This day seemed to be mocking me.
By the time I had gotten back to Ponyville, everything seemed, more or less, the same as when I had left. There was apparent unease, but no chaos or panic anywhere. It was a good sign that everyone was still confident in Celestia and that my ruse was still working. For how long, I had no clue.
The four of us arrived at the library without any delays. Unfortunately, what was waiting there was a rather eager delay.
Lyra Heartstrings had found out about the human.
Thankfully, with everyone turned human she had no idea which one was the real human. I was not about to let her know it was me either. I had heard a lot about Lyra and her obsession of humans on many a sites back on the web. For all I knew, she could try to rape me in her current form just so she could have a baby from a human. I think the others would stop her, but that doesn’t mean she wouldn’t try.
Of course, would it really be rape if it was a hot chick going after me? As I looked at her from a distance when we recognized her and stopped a ways away, I realized from the way she looked, I might try and resist her for a minute and then probably give in. I think my brain would not be able to tell the difference and that would lead to bad decision making on my part. I honestly wouldn’t be sure whether or not I would hate myself afterwards either. I would rather just not have the problem surface at all.
“I think we are all in agreement that Lyra should not know that I am an actual human right?”
Everyone nodded.
“What about your name? She’s gonna ask ‘bout ya since we aren’t usually seen with ya and Seth sure ain’t a normal name. Least not for a pony.”
“That’s an easy one. I can just use my dad’s nickname for me. It’ll work for this.”
“Really? What’s that?”
“Buckshot.”
The three of them just stared.
“If anyone asks, I’m a new hand for Applejack. I would think Buckshot would work great for apple bucking am I right?”
Rainbow Dash burst into laughter.
“Hey! I thought I did a good job coming up with that! Or are you laughing at my name?”
“Don’t worry about it,” she said between fits of laughter, “You’ll never understand why that’s funny!”
Great. An inside joke. That was going to bug me for a bit.
“Alright then, since Applejack’s a terrible liar and Fluttershy probably won’t want to talk, I’ll run the story with Lyra. Dash, you back me up and Applejack if I ask you to confirm something just say yes and hopefully we can get past her without Lyra trying to make any foals with me.”
They all looked at me with disgust mixed with confusion.
“The internet can be a scary place. Let’s just go.”
They all nodded and Rainbow Dash led the way to the library. Because of the proximity we had to the library, we were able to hear Lyra's shouting rather quickly.
“Do you hear me Twilight? I want to see the human! It’s important!”
“Lyra! What are you yelling about?” asked Rainbow Dash.
Lyra turned to our group and started talking without seeming to notice our attire.
“Is that you Rainbow Dash? Good. You can tell Twilight to let me in. It’s important.”
“What is it that’s so important that you have to practically beat down the door to Twilight’s place?”
“It isn’t even Twilight’s place! It’s the town library! Just because she lives there doesn’t mean she can close it up if she wants to!”
Of all the times for someone to remember it’s a public place, it’s now.
“I’m sure your talk with Twilight can come when everypony doesn’t look like this anymore!”
“What are you saying!?! This is the best thing that has ever happened!”
Holy crap! She emphasized her point by pumping up her ‘assets’ if you catch my drift. There’s barely a man alive who can resist something like that!
Too bad she noticed she noticed my lack of resistance.
“I see there’s one of you who can see the charms of a human female,” she said as she seemed to look me over appraisingly. “It’s too bad you’re quite chubby. Who are you exactly?”
If I took every time someone called me chubby or some variation of it personally, there would be a nationwide manhunt for my ass.
“My name’s Buckshot. I’m the new helping hoof out at Sweet Apple Acres. Today was supposed to be my first day there, but now I can’t seem to be of any use considering that I’m some weird hairless ape.”
“That’s a horrible thing to say!” she said almost in disgust. “There is nothing wrong with this form! In fact, I am here to see if I can get Twilight to ask the Princess if she can keep me in this form!”
“That’s what you want to ask Twilight?” asked Rainbow Dash, “I thought I heard you say you wanted to see the human!”
“I heard that the human could use magic. I’ve never heard of humans being able to use magic before. Perhaps they’ve adapted in the wilderness. Either way, I’m willing to bet that the human is the one who caused this and if so I want him to make sure I stay this way. If he can’t, then I want the Princess to let me stay this way before the spell wears off.”
