//------------------------------// // Speed Dating // Story: The Gemmed Satyr // by The Rarispy //------------------------------// “So… what exactly am I doing again, Rarity?”   I put my hoof to my face and sighed again. Twilight Sparkle may be very book-smart, but she can be very inept when it comes to more social fields. Perfectly understandable given her upbringing, of course. It just can get be a tad irritating at times.   It also makes me worry whether Twilight will ever become fully sociable enough to find love of her own.   “I told you before Twilight, this is called ‘speed dating’. Now, you brought the stopwatch, right?”   “Yes…” She levitated the stopwatch up to show me.   “Alright, here’s what’s going to happen. When I say so, you’re going to let the first stallion in that line into this room, and let him sit with me so we can begin mingling. Then, you need to time us. Once five minutes have passed, the date is over and you will escort him away. Afterward, you will let let in the next stallion and we do it all over again. Rinse, lather, repeat, very very simple. You understand, don’t you?”   “Well, I— I guess.” She gazed at the stopwatch again. I could tell by her expression that there was doubt in her mind. “Rarity, are you… sure this is a good idea? I mean, five minutes to figure out whether one of them will be your special somepony? That doesn’t sound very rational.”   “Of course I’m sure, Twilight. This type of dating is all the rage in the dating scene of Les Manes. The Equestria Inquirer even says it’s how Glimmershine and Barry Tone met!”   “Who?”   “Alright, Twilight, I think I’m all prepared,” I said as I finished lighting the peach-scented candle on the table. “You may bring in the first suitor now.”   “Oookay. Here goes nothing. There’s still something I don’t like about this… I’ve never read anything in my books about ‘speed dating’.”   I took a deep sigh. “Yes well, books may be helpful sometimes, Twilight, but I learned a little while ago that there are some things about love you can’t understand just by reading them.”   Poor Sweetie Belle…   “Thank you so much for the strawberries, Holly Sunrise. I promise I’ll find a way to pay off the rest of the bits.”   “Ohh, think nothing of it, Fluttershy! You’re such a friendly, loyal customer! I’ll let you have this batch on me! Just take care of yourself!”   “Gee, thanks.”   While it’s true that some of the salesponies at the market like to take advantage of me and push me around like a doormat, it’s comforting to know that at least some of them are very friendly and look out for your best interests.   I was on my way home with the basket of strawberries, getting ready to make a fresh fruit salad for the animals and me, when I was stopped by Sweetie Belle, who suddenly appeared right in front of me.   “Fluttershy! What are you doing here? You should be over at the Chez le Pâtes Fantaisie!”   “Huh? Why? I don’t remember making any plans to go there…”   “Haven’t you seen the flyer? Look!”   She pointed me to a pole nearby that had several flyers taped or nailed to it. I walked over and gazed at them. One of them in particular caught my attention.   “Oh yes, the Drifting Cattails performing this Sunday! Yes, I already know about it. I tried to get a ticket to that, but they were all sold out—”   “Not that one! The one right below it! See?”   I looked down at the flyer below the concert poster.   “Oh? What’s this? ‘Attention, stallions of Ponyville! Looking for a date?’ Hey, that picture looks like…” I gasped. “Rarity? I didn’t even know she was back already!”   “Keep reading!”   “Let’s see… ‘Local fashionista Rarity the unicorn is seeking her special somepony! Do you consider yourself handsome, charming, and worthy of her love? Then come to … … … at 2PM sharp! Each suitor will stand in line and … … … and after that, she will announce who she’s picked! Womanizing brutes need not apply.”   I had to take a step back, as I tried to grasp all of this.   “Rarity has resorted to… speed dating? Wow, she must be getting desperate. I guess things didn’t go well between her and Fancy Pants. Ohh, but this isn’t good! There’s probably going to be at least a dozen stallions lining up to date her. She’s bound to pick one of them…” I almost felt like crying.   “Well yeah, but what if one of those dozen ponies she picks is you?”   “Sniff— What?”   “You should get in line for a date with her. And then when it’s your turn, that can be your big chance to finally tell her how you feel!”   “Hmm… well, that’s probably the only way I’d have a sure chance of being alone with Rarity long enough for me to confess. But… I don’t know. The flyer said she’s looking for stallions. If I was the only mare to show up there, then that would be really awkward. Not to mention embarrassing… Ahh!”   Sweetie Belle had come up behind me and was pushing me in the direction of the restaurant.   “Aww, come on, Fluttershy! Like you said, this could be your only chance! If you don’t act now, then when will you?”   “Ohh… Well, I guess you’re right.” She smiled at me. I smiled back… but then remembered something and started running towards home again. “Just as soon as I get these strawberries home!”   “But, but— Uhh!”   “What types of food do you like then, Mister Greengrove?”   “Well, because of how fond I am of my plants, I just adore a good veggie salad. And I make a really mean one too.”   “Oh, my. I’ll have to ask for a sample sometime.”   Greengrove is a cream-colored pony, with (as you might expect) a brilliant emerald green mane and tail. His red eyes clash with them quite a bit, but he has a very handsome jawline. With his evident love for vegetable gardening, I have to wonder if he’s friends with or related to my friend Golden Harvest.   “So… a charming taste in pottery, a healthy-sounding lifestyle, and you sound like quite the pony in the kitchen. What about fashions, do you have any particular opinions or tastes? Do you take up sewing, or… like to follow any trends, per chance?”   “Mm, not really. In fact, to be perfectly honest with you, I actually can’t stand the whole ‘fashion’ thing very much. The ponies who are into it always come across as really snobby and uppity, and always trying to be better in taste than everypony else around them. I don’t get the whole appeal behind it.”   “…”   “So anyway, what do you do for a living, Rarity?”   “Um, excuse me, is this the line for the… getting a date with Rarity thing?”   “Huh? Who’s asking?” The gruff-looking dark brown stallion at the back of the line turned to face me. “Oh! Uhh… yes, it is, but aren’t you a mare?”   “Oh… um… yes, yes, I guess I am. Well, I’ll just go then, sorry for— Oof!” I was trying to back away from the whole thing, but Sweetie stopped me once again.   “Get in there, Fluttershy! You don’t want to ruin your chances!”   “Oh, well… okay.”   “Hey, don’t worry, I ain’t one to judge!” The gruff pony said, turning around once again. “A pony can like whomever they want to like.”   I smiled. But when he turned around, I thought I heard him mutter something.   “What was that?”   “Oh, nothing.”   “Favorite artist?”   “Sapphire Shores.”   “Favorite game?”   “Pin the tail on the pony. An old classic.”   “Favorite gemstone?”   “Diamond, of course.”   “Favorite woodland animal?”   “The butterfly. There was this really fascinating pink one you should’ve seen.”   “Favorite Europonyean food?”   “Does tea count?”   “Oh my word.” I leaned in close to my yellow-coated blue-haired suitor. “We have so much more in common than I realized, Gaia Ikea! Forgive me for jumping the gun here, but I think I’ve found my winner!”   “Really?” he replied.   “Really?” said Twilight.   “Mm-hm. Yes, I’m sure of it. You may be the one.”   “Wow, this is great news! Just wait until I tell my wife!”   “…”   -BEEP-   I was starting to get really uncomfortable. More stallions kept showing up for the line, and a lot of them gave me strange looks. Sweetie Belle had gone away, said she was going to watch from the sidelines.   I was also feeling nervous. Every time a stallion walked out, the line moved forward, and I was getting closer and closer to Rarity. I still haven’t figured out what exactly I’m going to say.   However, at that moment, I finally noticed something. Right in front of the gruff brown pony… there was another mare in line. She was looking forward, as she looked behind her, she finally saw me.   “Oh, hello!” She had a warm, friendly-sounding voice. “What do you know, I’m not the only mare here after all.”   The gruff pony stepped to the side as she moved to shake my hoof. I could’ve sworn I saw him roll his eyes.   “My name’s Apricot Blossom. What’s yours?”   “I-I’m— Fluttershy.”   “Ohh, but I remember that day so well. You called me strong and handsome… you liked me.”   “Yes, well uh, heh-heh. That was… that was then, this is now.” And to think, all I was doing was trying to help Fluttershy learn to be assertive. I wasn’t expecting this to come back and haunt me. “Listen, you’re kind, and really sweet, b—”   “Ohh-hoo-hoo! You called me sweet! I just knew we were made for each other! Hey, after this whole thing is over, do you, uhh- do you want to go back to my place so we can do some… crossword puzzles?”   “Ummm…”   “OW! Hey!”   -CLICK-   “Oh, would you look at that? Time’s up! Looks like you have to go now. Bye-bye!” I leaned over to Twilight. “Get him out of here! Get him out of here right now!”   “Come on, let’s go,” said Twilight as she led him outside. She then came back around and... well, decided to share her concerns again.   “Rarity, are you sure that this is the best way to find your special somepony? I mean, you only get to talk to each other for five minutes? How is that enough time to decide whether you have a special bond that’ll last the rest of your lives?”   That poor girl worries herself too much sometimes.   “Twilight darling, you worry too much,” I said to her, compassionately. “I’m touched by your concern, but I promise you, I know what I’m doing. You know, maybe this could be just the thing that you need, Twilight.”   “What do you mean?”   “Well, don’t you ever want to have somepony of your own? You mentioned at that picnic that you hadn’t been in a proper relationship since you lived in Canterlot. Are you just going to be alone for the rest of your life?”   “Well, hmm… Now that you mention it, I guess maybe I would like—” Suddenly, she stopped talking. And right then... I could’ve sworn I just saw something rather weird. “Actually… no. No, I don’t need anypony. But thanks for asking, Rartiy.”   “Right… You know dear, if you feel like your vision’s a little cloudy, there’s a great optometrist I can recommend to you.”   “Huh? I don’t understand. My vision feels fine. What are you talking about?”   “Oh well, it’s just that for a second, your eyes looked like they were a little— umm… you know what, never mind. I’m sure it was nothing.”   Yet another stallion walked out. He looked kind of like that pony with the glasses Rarity charmed that one time to help me get some asparagus he had bought. The line moved forward again.   “Oh! Look at that!” said Apricot Blossom. “The line’s moving. We’re almost there.”   “Oh… great.”   Gulp.   “Um, excuse me, but… what was your name again?” I quietly asked her.   “Apricot Blossom.”   “Right. If-if it’s not too much to ask, um… why are you here?”   “Well, I don’t know,” she said. “I just thought it’d be kinda fun. I know the poster thing said only ‘stallions’, but it’s still worth a shot, right? My sister Juniper got hooked up with somepony that was looking for a stallion too, so you just never know!”   “Ohh… But what if she’s not—”   “Huh? Not what?”   “Oh… nothing.”   I was about to ask her what she would do if Rarity turned out to not be into mares. However, that was something that I didn’t want to think about either…   -CLICK-   “Hello, there. What’s your name?”   “Hello! I’m— ahh, ahh, my name’s ahh— aaahhh— CHOO!” Much to my startlement, my suitor made a loud sneeze into a tissue he took out of his red coat pocket. A rather stylish red coat, too. I wonder how those navy patches were stitched on.   Still, a pony who evidently served in the Royal Navy. Now there’s something that can produce a fine gentlecolt. Oh, and he would’ve been the perfect one too, if it weren’t for…   “Sorry about that. Sniff. I’m just kind of, ahh ahh-CHOO! Kind of allergic to peaches.”   “Oh! Oh dear, I am so sorry. Here.” I blew out the peach-scented candle and took it off the table for him.   “Phew. Thanks, I… ahh, ahh— CHOO! Ohh…”   “Now what’s the— matter?”   