//------------------------------// // Christmas Special // Story: Light Wanderings // by ed2481 //------------------------------// AN: I know that it's a few days early but I figure no one minds. This is currently non cannon and it takes place after the main story of Light Wanderings, however there will be no spoilers or references to the end of the story so read without caution. Also this is primarily comedy so don't take it to seriously. Edited by TacoTown Christmas Special “So Sparky, what do you want to do?” Ethan asked Twilight. They were sitting on one of the couches in Celestia’s royal suite. Ethan had his arm wrapped around the unicorn’s side in a gesture of friendly relaxation. The unicorn, for her part, was enjoying the occasion to use her friend as a pillow as she leaned into him. Ethan was enjoying a little time off from the Wasteland, and Twilight had decided that they should do something special together; it was Hearth’s Warming Eve after all. “I don’t know Ethan. I mean, you already saw my incredible acting skills today and Celestia gave you an aerial tour of the city.” Twilight replied. “And you slapped her ass with a riding crop…” she added, and gave Ethan an annoyed glare that caused him to wiggle his eyebrows at her. “I just can’t think of anything else that would interest you.” Twilight finished with a shrug. “We could torture Blueblood.” Ethan said thoughtfully “Yes, but that gets old eventually.” Twilight said with a sigh. “You know, I could bring Cassandra here with the Twins and we could show them around.” Ethan suggested with a smile as he thought of his wife and children. “Didn’t you say that she was busy with a negotiation of some kind?” Twilight asked. “Oh right, fucking NCR.” Ethan said with a scowl; his voice was dismissive and carried none of the venom that it might’ve had if he’d been talking about the remnants of the Legion. “Yes, them.” Twilight said with a slight giggle at his tone. “It’s no laughing matter Sparky, they called me an alien!” Ethan told her with a scowl. “Ethan, I’m almost positive that they meant it in the nicest terms possible, they were just describing how you weren’t a native of the NCR.” Twilight told him with a chuckle. “Then they need a new term, calling me an alien is very offensive.” Ethan told her with a huff. They sat in silence for a few minutes before a look of inspiration dawned on Twilight’s face. “Ethan, I just thought of something that we could do!” Twilight told him excitedly. “Oh, what’s that Sparky?” Ethan asked her. “Well… I do have a surprise to show you. I wasn’t going to show it to you until tomorrow, but seeing as we’re out of things to do… Would you like to see it early?” She asked him with a wide grin. “Hmm… I don’t know. Where is it Sparky?” Ethan asked her thoughtfully. “It’s not that far, we won’t have to leave the city.” Twilight replied. “Alright, sounds good to me Sparky.” Ethan said with a grin. “Okay, close your eyes.” Twilight commanded. “Sparky, we’ve been over this. I’m already married, and I’m not into ponies, although if I was you’d be at the top of my list. Well, behind Luna. She’s got a sexy, sexy ass.” Ethan told her with a smirk. “By Celestia, you’re impossible!” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes as her horn began to glow. “Oh you know you love it.” Ethan teased before bopping her on the nose with his forefinger. “Either that or I’m too used to it to notice at this point, in which case I should probably seek out medical help.” Twilight replied dismissively as her horn’s glowing got even brighter. “I’ve been known to act as a therapist, maybe I could help.” Ethan told her honestly with a grin. Twilight didn’t bother responding, and instead released the spell, causing them both to vanish. Applejack walked into the room a few seconds later and looked around for Twilight before she let out a sigh when she discovered that her friend was gone. “Dangit, she’s not here girls.” Applejack reported over her shoulder to the other ponies in the hallway. There was a collective sigh of sadness from behind her and Pinkie stepped into the room followed by Rarity, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash. “Gah, I wanted to spend time with her for once!” Dash said in an annoyed tone. “I know what you mean darling. I like Ethan, but whenever he comes Twilight just ignores us and spends all her time with him instead.” Rarity agreed with a pout. “Yeah, it’s always Ethan this and Ethan that. I mean, it’s Hearth’s Warming Eve for Celestia’s sake and instead of spending it with us she’s off running around with that guy!” Dash said, obviously outraged. “Honestly, you’d almost think that they were out on a…” Rarity said trailing off “No… they couldn’t be!” She added with wide eyes. “Um, sugarcube? Ah think ya lost us.” Applejack informed the white unicorn. “Isn’t obvious?” Rarity asked them. “Isn’t what obvious?” Fluttershy asked quietly. “Well darling, they’re obviously having an affair!” Rarity mock whispered the last word, her eyes shining with the light of a million gossip papers on fire as she contemplated it. “Umm, Rarity? Ah don’t think that Twilight would cheat on Celestia. Not only does that not make a lick of sense, but ain’t Ethan married?” Applejack asked Rarity, who shrugged. “I think he might’ve mentioned it, but have you ever seen him with the woman?” Rarity asked her friends. “Ohh me, pick me!” Pinkie shouted as she bounced up and down excitedly. “Yes Pinkie, do you have something to add?” Rarity asked nodding to the pink ball of energy. “Oh no, I was just trying to distract you so that I could do this.” Pinkie replied with a grin. “This what dear?” Rarity asked. “Pie!” Pinkie suddenly shouted, causing Rarity to duck instinctively. Nothing happened. “Was there supposed to be a pie?” Rarity asked Pinkie, who shook her head. “Nope, I just wanted to have a nice non sequitur moment to spice up the syntax with a bit of humor.” Pinkie replied with a wink. “Pinkie, you’re so random.” Dash said with a shake of her head. “Right… Well back to the point, Ethan and Twilight are obviously having an affair!” Rarity said, getting back to her original topic. “So what should we do about it?” Dash asked. “Oh, we should throw them a secret affair party!” Pinkie said excitedly. “Pinkie, do you even know what an affair is?” Rarity asked her pink friend. “Well, according to my synonyms list it’s a matter, issue, or concern.” Pinkie replied with a grin. “Pinkie, it means that they’re cheating on their respective special someponies!” Rarity mock whispered. “Oh, that’s not good.” Pinkie said as her mane deflated. “No, it’s not good at all.” Rarity agreed. “So what do we do now?” Dash asked. “Now we set out to discover evidence!” Rarity exclaimed. “Rarity, ah swear to ya. If yall’re