Yug Klat
“I’m Snails.”
“I’m Snips.”
“And I’m Spike. This is Guy Talk where we objectify females in a society dominated them for the sake of entertainment. We’re here with our producer, the sexy and vivacious, Vinyl Scratch.”
“Be careful, Spike. Flattery will get you everywhere.” Vinyl Scratch said as she winked in his direction.
“We’re also here with our oddest guest yet, Discord.” Spike announced.
“It’s really a pleasure to be here, Spike. I’ve been listening to your show for quite some time.”
“How could you listen to our show if you were trapped in stone?” Snails pondered aloud.
“It’s really quite an interesting tale. I actually owe my escape to your show. You see the gardener who tends to Celestia’s garden carries a radio on him while he works. After he feeds the animals, he tunes in to your show and takes a break near my statue. It was actually the chaotic energy generated from listening to your antics which allowed to me to escape.”
“So why aren’t you making everything crazy like you did last time?” Spike asked.
“Why should I waste my magic trying to enrich your boring, mundane lives? All I try to do is make the world a more fascinating place and I am unfairly branded as a villain for my contributions to society. If Equestria wants to live bland, simple lives devoid of any excitement, I won’t stop them.” Discord said holding his head up high.
“You can’t possibly think you were doing anyone a service with all the chaos you caused?” Spike remembered how Discord’s so called contributions nearly destroyed Twilight’s friendship. Discord suddenly took on a serious expression which seemed out of place for him.
“One day the ponies of Ponyville will realize that all Princess Celestia’s talk of harmony and friendship was nothing more than a distraction to keep them from realizing how banal and dull their lives are really are. A lie concocted by a leader who needed to keep her subjects in check by making them believe their boring little lives actually lead up to something. They’ll realize what’s going on as they’re drowning in a sea of repetitive routines and meaningless moments and look up with eyes devoid of any happiness or joy and shout ’Save us, Discord’… and I’ll look down and whisper……. ‘No’.”
The studio was completely silent for a moment as everyone looked at the draconequus with mixed emotions. It seemed like an eternity passed before Spike broke the silence.
“Okay, you’re certifiably and unequivocally the craziest person I have ever met. Who would be stupid enough to fall for such a load of-”
“He’s right! My life is pretty boring, especially when I’m in school.” Snips said.
“What if he’s right, Snips? We could become….. Boring!” Snails said panicking.
“Guys, your lives aren’t boring. We get into crazy situations every week on this show.” Spike told them.
“Don’t listen to him, boys. He works for Celestia. He’s too far gone, but I can save you.”
“Really? Do it! Save us!” Snips said excitedly.
“Please you have to save us!” Snails pleaded.
“Oh, Since you asked so nicely.” Discord snapped his fingers and the duo turned completely gray.
“What’d you do?” Spike said knowing the symptoms of his magic all to well.
“I merely freed them from themselves. Isn’t that right, boys?”
“Yes and not a moment too soon. I just realized this show for what it truly is.” Snips said speaking in a pretentious tone.
“You mean an puerile attempt to stroke the already waning egos of the male population with crude sexual humor and base objectification of the opposite gender.” Snails said using words he probably didn’t know the meaning of a second ago.
“Well put, Snails! Certainly the smartest thing ever said on this show!” Snips laughed.
“Not exactly hard considering what passes for content!” Snails quipped.
“Hey, you guys loved this show. Remember?” Spike said trying to get them to remember who they were.
“Oooh, it’s about to get good!” Discord said watching with gleeful excitement.
“I believe turnabout is fair play, Spike. Wouldn’t you agree, Snails?”
“Long has our friend held his superior intelligence over us, but I believe with Discord’s magic the tables have essentially been turned in our favor.”
“W-What are you guys talking about?” Spike asked.
“Oh, would you look at that? He doesn’t understand, Snails.”
“Shall I spell it out for our simple friend. Snips?”
“By all means, do enlighten our friend. Be sure to speak slowly though. We can’t have him getting confused.”
“We’re smarter than you which makes you the dumb one.” Snails explained slowly.
“I may have gotten frustrated with you guys, but I never made you guys feel bad about your intelligence. You’re acting like jerks.” Spike told them.
“Becoming defensive when faced with the truth. I daresay we should add immature to the list of Spike’s numerous deficiencies.” Snips responded.
