In my reasonably modest estimation, I posit that (with some modifications) should it come to mass production, it could increase the yield of traditionally grown vegetables by at least five percent. Given the importance of this subject, I should be very glad if you could spare some time to discuss the details with me.
On another topic, I seem to have turned into a diamond dog four days ago through unknown means. Maybe you could turn me back? I'd seek you out personally, but with my current state I can't leave the library, so could you perhaps visit me? I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
P.S.: I have all the necessary notes and calculations needed for the mass-production of this new compound. Please, don't forget to consider its uses!
Spike sent the letter on its way with a flame of his magical fire; the princess' answer arrived almost immediately. She wrote that she was really fascinated by her student's discovery, and she would take all necessary steps to ensure its production once she received the formula and the accompanying documentation. Furthermore, she made it clear that, if the agent really proved to be useful, she would see to it that it would be named after Twilight Sparkle. (He was never one to boast, but this passage made him blush with pride.)
On the second topic, however, the princess advised patience. She was terribly sorry, but at the moment she was really buried under important state matters, and as such, she couldn't find the time to visit Twilight. (He nodded: this was nothing but understandable, given the responsibilities of the princess.) Consulting with her date calendar, however, the princess was happy to discover that she would be available on the following Saturday.
In the last paragraph, the princess once more thanked Twilight for writing, praised him for his brilliant scientific discovery, and expressed her hopes that her favorite student hadn't neglected his studies on the magic of friendship either. This made him worry – in the last four days, ever since his transformation, he hadn't seen any of his friends. It was Sunday; he decided that, since there were five days until the princess' visit, he would meet one of his friends on each day. He dictated a response to the princess, thanking her for the attention and assuring her that next Saturday would be perfect, then told Spike to go and find his friends, inform them about what had happened, and ask them to visit him over the course of the next week. And so Spike did.
Five days until the princess arrived.
***
On the first day, Applejack came. After arriving at the library, Twilight greeted her and expressed his apologies for misleading her with the false pretense of being ill. Though Applejack pointed out that she didn't like dishonesty, she also added that she was greatly relieved to find that her friend was healthy and had no serious troubles. After this initial exchange of words, Twilight offered a seat to his friend, and they continued their discussion.
So, Twilight had turned into a diamond dog, it seemed, Applejack said. Twilight could only agree, because indeed, that was the case. That was some story, Applejack carried on. Once again, Twilight agreed. And how was the life of a diamond dog, Applejack inquired. Could've been worse, Twilight answered. Applejack hemmed and hawed.
Twilight asked how Big Macintosh was. Applejack thanked him for the question and told him that her brother was fine. What about Apple Bloom, Twilight inquired further, also asking if she'd succeeded in getting her cutie mark. Apple Bloom was fine, Applejack said, though she hadn't gotten her cutie mark yet. It was not for a lack of trying however, as Applejack pointed out humorously. How was Granny Smith's hip doing, Twilight asked, to which Applejack answered by informing him that it was not too bad, but thanked him again for the concern.
Introducing another topic, Applejack mentioned that the weather was unusually good at that time of the year. Twilight concurred, adding that the pegasi had done an extraordinarily good job. Following this, the two proceeded to have a short chat about the weather team and the crop, after which they ran out of topics to discuss.
So, this was how it was, Applejack opined. Yes, it was, Twilight said. In Applejack's opinion, it was surely something. Yes, it was, Twilight said again.
Silence ensued, the kind of awkward silence where you know you have nothing more to say to your friend, yet neither of you wants to say it out loud, and you just keep looking at various things and sighing.
After a while, ever the straightforward one, Applejack stated that she still had some work left on the farm, and she should see to it. Naturally, Twilight Sparkle answered, asking her not to allow him to hinder her in her responsibilities. Applejack expressed her hopes that Twilight wouldn’t get upset if she left. Twilight replied that he wouldn't have minded, emphasizing that, at least in his opinion, it went without saying. Thus, after a mutual goodbye, Applejack left, and Twilight continued his studies.
Four days until the princess arrived.