right about this, and ah really doubt that ya are, then ah’ll eat ma hat.” Applejack told Rarity firmly. “Well then I hope you brought salt.” Rarity replied. “Um, girls? Why don’t we-” Fluttershy began but was interrupted mid-sentence by Dash. “Fluttershy’s right. Why don’t we go and find them already so that we can find evidence?” Dash asked, stealing Fluttershy’s words. “But I-” The yellow mare protested. “Want to go now? Relax Fluttershy, we need to make a plan first.” Dash told her friend with a comforting pat on the shoulder. Applejack and Fluttershy exchanged a glance. Applejack rolled her eyes and silently shook her head; it wasn’t worth it. “The big problem is that we don’t know where they are.” Dash told Rarity. “You’re right darling; on the bright side I should be able to track them via magic.” Rarity replied with a grin. “Well why didn’t you say so?” Dash asked, throwing her hooves above her head in annoyance. “I just did.” Rarity said with a smirk. “Oh, yeah, right…” Dash said with an embarrassed chuckle. Rarity’s horn began to glow and she closed her eyes in concentration. She opened them a few seconds later with a smile. “I’ve got them. Now we go and see for ourselves.” Rarity said. “Fine, whatever; you girls do what ya want, but ah’ll be havin’ nothing to with this.” Applejack told them. “Me too, I just don’t think that Twilight would do something awful like that.” Fluttershy told the other three quietly. “Alright, but when you’re wrong you’ll be eating your hat Applejack darling.” Rarity told Applejack, who rolled her eyes. “Okay dokey loki, let’s go!” Pinkie told Dash and Rarity. “Just follow me girls, and we’ll catch them.” Rarity told the other two, who filed out of the room after her. “Ah just don’t get it, why does Rarity want to prove this so badly?” Applejack asked Fluttershy. “I don’t know.” Fluttershy replied softly with a shake of her head. “Having a good time standing around my room are we?” Celestia asked with a chuckle from behind them s,tartling the two ponies. “Oh, hey there Princess… how long have ya been standing there?” Applejack asked Celestia nervously. “Long enough to know that Rarity’s suspicion is complete nonsense.” Celestia said with a shake of her head. “Well of course it is; Twilight would never betray you like that.” Fluttershy said softly. “Oh I know Fluttershy; I think the others are just jealous of all the time that Twilight spends with Ethan.” Celestia told them with a sigh. “Honestly, I would be too if I didn’t know how much they meant to each other.” She added. “What do you mean Princess? Ah know that Ethan kept her safe and well fed but ah still don’t get why she likes him so much.” Applejack said with a grumble. “It’s because they risked their lives for one another under terrible conditions.” Celestia replied. “But so have we, and she doesn’t treat us the same way as she does him.” Applejack argued. “He was there when she first killed someone Applejack, that’s very different from anything that she’s done with you girls.” Celestia told Applejack. “Oh, shoot. Princess we’ve fought gods and won ah don’t see a difference.” Applejack replied. “I can’t really explain it Applejack. Just trust me when I tell you that you mean just as much to Twilight as you always have. It’s just that Ethan means just as much, but in a different way.” Celestia explained. “Alright Princess, um… we’ll leave you alone now.” Applejack said. “Happy Hearth’s Warming Eve you two. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a book to read.” Celestia told them with a smile. “You too Princess.” Applejack and Fluttershy said before they headed for the door. “What now?” Fluttershy asked. “Ah suppose we wait for the gang to get back emptyhoofed.” Applejack replied with a shake of her head. *** The world came back into existence and Ethan looked around interestedly. They were standing on top of an incredibly steep hill that had to be at least a mile high; how Ethan hadn’t noticed it before he had no idea, and on the ground next to them was a large red sled. “Umm… Sparky, what is this?” Ethan asked. “Well, remember how I always threatened to throw you off the mountain?” Twilight asked him. “Mhm.” Ethan replied with a nod. “Well I got to thinking; why don’t I.” She said with a grin. “You mean in the sled, right?” Ethan asked her worriedly. “Duh.” Twilight replied with a grin. “Fuck yes!” Ethan said with a smile as he jumped onto the sled and laid down, it was a large wooden toboggan with stainless steel treads and a body made out of red painted wood. “I hope you don’t mind me ridding on top.” Twilight added as she jumped onto his back and lay down. “Heh, I’m used to being ridden by women.” Ethan told her with a chuckle. Twilight rolled her eyes and magically pushed them towards the lip of the hill. “Are you sure it’s safe to do this while it’s dark?” Ethan asked as they neared the edge. “Yes, I talked to Tia about the possibility and she said that it was fine.” Twilight replied. “Where are we by the way?” Ethan added. “Canterlot Central Park.” Twilight told him. “Now hang on Ethan!” She shouted as she gave them one final magical push and sent them over the edge of the huge hill. Falling snow flashed past Ethan’s face as they rushed down the slope and he let out a loud laugh of joy that Twilight joined in. Twilight used a bit of magic to turn them slightly to avoid a large tree that had loomed up out of nowhere, causing Ethan to shout in surprise. They were heading for a large snow bank and with a little quick thinking Twilight formed it into a ramp. The toboggan sped off the ramp and into the air a few seconds later, gaining several feet of air time before landing again with a light thump. “This is awesome!” Ethan shouted back to Twilight as they maneuvered around another tree. “I know! I been doing this with Tia every year since I was made her student!” Twilight shouted back as they shot over another ramp and she let out an excited shriek. “It sure beats all hell out of what happens when it snows in the wasteland!” Ethan agreed once they’d landed. “What happens?” Twilight asked. “They starve to death.” Ethan replied. “Why did I ask?” Twilight asked with a shake of her head. “I don’t know, I think it’s becau- TREE!” Ethan suddenly shouted. Twilight looked up in time to see a large tree looming right in front of them. With a tiny shriek Twilight teleported them in front of the tree, minus the toboggan, which crashed into the tree. Ethan and Twilight were sent rolling down the hill, clutching each other for dear life. “Dammit Sparky!” Ethan shouted as he hit the back of his head on a rock. “Don’t blame me, you’re the one who was distracting me!” Twilight shouted back as they rolled over a patch of ice and were sent sliding several feet before they hit snow