Make no mistake. Humps are coming. With all their glory, and all their horror.
"That's some good drink." I stated, having just gulped down an entire paper cup's worth of what I can only assume to be fruit juice of some kind. It tasted of strawberries, bananas, and a whole lot of sugar.
"The best drink." Confirmed Pinkie Pie, who seemed relatively mellow for whatever reason. I can't remember a time when she wasn't excited about something, so this was strange. Perhaps all she needs is some sugar as a pick-me-up.
"Hey, you want some drink?" I offered, filling a new paper cup from the punch bowl on a nearby table. "It's fruity-liscious and chocked full of sugar."
She shook her head, waving her orange, poofy mane around. "Why would I drink that? That would just be silly. Not even I have the antidote." She giggled a little at that for whatever reason.
"Suit yourself. It's pretty good. My compliments to the chef." I stated before pouring more drink into my visor. I smacked my lips a little at the taste. Now that I think about it, there's definitely a distinct flavor that I just can't put my finger on. I'll just ignore it for now, though, as I'm no culinary expert. I'll have to ask the chef about that later. "Hey, who made this anyway?" It took me a moment to realize that Pinkie Pie was no longer in the area. Looking around I couldn't see her anywhere.
I just shrugged. It's a party, she probably went off to talk to someone else. I decided to do the same. With a skip and a hop I arrived near a small group of other ponies. One was light blue, another was purple, and the third one was a light shade of yellow. Remembering my manners, I decided to greet them like the proper gentleman I am. "Why hello ponies. This is quite a pleasant party, wouldn't you say?"
The purple pony turned to me, revealing a pare of beady, black, soulless eyes. Those weren't the eyes on any pony I've seen. Those are the eyes of someone who has seen some shit. Those are the eyes of a killer... It fixed me with an icy glare before opening its mouth and responding with a series of high-pitched shrieks.
I instantly realized my mistake. I had forgotten to introduce myself. I'm better than that. Momma halo didn't raise no fool! "I apologize for my rude behavior, miss. Let me introduce myself. My name is Halo man. And what might I call a lovely young mare like you?"
A light blush spread across her cheek, and she let up her hateful glare. After a moment she responded with more shrieks.
"My, what a pretty name." I complimented while taking her very flat, fin-like hoof in my hand and planting a kiss on the end with my visor. It was only then that I noticed that something was wrong. I looked up at the purple pony, now noticing its lack of fur or hair of any kind and its bottle-like nose. Not to mention it had fins instead of legs. Looking up I noticed that the two others with it that I previously thought to be ponies were similar.
I dropped her fin thing and took a few steps back. "No... No it can't be." The group of them fixed their eyes on me, drilling into my very soul with their hateful gazes. I could practically feel the malice behind those black, piercing eyes. "It-It's not possible..." I continued, taking another step back. "You're not possible!"
The purple one took a step towards me, the edges of its mouth curling up into a sinister grin, revealing a set of tiny, pointed teeth that were clearly meant for stabbing into flesh. It let out a short chuckle that sent chills up my spine, before speaking in perfect english. "For too long you have killed our younglings. For too long you have hated and despised us despite our indifference of you."
I shook my head in denial. There's simply no way these creatures could be... Them. Bottle-nosed dolphins aren't real! They're just a myth! There's no way Bungie would let such abominations exist! "No! You're no real!"
"Aren't we?" It chuckled its horrible chuckle once again. "We've been watching you, Halo man. We know all your secrets. We know how you feel about fish..."
"You're lying!" I screamed.
"NO! You're lying to yourself!" Its words shook me to my very core, but it wasn't finished. "We could simply kill you as you have done to so many of our kind in the past, but then you wouldn't learn anything. Instead we'll turn you into the very thing you despise. A fish, like us."
I was finally table to tear my gaze away from the purple bottle-nosed dolphin and looked frantically around the room for an escape. My heart skipped a beat as I realized that all of what I previously thought to be ponies were actually dolphins. Their slick skin came in all colors of the rainbow, but what they all had in common were their dark, murderous eyes, all of which were focused on me. I tried to scream, but I found that I couldn't make a sound.
"One of us. One of us. One of us." They started chanting while taking slow steps towards me. That was finally enough to jar me out of my shock, and I turned and sprinted away screaming in the most dignified manner you can imagine. I barreled through another door, and slammed it shut behind myself. Leaning up against it, I stood there panting for a few minutes as my heart beat away at my ribcage like a stereotypical angry landlord with a broom who wants nothing more than for you to be perfectly quiet at all times.
Finally it began to slow down and I was able to examine the room further. The first thing I noticed, is that Pinkie Pie was about two feet to my left with a huge smile on her face. Next I noticed that the room appeared to be a kitchen. "Hey Pinkie. There aren't any dolphins in here, are there?"