“Spike has a point, guys. He never would’ve put you guys down like this.” Vinyl Scratch interjected.
“Ah yes, Vinyl Scratch! The one responsible for this debacle. I think my colleague will agree with me when I say you personify the very image of immaturity.” Snails said turning their attention towards her.
“Partying all night, encouraging these childish antics, and your choice in relationships. All indications of someone who coasts through life without any real forethought or planning.” Snips added.
“That’s not true! I mean I don’t really plan ahead, but it’s not like I’m coasting.”
“Really? Tell me what your plans are for you current relationship. Surely, you must have some idea whether or not you want to be with Octavia by now.” Snails queried. Vinyl Scratch looked more than a little flustered by the question.
“I mean…. Yeah, I want to be with her… We don’t really have any plans. We’re just playing it by ear you know.”
“Sounds suspiciously like coasting to me, Snips.”
“I agree, Snails.”
“Alright, I’ve had enough. Change them back.” Spike demanded.
“What? I can’t change them back. They have to want to go back to their old selves.” Discord explained.
“How long are they going to be like this?” Scratch asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. Anywhere from a few minutes to the day they die I guess.” The spirit said nonchalantly.
“Hmph! Why would we ever go back to being simpletons? “ Snips asked.
“I think they want us to go back to being stupid for the sake of this mind numbing excuse for entertainment, Snips.”
“Actually, Snails. I had an idea about how we could morph this show from the parade of ignorant ideas that it is into a proper tool to educate the people. We could talk about the economy, discuss classical literature, and politics. Things that actually matter.”
“A brilliant proposal!” Snails nodded.
“Did you hear that? Unless you want to discuss classical literature, I suggest you turn them back.” Spike told Discord.
“I suppose you have a point. While I can‘t change them back, I can tell you how to return them to normal. Simply remind them of who they were and they should go back to normal.” Discord explained.
“Can you believe it, Snips? They want us to go back to being twits so save this utter wreck they try to pass off as entertainment.”
“I wouldn’t worry, Snails. If I assume correctly, Spike would have to make us do something dumb in order to do that. With our collective intellect, it simply not feasible that such a thing could ever happen.” Snips and Snails laughed at the very idea of Spike even coming close to fooling them.
“You’re right, guys. There’s no way I could ever match you two in a game of wits. I just have one request.” Spike pleaded.
“Hmm, you gave up rather easily. I find myself rather wary of your request.” Snips said leery of Spike’s surrender.
“All I ask is that you answer one question. Who‘s hotter: Rainbow Dash or Applejack?”
“Are you really going to be that transparent, Spike? Do you really mean to get us to fall for such an obvious ploy?” Snails laughed.
“Yes, even I thought you were better than that.” Snips balked.
“I guess we’ll just agree that Rainbow Dash is way better. So what do you guys want to discuss first on the new show?”
“Hold on a second! I’m not arguing, but I’d just like to say that there is no clear consensus on the matter. We shouldn’t just make assumptions.” Snips said.
“That discussion is over, Snips. Spike already announced an end to the matter and we both agreed to let things lie as they were.”
“Balderdash, we said Spike’s plan was idiotic. I don’t recall ever agreeing that Rainbow Dash was anywhere near as beautiful as Applejack. Quite frankly, the very idea that Rainbow Dash could even hold a candle to the golden maned vision of elegance and radiance that is Applejack.” Snails looked angrily at his friend.
“You forget yourself, sir! Rainbow Dash is a wondrous vixen who graces the sky with her magical presence. Your Applejack is nothing more than a dusty, old bumpkin.” Snips looked incensed at Snails’ comment.
“You’ve insulted Applejack and besmirched my honor. Have at you, sir!” The small colt said jumping at Snails as the two wrestled on the floor they started to turn back to their original colors.
“Are you guys okay?” Vinyl Scratch asked.
.
“I will be as soon as Snails admits he‘s a jerkbutt.” Snips said rolling on the floor with his opponent.
“Nuh-uh! You’re the jerkbutt, jerkbutt!” Snails shot back as he tried to get his opponent in a head lock.
“Thank the princess. Don‘t ever change again, you two.” Vinyl Scratch said relieved to have them back.
“Bravo, Spike. You managed to turn your friends back to normal and you didn’t even use magic impressive.” Discord said as he applauded Spike’s effort.
“Try to refrain from tricking my friends in the future.” Spike told the creature.
