"So, tell me again what I'm doing?"
Twilight Sparkle looks up from the letter she's reading and gives me a slight frown.
"I told you, I wrote Princess Celestia to tell her that you've been teaching Cheerilee's class about your world and she thought that was a wonderful idea. We're on the train to Canterlot so that you can teach the Delegation to the Office of the Royal Knowledge Society all about what you've been teaching Cheerilee and her class."
"I got the train part seeing as how we are on one," I snark. "But I don't exactly see why I should teach a bunch of snobbish ponies about my world, particularly since I didn't think Celestia wanted me back in Canterlot after last time."
Twilight lets loose an exasperated sigh and folds up the letter.
"TD, Princess Celestia has forgiven you for that and Princess Luna has too. Besides, Luna is sorry for the injury she caused you."
"You can say it; she snapped my spine on the back of a chair like it was a toothpick."
"You know it was an accident, right?"
"Maybe so, but she sure meant to hurt me. So what if she only accidentally went that far?" A scowl crosses Twilight's face and she uses her magic to put the letter back in her saddlebag.
"Anyway," she says with a hint of venom, "you need to be on your best behavior if you're going to make a good impression on them. These are some of the smartest ponies in Equestria and you are a delegate for your entire species! Doesn't this opportunity excite you?"
In almost any other situation it might. But if there's one thing I hate it's snobs who think they're smarter than everyone else. Now, I'll grant that these ponies may not be like that. After all, not everyone I've met in Equestria is. But this is Canterlot elite we're talking about. I don't trust them at all after meeting a few at the Gala. Still, I give Twilight a hopefully placating shrug and begin the thrilling task of staring out the window.
* * * *
It takes another hour of train riding time before we finally reach Canterlot, by which point I've nodded off. Twilight naturally awakens me once we reach the station, much to my annoyance but I hide it well and, after we take a moment to collect our luggage, we're off to the castle once more.
Like before, we have taxis already waiting for us to take us to the castle, which leave as soon as we are on board. Twilight and I are only here for the day so we didn't pack much. Also, Rarity is thankfully not here so I don't have to move her house to her room in the castle which is fortunate for both me and the servants. I'm pretty sure that if she came again then one of us would need surgery to repair the damage to our backs. I've already had my spine broken by a pony, thank you very much, and I don't need Rarity's luggage to do the job again.
It only takes another short ride to make it to Canterlot Castle and when we arrive, the servants levitate our luggage up to rooms that Celestia has set aside for us in case we want to stay an extra day. I personally do not but Twilight is considering staying that extra day to see her family. I suppose that if she wants to I can live with that.
At any rate, we are led by two soldiers, who are shooting me glares whenever they think I'm not looking, towards what appears to be a large conference room. Sure enough, there are about two dozen ponies all talking with each other and each one of them has their noses firmly in the air.
Dang it, why can't Twilight just send reports of what I've been teaching through Spike? Why do I have to be here for this?
I reflexively take a small step backwards only to find myself nudged forward by Twilight.
"Easy, TD. They're well behaved."
"So what? They're snobs, all of them."
"Just be a good sport."
I am about to grumble a reply when I hear a voice coming from my left side.
"Twiley!" says the happy voice.
"Shiney!"
I turn to see a white stallion in a more elaborate royal guard uniform walking towards Twilight with a large smile on his face. I suppose that this is her brother. The two of them meet up and give each other one of those awkward pony hugs.
"How are you doing, little sis?" asks Shining Armor.
"I'm doing great," replies Twilight. "I'm here with TD for the meeting!" Shining Armor turns to me when Twilight points at me and, to my utter lack of surprise, the smile fades from his face to be replaced by a more neutral look.
"So," he says blankly, "this is the human that assaulted Princess Celestia twice." I back away slightly and rub the back of my neck uncomfortably.
"Uh... yeah, I guess I am," I mumble. Thankfully Twilight puts a placating hoof on her brother's shoulder.
"Be nice, BBBFF," she says. "He was having two rough days."
"So did I after he thwacked her," says Shining Armor, the first hints of a scowl forming. "I had some serious paperwork to do after that."
