Chapter 35
Come into my Parlor.
Lyra smiled widely at the gathering of ponies. These were her ponies. There were a myriad of differences. There were unicorns, earth ponies and pegasi. There were fancy ponies and hickish ponies within this small collective. But they were all bound by their love of a silly looking, hairless mythological primate.
Her gaze landed squarely on a tan pony with a messy brown mane. “There you are. This is almost too perfect. A creature like you is here at this gathering of ponies who love and adore humans. It’s like you were drawn here. Like you couldn’t resist.” Lyra swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “Calm yourself Heartstrings, you have a speech to make here.”
“I am glad every-body- here could all attend, what I hope will be a very interesting, informative and most importantly, fun convention!” She leaned against the podium. “I would like to welcome old members back and I am glad to see fresh faces! I remember when this, ‘convention,’ was nothing more than just a few strange ponies who had gathered in somebody’s basement. And now, we have grown! With the rise of magical forums, and social networking scrolls; we Hu-mares and Stall-men have been able to organize and share our interests.” The crowd muttered with more excitement. “This year we have five rooms, each with a purpose that is posted on the door. Remember that there are a few rules here, and that it is like any other social gathering of ponies. Be as nice as “humanly” possible, back away if you are making someone uncomfortable, and above all have fun! We are all here to have a good time and hopefully we’ll learn as much as we can about each other. Celestia knows that I want to learn as much as I can about you.” The herd before her cheered and stomped their hooves. “And with that said, let the con begin!”
As Lyra walked off the stage, the crowd of ponies began to disperse and talk among themselves. Heartbreak had not moved from her seat and there was a stare of wide eyed confusion on her face. Her eyes darted back and forth as if she was horribly frightened. She poked the colt next to her and said something to him. There was a brief talk and he looked baffled and confused, but finally nodded his head. He took the VIP pass that had been placed around her neck off and put it around his. “Why would she do that?” Lyra wondered as she edged closer and closer to the mare.
Heartbreak kept looking around slowly and then a bit more frantically. She tugged on the colt’s shoulder and asked a question that Lyra could now just make out. “Can we go to one of the rooms that isn’t as crowded, Dib? I’m getting a little claustrophobic.”
Dib rolled his eyes and sighed. “Yeah, H.B., Sure. Oh! Let’s see what they have in the snacking lounge!”
“Yeah, that sounds like a good idea...I am a bit hungry,” She replied.
Lyra smiled. If she could get a bit closer and maybe start up a conversation, she might be able to get her subject to slip up and reveal something about herself. She was so happy at this moment that she wanted to prance in place and almost felt like bursting into song.
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Applejack looked up at the afternoon sun. Despite a bit of chill on the springtime air, she was sweating a bit from this years first harvest. There was a good bumper crop of apples going and it was just about to be finished. She wiped the sweat off her brow. Idly, she paused and looked up at the sky. A strange thought passed through her mind. “Somewhere out there, there could be a different, ‘A.J.,’ harvesting apples just like ah’m doing right now.” Her face scrunched and she shook her head at the thought. “A meat eatin’ A.J.” Applejack put another basket of apples in the cart.
She thought back to the night before. H.B. was so unnerved about explaining to her why she had been drooling over her pigs. Looking back, the answer should have been as clear as a bell. That hungry look in her eyes should have given it away. But there was a part of Applejack’s mind that didn’t want to accept it. “A pony eatin’ meat. Actual meat-meat, not anything like fish or bugs meat, but meat from an animal that is almost kin ta ponies. That sorta thing just ain’t right.” She nodded at Big Mac to pull the cart forward so she could collect more baskets. “Ah can understand why she would want ta keep it a secret, and ah know other critters eat meat. Gryphons, dragons, monstrous beasts that live in the Everfree, and other things beyond that.” She tossed another basket into the cart.
“And then there was that whole, ‘ya’d be surprised at what they wouldn’t eat,’ thing she said. What in tarnation does that even mean!? Ah mean, I know she said that she didn’t eat pony, but that don’t mean that there could be some...critter out there that wouldn’t give a second thought of snacking on one of us?!” Applejack rolled her eyes. “That’s a feathered brained question there A.J. Of course there are critters out there who would gladly gobble up a pony. Ya just didn’t think that ya’d invite one to sleep in yer home. Then there was that whole, ‘Ah need ta tell ya a story just so that ya get what ah’m sayin’ here’ bit. It was like she was talking down ta me! Ah would have understood, ‘Where ah’m from, we eat meat,’ just fine!” She threw another basket into the cart. This time it landed sharply and practically knocked over a few other carts. “What the hay?! Yer lettin’ this get to ya, A.J. Why are ya lettin’ it get ta ya? Is it the idea that she ate meat or the fact that she felt like she needed ta hide it? Or is it that ya just let her go off with yer cousin to some strange gatherin’ somewhere?!”
