//------------------------------// // Wedding Bells and Feathers // Story: Beauty and her Spike // by FlimFlamBros. //------------------------------// “There she is, Consort,” smiled Blueblood, spying in the bushes, gazing at a lone pony standing in the middle of the town. “The mare of my dreams just sitting there all alone, just begging for me to sweep her off her hooves and take her back to my castle. I think I may even hold off on throwing her in my dungeon.” “That’s wonderful sir,” said Consort. “But I must tell—“ “I’m going to do it!” the prince said, jumping out of his hiding spot and looking at his love sitting at the local diner. “Take notes if you want to Consort, you may learn a thing or two about chivalry and courting.” The red-coated unicorn sighed. “Very well, your highness. Should I take notes from here, or would you prefer if I stand next to you and observe?” “Stay here, you old colt,” snorted Blueblood. “I don’t need some relic cramping up my style.” “As you wish, master.” “Good, now observe,” he said as he crossed the street and walked up to the café. The pony he had his eye on looked at him curiously, scrunching its eye as the young prince took a seat at the table. “Umm, hello?” asked the pony. “Hey there good looking,” said Blueblood. “There must be a lot of questions going through your head so let me answer a few. No, you are not dreaming. This is all real and I am the Prince Blueblood.” “Really? Because I heard that he was in town but I never got a chance to meet him.” “Well, here I am,” grinned Blueblood. “And I must say that you are one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen.” “What?” blushed the pony. “Y-you think I’m beautiful?” “The most precious and stunning of flowers in this town of weeds!” said Blueblood. “From the moment I first laid my eyes on you, I knew you were the one! The one to break my cold and bitter heart. You make me want to be a better stallion, to forgo my old and cruel ways!” “You were cold and cruel?” “Alas yes,” courted the white stallion prince. “But no more! I would give it all up for you.” The pony giggled. “I’m flattered, really.” “Oh I would tear mountains apart and drain the very seas just to see you smile,” smiled the prince. “Tell me… What is your name?” “Thunderlane,” the pegasus stallion smiled back. “But you can call me whatever you want.” “I will call you my beloved,” cooed Blueblood. “Your beloved?” reddened the black stallion, his heart racing faster and faster as he stared into the beautiful eyes of his prince. “Celestia, this is all happening so fast!” “Do you believe in love at first sight?” the prince asked. “I do now,” Thunderlane said dreamily, taking Blueblood’s hoof. “I never thought I would find a stallion in my life, and so handsome too.” “And I the same,” agreed Blueblood. “Who would have thought I could find a mare as perfect as you?” “What?” “You, Miss Thunderlane,” grinned Blueblood, kissing the stallion’s hoof. “You are as beautiful as the night, and as radiant as the day.” “Umm… I’m a guy.” “Hmm?” “I’m a guy,” repeated Thunderlane. “Oh you wit!” laughed the prince, not realizing that Thunderlane was indeed a stallion. “Pretty and funny! I like that.” “No seriously, I’m a guy,” said the black pegasus. “’Wait, you thought I was a mare?!” “Well, aren’t you?” “NO!” “This joke is getting dry,” muttered Blueblood. “I know that you’re a mare. There is no fooling this iron mind!” PISSSSSSSSSS “Ah goddess, my eye!” screamed Blueblood, his eyes burning from the mace Thunderlane had sprayed on him. “What stallion carries around mace? Tell me that, pretty boy!” he yelled, clutching his eyes shut as he rolled on the ground in agony. “You’re a jerk!” grumbled Thunderlane, spreading his wings and taking off into the sky. As he flew, he looked back only once, shedding a tear over what could have been. “Sir, are you all right?” called Consort, popping his head out of the bush. “No, I’m not all right you idiot! I just got maced by a he-she!” “I tried to tell you sir, but you didn’t listen,” sighed the advisor pony. “But I assume this is that stallion’s entire fault and you would like to put his execution in the schedule?” “Finally, you’re doing something useful,” mumbled the prince, getting up off the ground. “Consort, I can’t see.” “A terrible side-effect of mace to the eyes, my liege.” “I need you to get me back to the train cart so you can wash this out,” said Blueblood, flailing around blindly. “Consort, where are you?” “Over here, sire,” droned Consort. “I will be your eyes.” “Be my legs too, will you?” he said, jumping onto the older