again. “Are we almost at the bottom?” Ethan asked Twilight as they were thrown into the air by a ramp that someone had left lying out in the snow. “I can’t tell!” Twilight replied before her head was forced under the snow and then just as quickly rose as Ethan’s was sent under. “You know, once you get past the cold and the rocks this is actually pretty fun.” Ethan commented once his head had risen again. “Why do you think I haven’t stopped us yet?” Twilight asked him with a smirk. “Oh, good point.” He replied with a chuckle. It took them another ten minutes to get to the bottom of the hill, and by that time they were both red-faced from the cold. Ethan’s duster and Twilight’s coat were covered in snow, dirt, leaves, sticks, and soaking wet from all the melted snow. “Wow Sparky, is that what it’s like to have sex with a unicorn?” Ethan asked her with a grin. Twilight groaned. “No, it’s much better than that.” She replied with a smirk. “Heh, I’ll bet it is.” Ethan agreed with a chuckle as he slapped her on the rump causing her to shoot him a dirty look. “Anyways, what now?” he asked her. “I’m feeling like hot chocolate, what about you?” Twilight asked him. “Never had it.” Ethan replied with a shrug. “Oh, then we’re definitely going for hot chocolate. I know this great little place. It’s really old and it feels like Starswirl the Bearded could just walk in and order something.” She told him with a grin. “Sounds good to me.” Ethan told her with a matching smile. *** “Did you see that? He slapped her flank!” Dash exclaimed from where she and Rarity had been observing their friend and Ethan. Pinkie had gotten bored and gone back to the castle already. “I know, I saw it Dash. Oh by Celestia I was right!” Rarity exclaimed in horror. “This! Is! The! Worst! Possible! Thing!” She added, falling backwards into her fainting couch. “But Twi wouldn’t, I mean, but…” Dash trailed off. “I was only looking for something to do; I didn’t really think that she was cheating on Celestia with the brute!” Rarity exclaimed. “Rarity, what are we going to do now? I mean this is horrible; how could she?” Dash asked. “I-I don’t know darling, I guess that we might as well keep following them and make sure that we’re not mistaken…” Rarity said before trailing off. “Yeah, yeah you’re right. This is probably just a misunderstanding, that’s all.” Dash said with a shake of her head. “Whatever the case may be we need to keep following them.” Rarity replied after taking a few moments to collect her thoughts. *** Ethan and Twilight walked down the stairs of the café, taking them below street level and into the basement of one of the small clothing shops that littered the Canterlot streets. The clock on the wall above the door read 9 o’clock. Twilight turned the doorknob with a small stream of purple magic before she slowly pushed the door open. The heady smell of pipe smoke assaulted his nose immediately, but Ethan found that it quickly faded into the background after the smell of good food overwhelmed it. “Ladies first.” Twilight told Ethan with a smirk. “Well you’re certainly no lady Sparky.” Ethan replied. “But you do have a certain set of equipment that I lack, so that probably means that you go first.” He added with a wink. Twilight rolled her eyes and entered the establishment first, followed closely by Ethan. The walls were made of some rich dark wood and the floor was made of a matching, if more worn, wood. Thirteen columns were set around the room in a large circle, and three tables were grouped around them. Each table had four chairs, except for one that mysteriously had only three. There were also fourteen booths for the patrons who didn’t want to sit at those tables. Most of the tables were occupied, and Ethan spotted the cellist Octavia and the DJ Vinyl Scratch in attendance. He received a nod from the former and a wide grin from the latter. He also noticed a walleyed grey pegasus and a brown earth pony, who was giving him the oddest look that Ethan had ever been on the receiving end of, and that was saying something. A circular bar made of polyurethaned mahogany sat directly in the center of the circle of columns, and there was an old grey unicorn working it. Twilight sauntered up to the bar, followed by Ethan. The grey stallion turned to regard their grubby attire with a critical eye for a few seconds as if to decide whether or not to kick their asses to the curve. Then with a shake of his head the grey stallion smiled at Twilight. “It’s been a while since you’d last been here Miss Sparkle, thought you’d died.” He told her with smile. “I’m hard to kill Regi.” Twilight replied with a chuckle. “Oh, so now you’re stealing my lines.” Ethan said with a sigh. “You know Sparky, you really should try and be more original.” He added. “Ah, and you must be the Crazy Son of a Bitch that Twilight here has been telling me about.” Regi replied with a chuckle. “I go by many names, but yes that’s one of them.” Ethan told the stallion with a grin. “Well it’s nice to finally meet the one who saved fatty’s bacon.” Regi told Ethan with a wink. “I’m not fat!” Twilight protested. “I don’t know Sparky, your rump certainly jiggles a lot when you walk.” Ethan put in. “You didn’t mention it when I was on top of you earlier.” Twilight shot back. “Well then I was enjoying myself to much to care.” Ethan replied before tweeking her snout with his thumb and forefinger. Meanwhile, Regi regarded them with a smirk that Twilight noticed. “It’s not what it sounds like… we were on a sled.” She protested. Regi just raised an eyebrow. “Trust me; I’m not into mares of any kind.” Ethan told Regi who began to smirk even wider. “You’re an idiot.” Twilight told him as she facehoofed. “What I mean is I’m not into pony women, they’ve got no breasts.” Ethan explained. “Well technically, we do.” Twilight said turning to him. “You call those things breasts?” Ethan asked, pointing to Twilight underside. “Well they aren’t dicks, so yes I call them breasts.” Twilight replied. “Your stallions don’t know the horrible fate that they’re suffering.” Ethan told her with a solemn shake of his head. “As much fun as it is to listen to you two yap; why don’t you place your orders and find a table?” Regi suggested with an amused grin at the two’s antics. “Um, right. Sorry Regi.” Twilight said as a blush spread across her face. “I don’t mind that much.” The grey stallion replied as he began to do the thing that barkeeps all over the universe did, he pulled out a dirty beer mug and began to clean it with an equally dirty rag. “We’ll have two hot chocolates, the special ones. The Crazy Son of a Bitch will be having a cinnamon roll and I’ll have two of the chocolate chip scones.” Twilight told Regi, who nodded. “I’ll send down the order and it’ll be out in around ten