She flat our laughed at my question as though it was the funniest thing ever. After about a minute, she managed to get herself back under control, and wiped the tears out of her eyes. "Nope." She managed to stifle another laughing fit before continuing. "No dolphins in here."
"Shewf." I sighed in relief. "Thank Bungie. The last thing I need is a bunch of giant fish trying to assimilate me."
"Actually. Dolphins are mammals." Pinkie Pie corrected. I decided it was just more of her shenanigans, though. No way a mammal could possibly be that evil. We sat there in silence for about half a minute before she continued. "Oh, didn't you want to compliment the chef?"
"As a matter of fact I did. Where is this chef?"
A deep voice to my right answered that. "Right here." I slowly craned my neck to the right, only to see a tall, olive-green halo standing on the other side of the kitchen. "I'm the Master Chef." I now took note of the white chef's hate he wore atop his helmeted head.
"You made that drink?"
"Sure did." He responded back in a smug tone. "Did you like it?"
"It had enough sugar in it to kill a hippo-pote-amus." I responded honestly. "But it was pretty good. But what was the other ingredient? I tasted something different, but I didn't know what it was."
He let out a hearty laugh, which seemed strangely out of character. "You mean the rat poisoning or the gasoline?"
"What?! You poisoned me?!" I asked incredulously. I thought me and this guy were friends.
"Of course not. Dolphins are immune to rat poisoning." I instantly saw a flaw in his logic.
"But I'm not a dolphin!" I protested. Pinkie instantly started rolling around as a fresh bout of laughter overtook her.
"Oh really?" Asked Master Chef, the smugness in his voice was literally palpable. "Then why do you have fins?"
"I don't have fi-." I wasn't able to continue that thought as I looked down and saw that my arms were now flat and wide paddle like objects. Gazing further down I saw that my legs were replaced by a long muscular tail that ended in a flipper. "No.... NO!" I shouted in denial. Denial is the first stage of grief, after all. I nearly went into a panic attack, but by some miracle that I can only attribute to Bungie's undying love for me, I managed to form a coherent thought. "But, dolphins hate gasoline."
Master Chef laughed along with Pinkie Pie for a moment before answering. "You're not a dolphin! You're a robot dolphin!"
"WHAT!" I yelled out in equal parts rage and confusion. "I'm not a robo-." I once again trailed off as my armor released bouts of steam from all the joints with a loud hiss before falling away in multiple pieces. Underneath was nothing but wires, circuit boards, and pistons revealing that I was, in fact, a robot. There were no words in the english language to ever hope to convey the amount of not wanting that I had right now, but I did my best with what I had. Pointing my robotic flippers to Bungie's heavens I shouted with all my might.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I woke at that point. Thankfully it was just a dream, and not even among the stranger ones I've had. Dream or not, my big ol' heart was racing faster than Seabiscuit pumped full of experimental horse steroids. I wiped the sweat off my visor with a hand as I got up out of bed.
"I really need to stop reading those horror stories about dolphin rape caves." I muttered to myself as I walked into the bathroom. "Thankfully dolphins don't exist in real life." Once I got into the bathroom I splashed some cool water into my face from the sink in an attempt to wake up and rid my mind of that horrible dream.
Looking at myself in the mirror, I was glad to see that I'm neither a robot nor a dolphin. Both of those are things that I really don't want to be. The next thing I noticed is that I really need to shave. I didn't shave for the last two days, so it was starting to get noticeable. Looking around a bit, I realized that there weren't any razors anywhere for me to use. I guess ponies probably don't shave given the fact that they're completely covered in hair, so I shouldn't expect there to be razors...
Sighing, I decided to just use my combat knife. I pulled the short blade out and instantly went to work scraping off the unwanted hair growing on my chin and lower visor region. I was extra careful, though, since knifes are apparently sharp enough to easily pierce even the thickest of halo armor. I'd know since I've assassinated multiple halos with them before. Now that I think about it, I don't know why I punched other halos instead of just stabbing their shit with my knife. Or I could like, tie a knife to my arm and then punch people or something. I'll have to try that out some time.
Then I noticed something strange in my HUD. Right next to my plasma grenades was an icon of another grenade. I looked down and, sure enough, there was a promethean pulse grenade on my belt. I don't even remember getting that. Maybe I picked it up when I was humping that dead halo... Whatever, it isn't important anyway. Promethean grenades are completely worthless. Maybe I can give it to someone as a gift or something. It would make a great paperweight.
Having finished up my personal hygiene requirements, I was now able to take on the world! I pushed open the door and took a deep breath of the fresh midmorning equestrian air. I had a feeling that today was going to be a great day. So great, I skipped the stairs entirely, and instead just jumped off the balcony that connects all the second story rooms of the motel. My feet didn't even hurt a single bit as I landed on the cobblestone road.
