The wind in my mane is a painful reminder of reality, pushing the tears off my face. All I want is to get away. The hospital shrunk in the distance. I try to ignore the hurt. I try to forget the world. It makes no sense. She can’t die, it’s not supposed to happen like this. I just need to get away. Keep it together Dash; she wouldn’t want you to be like this.
The speed is all that keeps me sane. Ponyville was just a dot in the distance. My eyes sting from the wind and the crying. The air begins to fight me but I just force myself to go faster. I don’t even look back after I hear the thunderous noise. The rainbow meant nothing. The liquid in my eyes begins to blur my vision; I need to stop. I dive downwards and quickly reach the ground, setting down in a meadow. I curl up in the grass and just let go. Tears spill out and I don’t try to stop them. My body shakes with sobs as I gasp for air. My brain shuts down and my heart takes over. I lay there and cry until everything fades to black.
When I wake up I’m in a familiar place. It takes only a second to realize that it is Fluttershy’s cottage. “Oh Rainbow...” Fluttershy begins speaking but her voice cracks and she starts bawling.
“Rainbow, I’m sorry,” Applejack is speaking. I sit up and realize my friends are all here, except one. “I don’t know how to say this... she’s gone.” The news knocks the air out of me. I get up, not acknowledging any of my friends, and I head to the door. I don’t believe it. I run outside and take off to the sky.
Except I never leave the ground. My wings are still tucked at my sides, they refuse to move. I stumble and fall to the ground. I don’t pick myself up, I just lay there and start crying again.
“I’m sorry Twi, so so sorry.”
~~~
It’s been a month; I need to get up. My mind is ready, but my body is not. I’ve been in this same room for an entire damn month. I lay there, thinking about the pain, about my wings, about Twilight. I’ve laid here just thinking for an entire month. I’m past denial, past anger, past bargaining. I’m stuck here in depression, both mentally and physically.
Fluttershy opens the door, places down a small tray, and leaves. We don’t even glance at each other. My friends have been taking care of me for the past month, making sure I’m fed, making sure I’m alright. Making sure I don’t kill myself.
The thought had crossed my mind more than once, but Twilight would never forgive me. I can just imagine her disapproval, and that is all that keeps me alive. I do it for her. I look at the tray of food, a daisy sandwich and a glass of water. I only eat because that’s what Twi would want. I reluctantly bite into the meal. It tastes like dirt, everything tasted like dirt. I wash it down with the water and return to my bed. As I lay alone in bed the tears return, I’m still not used to not having Twilight with me. I slowly cry myself to sleep. I wake up and another day has passed.
It’s been a month, an entire damn month.
~~~
Fluttershy enters the room, “Do you need anything Rainbow?”
“No”
She puts down the tray and exits. At least they had me talking again, even if it was just one word answers. I bite into the food, it is beginning to have flavor again. I walk around the room and stretch. I am mobile again, but I am not ready to leave this room, not ready to face reality. This room is the only place I exist anymore. I am dead to the outside world, and the outside world is dead to me.
I return to the bed once again. I don’t cry and I don’t sleep. I just lay there alone, thinking. The door opens and Applejack walks in, “You done with your food?”
“Yes”
“Do ya need anything?”
“No”
“If you ever need anything, just holler, alright?”
“Okay”
Applejack picks up the tray and quietly walks out as I just lie in the bed.
I instinctively reach out for Twilight, but she isn’t there. Every time I reach out she still isn’t there. A lump lodges itself in my throat.
“Oh Twi, I miss you,” That is the most I have said since I’ve been up here, and it is purely the truth. I need her right now, she always knew how to make anything better, she always found a way to make my day. I cry again.
She made my life to be sweeter, and she made me complete.
~~~
It’s been two months, and I’ve made it out of the room. I’m tired of the same surroundings so I just get up and walk out the door. I look around at the inside of Fluttershy’s cabin, it always was a bit cheery for my taste. My head droops and I look at the floor.
I hear voices coming from downstairs, my friends are talking. I walk quietly down each step until I reach the first floor. I’m still looking at the ground when the conversation tapers off to silence. I sit there for a while not really comprehending the situation, unsure what to expect.
“Hey there, Sugarcube,” Applejack broke the silence. I finally look up to see all of them. No, I finally look up to see most of them. Four of my friends were there, the fifth was... I stop myself there, no need to cry in front of them.
