The promised day had finally come. All of this waiting… all of this time I had had to kill… it was finally over. I hadn’t been sure whether I should have been looking forwards to this moment or fearing it, but now that it was here, I would just have to bite the bullet and find out.
“Stop with the shakin', it's time to get bakin'!” Pinkie Pie called out as she opened the door of Sugarcube Corner. I hadn’t even noticed it, but once Pinkie mentioned it, I realised how shaky my hands were. Why am I so nervous about baking? I thought to myself. It’s not as if Pinkie’s going to drug me and then cut me up.
I stepped inside Sugarcube Corner and took it in. I hadn’t seen the need to enter it since I had come to Ponyville, but with Pinkie Pie insisting that I help her bake, I didn’t have too much choice. And besides, I had been sort of curious as to what Pinkie’s workplace was like.
As it turned out, the store was no more different than any other place in Ponyville. The walls were a bright and cheerful yellow, and it was decorated with plenty of confectionery-like ornaments. I had been expecting something more wild and crazy from a place where Pinkie both worked and lived.
“So, what are we making today, Pinkie?” I asked as I crossed into a kitchen. The shop’s closing hours had finished several hours ago, and I was just going to be helping her bake some of the confectionery and pastry that would be sold tomorrow. “Because it’s more fun if you help!” had been Pinkie’s reason.
“Ooh, how about cupcakes?” Pinkie asked me as she got bowls and cooking utensils out of cupboards. “They’re great fun to eat and make! Oh, All you have to –”
“Sounds like a plan,” I interrupted before Pinkie could burst into song. I opened some random cupboards, looking for further instruments which we could use in our cooking. Pinkie interrupted me, throwing something at my face.
“Here! Put on this apron!” she said, although not in an unfriendly voice.
“Apron?!” I repeated as I examined what Pinkie had thrown at me. “How’d you get it in my size, Pinkie?”
“Rarity made it, of course!” Pinkie replied, getting out ingredients now. As I started to put the apron on, I noticed the design sewn into it. It was Pinkie Pie’s head, only wearing a purple turban with a jewel and feather set in it. She was also wearing two crescent moon earrings.
“What’s this?” I asked, confused. “Is it you as a gypsy or something, Pinkie?” Pinkie turned to me from her work and gave me a funny look.
“I’m a baker, not a gypsy! Those two aren’t even related!” Before I could say anything else, Pinkie sat down on the floor and put her hooves to her head in thought. “…Or are they?” I decided not to press the issue, and put the apron on compliantly. I couldn’t find anything in the cupboards of use, so I went over to Pinkie for direction.
“Okay, what do you want me to do?” I asked gruffly. Although I was staring straight at Pinkie, she somehow managed to dart over to my side and take me by surprise as she answered.
“I’ll cook up a solution with the knowledge I’ve accrued,
They say a –”
“Should I just start creaming the butter and eggs?” I interjected before she could continue her song. Pinkie stopped her singing as I started talking, which was probably a good thing judging by the way she was almost teleporting around the room in her singing frenzy.
“Oh! Yeah, that sounds like a good idea!” Pinkie answered cheerfully. “I can make the icing while you do that!” The two of us started our cooking shortly afterwards, with Pinkie directing me and telling me what to do.
“Tell me, Pinkie…” I started as I added an egg to the mix. She turned her head to me curiously whilst still continuing her own task. “Have you considered making these cupcakes more… useful?”
“Useful how?” she asked. “I tried putting streamers in the mix once before for a surprise, but they just burned in the oven.” As she answered, I noticed that there seemed to be less icing in her bowl than there had been earlier, but I decided that it would be better if I didn’t point this out.
“What if you filled these cupcakes with, say… cyanide?” Pinkie gestured for me to continue in my suggestion. “Think about it… you could fill them up… leave them for enemy soldiers… and, well, you can see where I’m going from here.”
“You mean you could feed your enemies?” Pinkie repeated. I frowned, about to explain what I had been implying. “That sounds great! If there’s one way to make new friends, it’s by sharing around lots of tasty food!”
“No…” I said slowly, trying not to sound too extreme. “I mean, if the cupcakes are filled with cyanide… and then enemy soldiers ate them…” After a moment of putting two and two together, Pinkie leapt into the air as she worked it out, spraying icing everywhere.
“Oh! I get it!” she shouted enthusiastically. “They have to try and work out what’s wrong with the cupcakes! It’s like a game!” I sighed as I gave up on this idea.
“Yes, that’s exactly it,” I said. As she started making more icing, Pinkie turned to me.
“But… why would you fill it with cyanide? That could really hurt some people! You wouldn’t be making baked goods, you’d be making… baked bads!”
“Huh, I hadn’t thought of that,” I said, humouring Pinkie.
“It would be better if you just made the cupcakes normally,” Pinkie continued. “Then that way you can eat lots of them, and laugh and grow fat!”
Pinkie had evidently missed the point I was trying to make with the poisoned cupcakes, so I simply grunted rather than correcting her. The two of us continued to bake several batches of cupcakes for the next few hours whilst Pinkie told me some more of her random stories, before we put the cupcakes into the oven to bake. Although I wasn’t much of a cook, I was fairly confident that they would come out tasting delicious.