pony’s back. “I don’t feel like using the royal legs.” “Yes sir!” grunted the aged unicorn under the weight of the prince. “After we get your vision back, perhaps we should return to Madam Rarity. She seems to be the only female in this town you desire.” “I suppose…” mumbled the prince. “We are sure she’s female, correct?” “I am sure, your greatness,” said Consort as he moved in a sluggish pace. “Sir, perhaps we could get to the train cart faster if you were to get off of me.” “Or…” Blueblood droned, “You could walk faster.” “Yes, of course…” muttered the red-coated advisor, struggling to stay standing. “Once you clean me up, I want you to gather the rest of the servants and organize a wedding outside of What’s-her-name’s house.” “Sire, a whole wedding?” “Of course!” Blueblood said, “I want to be married as soon as possible.” “If you say so—Ooof!” grunted Consort, his back finally giving under the weight of the prince as he fell to the ground. “Such a disappointment,” tsked Blueblood. “I know…” moaned Consort. ***** After making their way back to the Royal Train Cart, Prince Blueblood cleaned out his eyes, had a quick colouring session, and had the other servants prim, pamper and groom him back to princely perfection. Meanwhile, Consort was busy trying to snap his spine back into place with the help of one of the maids. “Now hold still,” grunted the silver-coated maid. “I can’t pop it back into place if you keep squirming around.” “Sorry, Feather Duster,” said Consort, wincing at the touch of her hoof on his back. “But even your gentle and angelic touch causes me pain.” “I still can’t believe you would let him ride you like that,” grumbled Feather Duster. “He’s such an impudent pig! He could have seriously hurt you!” “Yes, well…” groaned the red-coated advisor. “Over the years, I’ve built up a tolerance for idiocy.” “After all you do for him, after all those years you’ve taken care of him,” said the maid. “He still treats you like a used tissue. You shouldn’t have to stand for that.” “Feather, I have watched that boy grow up from a cute little foal to an egotistical monster,” sighed Consort. “I don’t know how that really happened. I did my best to raise him, teach him right from wrong, to treat others with respect and kindness, to be generous and honest. But somewhere along the road, he must have gotten lost. I suppose I failed him and feel I must stay with him to make sure his royal dumbness is kept in check.” “You didn’t do anything wrong,” said Feather Duster. “You loved that colt and he treats you like horse dropping!” Consort smiled. “Perhaps, but regardless I have my duty, as do you.” “Yes, and if you stop blabbing for a moment I can do mine,” the silver-coated maid said, adjusting herself behind Consort and wrapping her arms around him. “This may sting for a moment.” “Whenever you wan—“ CRACK! Feather Duster pressed down and squeezed down on Consort’s stomach, the sheer force enough to drive his spinal cord back into place. The red unicorn cringed a little at first, but soon found himself at the relief of Feather Duster’s magic. “Ah…” he sighed, his old muscles relaxing as the maid let go of him. “Much better, thank you dear.” “Thank me by not letting that dolt Blueblood ride you anymore. You’re over forty years old.” “Thanks for reminding me,” he laughed. “Don’t worry about me, I’ll be fine, I’ve been doing this for twenty-five years.” “I still don’t like it.” “Duties remember?” Consort said. “And my duty now is to see if his royal pain is ready to get married.” “He found somepony?” “Sort of… It’s not his first choice but it’s the only choice that was female.” “Still in the closet, huh?” asked Feather Duster. “Immensely,” said Consort. “The day he admits he’s a coltcuddlier is the same day I turn into an alicorn.” “So never,” giggled the maid. “CONSORT, GET YOUR LAZY FLANK READY TO GO! I WANT TO GET THIS OVER WITH!” “He calls for me,” sighed the advisor. “Hey,” smiled Feather Duster, giving Consort a quick little kiss on the cheek. “Don’t let him get to you.” “I’ll keep that in mind,” he said, walking out of the room to meet Blueblood as they got prepared for his wedding. ***** “There it is!” grinned Blueblood, once again hiding in the bushes as he stared at the Carousel Boutique, the residence of his soon-to-be-wife. “Boy is what’s-her-face in for the surprise of her life.” “She sure is, sire,” said Consort. “The last of the guests have arrived. Should we get started?” “Of course, but first I have to propose to the bride,” he said, laughing at his own joke. “Hey that’s funny! Consort, I want you to write that