minutes.” Regi replied. “Thanks Regi.” Twilight told the grey stallion with a smile. “Twilight, you’ve been eating here on and off for twenty years and you got Celestia addicted to my sweet rolls. I should be thanking you.” Regi replied with a chuckle before turning away from her and tapping the ground a few times. Twilight nodded to Ethan and led him towards a corner booth. “I’m going to assume that you two know each other.” Ethan said with a chuckle as they sat down in the booth. “Oh, I’ve been coming here for years ever since I saw the grand opening sign on a walk home with Celestia, and all but dragged her in here to buy me hot chocolate.” Twilight said with a nostalgic sigh and a shake of her head. “I jumped around in a circle repeating the word yes…” “I’ll bet she hears a lot more of that word from you then she used to.” Ethan said with a smirk. “Either that or HARDER OH YES LICK ME HARDER!” He added, somehow managing to shout while making it impossible for anyone not sitting at the table to hear him; it must’ve been an acquired ability. Twilight glared at him pointedly. “I do not say that.” She told him. “Oh really?” Ethan asked her. “Yes, really you idiot.” Twilight replied. “So then what do you say while she gently massages your aching-” Ethan began but he was interrupted by Twilight’s leg slamming into his knee. “Ethan, I don’t ask you about what sounds you make while Cassandra fucks you so I’d like you to return the favor.” She told him as he rubbed his knee with his right hand. “Oh that’s easy Sparky. I say; oh god yes you beautiful sexy woman you, oh please fuck me harder!” He replied while he shifted his face to one of intense pleasure. “Impossible, you’re impossible.” Twilight groaned as her head hit the table with a quiet thunk. “You keep using that word Sparky; I’m not sure it means what you think it means.” Ethan told her with a chuckle. “Ethan, you’re the one who’s confused by the word alien.” Twilight reminded him. “Bastards, absolute bastards.” Ethan replied with conviction causing Twilight to roll her eyes. “By the way Sparky, do you know why that brown stallion keeps staring at me?” Ethan asked with a nod towards the stallion who they’d seen when they entered the restaurant. Twilight peered over his shoulder and saw the stallion, who was indeed staring at Ethan. “Nope, he’s probably just from one of the smaller towns and this is his first time in Canterlot, so he’s never seen anything as odd looking as you before.” Twilight replied with a shrug. “Alright then; so when does the food get here?” Ethan asked. “Right about-” Twilight began as the food randomly appeared on the table before them. “-Now.” She finished with a grin. A large, steaming, cinnamon roll covered in a copious amount of cream-cheese based icing sat on a plate in front of Ethan along with a tall mug of a chocolate colored drink topped with whipped cream and chocolate shavings, sitting on top of all that was a bright red cherry. Two equally hot looking scones flecked with chocolate chips appeared on a plate in front of Twilight, along with a matching cup of hot chocolate. A pair of forks and knives appeared in front of both of them to the side of the plates. “Wow, should I ask how that happened?” Ethan asked Twilight, who shook her head. “Consider it magic.” She replied with a smirk before she grabbed her fork and knife with her magic and began to cut herself off a piece of the right scone. “So, um, Sparky? How do I eat this?” He asked as he looked at the cinnamon roll. “Cut off a piece and chew it for a few seconds before you take a sip of the chocolate. Trust me, you’ll love it.” Twilight replied with a grin. “I always trust you Sparky.” Ethan replied with a grin before he stuck a bite of the cinnamon roll into his mouth. His eyes began to water and tears poured down his face. “Sparky, this-this is…” He was so overwhelmed by the flavor that he lost the ability to talk. “Now take a sip of the chocolate.” Twilight told him, and Ethan rapidly complied, getting whipped cream on his lips in the process. “It’s like a goddess is having an orgasm in my mouth.” Ethan whispered. “Tell me about it.” Twilight replied with a smirk. “Oh, I’m sure you know what that’s like.” Ethan agreed with a grin before he did something unexpected, he leaned over the table and gave Twilight a foam-covered kiss on the cheek. Twilight pushed him away with an embarrassed look on her face and began to wipe the foam off her cheek. “What was that for?” She asked once she’d removed the foam. “It was a thank you for taking me sledding and giving me this food of the gods.” Ethan replied with a smile as he took another bite of pastry. “Hey, what’re fire forged friends for if they can’t give each other advice on food and jump off mountains together on a rickety toboggan?” Twilight asked him with a grin causing Ethan to chuckle. “Good point Sparky; anyways, that was my way of saying thanks for an awesome and fun evening.” He told her with a smile. “Any time Ethan, any time at all.” Twilight replied with a small smile. “Alright, less talking more eating.” He told her with a wink. They both dug in and finished in around ten minutes. Twilight left some bits on the table and they made for the door; on the way out Twilight turned and waved at Regi, who nodded before getting back to cleaning the same glass with the same rag. “So where to now?” Ethan asked Twilight. “Have you ever been ice-skating?” Twilight asked him. “No…” Ethan replied. “Oh, you’ll love it.” She told him with a wink. “Why do I have the oddest feeling that you just want to see me fall on my ass?” Ethan asked. *** Rainbow Dash and Rarity, who were both wearing disguises, stared across at each other from their booth. “He-he kissed her!” Dash whispered furtively. “Oh my, it’s worse than we thought!” Rarity replied. “We-we have to keep following them, we’ve got to be sure!” Dash said. “Yes, I feel rather ill though. To think that our Twilight is cheating on Celestia with that… that ragamuffin!” Rarity said angrily. “I know what you mean.” Dash agreed with a scowl. “Well then we must be off if we’re going to keep up.” Rarity said with a shake of her head as she rose from her seat and plopped a few bits on the table. “Yeah, let’s go.” Dash said. *** Twilight and Ethan waked down the street towards a large open air skating rink, Ethan wasn’t sure why he’d never seen the thing before, but supposed that with a city as big as Canterlot is was easy to miss stuff even during an aerial tour. Ponies were moving gracefully over a magically repairing sheet of crystal clear ice, spinning and gliding here and there like dancers. Faster skaters wearing hockey skates zoomed in and out of the others, dodging aside and occasionally under the slower skaters who did their best to ignore them. Twilight