***
On the second day, Rainbow Dash came. Her visit progressed rather similarly to Applejack's, but was shorter. Initially, she found what had happened awe-inspiring, but she was quick to see that it was nothing really extraordinary. After this realization, they made some small talk, mostly about the Wonderbolts' upcoming performance, the news of Spitfire discovering how she'd always been blind, as well as debating the merits of various Daring Do books, but speaking of Daring Do books made Rainbow Dash want to read some. Not that her now-diamond dog friend was boring, of course, but he always had been a bit of an egghead... So Rainbow Dash asked him if it was okay if she could go read. Twilight would've never been able to tell somepony not to read, so he agreed, and Rainbow Dash left him to read a Daring Do novel.
Three days until the princess arrived.
***
On the third day, Pinkie Pie came. She was very enthusiastic, or possibly not very enthusiastic. In Twilight Sparkle's opinion she acted enthusiastic, but it is possible that in the last six days, he had just become unused to Pinkie Pie's characteristic behavior, and as such we cannot come to a firm conclusion on this question.
Pinkie Pie insisted on organizing a celebration regarding Twilight's transformation. This may seem unusual, but we shouldn't forget that Pinkie Pie routinely prepares jubilations for the most mundane of reasons. After a long and repetitive (yet jovial in tone) argument, Twilight convinced her that it wouldn't be a good idea. This dispirited her, but only for a short moment, after which she rapidly proceeded to discuss the topic of various entertaining activities she'd planned to engage in with Twilight. Twilight usually preferred reading over such amusements, but this time he agreed, and spent the evening rather pleasantly – not that this was anything unusual in Pinkie's company, of course.
He even suggested a new game to try with his friend: rock-paper-scissors. Seeing that Pinkie only had hooves, but no hands, she was unable to choose anything but rock, and as such, Twilight won every round, but Pinkie didn't get upset, because she was a good friend, and they played happily together.
Eventually however, Pinkie Pie had to leave Twilight. They said farewell to each other, came up with some vague promises about repeating the activities in the near future, then parted ways.
Two days until the princess arrived.
***
On the fourth day, Rarity came. Upon seeing Twilight she indulged in a lengthy, theatrical lamentation about what had happened, but Twilight suspected she was only acting and, upon confronting her, she admitted that he was right: she just hadn't been able to miss the opportunity to attempt to gather some attention.
It has to be mentioned that Rarity arrived levitating a covered basket, the contents of which she intended to present to Twilight Sparkle as a gift. Upon removing the cover, he discovered that the container was full of gemstones. Rarity hoped Twilight was content with her present, though – as she admitted embarrassedly – she didn't know what diamond dogs actually did with gems. Twilight reassured her that it was all right, and that he didn't know what to do with them either for that matter, but he was still very happy for the gift, because any proper diamond dog needed gemstones, and so far he lacked any such accessories.
Following the aforementioned conversation, they both took seats and started a discussion while sipping some tea. Rarity appeared to be an expert on the local news, but Twilight found most of her long-winded gossiping superficial and too shallow to really arouse her interest. Regardless, they talked for approximately an hour (though it is worth noting that most of the time it was Rarity speaking). Afterwards, Twilight started to examine the gemstones Rarity had given him.
A rather awkward scene took place, however, as Twilight found that, while most gemstones seemed faultless, there was a flawed one amongst them. To be precise, his reflection on the defective stone’s surface appeared to follow his actions somewhat belatedly. Naturally, he didn't mention it, because he didn't want to embarrass Rarity by pointing out her gift was defective, but later Rarity herself noticed it as well. Seeing that Twilight hadn't mentioned it, though, she herself avoided commenting on it too. But as time went on, the situation just became more and more awkward, and as such, Rarity excused herself not long after she discovered the faulty gemstone. Relieved to end the embarrassing incident, Twilight quickly saw her out, then went to bed.
One day until the princess arrived.
***
On the fifth day, Fluttershy came. Out of all five visits, hers proved to be the most awkward. Some sources (that is to say, Spike, when he later related the events) claim that as soon as she sighted her friend, she burst into tears. She immediately hugged Twilight, sobbing uncontrollably into her friend's fur and, all in all, just acted simply incomprehensibly; it is no wonder, then, that Twilight felt rather embarrassed in her company.
After she calmed down (to a certain degree at least), she started to bombard Twilight with questions. What was it like to be a diamond dog? Did it hurt? No, Twilight answered, it was nothing special. When had he turned into one, Fluttershy asked. Nine days ago, Twilight replied. Fluttershy inhaled deeply and asked why he hadn't requested help. Twilight responded that he'd been too busy conducting chemical research. How could Twilight have possibly thought studying had been more important than turning into a diamond dog, Fluttershy wailed, calling her friend a 'poor dear' (sic). By this point, Twilight had realized that, for some reason (it was probably due to the traumatic experience she'd suffered in the past, when diamond dogs had kidnapped Rarity), Fluttershy was unable to think rationally. As such, he decided that he should have her removed from his locality, for her own good. He couldn't do it until Fluttershy composed herself however, so he answered her by saying everything would be all right.