Looking around, I didn't see any ponies out and about. It is a small town though, so I guess there just aren't many ponies. I decided to take a look around town while I was in such a good mood. I didn't look around much yesterday as I was far too tired. I pretty much just talked to Pinkie for a while after getting to my room before eventually going to sleep. Of course now I'm all rested and ready for adventures.
Most of the buildings in town were pretty similar in design and therefore boring. I mean really. Two-story wood homes with thatch roofs? What, are they trying to put me to sleep? Thankfully, it didn't take too long before I found a building worthy of capturing my interest. It had wooden walls, much like the other buildings, but the roof looked to be made of gingerbread bordered by white frosting. Of course, I wondered what any sane halo would wonder in a situation like this.
"Is that real gingerbread?" I questioned no one, since no one was around. Without waiting for an answer from previously mentioned no one, I walked up to the building and studied it a little closer. Thankfully, my great height, at least compared to tiny ponies, allowed me to easily see the roof above the door. It certainly did look genuine, but there's only one way to be sure. I reached up and grabbed a chunk of roof with my muscular fingers and ripped it off. Without stopping to contemplate whether this was a good idea, I shoved the hunk of roof into my visor. I instantly spat it out.
"Awww gross. It's all soggy!" Sure enough, it was real gingerbread. You might think that that would be tasty, but it's not. I have no idea how long this stuff has been sitting out here exposed to the elements, but I can say from experience that it has been far too long. I don't even know what would prompt someone to build a house out of food. That's just stupid. The only explanation I have for why the whole roof hasn't been devoured by hungry insects and raccoons is magic, and that's the same explanation I use for everything.
I then noticed voices coming from somewhere on the other side of the building. Completely forgetting the gross gingerbread-roofed building, I walked around to see what was going on. It wasn't hard to spot the multicolored mob down the street where the noise was coming from. They were gathered around a big circular building and talking amongst themselves. So that's where all the ponies are at.
"I've never been in a mob before." I squealed excitedly as I ran over towards the large gathering of ponies. Maybe they were assembling to burn a witch or something. I've always wanted to go on a witch hunt. They sound like a lot of fun. Why else would the spanish winquisition do them? Once I got close, I was able to see over the crowd of short ponies.
Up in front, Rarity seemed to be arguing with some black cloaked pony. That is, until the cloaked pony fired a red laser out of its horn and covered Rarity in what looked like a traditional mexican dress. Of course, In typical Rarity fashion, she stated how tacky it was before fainting. Thankfully, Applejack was there to catch her and carry her off with Pinkie Pie following closely behind. Then Twilight Sparkle, Spike, and Rainbow Dash showed up and started yelling at the pony.
She pulled the hood of her cloak away revealing her to be none other than... I don't know... A blue unicorn I guess. She then fired another red laser at Rainbow Dash, causing one of her wings to grow to a size that could perhaps obtain lift on its own without the use of magic. Needless to say, she crashed within seconds. She does that a lot, so I'm sure she's used to it by now.
What I was confused about, is why the crowd was just sitting here. I mean, I haven't been in any mobs before, but I'm pretty sure the idea is to rush the enemy with our superior numbers. I decided that if the ponies weren't going to take the initiative, I would. "Burn the witch!" I shouted, pointing at the blue pony up front.
Instantly, all eyes turned to me, and the crowd parted away from me. Some mob they are... "Fine, I guess I'll just burn the witch by myself."
The blue pony just scoffed at me. "Who are you calling a witch you... Purple robot monkey?"
Now it was my turn to scoff. "I'll have you know, I'm neither a robot nor am I a monkey and I find both those terms highly offensive. I am Halo man, scourge of the seven seas." I posed dramatically to let her know I meant business.
Her response was to flat out laugh at me. "Halo man? What a stupid name."
Oh no she di'int. No one, adorable pony or otherwise, makes fun of my name. "Guuuurl, you trippin' if you think you can come up in here callin' my name stupid dressed in rags like those." I said with all the sass of an angry black woman on international angry black woman sass day. "I oughta' slap a bitch."
"You dare challenge The Great And Powerful Trixie?!" She shot back angrily.
Wait, what? "Who?" I questioned.
"ME!" She shouted angrily. Jeez, it's not like it's my fault that she's speaking in third person. I thought she was talking about someone else...
"Enough, Trixie! You need to stop harassing my friends and leave Ponyville!" Ordered Twilight, only to get an angry glare from Trixie.
"That's 'The Great And Powerful Trixie' to you!" She yelled back. I couldn't help but laugh at that, which caused Trixie to redirect her glare to me instead. "What's so funny?"