To my disgust, he started... scratching himself all over. It was beginning to look really uncomfortable… and disturbing.   “AAH! I don’t know… ahh-CHOO! Are you, uh… are you wearing any perfume, or makeup?”   “W— Why?”   “Well, it’s just that I’m sort of… eeh! I’m kind of, deathly allergic to a lot of the chemicals they use in perfume and makeup. Aah-CHOO! Hey, have you got any ointment?”   “Come on! Come on! How much longer?”   Apricot Blossom was the next pony in line now. Finally, a stallion stepped out blowing his nose. He had a very neat-looking red jacket; the patches on it looked like they were slip-stitched.   The door opened wider.   “Eep!”   Going by instinct, I hid behind the gruff brown pony between us. I didn’t know Twilight Sparkle was the one helping Rarity. I sure hope she didn’t see me…   “Alright, who’s next?”   “Ooh! I am!” Apricot Blossom shouted. She skipped right through the door before Twilight even had the chance to say anything.   “Um… is she really here for the—”   “I… guess so,” the gruff pony I was hiding behind answered.    After that… rather allergenic suitor left, I decided to apply some breath spray. This wasn’t going as smoothly as I had hoped, so I promised myself that on the next one, I was going to kiss them and like it.   My eyes were still closed when they arrived and sat down.   “Hello, there. You must be the next one up. My name’s Rarity and you’re…” I was positively spellbound when I finally opened my eyes. “…a mare. You’re a mare.”   “Yes. Yes, I am.”   “Um… if I may inquire dear, what… exactly are you doing here?”   “Oh!” To my surprise, she pulled out one of my flyers. “I’m here for the speed dating thing.”   “…Right.” I paused for a few seconds, trying to think of the best way to put this delicately. “You… do know that the flyer says this event is for ‘stallions’, right?”   “Yeah. I know, I saw that.”   “And yet you… STILL came here anyway?” I replied, through gritted teeth. I was trying my hardest not to get annoyed by this… mare-amorer.   “Oh, yes! You see, my sister has a girlfriend, and she met her when she was trying to find a stallion to date. So, I figured maybe I would have the same luck and you would turn out to swing both ways when it comes to—”   I stood up then. I couldn’t take this anymore.   “When it comes to what? Loving a stallion or a mare? Well, I don’t ‘swing both ways’! I only date stallions, and it was very rude of you to assume otherwise!”   “Oh, w-well, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to—”   “You’d better be sorry! I don’t want my special somepony to be a mare, okay?”   This mare was testing my patience. Twilight was starting to back away, and rightly so. At that rate, I couldn’t take much more. I was ready to snap.   “Are... are you really sure?”   And then I snapped.   “ERRRRRRREERRRRRRR!”   “Gee… what do you think is taking her so long?” I asked the gruff stallion. “I thought this was only supposed to take five minutes.”   “I don’t know. Maybe s—”   Suddenly, the door swung right open, and Apricot Blossom was stepping out backwards, followed by Rarity. I quickly hid behind the gruff stallion again so she wouldn’t see you. …She looked really angry, though.   “Get out! Just get out!” she yelled.   “I-I’m sorry! Really, I’m so sorry!”   “Sorry, sorry, sorry! That’s all you keep saying! I’ve tried not to pay any mind to you mare-amorers and your disgusting life choices, but when you go and just assume that I too am one of you, that’s when I just can’t take it anymore!”   “I— I—”   “GET IT THROUGH YOUR HEAD! I DON’T LIKE MARES! I ONLY DATE STALLIONS AND THAT IS NOT GOING TO CHANGE! NOT NOW, AND NOT EVER! I AM NOT ONE OF YOU SICK AND TWISTED MARE-LOVING FREAKS, AND I NEVER WILL BE! UNDERSTAND!?”   Dead.   My whole world died, right there.   Disgusting.   Sick.   Twisted.   Freaks.   That’s what she thinks of mares who like other mares.   That’s what she thinks of me.   I couldn’t stay. I got out of there, as fast as I could. Sweetie Belle tried to stop me, but I didn’t. I ran.   I ran and I ran, and I just kept running until I finally made it home. To my bed. So that I could spend the rest of my days crying my eyes out.   Because now, it was over. It was all over.   My whole life was over.   “She… doesn’t… like… mares…”