Chapter 9 - For Love and Hate
They wanted to be afraid of her? They wanted to fear her?
Fine.
Let the simpering foals cower.
The magisterium as a whole had been much more docile. Twilight had summoned the ponies to a private audience so that she would be able to explain herself. They would understand. Her knight protector had been recovering from a serious injury, and her student had just been put in the ground. They had heard the things that Night Walker had said. Anypony in her position would have been angry.
But then she had looked into their faces.
Apologizing to Blueblood for her outburst earlier in the year had been the right thing to do. She had been in the wrong then, and so had tried to correct the situation. It was unfortunate that the unicorn had remained skittish around her after her apology, but ultimately, she could not control if the noble would be nervous around her.
This was different.
She had done nothing wrong this time. Yes, she had been angry, but what pony would not be in her situation. She had quelled her anger and responded in a reasonable and controlled manner. They feared the magic she had been gathering. Twilight was, of course, concerned with how close she had been to losing control. She had nearly done something unforgivable.
The princess looked over the last eight months and recognized that she had become less emotionally stable. Unfortunately, she did not know if it was a result of her transformation from being a unicorn, or simply all the accumulated stress over the years. Ultimately, it did not matter. One way or another, Twilight would need to learn to deal with it. She needed to be in control of herself.
However, she had - in the end - done nothing wrong at Night Walker’s sentencing. She had nothing to apologize for. Princess Twilight Sparkle was Equestria’s protector. No good pony had any reason to fear her. If her years of service to Equestria did not demonstrate that, she did not know how to convince the magistrate.
She had nothing to explain to the ponies.
Looking at the fear in their eyes, she instead felt herself wondering if they were even still useful. Certainly it had been nice not to argue every budget decision with Blueblood, but he had approved a few expenses that, in retrospect, were not smart uses of Equestria’s treasury. Unfortunately, Twilight did not know everything. She was far from infallible. The princess relied on the varied viewpoints of the ponies on the magistrate. Their opinions balanced her own. Though she had not realized it until that moment, Blueblood’s fear had made him useless to her.
The question Twilight needed to ask herself, was the rest of the magistrate now equally as useless?
In the end, she had explained that she had decided it would be a good idea to establish branch schools of Canterlot’s academy for gifted unicorns in both Manehatten and Trottingham. It was something most of the magistrate had been opposed to because of the cost. Twilight, however, thought that further encouraging magical education was important. Without Moon Dreamer she would need to find another pony to finish his work.
Ultimately her decision was a test. She knew that it was not the time for opening new schools. As much as she had been taken with the idea, the other ponies had been right when they had objected it. There was simply no room in the budget. If the magistrate could still be trusted to do what they knew was right, they would oppose her. They would bring up all the old reasons why Equestria could simply not afford it.
Not a one did. They all simply nodded in agreement.
‘What an excellent idea your Majesty.’
‘Yes, this would be the perfect time for new schools.’
‘Magically gifted unicorns all over Equestria will surely benefit.’
She had promptly dismissed them.
If they did not get over their fear, something would need to be done. Twilight needed ponies willing to voice their opinions, not simpering yes-ponies. Perhaps the magistrate would need to be replaced.
The nobility would not be happy.
She would give the magistrate some time. Perhaps they were still just getting over her near outburst.
Her decision to exile Night Walker had not been accepted easily by someponies. Ponies killing ponies was still too new for many to comprehend. While it was not unheard of in Celestia’s rule, it had most often simply been some variant of ponyslaughter, accidental or done in a moment of irrationality. Those had been the years of harmony.
Most ponies, however, supported her decision. Why should Equestria feed and shelter such horrendous criminals in prison, while good, hard working ponies were going hungry. Some ponies however, thought she had been too lenient. They suggested adopting the griffon punishment for murder.
Twilight shuddered as she ceased her pacing.
She did not want to be feared. Why did they have to fear her?
There was a line.
