//------------------------------// // Behold, blessed slaughter // Story: Halo man in Equestria 2: Return of the Humps // by Good Christian Ethesto //------------------------------// One hump. Two hump. Red hump. Blue hump. After my epic victory over that laser firing whore known as 'Trixie', the crowd was quick to disperse, going back to their daily pony lives. Lives full of happiness and the eating of gross hay and hay products. Clearly strange stuff happened so often here that this didn't even phase them. Well, they all left except one unicorn who, instead of doing normal unicorn things, just sat there on her haunches staring at me like I'm made of glue or something. In case you failed high school biology or you have a stupid brain, I'll explain something to you real quick-like. Halos are made out of a lot of things, and not a single one of them is glue. So what I'm saying is: I most certainly am not made of glue. I looked around a bit to see if she was perhaps staring at something really interesting behind me, but there didn't appear to be anything stare-worthy there. That left me as the soul target of her brutal eye assault. Seeing no other alternative, I took a few steps closer to this unicorn. Unfortunately, now that I was closer I could see that what I previously thought about her stare was entirely wrong. This was the stare of a lioness with a meat fetish, sitting in the grass, looking at the carcass of a dead wildebeest; unsure if it should eat it or violate it or perhaps a mixture of both. The problem is, I'm the meat here. Now, I get a lot of looks from both ladies and men alike on account of my mind-blowing good looks, so I'm used to it, but this was a little uncomfortable even for me. I felt molested by her eyes as they probed each angle and curve of my body. Nothing was sacred, and I caught myself wishing that I had worn my less-revealing halo armor today. Don't get me wrong, halo armor isn't promiscuous in the slightest, but with an undressing stare like the one I was receiving, not even armor could protect my juicy body from scrutiny. Now, I appreciate being appreciated as much as the next guy, but this was simply too much. I'm not eye candy, and I'm not just saying that because eye candy isn't a real thing. Like, you can't eat candy with your eyes. That would just hurt! Deciding that I wanted no more of this, I walked the rest of the way over to the unicorn until she had to crane her neck to see my visor. "Can I help you with something?" I asked, unable to keep all the frustration out of my voice. She opened her mouth to give what was no doubt going to be a nobel-prize-winning response, but then closed it without saying anything. It took a few moments, but finally she spoke, albeit without even a proper sentence. "Humans." I briefly wondered whether or not she had some debilitating brain defect and that talking to her would only waste my time, but I pushed those thoughts aside for now. What she said simply didn't make sense. And I'm not saying that from a grammatical standpoint, I'll have plenty of opportunities in the future to be a grammar nazi so I can ignore this one time. What I mean is: why would she say 'humans'? From what I've seen, those don't even exist here. I mean, the ponies haven't even mentioned humans once since I got here. That just begs the question of how she even knows what that is. Perhaps she was just spouting words and what she said sounded similar to 'humans'. Of course, I can sit here speculating what she meant forever, or I can just ask her. "You want to go ahead and speak a full sentence?" I questioned, letting my distaste for single-word sentences become known. "You're a human, aren't you?" She asked back, revealing that she is capable of basic speech. Sadly, since she isn't retarded, it would be rude to just walk away now and therefore I have to engage in a dumb conversation. "No, no, no. I'm a halo." Seeing her confused stare, I felt the need to clarify. "There's a distinct difference between halos and humans, namely that halos are better in every way. Some people speculate that halos evolved from humans, but they're all heretics that should be burned at a stake. I'm a firm believer that Bungie, the sky wizard, used his god magic to create halos in his own image. So no, I'm not a human." I answered, perhaps giving too many personal details in the process. Excuse me if I like bringing up and sharing my religious beliefs with random strangers. What kind of Bungieintologist would I be if I didn't? "What?... Wait. You're saying that humans exist?" Okay, maybe she is retarded. I just can't decided. She keeps saying stupid shit! Why would she ask me if I am something, then ask me if that something exists? I fail to see the logic there. "Well duh. Why would you ask about them if they didn't exist? That's just dumb." I pointed out, using the comparatively large concentration of gray matter nestled inside my aching brain meats to connect information logically. "But humans are just a myth!" She pointed out, and succeeding in confusing me even more. "Alright, hold your horseshoes for a second here." It's ironic because shoes are for people, not horses. "You ask if I'm a human, then you say that humans are just a myth? Do you go around asking everyone you see if they're a mythical creature? Because if you do, I'd suggest seeking psychiatric help. I mean, really? Do you, like, meet someone new on the street and just straight up ask them if they're a dragon or something?" Now she was giving me a stare like I was the stupid one. "Why would I ask someone if they're a dragon? Everypony knows what a dragon looks like. I mean, just last season during the dragon migration we saw hundreds of them." My mind=blown. "Woah wait!" I stopped her before she could go on. "Dragons are real?" "Well duh." She said back, using the same snide remark I used no more than five exclamations ago. Okay, now she was just bein' a bitch. Despite her certainty that dragons exist, I fail to see how that's possible. I