How could Twilight say such a thing, Fluttershy asked, still in dismay, and why hadn't Twilight written to the princess yet? Twilight replied that he'd already informed the princess. What had happened, then, Fluttershy inquired, that the princess hadn't taken action? She started to speculate that maybe Princess Celestia had been unable to turn Twilight back, but he wasn't hesitant to point out that the princess had been simply too busy to come. Despite what one might think, this information didn't help Fluttershy to calm down; on the contrary, she appeared to be appalled, not comprehending how the princess could have viewed some political dispute as more important than the horror that had affected her so-called favorite student. Furthermore, Fluttershy generally criticized the overall behavior of Princess Celestia, deeming it cold and insensate. Twilight didn't wish to start arguing with his friend, who was obviously suffering from hysteria or some other neurotic disorder which prevented her from thinking logically, and just ended up telling her that the princess would visit him the next day. This seemed to slightly comfort Fluttershy. Taking advantage of this, Twilight quickly sent her home, asking Spike to escort her, as he was still afraid that something might happen to his distraught friend on her way home. Fortunately, however, they arrived to her cottage safe and sound.
The next day, the princess arrived.
***
On the sixth day, Princess Celestia came. After greeting the immortal Sun Goddess, Twilight asked if he could serve her some refreshments, but the highest ruler of ponykind politely declined, stating that she had already had some before she had left Canterlot.
After exchanging some more pleasantries, Princess Celestia brought up the topic of Twilight's discovery. Twilight showed her his research notes, giving a detailed explanation of how he had reached his conclusions and how they could be applied if the new compound were to be mass-produced. His teacher listened attentively, not being ungenerous with praise. They discussed chemistry and alchemy for hours; for a princess, she was suprisingly proficient in this branch of learning.
Eventually, however, the conversation turned to Twilight's new form. The princess cleared her throat; she seemed apologetic, or even embarrassed. She said that she, as the supreme authority of ponykind, simply couldn't allow ponies to turn into diamond dogs without warning. She asked Twilight to imagine what it would be like if every pony could simply transform into a monster; just imagine the effect on the public, she added. As his case seemed to be an isolated event, the best solution would be to remove him from the community, but she was sure that Twilight would understand, she said. Twilight nodded, because really, that made sense, and indeed that seemed to be the logical step. So, the princess apologized, and asked Twilight if banishing him to Tartarus would be a problem. Not at all, Twilight answered, and asked the princess to carry on. Princess Celestia apologized again for any potential inconvenience, saying that she wasn't happy that she had to do this, but, as Twilight surely knew, she had duties as a ruler. But of course, Twilight answered, pointing out that he was sorry he had to waste the valuable time of the princess.
Princess Celestia asked him if there was anything else she could do for him. Twilight hesitated, and asked if it would be possible that maybe, instead of Tartarus, perhaps the princess could banish him to the Moon? The princess smiled and said that while it was technically violating the rules, she could probably arrange it, but was Twilight sure he wouldn't be lonely on the Moon? After all, the princess said, at least there were other monsters in Tartarus to keep him company. Twilight answered that he would like to bring some books with him if possible, and apologized that he had asked the princess to break the law, but thanked her very much for her cooperation. Then, Princess Celestia said, they should begin. Twilight agreed.
At this point, however, the eavesdropping Spike interrupted, questioning the princess if she would really be willing to banish her favorite student to the Moon. Twilight rolled his eyes; this was incredibly rude of Spike, and even Spike himself felt that his question had been foolish, but the princess remained polite and, with a benevolent smile, she explained that this diamond dog wasn't really Twilight; Twilight was a unicorn whom she held dear, but this 'Twilight' was neither a unicorn nor did she hold him dear, therefore, he couldn't be Twilight. Twilight nodded, adding that he himself couldn't find any flaws in the princess' reasoning. Feeling embarrassed, Spike apologized and left. Then the princess banished the creature formerly known as 'Twilight Sparkle' to the Moon.
***
On the seventh day, the princess rested.
THE END