In some cases she was worried where the line was, in this case she was not. The alicorn hoped that she would never need to cross it. Twilight could not conceive of a situation in which taking another pony’s life would be the right thing to do - even if it was for all the best reasons.
‘No.’
It was unmade.
The monster had been different. It had killed Celestia. It had been a thing, not a pony. Destroying the thing HAD been the right thing to do.
It distressed her that the dreams had been plaguing her while waking. That had been something she had thought she was over three decades ago. It would pass. All things would.
Still, she wondered. What would have happened if she had cast that spell at Night Walker. Would it have done what she thought it was supposed to do? Would it have changed things, brought Moon Dreamer back? Would that have justified killing the pony?
Perhaps.
Would it even count as killing if the pony had never existed?
That was a tough question.
Twilight briefly thought about how Night Walker was doing. The lavender alicorn wondered if the northlands would see justice served out in full. She remembered the pony's words. He had enjoyed the murder. How could something like that be possible?
The princess wondered what it would feel like to take another pony’s life.
The alicorn sighed in frustration. She was far too tense. She was feeling the weight of the burden of royalty. As poorly as she had been sleeping before, she would sell her crown if she could go back to those nights.
To say she had not been sleeping well since Moon Dreamer’s death would be an understatement.
Twilight levitated over a cup of tea. She had been drinking more of it recently, but she needed the energy for her studies. As it floated towards her it jittered in midair as if being moved by an untrained foal. The tea would calm her nerves. The cup tipped over midway to her, spilling its contents on the rug. With a burst of magic, Twilight flung the cup in frustration, feeling no satisfaction at the crash that followed.
A guard pony stuck his head in at the noise.
“Princess?”
The royal guard was nervous, but there was no fear in his face. If anything, he was afraid for his princess, not of her. What did it matter if the magistrate feared her as long as the rest of her ponies still loved her?
“Nothing to worry about, I simply dropped my tea cup. If you could send someone to clean up the mess. I will also need some more tea leaves from sent up from the kitchens... However, I think I will be heading to the sun study.”
Princess Twilight Sparkle teleported out of her study.
Twilight stood where she materialized as she thought of one of her meetings from earlier in the day.
“Thank you very much Professor Cold Ice. Cloudsdale does miss you. However, I’m glad you’ve been enjoying your retirement and hope you continue to do so.”
The pegasus had bowed gratefully before exiting her study.
The pony's visit had been a simple follow up meeting. After Moon Dreamer’s death, Twilight had canceled her original meeting with the professor. However, the next week she had gone to the professor's office in Cloudsdale to talk with the elderly weather expert in person. By the time she left, he had decided that his paper had been in error and that it was perhaps time for him to retire. Best of all, he was convinced it was all his own idea.
All it had taken was the right words in the right place. She had mentioned how thrilled she was to see him publishing such a controversial paper, how proud she was that he was not worried about that it would affect his pension if he were to be stripped of tenure, that she had been unable to get all of his math to balance out for her, but she would be glad to support him no matter what academic fire he came under.
Perhaps she was a bit heavy hoofed, but part of her hoped that it was a skill she would never have the chance to develop further.
Apparently the professor was now enjoying life in coastal village. Who would have guessed the pegasus would like to surf?
More importantly it had never been published.
Nopony would ever know.
Twilight would need to be vigilant of course. If one pony had figured it out, so could another. Sooner or later, another pony would put together the pieces. Perhaps there were funds to start a renovation of the Canterlot libraries. It would be a shame if all of the old climate data was lost in the confusion.
The ugly feeling she had after first meeting with the pegasus researcher had returned. She was doing it to protect her little ponies. Mothers and fathers did the same thing all the time, telling their foals fantastic made up stories. She remembered when she first found out that Santahooves was just a tale. If anything Twilight had even more justification in her lie than the parents of Equestria. Celestia had done the same thing to her.