mean, if they're anything like I'm imagining they shouldn't work biologically. Whatever, she's probably high on pony marijuana or something, so I'll just disregard whatever she says. I'll believe in dragons as soon as I see one for myself. Deciding to get back to the topic at hand instead of talking about flying, non-dinosaur reptiles, I brought the conversation back on track. "Anyway, I came over here in the first place to inquire as to why you were ocularly raping me. You want to explain that, or should I bring it up with my lawyer?" I hope she doesn't call my bluff. It'll be so embarrassing if she realizes I don't even have a lawyer. "I was just looking at you because I thought you were a human. I knew they existed, but everypony says I'm insane." I nodded at her, agreeing that she is insane. Unfortunately, she took it as a sign to continue. "My parents put me in an asylum when I was fourteen years-old. They did some freaky stuff to my mind, but I never stopped believing in humans." "Yeah, I didn't ask for your life story..." I was wrong, this pony isn't mentally disabled, she's just insane. Either way, I want nothing to do with her. At least I think it's a her, I still have trouble discerning pony genders. "Anyway, I'm just going to go do more productive things with my time now. Bye." "WAIT!" I didn't even have the chance to turn around before she was latched onto my legs with her tentacle-like appendages giving me the most heart-brutalizing pair of puppy dog eyes I have ever seen. Thankfully, as a halo, I don't have a heart. "I need to know about humans! Tell me everything about them!" It clearly wasn't a question, and I'm not one to take orders. I was about to simply back hand her into submission, as back hands solve all my problems, when a delicious thought penetrated my brain flesh. Why not tell her all about my experiences with humans? What could possibly go wrong? I could hardly keep myself from letting out a stereotypical villain laugh as I thought about how amazingly evil my plan was. "It all started on a little planet called 'Beach'..." Over two hours passed of me telling her about every shooting, serial killing, mass murdering, and genocide I had ever taken part in. Believe me, there's a lot to tell. As a halo, it's my job to literally kill everything that moves. It's why Bungie created us and bestowed upon us the gift of firearms. Now I was telling her one last story that had happened quite recently. On some big ol' human space ship with my Master Chief friends. "Haha! What a story, Chief!" I said, having just finished listening to an invigorating tale about how one of my Master Chief companions successfully removed his scrotum from his armor's zipper after an hour-long struggle. We all walked out of the bathroom together and into a long hallway which lead towards a hangar that held a small halo ship we were going to drive in for whatever reason. Unfortunately for them, I had a story to trump even that one. "One time I was laying down in the bathroom and I really had to go pee. I didn't want to move, so I took off my pants and peed straight up." It was a true story too. "That story was so good, I just peed on my own balls." Said one of the Master Chiefs, clearly liking my story a lot. We didn't have any more time to share fun and interesting urine/testicle related stories, as we exited the hallway into one of the ship's massive hangars. The place was filled with dozens of halo cars, halo tanks, and even small halo ships, but that's not what caught my eye. Patrolling the place like the vermin they are were dozens, if not hundreds, of humans, each armed with firearms. I gritted my teeth at seeing Bungie's gift to halo kind being handled by the likes of them. "I'm gonna kill them." I stated. The closest Master Chief quickly put a hand on my shoulder, stopping me from immediately charging into battle. "Woah, woah, woah. You need to calm the fuck down. Every time you see anyone you run over and kill them for no reason. It just makes everything more difficult for the rest of us. We just want to get to the ship and get on with our pathetic lives." The other Master Chiefs nodded in agreement. I couldn't disagree more with that notion, however, and I gave them all a glare that, if directed at a cow, would curdle milk. "It's our charge as halos to slaughter everything that moves. Thats why Bungie bestowed upon us these magnificent motion detectors. If you aren't going to help me, just stay out of my way." Seeing that they couldn't stop me, they gave a synchronized sigh, and decided that they might as well at least help. I nodded in appreciation while pulling out the huge ass machine gun off my back. For some reason we all had those at the time. "Now behold, blessed slaughter!" I told them as I walked up to the closest human and unloaded the full force of my drum magazine into his chest plate. On that day, we murdered hundreds of humans. Unfortunately, being on a human ship, there were literally thousands more of them, and they just kept coming. With their seemingly endless numbers, we finally just got on our halo ship and flew away. It was glorious! I finished recounting my tales of murder and generally being a dick, and finally looked down at the pony before me. I was shocked to see that she was dead... Clearly her little pony heart couldn't handle that level of horror. I kneeled down, poking the corpse a few times to make sure she wasn't just passed out or something. Yep, she was dead alright. Looking around, I was thankful to see that there weren't a lot of ponies in the immediate area and none seemed to pay me or the now dead body any mind. Now I just had to dispose of the body before anyone got suspicious. No big deal, I'm a master actor. I learned from watching the best: Nicolas Cage. No one will ever suspect a thing. I simply began whistling inconspicuously as I hefted the body up and onto my shoulder. Turning on my heel, I walked towards the outskirts of town. I had a funeral to attend to, after all.