“A.J.?” Came the melodic voice of her brother.
“What?!” Applejack shouted.
Big Mag looked at her quietly. “Are you okay?”
She snorted and sighed. “Yes, no, maybe, don’t know...Ah’m just worried is all.”
“Somethin’ to do with H.B.?” He asked.
“Ya could say that, ah don’t know what it is. Ah hate saying it, but ah still don’t trust her! There’s just somethin’ off about her,” Applejack said. “Is that wrong of me ta say?”
“Nope,” Mac said after a while. “Ya don’t know much about her.”
“And ah’m guessing that yer gonna say, ‘Give her time, A.J.’, ‘Expect the best of her, A.J.’ an’ that ah shouldn’t worry this much, right?” Applejack asked, looking at her brother.
“Eeeyup,” Big Mac replied. A.J. couldn’t help but feel that Mac was right. The worries she had about H.B. were ungrounded and fussin’ over them wasn’t going to do her any good.
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We’ve entered into the, ‘snacking lounge.’ Along the wall there is a table that has trays of some standard party fare that I would expect. Finger sandwiches, veggie trays, cheese trays, chips and salsa, along with dessert trays of cupcakes, brownies, cookies and other delights. At the end of the table is a punch bowl and plastic cups. There is of course a serious lack of meat products. But I’ve come to expect this. I’m sure that I’ll complain on more than one occasion about it. I tap Dib on the shoulder.
He looks over from some random artist pony who is sitting down sketching what looks like it might be something human-esk. “Yes, H.B.?” he asks munching away on a carrot.
“Uhm, first of all, thank you for taking the VIP badge. This might be a small gathering, but I don’t want any unwanted attention. I’d rather just kinda blur in the background and observe what is happening here.” Dib smiles and nods while chewing his carrot. “And secondly, could you help me get a plate of food together?”
He looks around for a second at my request and then gets the sudden realization face. “Oh, right! Shaky hooves. Yeah sure! Anything that you want in particular?”
I look over the spread once more. “Maybe a little bit of everything. If you don’t mind.” Rolling my eyes, I kick myself for thinking ahead and wondering how I am going to eat this. “With your face you dolt. Seriously, I already know that I am uncomfortable with this, but if you can’t pick things up with your hooves like the other ponies, then you’re going to have to settle. Though I don’t think getting salsa accidently up your nose would be any fun.” “A little bit of everything but the salsa. Please.”
Dib nods and walks over to the table to start putting the plate together. I take a deep breath. Right now there are four or five other ponies in the room along side us. They are kind of wandering about, looking at each other. Not saying anything of relevance, but nodding and smiling at each other. A couple of them have these strange looking pink hats with ears. Human ears. Or at least what they, ‘think,’ human ears should look like. Those ears are terribly pointed to be something human.
I walk over to couch that is the farthest away from the door and hidden away in a corner. Looking around anxiously, I take a seat. I debate with myself on which way I should sit. This being a, ‘human-con,’ I might get away with being able to sit like I normally do. But decide against it and sit as a normal pony would. After all, it takes up nearly all of the couch and I’d rather not chance the possibility of others commenting on how well I can sit as, ‘a human would.’
As I push myself to get comfortable, I find myself contemplating the situation I am currently in. The whole, ‘meta,’ part of this is giving me a conflicted feeling. On the one side, I want to laugh at it. Here are ponies who like humans and are holding a convention about humans. And on the other side, I want to go running and screaming from this. It’s like the universe’s way of pointing and laughing at me. “Look at the little human turned pony! Hey! Hey! Hey-”
“Hey!” Comes the voice of the very last pony I want to talk to. Looking up, I am met with a wall of aquamarine attached to a grinning face. Fuck. How the fuck do I interact with this?! She must be seeing the shock on my face because there is a large moment of silence between the two of us. “So! Twilight finally let you out of the library, I see!”
Crap, crap, crap, crap! Darn it, H.B., think of something to say! Anything! I look up at her and nod. “I like turtles.” FUCK! Anything but that!
She of course gives me the double take and blinks. “Uhm, yes, turtles are nice pets.”
I look around panicked. Darn it, calm yourself. Just act normal, don’t try to stand out, it’s not like she suspects anything about you. There’s nothing on the surface to indicate what you were. No evidence, no crime! Not that it is a crime to be human, right? Oh crap! She’s staring at me again! Say something! “Gah, you’ll have to forgive me, Lyra. It’s just-” A couple of geeky looking mares walk past me wearing human hats. “I spaced out for a moment...”