“Ah don’t know, it sounds like ya ain’t tellin’ us something. Either ya tell us or ya ain’t gettin’ in ta see Twilight.”
She looked nervous for a second and then sighed.
“Alright, but I’m only telling you this so you’ll let me in. You will let me in to see the human if I tell you right?”
“Sure we will,” I answered for the group. Applejack looked like she was going to object, but I waved her off in a way Lyra couldn’t see.
“The real reason I want to see the human…” she looked left and right and then leaned in, “is so that he can show me just how to be a human.”
“Ooooookaaaaay…” I said in a tone that almost begged her to continue.
“You know… everything about being a human,” she said in a semi-seductive voice.
I fucking knew it. She’s just as big a perv when it comes to humans as any guy I know. There’s no question in my mind that she would’ve pounced on me if she knew I was the only real human here. I honestly wouldn’t put it past her to jump some random guy before the spell wore off just so she could try and experiment. Time for a redirect.
“I wonder if that one fellow that gave us these odd clothes was that human,” I said to no one in particular.
“What did you say?” Lyra said from two inches away from my face.
I knee jerked away a bit. She seemed to just Pinkie teleport into my face. She was about two steps away from losing her mind in glee, I could tell.
“Yeah, there was this fellow who looked at us and said that we didn’t look right at all. Then, he snapped his little things on his hoof-“
“Fingers! They’re called fingers.” She interrupted.
“Alright, his finger hooves and suddenly we were in these getups. He said that these looked about right and kept walking on past us and Sweet Apple Acres.”
“Did he have a horn?”
“Come to think of it, no he didn’t. I’ve seen a-“
“That doesn’t matter! Which way did you say he went?”
“Well he went past Sweet Apples Acres in the opposite direction as we were headed to Ponyville.”
She squealed and then did something I only half expected. She grabbed me and kissed me on the lips. She didn’t give me any tongue which was something else I was half expecting and after a few seconds she stopped and smiled.
“Thank you so much! I’ll see you all later! I need to catch up with him quickly!”
After saying her goodbye, she started running off towards the way we came. The only reason I know is because I was still stunned from the kiss and she spun me around as she ran past us. I had no way to process this situation properly. I just got kissed by humanform Lyra. As sad as this sounds, it was also my first kiss. She was a pony. Well, she was very human right now. Damn you conflicting emotions!
I came around to the violent shaking that Rainbow Dash was giving me.
“Snap out of it weirdo!”
“You know, maybe I ought to at least give consideration to clop.”
“What the hay are talking about!?!”
I shook my head quickly.
“Nevermind. Let’s head inside.”
“Ah’m not so sure it was all that nice sendin’ Lyra off on that wild goose hunt.”
“To be honest, I was going to let her inside and show her that there was no human hiding in there, but then she would’ve gotten all grabby with Twilight and then we would’ve needed to subdue her and I don’t think any of us would want to resort to that.”
“Ah suppose yer right.”
I let everyone else into the library first. Then, I scuttle-walked in myself. This tree library needs to grow a bit more. That is just getting annoying. As I rose to my full height, I noticed the room’s other occupants.
Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, and Rarity were all standing on the opposite side of the room. While Twilight was still in her toga, Rarity had switched into something completely different. It was an impressive full length dress that ended about six inches from the floor; just enough to show off her feet. It was sporting a nice sequin design that seemed to slowly wrap around the dress in a spiral. The dress was a nice, deep shade of green and the sequins themselves matched her blue-grey eyes perfectly. The dress was strapless and she seemed to wear it perfectly like she had known how to from the start. Her hair, in its normal style, draped over the front of her dress instead of hanging behind her head. All in all, it was a very impressive style from a pony obsessed with style.
The fact that Pinkie was a nudist was predictable, however. A quick glance and I averted my eyes. I may have gotten away with looking before, but with five other women in there I knew it would have been suicide to stare at her naked body. It was too bad. Pinkie was sexy and stacked.
Of course, I thought about it for a second and quickly snapped my fingers. I looked back and was relieved that I had, in fact, hit Pinkie with my magic and not Rarity, since I doubt she would be happy that I changed her look. Of course, Pinkie now had a valley girl look going on. She was wearing a t-shirt that read I heart cupcakes. She also had a frilly pink skirt that went down to her knees. I also put a pair of sunglasses in her hair despite the fact that it was unnecessary. The most impressive feat was that I gave her a pair of high heels and she seemed to be able to balance perfectly in them.