walked up to the counter where a teenaged unicorn stallion was working. “Hi, I’d like a pair of size eight precision edges for me and a pair of size 25 newbies for him. He only needs two.” She told the stallion, who began to dig out the requested skates and tossed them to Twilight with magic. Twilight deftly caught them and tossed him a few bits before taking all six pairs of skates and leading Ethan towards a bench. “Sparky, I’m not so sure about this…” Ethan told her as he looked at the ice apprehensively. “Are you scared Ethan?” Twilight asked in mock concern as a smirk settled across her face. “I’m not scared Sparky, it takes more than a sheet of ice to scare me, I’m just worried about looking like a moron.” Ethan replied. “When do you not look like a moron?” Twilight asked him with a smirk. “That’s by choice Sparky, this is different.” Ethan told her with a huff as she began to lace her own skates. “Look Ethan, everyone sucks at first. I fell flat on my face although I’m guessing that you’ll be falling on your ass more than your face judging by you anatomy.” Twilight told him frankly. “H. u. r. r. a. y.” Ethan said slowly enunciating every letter. “That’s the attitude I was looking for.” Twilight told him happily. “Now do you need me to tie your skates for you or can you do it without me?” she asked sweetly. “I’m dunking you in snow.” Ethan informed her as he bent down and began to tie the skates. “You want to get them really tight, but not too tight.” Twilight added helpfully. “Thanks mom.” Ethan said, rolling his eyes. “Of course sweetie.” Twilight said with a grin. “Alright let’s do this.” Ethan said rising to his feet, he’d actually managed to tie the skates tight enough so that they didn’t shake around his ankles. A look of concentration crossed his face as he took his first step towards the ice; he managed not to faceplant. “Okay, this isn’t so bad…” Ethan said as he took another step forward. Twilight trotted along beside him with a grin on her face as she watched him take ponderously slow steps towards the ice. It took him around a minute to cover the distance, at which point he’d begun to master the walking style. “Are you ready for this Ethan?” Twilight asked him. “In the words of my wife; when about to try something extremely unfamiliar to you always lead with your face and be prepared to land on your ass.” Ethan replied, stepping fully onto the ice and taking a forward step. He promptly fell on his ass, causing Twilight to giggle. “Like I said, be prepared to fall on your ass.” Ethan told her as he shuffled to his feet. He stood there wobbling for a few seconds, and then took another step forward. This time he managed to stay on his feet, and a few minutes later he was already taking his first real strides around the rink while Twilight watched on in amazement at his progress. “Ethan, how did you get so good so fast?” Twilight asked as the man began to quickly glide across the rink while she skated along beside him. “I don’t know Sparky, I’m just goo-” Ethan was interrupted mid-sentence as he tried to dodge around an elderly couple and slammed face first into the ice. “Okay, I’m not that good.” Ethan muttered as he regained his feet and rubbed his nose. “Are you alright dearie?” The elderly mare asked in concern. “I’m fine; trust me, I’ve had much worse.” Ethan told her, she nodded and skated off leaving Ethan and Twilight to cruise along. “So Sparky, was there a reason that we’re here, or did you just want to watch me fall on my ass?” he asked her. “A little of Column A and a little of Column B.” Twilight replied with a grin. “So there is a reason then. What is it?” Ethan asked. “We’re being followed by two of my friends and I want to know why.” Twilight replied. “And us skating will help us do this how?” Ethan asked as he narrowly avoided another faceplant. “See the unicorn in the big hat and the pegasus wearing goggles over there?” Twilight asked with a nearly invisible nod of her head towards a pair of mares. “Yeah, I see them.” Ethan replied. “That’s Rarity and Rainbow Dash under a magical disguise; how she thought I wouldn’t notice it I have no idea.” Twilight said. “Anyways, we’re going to skate in that direction and then you’re going to accidentally fall on them, which should disrupt the spell.” “And we’re doing this why exactly?” Ethan asked as they began to skate towards the unicorn and pegasus, who were doing a remarkable job of not looking at them. “Because I want to know why my friends are spying on me.” Twilight hissed. “Ah yes I can see that.” Ethan replied. Then he fell directly into the two mares. They flickered for a second before revealing Rainbow Dash and Rarity, who began struggling to their skate shod hooves. “Rainbow, Rarity, what are you two doing here?” Twilight asked them. “I could ask you the same thing darling.” Rarity replied severely through narrowed eyes. “I’m spending time with a friend.” Twilight replied in confusion. “Oh really, is that all you two were doing?” Dash asked as she flew into the air. “Um, girls? We should probably move this somewhere where we won’t have to worry about getting hit by speeding ponies.” Ethan put in. “Shut up, no one was talking to you.” Dash said turning to Ethan. “You do realize that I could kill you in a few seconds, right?” Ethan asked her but the pegasus just bristled indignantly. “As if.” She said dismissively. Before the argument could get any farther Twilight’s horn flashed and they appeared off of the ice in front of one of the benches. “Now that that’s settled let’s get to the point; Rarity, why were you and Dash following us?” Twilight asked her two friends. “The better question is, Twilight, why are you cheating on Celestia with this monkey!?” Rarity asked angrily. “What?” Twilight asked flatly. “We saw him smack your ass earlier, and we saw him kiss you in the restaurant!” Dash added angrily. “You think that I’m cheating on Celestia, a literal goddess who I’ve known almost all of my life and loved most of that time because she’s the most beautiful, intelligent, and wise pony I’ve ever me... with Ethan.” Twilight asked them flatly. "Thanks a lot Sparky." Ethan said with a chuckle. “It’s obvious to everyone Twilight.” Rarity told her acidly. “I’d never cheat on my wife goddammit!” Ethan told the other two mares angrily. “I have two kids who I fucking love with all my heart, not to mention that my wife means more to me than anyone in in the world! Hell, I’d fight Satan himself with my cock while blindfolded with my hands chained behind my back for her!” Ethan shouted angrily, making Rarity wilt under his verbal assault. “Then why did you kiss her?!” Rainbow Dash shouted back. “Because I was letting her know how much it meant to me that she was taking time out of her busy life to