However, the worst thing was that now she could not stop considering the possibilities. Would it really do her ponies any good to remember Luna and Celestia, or would it just cause them grief as they pine for what they could never again have? Perhaps it would be best if Equestria actually forgot what a moon even was. That recent editorial about her new tax policy - did it really help anypony to read things like that?
It would be all too easy to control and manipulate. The temptation was far too insidious.
And it was wrong.
She could not allow herself the luxury of following her heart, but that did not mean it was not wrong.
She knew that. There was a line somewhere, she just was not sure where it was. Twilight had been able to justify burying the climate report - she could always release it if she changed her mind - but manipulating the press seemed on a different magnitude.
She had done it for Moon Dreamer. His death had shown her that she could not be soft. She needed to do what was right for Equestria, not what her heart said was right. She knew now that she could justify her actions based on her goals, and that terrified her.
Twilight wanted to talk to Applejack.
Unfortunately, the farm had been especially busy so that the earth pony had not visited in the last two months. The fallout of Spike's return had also prevented her from leaving Canterlot. His wound pointed towards an unknown enemy. She needed to be prepared.
However, that did not mean she could not use a little bit of advice from the element of honesty. She shook her head.
“No, that’s why I came here.”
Twilight did not even spare a glance for the blankets on the bed which had not been touched in the months since Moon Dreamer’s death. She did however make enough noise so that the guards would know she was inside. It would not do for the palace to into an uproar at her disappearance.
She had instructed the guard that nopony, not even Daily Vigil or Rainbow Dash, was to enter without her explicit permission. It was the one chamber in the city that no other pony was to enter. Twilight looked at the ancient doors with their sun carvings and knew that the layers of magic within the wood would keep intruders out. She activated the spell that would tell her if anypony knocked no matter where in Canterlot she was.
The room was more crowded than ever. She had acquired a copy of every newspaper or magazine in the library archives that had mentioned Princess Celestia. The desk was plastered with every letter written by her mentor that Twilight could find. A large number of them had been letters Twilight herself had saved. There were a few long scrolls where ponies that had known the Princess had related their memories at her request. On top of the pile was diary one hundred thirty seven. That book had proven particularly useful. Twilight herself looked at a long checklist of her own memories of Celestia. Just the other day she had checked the last one off.
The chamber had proven useful after Moon Dreamer’s death. The room served as an excellent cover for when she wanted to leave the Palace. In particular it made it easier to go to a very special place.
She teleported once again when she heard the guards shifting in response to her noise. She smiled as she imaged them jumping to attention. Twilight did not like antagonizing her guards, they were loyal and good ponies. However, that did not mean they did not sometimes humor her with their antics.
She rematerialized in another chamber. This one had no doors, or windows, or exits of any kind. The only way in or out was through magic, and Twilight was the only pony who even knew it existed. She had carved the room herself, deep within the Canterhorn mountain far beneath Canterlot.
After Moon Dreamer’s death, she had wanted somepony to talk with. Spike had been moody, Rainbow Dash busy with the guard, and every other pony seemed occupied with something. If she had told Applejack or Rarity that she needed to talk, her friends would have made time, but she did not want to place a burden on anypony. Besides, it was a very specific pony that she wanted to talk to. She had wanted to talk the pony for a very long time.
Twilight had also realized that she was becoming lost. Exiling Night Walker, keeping the illusion of her moon a secret, and burning the Cloudsdale report had been the right things to do for Equestria.. But they were were not the right things to do. She knew that the distinction was important and did not want to forget it.
She had been inspired by a gift she had made for Moon Dreamer when he was a younger pony. A few years after he had become her student, he had become obsessed with a popular series of novels geared towards young stallions. She had created a magical illusion of the characters acting out the events in the book. At the time, it had occurred to her that the illusions could be made interactive, however she had not pursued it at the time.
“My dearest Twilight.”
The lavender alicorn turned towards the source of the voice. There in the center of the room, Princess Celestia was standing. Twilight allowed the white alicorn to trot over and embrace her in a hug. The feeling of her mentor's body was numb and without warmth.