“That’s simply amazing!” Rarity exclaimed. “Why, if I could get you to do that for my dresses, I could cut down on materials and I can take a look at my designs as I finish them! I could have custom orders ready in minutes instead of days! Then my prowess as a fashion designer would spread like wildfire everywhere!”
She then moved so fast that I thought she teleported from across the room and into my face.
“Please be my assistant at my boutique!”
I wasn’t sure about this. It didn’t help that she gave me some puppy dog eyes to boot. I don’t think I’ve ever had anybody give me that look before. It was both cute and pathetic at the same time.
“I’ll think about it okay?”
“Hmph! I’ll have you agree somehow or another. I can be very persuasive.”
“This isn’t the time for this,” interrupted Twilight. “We need to focus on the problem we have now. Namely, we’ve all been turned in humans.”
“For the most part, yes,” I supplemented.
“Never mind that right now. This is your doing correct?”
“Yes, and I’m sorry about it. I got frustrated that you kicked me out and I just did it without thinking.”
“It’s fine. How exactly did you manage to do it? I f we know more about it, then maybe we can reverse it.”
“Well, I got angry about it. Then, magic coalesced in my hand and I followed that by shouting and punching the ground. That’s when everyone changed. I tried undoing it right afterwards, but it wouldn’t work. Instead, I just gave everyone some clothing and used an image of Celestia to calm them all down. It’s working for now, but I’m not sure how long it will last.”
“You said you shouted when you did that. Did you shout anything in particular?”
I got a little uncomfortable with that, but answered anyway.
“I, uh, I yelled out ground pound.”
I saw Rainbow Dash start to snicker. Everyone gave her a glare and she quickly stopped.
“Anyways, from that it sounds like you were still in some control of the spell you used.”
“Yeah, that’s right I suppose. I kind of thought about how you said I would be a distraction and then thought I’d show you a distraction and then thought about a dome encompassing everything when my fist hit the ground. I didn’t really think it through after that.”
“Ah thought ya said it was an accident. That there don’t really sound like an accident.”
“I didn’t actually want any of this to happen! I got frustrated and just acted without thinking about any of the consequences. I’ve been trying to keep things calm and keep everyone from panicking. I also tried undoing it, but it just hasn’t worked.”
“This isn’t the time for that either,” Twilight interrupted again. “What matters now is trying to undo the spell or, if that fails, come up with a counterspell to reverse it.”
“Yes. With SCIENCE!!!”
“What are you-“
I interrupted Twilight’s question by snapping my fingers and changing her wardrobe. Instead of the toga I had given everyone, she was now in a full length labcoat. Underneath, she was sporting a blue shirt and some khaki pants. I also gave her a pair of glasses that were fitting on top of her head. Thanks to her unusual hair, the whole thing screamed mad scientist. Honestly, though, if hair was a normal shade of brown, she would easily give off a girl next door vibe.
“Ah’m startin’ tah think ya’ll are just dressin’ us up for your own amusement.”
“Trust me, if I was doing that you would all be wearing bikinis followed by me getting beat up while shouting totally worth it. Of course, I could always have not given anyone clothes. Would you have liked that better?”
“I would!”
“I’m not counting you in that, Pinkie. I already knew your answer from when I came in.”
“Awwww!!!”
“Can we please stay on track here?” interjected Twilight. “We need to work on this problem!”
“Especially before the Princess arrives,” I added.
“The Princess!?!” everyone yelled.
“Oh yeah," I stated sheepishly, "I forgot to mention that she’s coming personally. I’m worried that she’s going to yell at me and Twilight for this.”
“Why would she be yelling at me for this?”
“Student, teacher relationship. I screwed up and the teacher also takes partial blame. It’s kind of like how if a kid accidentally breaks a window both the kid and their parent apologize even if the parent had nothing to do with it.”
“How do you even know that the Princess is coming? For that matter how does she even know what’s going on?” asked Twilight.
“Oh that,” I started in a sing-song voice, “that is because since she used that scrying spell on me it now comes with the side effect of her being able to talk to me telepathically anytime she wants. Hold on just a second.”