spend time with me on one of the few occasions that I don’t have to spend my time constantly fighting for my goddamned life you fucking idiot!” Ethan snarled. “Not only that, but it was only a kiss on the cheek.” Twilight added, glaring at her two friends. “Yeah, well, you could’ve fooled me.” Dash grumbled. “But you slapped her plot!” Rarity exclaimed. “Yes I did. It’s called teasing where I come from.” Ethan replied. “Girls; why are you really mad at me?” Twilight asked them. “What do you mean?” Dash asked. “Look, I’ve noticed that you and the other girls’ behavior gets really hostile whenever Ethan comes here and I want to know what it is that I do that makes you angry so I can correct it.” Twilight told them. “It’s just that ever since you went to the Wasteland you seem to not care that we exist!” Dash exclaimed. “Yes darling, you spend all your time with him and this is a perfect example.” Rarity added. “It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve and you’re out here with him instead of up at the castle with the rest of us.” Rarity told her. “So… you’re jealous of the time I spend with Ethan?” Twilight asked slowly. “That’s putting it simply darling, we’re afraid that you’re losing interest in us.” Rarity replied. “That’s crazy girls!” Twilight exclaimed in annoyance. “I love you all like family, I’d never stop caring about you!” Twilight added. “Then why the buck are we out here in the middle of the city?!” Dash shouted. “Because I was trying to make sure that Ethan had a good time!” Twilight replied angrily. “It’s always Ethan, Ethan, Ethan!” Dash exclaimed. “When was the last time that we did something as friends without you mentioning him Twilight?” She added with narrowed eyes. “I-” Twilight began but she was cut off by Ethan. “Twilight, people are staring at us. Not that I particularly mind, but I just thought that you should know.” He said quietly. Twilight looked around to find that almost everyone that wasn’t on the ice, and several that were, were staring at them. “Look, can we please talk about this back at the castle?” Twilight asked her friends who nodded. “Alright, hold on a sec.” Twilight told them as her horn began to glow. “Sparky, when did you gain the ability to teleport four people that far?” Ethan asked her. “The same time that I threw two ten-ton behemoths through the roof of that building.” Twilight replied without batting an eyelash. “Oh right, that. I’ll just be shutting up now.” Ethan replied right before they vanished. *** All four of them flashed back into existence inside of the room that the girls had been given to share, startling Applejack, Fluttershy, and Pinkie Pie who had apparently been talking. “So do ah have ta eat ma hat?” Applejack asked Rarity with a smirk. “I suppose not, seeing how I’m apparently an idiot.” Rarity said, shooting Ethan a dirty look. “Like I’ve said before, I’d never cheat on Cassandra; not only do I love her and the Twins too much for that, but god I don’t even want to know what she’d do to me if I did.” Ethan replied. “Besides, Twilight’s behind Luna in terms of attractiveness as far as ponies go, and if I was going to be fucking any of you then it would be her, or maybe Sunny, but she might burn me alive mid orgasm so I’d have to think about it first.” He added with a grin. “Yes; anyways-” Twilight said with a roll of her eyes “- I wanted to talk to you girls because you seem to think that I don’t care about you anymore.” Twilight told them quietly. “Ah wouldn’t go that far Twi, ah just think that yall’re always thinking about either him-” Applejack said with a nod towards Ethan. “Or that hell hole he comes from, no offense.” She added with another nod towards the man. “None taken, although I should probably go and let you girls figure this out without me around to ruin the moment.” He told the group with a chuckle before he got up to leave. “Ethan, no one’s asking you to leave.” Twilight protested. “I was.” Dash said under her breath. “Oh, I know Twilight, but I need to talk to Sunny and Luna about something anyways and I figure I might as well do it now.” He replied with a shrug. Ethan gave an offhand wave as he walked out of the room looking back only long enough to give Twilight a half smile. “Look girls, I haven’t stopped caring about you.” Twilight said once Ethan was out of room. “We know that Twi, but ya just haven’t been actin’ like yourself ever since you got back and we’re worried about ya, least ah am.” Applejack told her. “Yes darling, and then you went on that adventure with him here last year and ever since you’ve been even more distant; it’s almost as if you want to go and live with him in that wasteland he calls a home.” Rarity said with a disapproving frown. “And you’ve been more violent.” Fluttershy added quietly. “Have I really?” Twilight asked in confusion, she thought that she’d been acting normal, or as normal as she could be considered at this point. “I actually haven’t noticed anything.” Pinkie said with a shrug, causing everyone to roll their eyes. “Yeah, look Twi we just want to make sure that you’re okay.” Rainbow Dash told her. “Girls, I’m fine. Really.” Twilight told them as levelly as she could. “Are you, are you really darling?” Rarity asked her critically. “Yes!” Twilight answered. “Then prove it.” Dash told her. “Alright I will, group hug!” Twilight shouted as she reached for her friends with her magic and pulled them into a big hug. The others joined in and soon all six were giggling to themselves as they pushed against each other in a ball of friendship. “Still worried that I don’t care about you girls anymore?” Twilight asked a little breathlessly once the hug was done. “Not completely, but you’ve certainly eased my worry somewhat.” Rarity said, the others nodded their agreement. “Good, so do we have any eggnog? Because I’m dying for some.” Twilight asked. *** Ethan knocked on the door to the royal suite, which was opened by Luna. “Oh, hello Ethan.” Luna said with a smile. “I thought that you’d be with Twilight and her friends.” She added. “They’re having some friendship issues right now and apparently it’s my fault.” Ethan replied with a shrug. “What did you do?” Luna asked. “Exist apparently.” Ethan told her with a sigh. “That seems rather cruel.” Luna observed. “No no, in this case I know where they’re coming from. It’s Hearth’s Warming Eve; she should be with her best friends, not me.” He said with another sigh. “Besides, I need to get back to Cassandra anyways.” He added. “Aren’t you her friend?” Luna asked as she got out of his way and ushered him into the room. “I am, but I don’t exactly fit with the rest.” He told her. “I see, and you’ve come to Tia and I so that we may send you home?” Luna asked. “That, and I wanted to ask you two for a gift if it were