“Oh come on! How could I resist playing with their heads? They‘re so…. simple!”
“Whatever, let’s get to the questions.” Spike sighed.
“Ready, guys?” Vinyl Scratch asked. The two colts immediately stopped fighting and jumped into their chair.
“Three, two, one. It’s the question of the day!” The two of them shouted with their usual fanfare.
“Our first question comes from Rodrigo again for Discord. Which plot do you find very sexy in Ponyville and why?”
“A good question! I’ve always found Applejack’s plot to be pretty huge and bountiful, but I must say that no plot really blows me away like Princess Celestia’s. I’ve never experienced one as soft and well taken care of as her’s. I could really put all sorts of thing in her plot.”
“Wait? What’s a plot?” Snips asked.
“It’s obviously a small piece of land on which one grows fruit and other forms of vegetation. Celestia’s always had a green hoof. Gardening was one of the many hobbies we used to share.”
“But he asked which plot you found sexy? Are you telling me you find small tracts of land devoted to gardening sexy?” Spike asked. Discord chuckled at Spike’s statement.
“Well, we weren’t the most conventional gardeners.”
“So you had a thing with Celestia? What was that like?” Snips asked.
“Ahh, It was quite some time ago. We were different people back then. A couple of incredibly powerful beings trying to find a little excitement.” Discord said fondly remembering the good times.
“What happened between you two? Things obviously didn’t end well if you ended up as an ornament in her garden.” Spike noticed his query made Discord’s happy expression fade away turning to a darker, angrier one.
“Luna.” The draconnequus growled.
“You don’t sound like you particularly care for Celestia’s sister?” Snips said.
“It’s because of her everything fell apart. I’m sure you heard the official version of what happened. I went mad and the Royal Pony Sisters had to use the Elements of Harmony to stop me, but there’s more to it than that. I didn’t just wake up and decide to take over on a whim. I was pushed.”
“Pushed?” Spike wondered aloud.
“I should start at the beginning. When I met Celestia, she was nothing like the mare you know today. She was wild, impetuous, and absolutely untamable. In other words, she was everything I looked for in a romantic partner. We immediately hit it off and began a whirlwind romance that made us practically inseparable. It was perfect, except for one thing.”
“Luna?” Snails guessed.
“It seemed like the closer we got, the more she began to object our relationship. At first I assumed her feelings came from the way I encouraged Celestia’s wild nature, Luna was always a stick in the mud. She said I was an unbalanced psychopath with no regard for balance and order.”
“Aren’t you?” Spike said.
“That’s beside the point! We were in love. Who we were didn’t matter as long as we were together. I never saw her as someone who went against everything I believed in but the mare who took my heart. Luna didn’t see it that way and gave her an ultimatum. Either she cut off all contact with me or Luna would do it for her.”
“Wait, I thought Celestia and Luna both needed the Elements of Harmony to stop you. How could Luna stop you alone?” Spike asked.
“A common misconception. It takes more power to contain a powerful creature, but if you were trying to silence the creature altogether, it would be a simple enough task for a pony of Luna‘s skill to handle alone.”
“Are you saying that Luna was willing to kill you if Celestia didn’t break up with you?” Snips asked.
“She really didn’t agree with our relationship.”
“What happened next?” Snails asked.
“Isn’t it obvious? Celestia dumped me in order to appease her sister. She said she did it to protect me, but she could have just as easily stood up to her little sister.” Discord’s sad monologue took a twisted turn as the creature’s frown morphed into a maniacal smile.
“That was when I decided to take matters into my own claws. If I took over Equestria, Celestia would answer to me and it wouldn’t matter what Luna thought because I would have flung her to the deepest, darkest black hole I could find. I would remove all harmony from the universe and we live together in a random world of my own design.” Discord raved.
“Isn’t that going a little too far? It sounds like you were planning to unfurl the very fabric of the universe because your girlfriend broke up with you.” Spike said summing up his plan.
“I’m sorry, Spike. How many times has your heart been dashed to the pieces by the love of your life?”
“Umm, no.”
“Then I guess you don’t really know what you’re talking about, do you?” Discord said in a patronizing tone as he patted the young dragon’s head.
“I still don’t see how throwing Celestia’s sister into a black hole and turning the universe into a swirling vortex of never ending crazy was supposed to get her back.”
“Honestly, I thought it was rather sweet of him, if a little misguided.” A familiar voice said as a bright light flashed and a pristine white figure stood before them.