under funny things I’ve said.” “Of course, master,” said the advisor pony, scribbling ‘peanut butter’ into his notebook. They turned around to where Consort had managed to setup and organize an entire wedding within the nearby meadow. Blueblood’s personal chefs were putting the finishing touches on the wedding cake while other butlers and maids were quickly setting up the red carpet, arranging flowers and making sure everything would be perfect. The townsfolk of Ponyville had shown up quite early after catching word that there was going to be another royal wedding and many had always dreamed of seeing such a magnificent event. “Look at all of them, Consort,” puffed Blueblood. “It’s as if these peons have never seen the glory that is me!” “Yes…” deadpanned Consort. “So when I come out of the house with my new little wife, I want you to strike up the band, got it?” “That is the plan, my lord.” “Good,” Blueblood smiled, as he adjusted his bowtie. “How do I look?” “Umm…” mumbled the red-coated pony. “Words cannot express the way you look?” “Perfect!” he said, as he walked up to the Boutique, knocking on the door, waiting for somepony to open it. Inside of the shop, Rarity was busy reading over the book she had just got from the library. “I do have friends… don’t I?” Knock, knock, knock! “Coming!” she sang, leaving her book open on her current page as she went to check the door, looking through the peephole to see who it was. “Oh great… He’s back,” she groaned, seeing that it was Blueblood. She put up a fake smiled as she opened the door. “Prince Blueblood! How...unexpected.” “Isn’t it?” he said, letting himself in. “That’s me, just full of surprises.” “To what do I owe the pleasure?” “You know girl, there is not a single mare that wouldn’t love to be in your hooves right now,” grinned Blueblood, slicking his mane back. “Why’s that?” Rarity asked. “Today’s the day your dreams come true!” “What would you know about my dreams, Blueblood?” “Oh, I know plenty…” You’ve been dreaming just one dreaming, your entire life Praying to Celestia so you could be a wife! Could you be some stallion’s property? Good news! That’s stallion’s me! This equation: mare plus colt, my mind it does confuse But on occasions I have found that mares loved being used Mainly for the bedroom things with me… FYI I’m big as a tree… Oh we’ll have ourselves a blast! (Unbelievable) Check out my rock-hard abs (Egotistical) As I stuff you with my Blueblood genes! (That’s disgusting) You’ll clean my castle home! (Lost in his own world) As I call you my own (Think I’m gonna hurl) And I’ll let you polish all my crowns and jewels! “Picture this, my castle in Canterlot, the chef cooking the finest food for dinner, my little wife massaging my hooves as the kids play with the dogs. Oh, we’ll have six or seven.” “Dogs?” “No! Strapping colts! Like me!” “Imagine that…” Yes it’s true I lust for you like the very sunny sun My first choice except for that one big red stallion! You are face with your destiny! White mare, do tell me… Unicorn, I know that… Don’t lie! You know it’s me… Escaping? There’s no way I’ll lock all the doorways Sweet pea, marry--! “So what’s-your-name? What will it be? Will it be yes? Or will it be, Oh YEEEEESSSSS.” “I… I just don’t deserve you,” Rarity smiled nervously. “Of course not!” “MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” “Oh my,” gasped Rarity. “This is all happening so fast… But no.” “That’s funny!” laughed Blueblood, trapping Rarity at the doorway, placing his front hooves on the door. “But seriously, kiss me!” “Goddess no!” screeched Rarity, opening the door and side-steeping out of the way as Blueblood fell through the door, landing in a mud puddle outside her doorstep. Rarity quickly slammed the door shut as Consort struck up the band, playing ‘here comes the bride’ as Blueblood emerged from the puddle. Consort looked at the mud-covered prince, trying his best not to laugh. “So, how’d she take it?” Prince Blueblood grabbed the advisor by the collar, growling at his sarcasm. “That mare will be my wife if it’s the last thing I do!” “But you don’t even like her!” “True, but when I’m king I will be getting everything that I want whenever I want it and I need to get used to that now!” he screamed, flicking his drooping mane as he stormed off. “Burn the wedding and set me up a bath!” “Should I put the bath bombs in them?” asked Consort. “Of course I want bath bombs you dolt!” the prince muttered. “Now go start it NOW!” “Yes sire,” the red-coated pony sighed, looking at the Boutique. “This isn’t going to end well, I just know it.”