It’s amazing how easy it could be to fall asleep if the desire is strong enough to stay awake. Every time my eyes want to close I press down on my stitches. The pain wakes me up for awhile. I can’t fall asleep again. I still feel the moment I realized in my dream that I wasn’t hugging Luna. Every time I remember that moment, I roll away involuntarily as if I’m escaping Discord’s reach. I feel the stitches pull but even if they open again, I don’t care. I just don’t want to fall asleep.
How many more hours is it? I could check the clock in the hall but whenever I move to sit, my head reels and I have to lie down again, pressing on my stitches to keep from passing out. I have a delicate balance to maintain between passing out from loss of blood and falling asleep from lack of pain. I try to keep my mind occupied but no matter what I think about, I find myself blinking for too long and having to wake myself up before I enter a dream again.
Of course not getting sleep makes me cry at everything. Remembering when I saw Luna in a dream? I cry. Remembering the hug Discord gave me before I told him to let me go? I cry. Remembering Twilight and her note, which I can’t read because the moon is too dim and I can’t reach the light switch? I cry. Think of Thalia’s past of abusive boyfriends? I cry. The old woman with miserable eyes? I cry.
Although, technically I’d cry over those things anyway even if I was still an alicorn. I wipe my aching eyes that have spilled all their tears. Maybe if I keep feeling sorry for myself I don’t have to dream. I turn over on my left side and enjoy the pain I feel. Pain means I’m awake. Pain means I’m safe. The more awake I am...the further he is from me.
Stay awake, Celestia. You have to stay awake. I press my shoulder so hard I gasp. I might have just ripped a stitch. I smell iron and see red. My hand is sticky and stained with my own blood. Maybe I should try to find someone to help me stop bleeding. I don’t want to pass out.
I roll over onto my back again as my eyes threaten to turn to static. I can feel myself growing pale. How did it ever get like this? Weeks ago I could never have imagined that I would be a human bleeding to death in a mental hospital. No matter how it is said, it still sounds unreal. I risk closing my protesting eyes for a moment of rest. I never expected to die a human. I never thought...growing up as a filly with Luna and my parents...finding my place in Equestria...I just never thought I would be a human; about to die or so close to dying. Death would be an escape...an escape where he could never reach me. I could hide from the bad guys for once...and forever. I’ve always had a destiny prescribed for me. Could...death in this form be another kind of freedom?
“Twilight.” I say without realizing it. Once I say her name, that name echoes back even when the sound of my voice is gone. Luna and Cadence can wait for forever to get me back. Twilight...can’t. I clutch my blanket to my heart and my eyes make more tears as I open them again to the ceiling. She can’t wait for me. I won’t watch her grow up and become the unicorn I know I will be proud of. She’ll grow old...she’ll die. I knew she was going to die and I would have to let my student go...my protégé. I always thought I would be able to say good-bye. What was the last thing I said to her?
I told her I was proud of her. Small comfort. At least I left her with words that I wouldn’t regret. I arch my neck as I sob openly. The room spins but I allow my tears to continue their journey from my open eyes. I won’t be able to say good-bye to her. She’ll always be wishing she could have...the Elements of Harmony...I love each of them so much, but Twilight...she’ll feel this hardest. When she has a moment to stop and think, after things calm down, she’ll wonder...she’ll miss me.
How long will it take for things to return to normal? How long until Luna...gives up trying to find me? Was that really Luna I saw in the dream last night? Or can she not reach me here? I cover my eyes with my hands. If that was really just a dream, a dream where Luna wasn’t actually there, is there even any chance she could reach me that way? Or am I really stuck here for the rest of my life? How long is that now that I’ve lost my immortality?
My eyes close and I wonder even more if my mortality will hold off through this night. I don’t know how many hours more I need to stay awake for but I don’t think I can make it. Finally, I close my eyes.
I can keep fighting sleep, I can keep protesting my fate, and I can stay here miserable for however many more years I have left...or hours. But, eventually my eyes cannot be kept open on willpower alone, my fate will not change because I am powerless to change it, and...I will end my life a coward, dreading my death.
It’s easier to let myself fall asleep.
The black behind my eyelids blankets me with relaxation. I feel cradled in my bed, welcomed by my pillow stained with tears and blood, and soothed by the blankets that soak up the life pouring from me. I don’t know what horrors await me in my dreams. All I know is that I have a moment between dream and consciousness where I am safe. None can reach me here, and I don’t have to question anything.
In my dream I am in the water again. Now it is different. I don’t struggle against the current. I watch the light float away from me as I sink, the pressure of the water crushing my body and breaking me. My lungs scream but I say nothing and don’t stop the flow of bubbles tickling my lips. I touch the ocean floor and close my eyes, leaning my head back into the soft sand.
It’s easier to fall asleep.
And as I sleep, I’m only vaguely aware of the name “Ashlyn” being called in panic. Pressure is put on my back before it goes numb. It’s easier this way. No one I love will have to know.
“Breathe!” echoes down to me. My body begins to tingle. I feel a sharp pinch...or is it a needle?
“One. Two. Three."
I feel like my eyes are drowning.
"Four. Five. Six. Seven."
I can barely hear over the sound the a violent wind rushing in my ears.
"Eight. Nine. Ten. Eleven. Twelve."
My whole body is numb but I can feel a tingling waking up my hands and legs.
"Thirteen. Fourteen. Fifteen. Sixteen. Seventeen. Eighteen."
The tingling has turned to clawing, stabbing, pins being forced into my skin every centimeter.
"Nineteen. Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Twenty-three. Twenty-four. Twenty-five."
I would scream but my lips don't respond. I can't feel my face.
"Twenty-six. Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight. Twenty-nine. Thirty..."
I just want the pain in my body to stop. I try to move my hand and the pain worsens there.
"Breathe!” I feel slight pressure on the back of my neck and face. The light is no longer filtered by water.
“Come on. You’re in there. I know it. Wake up!” I hear Dr. Cruebel say. I don't want to move anything again. I want to stay still so it doesn't hurt so much.
My ribs snap and I’m given no choice. The stings of a thousand bees makes contact with anything I move as my body jerks in response to the new pain. I open my eyes and take a deep breath. Sarah pants, her elbows locked as her hands hold each other on my chest.
“Take another breath. Come on!” Dr. Cruebel demands. I faintly obey him, feeling the breaks in my ribcage. I notice a bag of blood hangs next to me with a tube going into me. I blink in the light when I try to look up. I take shallow breaths and close my eyes, feeling a hand slide from under my neck. I smell my own blood. Someone holds something cold to my shoulder.
“Why didn’t you call for help? Didn’t you realize what was happening?” Sarah asks, standing back. I can’t answer. It seems so silly even though it was moments ago. Besides, my jaw feels fine now but if I move it I might get stung again.
“As soon as you’re done dressing that we’re taking her to the room. I believe this was intentional.” Dr. Cruebel says to a male nurse who nods silently. He turns back to look at me. I avoid looking at him but I can’t avoid hearing him.
“Why...how could you consider letting yourself bleed to death? Whatever it is you’re avoiding, this wasn’t the way out. But now I can’t trust you and we’re going to be keeping you under stricter watch until you can be trusted again.”
I carefully take the largest breath I can with broken ribs.
“I had a nightmare...” I say simply.
I feel another needle slide into my skin. I’m only vaguely aware when the straps tighten across my body. Something soft and warm is draped over me and a thin pillow is placed under my lifted head. Within moments I fall into a dreamless haven.