“Hi,” is all I can possibly manage to say without my voice cracking. And there we stand, silent, unsure of what to say to one another. I glance at each of them, they all look taken aback that I’m down here. When I meet eyes with Pinkie she quickly puts on a fake smile. In the silence I begin to look around the room. Fluttershy usually has assorted pictures of us hung on the walls, but now they’re all blank.
But there was one picture left, it lies facedown on the mantle of the fireplace. I slowly move over to it and pick it up. I see Applejack wince out of the corner of my eye. When I turn the picture over I see us. All six of us were there together, happy as could be, the widest of grins on all of our faces.
I can’t breathe.
My lungs refuse to take in air. Tears are already streaming from my eyes. I quickly turn and chuck the picture at the wall with all of my might. I’m back upstairs before any of my friends can even speak. I return to my dark quarters and shut the door.
This is when I’d probably break down. The only thing that stops me was the fact that I was already broken.
~~~
Another month passed and I have begun walking around the house regularly. I was able to go downstairs and get food for myself. My friends have more or less returned to their old lives. They often came to check on me, they made sure I was never alone, still worried I was suicidal. I don’t blame them. I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I look awful. My usually spunky mane is flat with frayed hairs poking out. My eyes are bloodshot from crying. It didn’t matter though, I have nowhere important to go, I’m not trying to impress anypony. I’m not going out for a special night with Twi. And like that, tears are flowing again.
I still haven’t left the house, and I have no plans to. I can’t stand to face the reality that is out there, especially since I can no longer fly. That makes no sense, the first pegasus to perform a sonic rainboom could no longer leave the ground. Whenever I tried to unfold my wings they were unresponsive. I have no control over them anymore. I have no control over anything anymore.
And yet this was trivial next to Twilight’s... no, it still hurt too much to think about. But flight no longer held meaning without her. I remember taking her flying. I’d swoop her up and we’d take off to the sky. Those were the best days. But now I can’t even move my wings.
Rainbow Dash, Equestria’s greatest flier, was grounded.
~~~
Today is the day, I need to finally face the world. After three months of being in this same house, I need some outside air. It was time to begin the rest of my life.
However, I still look like a mess, I need to clean myself up. I walk into the bathroom and turn towards the mirror.
The pegasus that stood before me was a stranger. Her usually vibrant and beautiful mane was flat and dull. Her eyes that usually held a competitive glint were glazed over and bloodshot from three months worth of tears. Her peppy cyan coat was faded and unkempt.
I don’t know this pony in the mirror, and she certainly wasn't me. Yet again, I haven't been myself for a while now, I guess it makes sense that I look the part.
I can just imagine what Twi would say. She would tell me I need to take care of myself. She’d tease me about my mane. She’d be worried about my eyes. She’d lightheartedly chastise me for not cleaning my coat. She’d hold me and speak softly, telling me not to cry, telling me everything would be fine.
This was the first time I actually let myself remember. It felt good, but it hurt so much. I began crying again, but I let go. I let myself cry. And I let myself remember her. My body crumples to the cold tile floor, shaking with sobs. Oh Twilight, I miss you so much. I don't know why you left me, but I know it must have been important, you wouldn't have given up if you didn't have to. Not a day goes by where I don't miss you. I love you Twi.
I loved you Twilight.
I’m not ready to face the world. Not today.
Not without her.
~~~
I sit there, staring at the door, a foreign land lay beyond its threshold. I’m still not sure if I am ready for this. My head is pounding and my vision is a bit blurry. I wobble a bit as I stand there, thinking about the outside world. I steel myself and push the door open.
The sun isn’t just bright, it hurts. I clamp my eyes shut and turn towards the ground. The glow is hot on my coat. All sensations of this bright world collide with me at once. The smells overwhelm me and the sounds surround me. Birds chirp, I hear water rushing, Fluttershy’s different animals chattered about.
But to top it all off, I could smell the field of lavender where Twilight and I occasionally would spend a blissful day together. We’d take a picnic basket and spend the day discussing what was going on in our lives and simply being together. How I wish I could have one more day like that, just so I could tell her what she meant to me. And so I could say goodbye.
It was too much, it was all just too much. I fall to the ground, sobbing once again. I’ve made it outside, but I can’t handle it. I rush back inside, slamming the door behind me.
I’m weak, I’ll never be back to normal. It sounds cliche, but everything reminds me of Twi. I return to my dark room, to the pseudo-comfort of my bed. It helps none, I just keep crying. Even after four months nothing could console me. Maybe some other day I’ll be able to make it outside. But not today.
Today, I was a failure.