"No way that's your name... Who would name their child something that stupid?" I questioned, still chuckling a bit. She frowned at me, but instead of answering she levitated an I.D. from under her cloak up to my face. Sure enough, her name is literally 'The Great And Powerful Trixie'. "Oh." I responded lamely.
"My parents had a strange sense of humor." She explained. "Anyway, I'm here to prove that I'm the most powerful unicorn in all of Ponyville! And by extension, all of Equestria."
"This again?" Questioned Twilight with a roll of her eyes. "You really came back for that?"
"I thought she was a witch." I stated honestly. "I thought the mob was here to burn her."
"Wha?" Was Twilight's only response. Is the concept of burning witches really that alien to her?
"I'm not a witch!" Shouted T.G.A.P.T who was starting to look more and more angry as this conversation went on. "I won't stand here and let some deformed minotaur insult me. First I'll deal with you, then I'll show Twilight how superior I am."
"Whatever 'The Grape Apple Pear Trixie'! That's right, you're a fruit. OOoooooOh! You best apply cold water to that burn." My insults are so fresh you can suck my nuts.
"We'll see who's a fruit..." She taunted as her horn was engulfed in a red glow.
"Pshhh. I've seen stronger unicorns in the toilet." Her taunts don't work on me, I'm not afraid of her at all. I honestly haven't seen stronger unicorns in the toilet, though. In fact, I've never even seen a unicorn in a toilet, but she doesn't need to know that. "I doesn't afraid of you!" I had to quickly jump to the side as another red laser shot from her horn. The only experience I've ever had with red lasers is from getting hit by spartan lasers, which usually results in my painful death, so I can only assume these lasers are similar. The magical laser flew through where I was previously standing and hit a tree on the other side of the town square, turning it into a pile of fruit.
Shit, she almost turned me into fruit. That's not what I am! The worst part is, the ponies are vegetarians. If I get turned into fruit they won't be able to keep themselves from devouring my juicy, succulent flesh! I had to jump away once again as she fired another laser at the spot I was standing, leaving behind a large scorch mark on the grass.
"This bitch be crazy!" I yelled out while sprinting around to avoid any more lasers.
"Stand still!" Ordered Trixie as she tried to aim her horn at me. No way am I letting this bitch make fruit out of me. "Fine, I'll just use something you can't dodge." Instantly, a sphere of red magical energy began forming around her horn. During all of this, the other ponies just stood and watched like I was putting on a show for them or something. Well fine, I don't need their help anyway. I may be against hurting adorable, little ponies, but she was just asking for it at this point.
I stopped my running and pulled the EMPeePeePuncher off my belt with all the speed of a quick draw champion and began charging it up. "So I heard you like lasers." I taunted as I leveled the gun at her face. The second it was fully charged, I released the trigger, firing a glowing green blob of plasma through the air.
She hardly had time to blink before the plasma hit her directly in the face. Her eyes remained scrunched up for a second, before she tentatively opened them and looked herself up and down. Once she realized that she hadn't been vaporized, her cocky smile returned in full force. "Is that the best you can do? And here I thought you might actually put up a fight for a second. Now then, allow me to show you real magic." She pointed her horn at me for a few seconds before looking confused. "Why isn't it working."
I honestly wasn't sure what just happened. I had intended to burninate her with my laser, but I guess it just EMP'd her instead. EMP does stand for electromagical pulse, after all. "You got EMP'd, therefore no magic for you." She looked shocked, which allowed me to simply walk up and slap her across the face. I learned from the guards in Canterlot not to slap too hard, though she did deserve it. "Told you I'd slap a bitch."
Perhaps I did slap her too hard, though, since she then turned and ran out of town crying. Oh well, I don't even feel bad. Sadly, after all that work, there wasn't even a single corpse for me to hump. Suddenly all the town's ponies started cheering and clapping their hooves together at my victory and I couldn't help but blush a bit at all the attention.
Finally, Twilight decided to join back in the conversation. "What happened?" She asked. Thanks for the help by the way Twilight... And by 'help', I mean 'the opposite of help'.
"Like I said, I sapped her magic via my magical alien gun." I said while pointing to my still smoking plasma pistol.
"Will it come back?"
Will it? I mean, I think it will. "Heh, I assume it will. It never lasted forever when I used it on other halos and vehicles and stuff." She looked relieved that I hadn't permanently removed Trixie's magic, even if she was being a jerk with it.
"Well then, I'll just go back to practicing my magic for when Celestia and the delegates from Saddle Arabia arrive." Said Twilight as she walked off.
And once again, Halo man saves the day.
--
Dolphin rape caves... This is why I hate the ocean. That, and the millions of other abominations that live there.