“I was going to say that it was funny seeing you here! I mean, after our little mishap in the library, I thought you would never want to see me again!” She eyes the empty spot on the couch next to me. “Mind if I sit down?” She says, just plopping her ass down on the couch.
Turning away, I frown at her just flopping right next to me. She, of course is sitting in her trademark, ‘Lyra Style.’ She’s grinning and smiling with bright wide opened eyes that aren’t any less creepy when they’re up and close. Fet. Right, calm down. Okay, let’s attempt this conversation thing again. “I didn’t intend to come to your little-” I pause as a pony in a full, ‘human suit,’ walks into the room. He is walking awkwardly on two legs and swinging his arms in a cartoonish manner. This might be okay, if it weren’t for the fact that there is a pony face sticking out of a googly eyed suit meant to look like a human. With the pony face sticking out of the mouth, it just looks fucking creepy. Like some weird human-like puppet that is swallowing a pony. An involuntary shudder and blink courses through my being. ”Party. The only reason I am here is because of Applejack’s cousin.”
Lyra looks at me with a bit of concern. At least, I think it’s concern. With a fanon version of Lyra here, it introduces an x-factor into the equation of what I should be expecting. “Well, you’ll find that we HLC members, while on the eccentric side, are very open and welcoming to new faces! We’ve got plenty of activities for the day, this is going until five, so feel free to jump in! Talk to others, explore and interact!”
I curl away from her. “Thanks, but I’m ok with sitting her in the corner. Watching. Being a, ‘Jafo,’” I reply, looking around for Dib. He’s still setting up my platter.
“Jafo? Uhhhm?” Lyra asks in utter confusion.
“Oh, right. Jafo is, ‘Just Another Fetting Observer.’” I reply. “I’m just watching.”
“Alright H.B.,” Dib says, walking with my platter of food resting on his hindquarters. “I managed to get almos-” I can hear the clatter of the plate on the ground and tumbling of foodstuffs as his eyes are drawn to Lyra. He practically zips up to her in a fanboyish burst of energy. “Oh my gosh! You’re Lyra Heartstrings!”
“Uhm, yes. Nice to meet you. You must be Applejack’s cousin that H.B. was talking about!” Lyra replies.
“Yes, uhm, my name is Crab Apple!” he excitedly replies. “I’m one of your biggest fans of your work in the, in my humble opinion, much ignored field of anthropology! And I’m here with H.B.!” I facehoof as I hear Dib’s gushing. Then again, who am I to talk. I raced Derpy down and got her autograph the moment I saw her.
Lyra chuckles and pats his shoulder. “I kind of guessed that after she told me. I’m glad you could make it, Crab Apple.”
Ugh, I am starting to miss the farm. I cough to get Dib’s attention. He looks at me befuddled and then blinks before looking back at the spilled snack tray. “Oh geez, sorry H.B!” He scampers over to the tray of spilled goods. “I didn’t mean to-”
“Don’t think anything about it,” I reply. Fetlocks. This kid is almost impossible to get upset with.
“Here, let me help with that,” Lyra says, picking up all the spilt food items. “They should still be good, after all, as humans would say ‘Five second rule!’”
I grimace at that statement. Even I have qualms about eating food off the floor. Well a floor that looks like it needs a good scrubbing. “Yeah...Five second rule...” I reply as the snack tray floats over to me.
Dib smiles and looks at the leftover narrow space on the couch that is left over. He then looks back at me. “Not much space to sit on that couch.” He says, suggesting the obvious.
I roll my eyes. “Do you want to sit on the couch, Dib?” I ask, nearly facehoofing.
“Do I ever! But well, there isn’t enough space on the couch,” Dib once again eggs at something.
“Well, there would be if, someone would join in the fun and sit like we do, Dib.” Lyra says.
My face twitches at this whole thing. I feel like such a hypocrite. I dance around the bush all the fucking time about issues and it irritates others. Now these two are doing the same dance and I’m the one getting irritated. I take a deep breath. “Come on, stop it. Just stop it. He just wants to sit on the couch and talk with who I am assuming is his hero. Don’t take any longer in this, or they will start assuming things about you. Like how you’re a bitch or something.” I attempt to turn my body in a way that will let me sit the way that Lyra is. Eventually I get something that works and now there is a space for Dib to sit.
Lyra places the tray of food on my, ‘lap.’ Or as much of a lap that ponies have when sitting like this. I feel like one of those overweight guys who use their guts as a table. “So how did you get into humans, Dib?”