"Seriously? Paperwork?" I question. Shining Armor nods.
"Incidents that big have to be documented and recorded. It's standard protocol." says Shining Armor. "I had to fill out the blue forms for that." Suddenly, he walks up to me and gets in my face a little bit. "I hate filling out blue forms," he whispers venomously.
"Uh... sorry," I mumble again.
"Shiney, be nice," repeats Twilight. Shining Armor backs off a bit but the hint of a scowl does not. I laugh uncomfortably.
"You know, I'll let you two catch up," I say. "I think I'll go check out the food table."
And with that extremely graceful closing line, I slink away to escape the piercing gaze of the captain of the royal guard only to run into...
"Gosh darn it," I mutter.
"YOU!"
Out of the frying pan and into the fire.
"Hello, Bluey," I say with a forced smile. I receive a glare as my initial response.
"How dare you show your face here!" whines Prince Blueblood. "I should have demanded your trip to the moon, then the sun, then the moon again after what you did to me!" I sniff the air around him.
"You still have the charming aroma of apple pie around you, Bluey, are you doing something different with your hair? My, my, the stallions must go wild for you." True to form, Blueblood splutters at my words.
"You...you...you insolent foal!" bawls Blueblood. "How dare you speak to me in such a way! I demand that you leave the castle at once!"
"No can do, Bluey," I reply. "I'm here for the meeting of the intellectual bigwigs that's going on right now." Somehow his jaw drops and his eye twitches. Huh, I didn't expect that reaction.
"You are here for the meeting of the D.O.R.K.S? How were you awarded such an honor?! I am here because I got a fifty on my highly advanced test but you are clearly not as smart as I am."
"Well I--" I stop in my tracks as the full meaning of the acronym he mentioned hits me. I... wow... that's...that's something else, then. I'll have to come back to that one. I shake my head and return to Blueblood. "Celestia told me to come to talk about my world."
"Haruumphffuhuh," says Blueblood in one of the most overly articulated harrumphs I've ever heard out of anyone. "I don't see why Auntie Tia would allow such a ghastly being in after the stunt he pulled at the Gala."
"I completely agree. I mean, the scene he caused when he got the apple pie in his hair. He screamed like a little..." I pause for effect. "Oh wait, you were talking about me, weren't you? That makes sense."
And with that charming zinger, I seem to have broken Blueblood's half-brain. He is staring at me with a look of total shock and his mouth is moving up and down like a fish out of water. I guess I have some good advice for Rarity when I get back to Ponyville. Unfortunately, having half a brain means that there is less of it to repair when it gets broken so it is only a few seconds before his brain reboots and he manages a scowl.
"You are the most insolent being I have ever had the displeasure of laying my royal eyes on." I don't respond as I see two certain someponies walking up to us. Blueblood is oblivious and he continues on his 'oh-so hurtful' rant. "Never before has there been a being more worthy of a trip to the moon! You are far worse than when Auntie Lulu turned into that wretched creature Nightmare Moon!"
Oops on you, Bluey.
A gigantic smile spreads across my face and I point just behind Blueblood. He frowns slightly and turns around to finds himself snout to snout with an absolutely livid Luna. Immediately Blueblood's ears droop and he shrinks down as much as he can under the wrathful gaze of the lunar goddess.
"How dare thee," growls Luna. "HOW DARE THOU SPEAKEST OF OUR BANISHMENT AND THE EVENTS THEREOF!"
The entire hall is silent and looking at the one-sided exchange between Luna and Blueblood. I thought Celestia might have stepped in to calm Luna down, but her expression plainly says 'man, he's had this coming for a while."
"HOW WOULD THOU LIKE US TO REMIND EVERYPONY HERE OF THINE OCTOPUS INCIDENT, THOU UNGRATEFUL SNOB?!"
Blueblood is beyond the point of fear. He looks like he's going to keel over and die right now. Even I'm kind of scared for him. To my utter surprise, Blueblood actually manages to stutter out a weak response.
"I wouldn't like that, Auntie Lulu. Please don't send me to the moon." Wow, somehow Luna looks angrier.