===================
“Oooh, those look much better than the last batch,” Pinkie said as I drew a tray of blackened, heavily burnt cupcakes out of the oven. So far, my cupcake making skills had been disastrous. One batch had been burnt down to ash, and another had somehow exploded whilst in the oven. I didn’t know how it had happened, but it had happened.
Pinkie was happily chomping down several of these cupcakes, so I reluctantly decided to eat one. “Urgh!” I spat out as much of the cupcake as I could – it tasted like ash. Pinkie continued to eat the rest of the tray.
“Aw, what’s the matter, Snake? They taste great!” I gave her a look. I couldn’t tell whether she was just saying so for my sake, or whether Pinkie had a bizarre sense of taste.
“Forgive me. Damn!” I said, feeling embarrassed at the horrible way the cupcakes had turned out. After all, Pinkie’s job did at least partially rely on how well these cupcakes tasted. “I'm a loser. I'm not the chef you thought I was. I'm nothing! Pinkie, I'm sorry! Forgive me.” I realised as I said the words how dramatic they sounded, but at the same time, I didn’t want to let any pony down if possible.
“You’re not a failure!” Pinkie said happily to me. “I like the way these taste!”
I hesitated. “You like the way these… taste?”
“Yep! Cupcakes taste great, no matter how they’re cooked!” As she spoke, there was a ringing sound from a kitchen timer, indicating that the final tray was finished. I sighed, wondering what would have gone wrong this time. “Yum! You have to try some of these, Snake!” Pinkie said as she drew the tray out.
To my surprise, this tray wasn’t burnt. (Or at least not as badly burnt as the previous one had been). “So… what does it taste like?” I asked Pinkie Pie as she tried one.
“It’h gud!” she said with her mouth full of cupcake. I hesitantly reached out for one, and put it in my mouth once it had cooled down. To my surprise, it had cooked perfectly, and was much better than the other ones which I had tried.
“So, do you like it? It tastes great, doesn’t it?!” Pinkie excitedly said to me. Unable to speak with my mouth full, I gave her a thumbs up to show my approval. “Whee! See Snake, it’s just like I’ve been trying to tell you…
“All you have to do is take a cup of flour!
Add it to the mix!
Now just take a little something sweet, not sour!
A bit of salt, just a pinch!
Baking these treats is such a cinch!
Add a teaspoon of vanilla!
Add a little more, and you count to four,
And you never get your fill of...
Cupcakes! So sweet and tasty!
Cupcakes! Don't be too hasty!
Cupcakes! Cupcakes, cupcakes, CUPCAKES!” As Pinkie sung her silly song, I repeatedly tried to silence her, but with the cupcake still in my mouth, I was unable to. I sighed, and waited until she had finished. “That was fun! I love cupcakes!” Pinkie Pie said as she bounced around the room.
“Yeah, we did a good job,” I grumbled. “Is it okay that most of the cupcakes ended up so… destroyed?” Pinkie nodded.
“That’s no problem at all! I got to eat all of the burnt ones, and we can always bake more!”
“Bake… more?” I repeated, thinking about how long it had taken us to bake so far. Pinkie nodded enthusiastically. After a moment of hesitation, I nodded back and smiled. “Sure thing, Pinkie. If we have to, we’ll bake until the sun sets!”
“The Cakes come back at five,” Pinkie pointed out happily. I avoided her sight for a moment, embarrassed.
“Five?” I repeated. “Well, uh, in that case, we’ll bake ‘til the Cakes come back if we have to!”
Colonel Campbell looked at his notes and thought carefully. What’s missing? he wondered. After a moment, he realised what was wrong – he had drawn himself as Big Boss, punching out the Russian soldier formerly known as The Fury, but had forgotten to add an eye patch to his cartoon face. Much better, he thought once he had finished adding it.
“…and so then she said ‘Oatmeal? Are you crazy?!’” Snake finished. He had been so lost in his story that he hadn’t noticed the Colonel doodling on his notepad below the table. Snake patiently stubbed out the remains of his cigarette as he waited for Campbell to take notice of him again. It took several minutes.
“Oh, is that what happened? G-good work!” Campbell said once he noticed the silence, hastily putting away his notepad (which in addition to The Fury, also had another soldier, The Fear, being taken out by Campbell-as-Big-Boss). Snake opened his mouth to continue the story, only to have Campbell hold up a hand to silence him.
“Look, Snake, you’ve spent –” Campbell quickly checked his watch “ – two hours going on about what’s happened in this… this Equestria place. We’re supposed to be hearing about the Shadow Moses Incident, not the… the… the Great Big Pony Adventure!” Colonel Campbell sighed. “What sort of person would want to go to this Equestria place anyway?”
Upon hearing these words, Snake frowned. “It’s all relevant Campbell, believe me. I’ve already told you about what happened with Ocelot, haven’t I?” Campbell nodded slowly. “Good. Then you can see that it does relate to the Shadow Moses Incident.” Snake leaned forwards over the table slightly, and smirked at Campbell. “Anyway, you might wish that you had gone to Equestria after you hear the next part of my story…”