“Princess Celestia!” Everyone said dropping to their knees except for one figure who had his arms crossed and his face scrunched into an angry expression.
“Oh, did somepony pop into the room? It suddenly got very stuffy in here.” Discord sniped.
“Hello, Discord. How have you been?” Celestia asked.
“It’s funny you should ask. I have this incredibly stiff neck from being trapped as a lawn ornament for a thousand years!”
“You forced my hoof, Discord. You tried to destroy the balance twice. You know-”
“It’s your duty! I’ve heard it all before.” Discord pouted as memories of the breakup speech came flooding back, “What do you want? Are your little elements too busy to do your dirty work?” He sneered.
“I see no reason to do such a thing. This is the first time in awhile we’ve been able to talk without a layer of stone between us or you trying to overthrow me. I was hoping we could come to an understanding. Things have changed, Discord. More importantly, Luna has changed.” Discord clapped sarcastically.
“And I guess this is the part where I get all giddy and we get back together. You‘ll have to excuse me if I don‘t jump back into your hooves.” the draconnequs said drolly.
“I know you‘re angry, but you must understand that everything I did was for us.”
“Really? It look like you were letting your little sister dictate our relationship. How do I know Luna won‘t change her mind again? How do I know you won‘t break my heart because your sister told you to?”
“Because after we sealed you away, everything changed with Luna. It caused a rift between us. I began to resent Luna afterwards. The strain it put on our relationship caused my sister to become Nightmare Moon. Breaking up with you made things worse, not better.”
“So Luna won’t get in our way again, but why should I come back?” Discord asked. Celestia just smiled and said two words that made Discord’s attitude change completely.
“The room.” Discord looked at Celestia with piqued interest.
“You don’t mean that room?” He asked stepping forward in front of Celestia.
“It’s still there. I preserved it just for you.”
“The hooks are they-”
“Extremely rusty and sharp as ever.”
“What about the scale?”
“Ice cold. Just the way you like it.” Discord took her hoof in his claw and smiled.
“Are you still as good with a scalpel as I remember?” He asked leaning in.
“Even better.” She said looking into his eyes.
“Well, it’s been nice, but I really must be going, boys. Shall we?” He said as the two of them teleported away.
“What just happened?” Snails asked after they left.
“And what involves rusty hooks, an ice cold scale, and a scalpel?” Snips added.
“I think it’s best not to think too deeply about it. Anyway, I think that’s it for this show. Unless…” Spike turned towards the door and stared at it.
“What are you doing?” Snips asked.
“This is the moment when someone busts the door open and demands to be the next guest on our show.”
“Don’t worry about that, Spike. We’re not having a guest for our next show. We‘re having our first radio contest.”
“Oh, that’s a relief! What are we doing? Giving away tickets or something.” Spike said taking his eyes off the door and relaxing.
“Even better! I call it ‘Dream Date with A Dragon’. It should generate a lot of buzz for the show.” Vinyl Scratch said excitedly.
“Well, that’s nice. We could always…. ” Spike stopped as the entirety of her statement began to sink in. “Ummm, what was the name of that contest again?”
“Dream Date with A Dragon.” Vinyl repeated cheerfully.
“Please tell me you know another dragon.” Spike groaned.
“Only the one.” She smiled.
“I don’t have a choice in this, do I?” He sighed heavily.
“You’re contractually obligated so I’m going to have to say no.”
“I really should have a lawyer look that thing over.” The dragon said pushing his face into his palms.
“Hey, what are we going to do?” Snips asked.
“The three of us are going to be judges to decide who goes out with Spike. Each filly is going tell us why they should go on the date and we’re going to judge their answers. It’s going to be so much fun.”
“So not only do I have to go on a date with a complete stranger. I can’t even help decide who it is.” Spike groaned.
“Don’t worry, Spike. I’ll make sure the filly we pick definitely puts out.” Snips assured him. Spike just sighed.
“That’s not really the problem.”
“Yeah, she’s got to be nice too.” Snails added.
“That’s not it either.”
“She also has to be fun to be around. Spike can’t date someone boring.” Vinyl Scratch commented. Spike threw his claws up in frustration and just gave up as the three of them discussed qualities they thought the winner should possess.
“Whatever! I’d like to thank and apologize everyone who listened. This is Guy Talk signing off.”