"ART THOU SUGGESTING THAT WE ARE A BARBARIAN THAT DEALS OUT DRACONIAN PUNISHMENTS?!"
"No, Auntie Lulu," whispers Blueblood.
"THOU WOULD DO WELL TO TAKE THY ROYAL PLOT TO THINE ROOM FOR THE DAY!!!" screeches Luna. "THOU WOULD ALSO DO WELL TO REMEMBER THE BAN WE HAVE PLACED ON THAT MOST SHAMEFUL OF SUBJECTS!!!"
"Yes, Auntie Lulu," mumbles Blueblood. And with that, he slowly trudges off to the bowels of the castle where I'm sure his room is located. Now that he has 'moved his royal plot to his room', Luna seems to have calmed down considerably. I, on the other hand, have now learned that her tenure as Nightmare Moon is a kind of touchy subject for her so if I don't want my spine broken on purpose, I had better keep that out of our conversations.
Thankfully Celestia clears her throat and everybody in the room turns to her.
"I'm sorry for that scene," she says. "Blueblood and my sister merely needed to straighten a few things out." Oh is that what you call that? She’s a politician to the core. "At any rate, it is time for the meeting to begin so if everypony could take their seats in the conference hall, we can get started."
A few ponies take a second to load up their plates with food before moving into the conference room. I myself take a glass of punch in with me. I am followed in by Twilight whose ears are still slightly flattened thanks to the incident with Blueblood. I have to admit, that RCV is kind of intimidating.
"Sorry that you had to see that, TD," says Twilight as the two of us take our seats in the front of a large hall filled with chairs. I am sitting right beside a large chalkboard which I assume I am to use if I need to demonstrate something. In terms of Twilight's comment, I wave my hand.
"No big deal," I say. "It was kind of nice to see him get what was coming to him from somebody other than me." Twilight rolls her eyes but she smirks all the same. "Seriously, though, he's actually smart?" Twilight's smirk is replaced by a frown as she shoots me a questioning look.
"Where did you hear that?" she says.
"He told me he got a fifty on some big test. The way he was bragging I assume that's a good thing." To my surprise, Twilight gives one of the biggest facehooves I've ever seen from her. Huh?
"TD, that 'big test' was the standardized test that everypony has to take before they finish their tenth year of schooling. As for him getting a fifty, well, the test is out of three hundred. To put Blueblood's score in perspective, Applejack got a 195 and I got a perfect 300."
"What's average?" I ask.
"150," replies Twilight. "Every one of me and my friends scored above average on that thing. Even Rainbow Dash, who got the lowest out of all of us and hated studying in school, got a 169 on the test."
"Wow. So he really is that dumb?" Twilight nods.
"Don't get me wrong, he's not mentally challenged; he really is that dumb. Either that or he hates work he doesn't want to do more than Rainbow Dash does."
"Huh."
Before I can respond more than that, Princess Celestia stands up in front of the crowd and immediately they all quiet down.
"Good afternoon, esteemed members of the Delegation of the Office of the Royal Knowledge Society." she begins. "It is my great pleasure to introduce to you today a member of a whole different universe who was brought to our world through..." Unsurprisingly she falters on this part. "Through unknown means," she finishes. Smooth, Celestia, real smooth. "I have invited him to this meeting so that he can share his knowledge of his world with us all to further expand learning, and friendship amongst our races. Please give a warm welcome to the human sitting next to me, TD Harrison Powell."
I slowly stand up and walk up to the podium as the D.O.R.K.S. give me a golf clap. Good grief this is going to be painful, isn't it? I mean, the kids back in Ponyville actually seemed like they wanted to be here. These guys are regarding me with suspicious looks for whatever reason. I walk up to the microphone that they've set up for me.
"Uh, hi," I start. The crowd in front of me murmurs amongst themselves. "So I guess Celestia told you what I'm here to do. I don't really know where to start so I'll take questions, I guess."
"How about you start at the beginning," says one of the ponies in the crowd condescendingly. The others around him laugh at his joke like it's the most hilarious thing. I frown at him and I imagine Twilight and Celestia are doing the same thing.
"Well there's a lot to go over," I retort. "Where do you want me to begin?"