possible.” Ethan replied. “I don’t see why not, as long as it doesn’t involve giving you half the kingdom.” Luna replied with a chuckle. “Why don’t you come in and explain your gift idea to Tia and me?” She asked. “Works for me, it’ll probably take both of you to make it anyways.” Ethan said with a shrug. “What gift could possibly be so difficult that it needs two goddesses to create?” Luna asked. “Oh, I’ve got something specific; I don’t really know that much about either of your powers so I’m just guessing that it’ll take both.” Ethan replied. “Well I’m certainly looking forward to seeing what you want.” Luna told him with a smile as she led the way into the common room where Celestia was sitting in a chair, fiddling with a snow globe absentmindedly as she read a book. When she saw Ethan she looked up with a smile. “Hello there Ethan.” She said. “Hey Sunny, whatcha got there?” He asked nodding towards the snow globe. “Oh, this?” Celestia asked innocently as she sent the snow globe hovering in front of Ethan’s face. The main feature was an ice covered castle, but as he continued to look at into it he saw movement inside the glass and three pairs of icy blue eyes staring angrily at him. “Umm Celestia? Are you keeping windigos in this?” Ethan asked slowly. “Mhm.” Celestia replied with a small grin. “Should I ask why?” Ethan asked. “It keeps them from causing trouble.” Celestia replied with a shrug. “But aren’t they living, sentient creatures?” Ethan asked. “Nope, they’re mindless spirits of chaos.” Celestia told him casually. “So you just keep them in a snow globe where anyone who wanted to could just come up to and break?” Ethan asked incredulously. “Faust no! Ethan, this snow globe is protected by an extremely powerful layer of protection spells that would even keep Luna and I busy for a year or so.” Celestia replied with a chuckle. “Oh, did you make it?” “No, actually it’s Starswirl’s work.” Luna said from behind him as she walked past to join her sister in another chair. “Starswirl?” Ethan asked. “He was my old lover and magical genius; I would’ve made him immortal if he’d have let me.” Luna said with a sigh. “Anyways, I believe that you had a gift request for my sister and I.” Luna said with a smile. “Oh right! Sorry, I got distracted.” Ethan said with a slightly embarrassed look. “It’s fine. Honestly, I should probably put this somewhere safer where no one with magic can tamper with it.” Celestia replied with a shrug. “Hmm… my wife likes snow globes…” Ethan thought out loud. “Can anyone in your dimension use magic?” Celestia asked curiously. “Well there’s Obadiah, but he lives in the swamp half a country away from my wife.” Ethan replied “Oh, and he’s too busy keeping the swamp from going stab happy.” Ethan added with a chuckle. Celestia arched an eyebrow at him, and Ethan shrugged. “Your decision entirely of course. Anyways, that’s not why I’m here.” “I’ll consider it” Celestia told him with a wry grin. “So, what gift do you need both my sister and I’s power to create?” The white alicorn asked. “Alright, so I’ve been thinking. My wife and I can only see each other every so often because of the amount of time and energy it takes to get from one end of the country to the middle of it. Add to that the fact that I honestly can’t leave the Capital Wasteland for very long unless I want a lot of work to come back to, not to mention the lectures about responsibility that Elder Lyons gives me. Cassandra’s even more important to Vegas then I am to the Capital Wasteland, and can barely take a few days away with one of the factions trying to start a pissing match with one another that could turn into a war if she doesn’t pay close enough attention.” Ethan explained. “Anyways, it’s gotten worse being away from each other ever since the Twins were born and pretty soon they’re going to able to talk and actually remember stuff and I don’t want to miss any of it.” He continued. “So what is your gift request?” Celestia asked curiously. “Well I’d like a way to get to and from Vegas instantly, kind of like what Sparky does except on a much bigger scale.” Ethan replied. The two sisters exchanged a look. “Ethan, do you know how much energy it would take to make a spell capable of that?” Luna asked. “Not a clue, but I figure that you’re both goddesses so it shouldn’t be that bad.” Ethan replied with a shrug. “I’m sorry Ethan, but what you’re asking is physically impossible.” Celestia told him. “I thought it might be.” He said with a sigh. “Is there anything else that you want?” Celestia asked kindly. “Hmm… Actually, yeah there is.” Ethan said after taking a few second to think about it. “Would you get Sparky and her friends some gifts for me?” He asked. “Of course, just make a list and we’ll make sure that they get them, but there’s nothing that you want?” Luna asked. “Thanks. And nope, I’m good I guess.” Ethan replied. “Honestly, I didn’t even know what Hearth’s Warming Eve was until today so I didn’t exactly make a list ahead of time, although I can probably throw a few things together pretty quickly.” He added with a chuckle. “Surely there must be something that you want.” Celestia said. “Peace in the Wasteland where I don’t have to worry about keeping people safe and secure while I’m forced to kill yet another group of raiders who have for some reason decided that it’s a good idea to try and test me.” Ethan answered with a wry smile. “If you could get me that then I’d probably ask Cassandra if we could arrange a threesome.” He added. “Hmm… I might be able to think of some way to…” Luna began, but Celestia rolled her eyes. “We’d love to help you Ethan, but that would be overstepping our bounds as local deities.” Celestia said, interrupting her sister. “That’s fine, I was joking anyways.” Ethan replied with a chuckle. “So there’s really nothing that you want?” Luna asked. “Yep, I’m good.” Ethan said. “Besides, I didn’t get you two anything so I consider it fair.” The man said with a shrug. “Alright, if you feel that way then I guess that there’s nothing left for us to talk about.” Celestia said. “Yeah, I guess so. Would you mind sending me back to Vegas?” Ethan asked. “Of course Ethan, it would be my pleasure.” Celestia said as she rose to her hooves. “Oh, and tell your wife to be careful with this.” Celestia added as she levitated the snow globe containing the windigos over to Ethan, who snatched it out of the golden aura with a smile. “Thanks Sunny, I’m sure Cassie’ll love this.” Ethan said. “I’ll send you a marker that’ll tell you where the gifts are in one of those extra letter holders that I have.” Ethan told her. “I look forward to seeing it.” Celestia said with a smile before her horn began to glow. Ethan waved once to Luna before Celestia sent him on his way. “If only there was something