Don't Sue Me Note: This story was created for the sake of entertainment purposes only, as I do not endorse the use of drugs or alcohol. Any comparisons to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Any quotes and references that have been stolen from much more popular people, media, or books is not.
The Quest For Cabbage
Chapter Sleven: I DON'T EVEN
Animal crackers, gummy bears, ginge-
"YES! GINGER SNAPS!" I exclaimed triumphantly as I held the bag of cookies over my head.
"Dun-nuh-nuh-nah!"
I brought my treasure trove over to Fluttershy's couch and flopped onto it, then I opened the bag of ginger snaps and started to chow down.
"Oh sweet apple bottom jeans, these are good." My mind started to wander and ponder philosophical questions as I continued to devour the cookies, one after the other. Why are they called ginger snaps? They don't have orange hair, nor are they pale. And why is it called Final Fantasy if there's 14 and a half of them? And why is everything different in Soviet Russia?
Fluttershy opened the front door which caused my train of thought to crash and careen off of a cliff. "Aww. I liked that train," I mumbled. Fluttershy's eyes widened in astonishment when she looked at me. "Oh hi, Fluttershy," I said. "Do you want a ginger snap? Apparently, nine out of ten nipples agree that ginger snaps are the greatest relief to relaxing stressed apricots. They're also yummy."
"Oh...oh dear," squeaked Fluttershy. "I knew this was a bad idea from the start."
"Really? I thought that nuclear fission was a great idea. Well, until it made Chuck Norris think that we were replacing him as the world's largest producer of roundhouse kicks. And that's where squirrels come from!" I replied seriously.
Fluttershy ran over and snatched the bag of ginger snaps from my hands. "Hey!" I exclaimed. "I was eating those ginger snaps!"
"Those aren't ginger snaps," said Fluttershy bashfully. "Those are my special cookies."
"I know ginger snaps are special, that's why they were the first baked goods to go into space."
"Oh no...how many have you eaten?" asked Fluttershy.
I counted on my hooves. "One, one, one, one, one...five. I had five ginger snaps....should I have asked first?"
"Yes, you should have!" squeaked Fluttershy.
"Sorry, Flustershy, I was reeeeally hungry and I saw the cookies and...well, that's pretty much all she wrote. Say, have you met Discord?"
What are you doing? Do you really want the ponies to think you're even crazier than you already are?
"Hey...shut up."
Fluttershy coughed, with brought my attention back to her. "Umm, who are you talking too?"
"Why, only the Patron of Trolls and the God of Madness himself, Sheogorath!" I exclaimed triumphantly.
I felt Discord facepalm...faceclaw? Wrong god, Waffle.
"Oops. I mean, the Apron of Moles and the Dog of Chaos himself, Discord! He's my invisible friend. You guys have met, right?"
Fluttershy looked at me in pure, unadulterated horror. "D-D-Discord? You are in...contact with Discord?!"
I nodded happily. "Sure am. Say hello, Discord!"
Even if I wanted to, which I don't, I can't talk to anyone but you right now. Yes, you're that special.
Fluttershy looked at me like I was losing my marbles. Actually, where were those marbles..? "Discord's just being shy. You know how gods can be." I looked around and realized that my source of food was now cut off. "Well, it's been fun Flutters, but I think I'll be taking my leave. Toodles!"
With that, I left her house without a backwards glance. I then proceeded to troll about Ponyville. If I remember correctly, I think it went something like this:
Well, at least that's how it felt for me.
I'm not quite sure what happened after that. I woke up in a dark room, and I noticed that my legs were hogtied together. I managed to flop myself over onto my side, so I could actually get a picture of where I was, as I had been on my back. The room was a dull grey colour, but the floor felt so soft. I couldn't see any windows or doors.
I looked around, the realization slowly dawning upon me: I was in an asylum. The padded walls and floor, the neutral colours, the hogtying instead of a straitjacket...everything added up. For once, I wished that I couldn't add.
Discord?
No response. I thought I heard a snigger, but that could've been me imagining things.
Apparently my awakening had been monitored, as I heard a scraping noise come from behind me. I weakly flopped around to look at whomever had entered my room of insanity.
Standing there regally in her royal attire was Celestia herself. Her hair flowed in an imaginary wind as she stared down upon me. I couldn't help but notice how sharp her ornamental...hoofshoes(?) looked.
"Well?" she said in a calm voice. "Do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"That depends: do you like bananas?" I responded tiredly.
My response obviously confused the Goddess of the Sun, as she frowned and looked at me wearily. "What type of fruit that appeals to me is off no meaning. I will ask you again: do you have anything to say for yourself?"
"Sure, why not. What I do this time?"
Out of nowhere, a list poofed into existence in front of Celestia where it was held by her magic. Inhaling, Princess Celestia started reading off a truly terrifying list of things. "Let's see here: You ran through out Ponyville screaming 'Trololol'. You taught Fluttershy's birds to sing incredibly inappropriate limericks. You went to Sugarcube Corner and ate every single thing inside, then spent the next five minutes licking the roof and complaining that the gingerbread was stale. You somehow convinced a group of ponies to play something you called 'Twister' which, by the end of the game, required three buckets of butter and a team of fireponies to untangle everypony. You started digging a hole in the middle of Ponyville claiming that you'll, 'dig to China, there's no ponies in China'..."
Taking another deep breath, Celestia continued, much to my extended horror.
"You managed to break into Carousel Boutique, steal a green wig, white powder, and red lipstick. You then engaged in a philosophical debate with Time Turner, while wearing aforementioned makeup and the wig, over the pros and cons of a world populated entirely by hedge-clippers. When you lost the debate, you screamed at him to, 'go fix the Dalek and trundle on back to Britishland'. After that, you ran into the Evertree Forest, then immediately ran back out after Angel, Fluttershy's pet rabbit, chased after you. You were screaming, 'Begone, Satan!', while you galloped back into Ponyville."
As Celestia paused again to take yet another breath, I thought, I am so fucked.
"You then broke into my student's home, raided her laboratory, then spent the next hour making some sort of machine. From all of the reports I received, it was seemingly capable of creating anything that you told it to make."
"I find that hard to believe. If it could make cabbage, I wouldn't be here," I interjected.
After raising an eyebrow, Celestia continued. "Strangely enough, after you realized that it couldn't create, 'the one thing I need to get out of here', you ended up pushing it up to the Ponyville cliffs and then threw it off declaring the machine, 'a complete and utter failure.' Needless to say, when my student found out, she was not pleased. It took my own intervention to stop her from, 'extrapolating the data from his brain on how to make that machine whether he approves or not!'"
I'll admit: you are, by far, the most entertaining person I've ever had the pleasure of watching for an extended period of time.
I'm fucked. "I'm fucked, aren't I?"
Celestia cocked her head at me. "What do you mean?"
"Quit fucking with me, Trollestia. YOU are the one that fucked me and everyone else over, not I. Why, if it weren't for you..."
"I don't like your tone."
"Bitch, please."
Celestia's gave me a death stare. "What did you call me?!"
I cleared my throat, as I obviously hadn't enunciated clearly enough. "I called you a bitch. Also, from this angle, I suggest that you stop eating cake: you're getting a bit pudgy around the edges."
The Princess of the Sun's eye twitched sporadically. I knew what was coming, and I just couldn't help myself.
"TO THE MOOOOON!" I yelled triumphantly before my reality warped and bent. In an instant, I found myself lying in a small crater on the moon. It was cold.
You just don't know when to quit, do you?
"Nope."