I put my fingers up to my temple.
‘FUCK YOU TROLLESTIA AND YOUR STUPID SCRYING SPELL SIDE-EFFECTS!!!’
“Is it the Princess?” asked Twilight.
“No. I’m just testing to see if I can contact her that way or not. I’ll see whether or-“
‘Doo-dah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!’
Wow, that sounded creepy.
“Apparently, I can. Either that or it was good timing.”
‘You really ought to come up with a better name for me, Seth.’
‘Why should I? Trollestia is perfect and you know it.’
‘I suppose it matters not. I just wanted to tell you that I will be teleporting there in a few moments. Have you gathered the elements there?’
‘I have even though you didn’t tell me to.’
‘I knew you would. It was simply a matter of time.’
‘Terrific.’
‘On with it.’
‘Yeah. Yeah.’
“Celestia’s about to drop in.”
“What!?!” snapped Twilight. “The Princess is almost here? But I haven’t figured out how to fix things! If I haven’t figured out how to fix things then she’s going to be very upset with me! And then-“
“Yeah I think we know,” I interrupted. “No more Celestia’s student. No more Ponyville. Magic kindergarten for you. Trust me; it’s not going to be that bad. For sure not the last two anyway.”
I was unprepared by the fact that Twilight started to tear up.
“Don’t start crying, Twilight! I didn’t mean it! It’s my fault! I’ll take the blame for this!”
I was rambling whatever I thought would work to get her to stop. I was fully ready to do anything I said to get her to not cry. Crying is bad for all those involved. It makes the person crying feel bad, it makes those close to the person feel bad, and it makes the person who did it feel bad whether it’s by guilt or the others making him feel bad with violence. I needed to get her to stop and quickly. The question was how.
Unfortunately, that question was taken out of my hands as Celestia teleported into the library. She took stock of the situation around her. Her eyes finally came to rest on Twilight. Seeing her in this state, she trotted over and placed her foreleg on Twilight’s shoulder.
“Twilight, what troubles you my faithful student?”
“This mess we’re in hasn’t been resolved! Making you come to fix it yourself makes me feel like a failure and if I’m a failure you’ll no longer want me as your student!”
“There, there Twilight. Everypony fails from time to time. There is one lesson to be learned in victory, but a thousand lessons to be learned in defeat.”
“A Sun Tsu quote. Nice,” I said.
“What’s that?” asked Rainbow Dash.
“Sun Tsu is a famous tactician. He wrote a book on the subject. I’ve never read it.”
“Besides,” continued Celestia, “there is not a way for you to fix this by yourself in the first place. This was caused by chaos magic. Only the caster of the spell or by using the Elements of Harmony could this be negated. Chaos can only be stopped through harmony.”
“You’re right,” Twilight said; looking a little better. “I can learn from this. If I couldn’t, then I wouldn’t deserve to be your student. Thank you for cheering me up.”
“You are quite welcome, Twilight. Now, we need to deal with the problem at hand.”
Celestia turned and walked over in front of me. She had a neutral expression on her face that made me a little concerned.
“Seth, if you do not find a way to fix this spell with your own magic, then I will require the Elements of Harmony to repair the damage as I told Twilight.”
“I tried to undo the spell. I just can’t seem to figure out how to fix it.”
“You must do this. If you do not find a way without using the Elements, then it will not end well for you.”
Suffice it to say, I did not like the way she worded that. I almost did a cartoony gulp hearing that.
“Uh Princess?” asked Applejack.
“What is it dear Applejack?”
“Beggin yer pardon, but what did ya mean by sayin’ it wouldn’t end well fer him?”
“In order to remove the effects of the spell, the Elements would have to be used on the caster. Therefore, it would end up having the same effect on him as it did Discord.”
I swear I heard a pin drop somewhere.
“But Princess Celestia,” Twilight started sounding almost sad; “Seth doesn’t deserve that fate! He wasn’t doing this intentionally like Discord was! He shouldn’t be treated in the same manner!”
“I am aware of this. However, there is no other way than these two options to repair the damage that has been done. If he does not break the spell soon, it will become permanent. I cannot jeopardize the well-being of the citizens of Ponyville for one human.”
As she looked on at me, there was only one thing I could think of to say.
“Oh, this is just horseshit.”