It looked like her teacher, only it was not Princess Celestia.
“What’s wrong my faithful student?”
But the creation was not just a figment of her imagination. That alone made it infinitely better than the dream Celestia made of pillows back in the Sun Chamber.
“There are ponies who are afraid of me.”
Twilight looked around at the glowing runes that covered nearly every inch of stonework in the chamber. They were the only source of light. It had not taken much of an investment of energy, but had required a lot of time and concentration to create.
“Why would ponies fear you Twilight? You’re a wonderful pony.”
The Element of Magic laid down on the ground and curled up in a tight ball. Celestia sat down next to her and laid her head across Twilight’s back in an act of comfort. She could not feel Celestia’s fur, just the slight tingle of magical energy. She would need to do some more research before she would be able to get the tactile sensation down.
“I got angry... I made them afraid of me. I don’t want to be feared.”
It was real. She just had to keep telling herself that.
“Oh Twilight...”
Celestia paused for an unnaturally long period of time, a blank look on her face. Something seemed to click, and then she continued. The reaction time needed to be improved. Twilight thought some of the more recent modifications would have fixed that.
“Anypony would be foalish to fear you. You only want the best for Equestria. What do you think you can do to show them that?”
The thing was just an illusion. Twilight knew that. Celestia was dead.
However, the princess of Equestria needed comfort. If she could find comfort from an illusion born of her own mind - well that was fine. Twilight had not told anypony about this side project; she was worried nopony would understand. Of course she could not expect them to understand when she was not entirely certain herself, but she knew they would be upset. She was not a crazy pony.
“I’m not sure. Since they fear me, I don’t think they will listen to what I say...”
“Are words the best option?”
This illusion of Celestia was a facsimile. It was a magically created construct - nothing more than a mirage. The runes on the walls sustained and powered the image. They dictated every aspect of the fake Celestia’s behavior.
There was no real intelligence or emotion here. It was all just an act. The responses were all pre-programmed based on a detailed series of patterns and algorithms. This Celestia may have been incredibly complex, but it was just a complicated version of a foal’s toy. Still, it was a comforting toy.
“Maybe... Maybe not. You’re right. Ponies will know I am kind by my actions, not my words. Any pony can say nice things, but it takes a strong pony to do the right thing. I will show them they don’t need to fear me. I need to be strong for Equestria.”
“You’re going to be strong?”
Twilight had poured all her memories of her mentor into the illusion. Everything that this Celestia was had been dictated by Equestria’s only living alicorn. The logic pathways of the runes had been difficult to work out, often times the illusion would default to just repeating something Twilight had said in the form of a question. Surprisingly, it was not much different than the real Celestia in that regard.
“Yes.”
Celestia gave her a comforting nuzzle before Twilight stood up feeling some of her confidence restored.
“I’m so proud of you my faithful student.”
There was only one memory of Celestia that Twilight had not programed into this fake. She had omitted the Princess’s last words. They were her most precious memory. She would not give them over to this illusion.
It was hard. Seeing Celestia again, but knowing it was not her, simply made the old wound all the worse. But it did help numb other pains. In the short run, at least, this was a preferable alternative to being alone. Still, she would not be able to stand hearing the magical construct saying those words. So, she had kept them to herself.
But there was one reason she had created this Celestia that was more important than all the others. She had been forgetting her mentor. Twilight had told Applejack that her teacher had been her compass. It had been true then and it was still true. However, the lavender alicorn had been losing touch with those memories. With each passing day they had begun to seem more and more insubstantial. It was like they had begun to drift away into a fog.
She knew that she was losing herself. Twilight could not even remember what her own appearance looked like. It had been months since she had last gazed into her reflection. This hidden stone chamber was her fail safe. She would not forget why she was fighting for Equestria.
Twilight teleported back to her meditation chamber. Her resolve was strengthened and her decision made. She would prove herself to the magistrate through love and tolerance.
If they continued to insist on fearing her?
Well, then perhaps she would give them a real reason.