I recall Twilight’s funeral as I am here with my friends.
Spike, Luna, Cadance, and I gathered together to celebrate Twilight’s life and mourn her death. It was a small ceremony; just the four of us left who knew her well gathering together to share memories and say a few words about what Twilight meant to us. It was meant to give us closure, in theory, and aide in the grieving process. In theory, we can move on together, as a team. However, I know that ponies cannot stay together forever. Cadance has to return to the Crystal Empire tomorrow; Spike will inevitably retire to his chamber and wish to be alone for days if not weeks or months; and Luna and I will have to return to our royal duties here in the palace, leaving little time to properly grieve.
But it is my duty as the oldest and ‘wisest’ of the group to give my support to all and suggest to the others how they should proceed, an as tradition would dictate, I am to give all of this in a brief speech. But I knew that any speech I gave will be a lie. I hate lying to Luna, but if she knew how I really felt, she would be disappointed to say the least. I’m the one that’s supposed to know what to do all of the time. I, the eldest sister, am always ‘meant’ to be the leader. Oh how I long for some time off, maybe a year, just to be able to grieve for my faithful student. But I would not desert Luna for that long.
I entered the hall, seeing perhaps the worst sight of my life so far, even worse than walking in on Luna when she became Nightmare Moon: the lifeless body of my faithful student, Twilight Sparkle, sitting there in a casket. Her once elderly frame had been magicked to look as it once did in her youth, a frightening sight; seeing her like this just brings back the horror of what she had become. She was a testament to the way that ponies live and die, and now here she lies forever, immortalized in a visage of the life she once held. A pity, seeing the ponies around me decay, leaving nothing but lifeless cadavers to show for lives well lived. And here I looked on the haunting sight of one of the dearest ponies of all, following their example.
I reached where my remaining friends stand together by her casket. They all looked at me with eyes filled with sadness and regret. Yet in their eyes is something that I do not feel myself: hope for the future. I had to feign hope, as it is my duty as the ruler of Equestria to stand by my ponies and give them hope. Even when those ponies are my friends and equals. We shared no words as I proceeded to the casket and look upon my deceased student. It makes me sick to know that if I had just been a little stronger I might have been able to save her. But alas, I did not, and I know of nothing I could do to change the past. Time travel spells are around, but it is forbidden to change anything in the past. And even if I were willing to break this rule, I would not be able to change anything anyway. I did everything that I could. I did everything that I would. I should not let there be regrets. Yet I simply cannot move on.
It was time. I said nothing directly to them. I had a speech planned. A speech to give them hope where I am lacking; but more than that, a speech that covers up what I am truly feeling. Yes, I was sure that my emotions will allow for a few or many tears. But the pure agony and anger that I hold inside will not come out. I will not let them. There is not a plan as to who will speak and who will not, but we each plan to share a little bit about how we knew here and felt about her, to give a brief glimpse into the good that was her life. I clear my throat.
“Hello, my friends,” I said with a pause. I allowed them time to look at me, to give themselves a break in their morning to hear me out. “As you all know, we have gathered here not to mourn the death of Twilight Sparkle, but to celebrate her life. I am aware that we will all grieve for her; that is only natural and healthy. However, this gathering is to begin that process in a positive light instead of all of us being alone. Because we must remember, through all of this, we will always have each other.” I paused, fighting the urge to wince at that word: ‘always’.
“When I think of Twilight Sparkle, I remember the good times, the days when she was well. Even on her deathbed, she was full of life. She was one of the happiest ponies that I knew. I am very proud to have had her as a student.
“But she was more than that. I thought of Twilight as my daughter, though I never did manage to tell her that. But I cannot regret that now. We must remember the good that was Twilight, not the things that we forgot to do or forgot to say. We should allow ourselves to be at peace with the past and let our memories of her help us move on into the future.” Lies, lies, all of it lies. I do not feel this way. Yet I continued, being sincere to an extent. “I remember when I first met her, how happy she was to get her Cutie Mark. I remember how happy she was to become my student. I remember how sad she was when she thought that she would have to leave Ponyville and return to Canterlot and how happy she was when she found out she could stay. I remember every one of her letters, the good and the bad. But most of all, I remember her smile.”
“I also remember the bad times, the times of sadness and sorrow. One that sticks out in my mind to this day is the changeling incident, and how I did not trust her, how I was so quick to disown her. I have regretted it ever since. But, I digress. I’ve gone back to regrets and bad memories, while we are supposed to be focusing on the good.” I sighed, clearing my mind. “I will keep this speech short. I only wish to once again clarify that we will always have each other, no matter how far apart we may be. And that is the message I wish to convey, my friends. We must remember that we have each other.” Yet I cannot share my true feelings with anypony else. I must keep them safe within my heart, lest someone try to stop me should I decide to do anything about them. I smiled sadly and returned to the same level as the others.
Nopony else had planned a speech. Nopony else intended to share their memories with each other; we were all greedy, wishing to keep them close to our own hearts and not share them with others. That is not to say, however, that we did not share companionship in our time of need. We simply did not use words, as there was nothing to say. Twilight Sparkle was a large portion of each of our words. And now that portion is without a protecting shell. All that remains are the memories that we will hold dear, yet they are so fragile, and as time passes, they will fade if we don’t protect them. Even as we stood by her grave, as she was lowered into her final resting place, we shared no words. When there is nothing to say, nothing is said.
Only now there are words. And they are apologies and condolences. Now that it’s over, we share some of our preciously guarded memories, because now everything is final, and we are able to share them in peace. And when we are done, we can all go home, hopeful for the future because Twilight Sparkle’s death has not been our first, nor will it be our last.
***
I sit her in my chambers. It is the middle of the night. I have asked Luna for a leave of absence. Though it may be unfair of me to leave Luna to handle matters of state alone in her current state of emotions, I have never asked for an extended period of time off, and we agreed that it was a good decision. I would not be the good decision maker that I am needed to be if I do not give myself some time to contemplate where to go from here.
And where do I go from here? That is the question that needs to be answered. Sure, I should just sit here and grieve, but I know that that would never be enough. So what do I do? I need to make a change somewhere, but where, and how?
I’m just so angry. Angry with myself for letting my faithful student die. I’m angry with magic for not being strong enough for me to succeed in my spell. But more than anything I’m angry with death. Why do ponies have to die? They did nothing worse than I have ever done. I guarantee that I’ve done worse. Yet they die while I live on. Why? I wonder. Why must it be this way? Isn’t there something I can do? Anything? Any little change at all would satisfy me. Even if it gave my little ponies only a few more years with their friends and family, I would be pacified. But how can I make such a change?
I once read that death was an entity in itself, a living, breathing, being. But I do not understand. Surely it is simply not possible. Ideas and possibilities are not physical in the world. But the more I think about it, death isn’t an idea; it’s a reality, something that simply is part of life. But even knowing that, what can I do to stop it, or at least hold it back for a while? There must be something. I know there has to be.
Could death be destroyed, if it’s a living being? What if it isn’t, can you destroy certainties or realities? Is it the right thing to do if I could? Could I make ‘always’ be true? Could I help my little ponies live on forever?