that we could’ve gotten him.” Luna muttered. “I agree, hopefully Twilight has something planned.” Celestia agreed. *** Ethan flashed noiselessly back into existence right in front of the elevator in Cassandra’s suite. He looked at his pipboy clock, which told him that it was 10 o’clock. Cassandra should still be awake. With a grin, Ethan began looking through the rooms but they were all empty except for the one where Shade and Ash were asleep inside. A small grin touched Ethan’s face as he looked at his children, before he turned away from the room and made his way back into the main room. The elevator door opened and Cassandra stepped out wearing her riot gear, that was currently covered in blood. “You’re back early.” She said with a smile as Ethan stepped forward to give her a kiss. “Yeah, things went well for a change. No one tried to kill me.” Ethan replied with a grin once they’d separated again. “How did your meeting go?” “About as well as usual, Susan and I sat around and drank a little before getting down to business. Then one thing led to another and I was out in the middle of the desert dealing with some Jackals who thought that raiding my Vegas/NCR cooperation venture was a good idea. They won’t be bothering people again; at least I really doubt that they will.” Cassandra replied with a shrug as she walked towards the bedroom and began to strip out of her blood soaked clothing. “What did you do?” Ethan asked curiously, his wife had always been closer to the neutral side of the karma scale, which meant that she usually didn’t bother to actually kill people. Instead she opted for more…long lasting results. “Cut off half of their legs and cut off the other half’s arms, along with the normal.” Cassandra replied with a shrug while she began to change underwear. By the normal she meant castration. “God you’re scary.” Ethan told her with a chuckle. “Damn right I am.” She said with a wicked grin. “Anyways, I picked you a little something while I was in Equestria.” Ethan said with a smile as he took the snow globe out of his pocket and tossed it to Cassandra, who caught it easily. “Ethan, this is beautiful.” Cassandra told him as she gazed into the snow globe’s depths. “I thought that you’d like it. Oh, and it contains several evil magical beings that’re sealed in it for eternity, so try not to drop it.” Ethan said. “Well at least the beings are trapped, unlike that damned mask.” Cassandra replied with a slight chuckle. Ethan’s body stiffened for a second at the mention of that particular adventure before he joined his wife in her laughter. “Yeah, can we please not talk about that?” He asked. Cassandra pulled on a lose fitting shirt before she walked over to him and gave him a kiss. “Of course, sorry I forgot that you’re still sensitive about that.” She told him. “It’s fine. I just really, really hate that mask.” He said with a scowl. “By the way, do you happen to have a few boxes? Because I need to do some shipping.” Ethan added. “Sure, give me a few seconds.” Cassandra replied with a shrug. “And once that’s done why don’t we take a little time to celebrate?” Ethan asked with a wide grin. “What’re we celebrating?” Cassandra asked. “I’d say life, although I suppose love works too, although I’d say that they’re both a little clichéd. Then again neither would mean anything to me without you, so I guess that’s enough for me.” Ethan replied. He didn’t get a chance to say anything else for quite a while. *** The next morning Twilight and her friends met under the tree and began unwrapping gifts, several of which were marked Ethan’s signature. Twilight got an unopened ‘build your own robot’ kit that Ethan had found while he was scavenging in the wreckage of one of the many robotics factories. Even better, he also sent her a whole box full of deathclaw eggs. Much to her glee, Pinkie got a Rock-It Launcher, along with a detailed set of instructions so that she wouldn’t kill anyone with it by accident. Rainbow Dash unwrapped her gift to find a model vertibird which she thought was pretty cool looking, but kind of lame because it couldn’t fly naturally. Despite of her current dislike of the man, Rarity had to admit that the gift of a few prewar dresses so that she could compare designs with what humans had been designing and learn few new takes on style was surprisingly thoughtful. Applejack got a new hat made out of deathclaw leather, which she promised to wear the next time she had to tangle with a dragon. Fluttershy’s package had a few air holes and barking could be heard from within. She opened it to find a female puppy that slightly resembled a German Shepherd, although it was difficult to see after years of breeding. A note attached to a collar around her neck read ‘Dear Fluttershy. This is one of my dog’s puppies, please give her a good home’. Fluttershy was of course extremely happy to do so, although she was worried about Angel’s reaction. “I have no idea how he managed to get all these things together so fast, I mean he only found out about it yesterday.” Twilight said as she looked up from the manual on robots that she was reading. “Ah don’t know, but ah gotta say it was mighty nice of him ta do on such short notice.” Applejack replied. “Um, Twilight? Did we get anything for him?” Fluttershy asked quietly as she petted the puppy who was now snoring next to her. “Oh yeah, I got him something special.” Twilight replied with a grin. “What was it? Was it a party? Was it a cannon? Was it a shoulder mounted awesome party cannon?” Pinkie asked. “Nope, it was something that I thought he’d really like.” Twilight replied. “What was it?” Dash asked, looking away from her new toy. “Something that’ll have a deep meaning to him.” Twilight replied. “Aren’t you going to tell us?” Rarity asked. “Nope.” *** “Oh my god. Cassandra! She made me a bobblehead of myself!” Ethan shouted with glee as he pocked the small bobbing head. It was a perfect copy of him, down to the red duster and Novasurge that rode at his hip. It was so detailed that Ethan could trace the individual scars that marked his face, perfectly represented on the bobblehead’s own face. She even got his eyes right! “It looks just like you.” Cassandra said with a grin. “Now I just need to find a way to bring it to life and I can have a mini me!” Ethan continued with a giant smile. “Ethan, I’m pretty sure that the Wasteland would collectively shit itself if that actually happened.” Cassandra said with a chuckle. “Yeah, it would be great.” The man said, lost in thought. “Sadly, I doubt that it’s possible.” Cassandra told him. “Oh well.” Ethan said with a shrug. “So what do you want to do today?” He asked, changing topics. “Hmm… let’s feed the Twins, and then go kill some assholes.” Cassandra said with a grin. “That sounds awesome.”