"We said the beginning," says another one. "What's wrong, don't you know?"
"That's enough," growls Celestia. "We are here to facilitate learning, not shoot snide remarks at each other for no reason."
No kidding. Seriously, what did I do to make them think I'm dumb? The beginning, though... how do I start at the beginning? Heck, where do I even go from there?
My silence has them murmuring amongst themselves a little more. They seriously do not think much of me.
You know what? If they're going to treat me like a dunce, then screw facts. I'm going to have a little fun with them. I clear my throat.
"How about I start with some parallels between our worlds?"
"Fine, but get on with it!" says a crowd member. "We don't have all day."
"Yes you do, that's what today is for!" says Celestia angrily. "If I hear one more snide remark I'll be very angry."
Well, that shut them up. I imagine that an angry Celestia is even more intimidating than an angry Luna.
"Anyway," I say, drawing attention back to me, "I think I'll start with the sun and the moon and who raises them."
"That sounds fine," says Celestia.
"Good." I nod. "Now, the two figures that raise the sun and the moon are important in our culture. The sun is raised by Luke Skywalker and the moon is raised by Batman. They are two of many gods that hold influence over our world."
"How many gods are there?" asks one of the crowd members.
"Why by my last remembering there were no less than fifty-nine gods. I can't remember all of them off the top of my head, but some of the more prominent ones include Chuck Norris, the god of fertility and chest hair. There's also the god of the underworld, Hannibal Lecter, the god of food, Willy Wonka, as well as the gods of war, collectively known as the New Zealand All-Blacks."
"You have war in your world? How horrid!" says a crowd member.
"I agree, it is horrid to be in, but it's a fascinating subject to learn about to be sure. Why, one of our most famous wars is the invasion of Molossia by a tribe known as the Critic-ites, led by the mighty King Nostalgia Critic and his three world-famous and universally feared military leaders, General Nostalgia Chick, Admiral Phelous, and Major Cinema Snob."
"Are King Nostalgia Critic and General Nostalgia Chick related? They seem to have similar names."
"To my knowledge they are not related and the similar names is just, er, a coincidence." The scribe who is standing next to Celestia is writing all of this down furiously and I give her a second before I continue on.
"Some of our other famous wars are things like the constant conflicts between the Steelers of Pittsburgh and the Cowboys of Dallas. Their conflict has spanned decades and their battles are the stuff of legends."
I hear a small squeak escape from Twilight and I confusedly turn to see what the matter is.
Uh-oh. She kind of looks... angry.
Why would she...? Oh right, I told her the names of our football teams. Shoot, she knows I'm making this up. I turn back to the crowd and try to get my train of thought back on the track. Hopefully she doesn't spill the beans. That would be awkward.
"Uh... w-where was I?" I stutter.
"Wars," says a crowd member.
"Oh right. Uh... what's another topic that you want to know about?" Two dozen hooves shoot up into the air and I point at one at random.
"Who was your leader back where you came from and what was the country or planet called?"
"Uh, I came from a country called America back on a planet called Earth. The... the king and tyrant of America was a man named Calvin backed by one named Hobbes. He was a good ruler but he can be... uh..."
Gosh, I feel Twilight's glare boring into the back of my skull. I glance back at her in the corner of my eye and to my horror I see smoke coming out of her mane. I glance back to Celestia and Luna to see that they are looking at Twilight and I with confused looks. Suddenly, it dawns on both of them. Celestia's mouth drops open in shock and Luna puts her foreleg over her face. She looks like she's trying not to laugh. You know what? That actually gives me a little courage. at least Luna finds this funny.
I clear my throat once more and turn back to the crowd with renewed courage. Twilight and Celestia will chew me out later, but hopefully Twilight's anger holds.
"Okay, who wants to hear the story of how the American senators Snoopy and Charlie Brown helped King Calvin come to power?"
* * * *
Aside from the fact that Twilight seemed to get steadily angrier as the day went on, I had a ball. It was glorious. It was made more so by the fact that Celestia, despite herself, seemed to eventually find it all as funny as Luna did. I guess she realized that I wasn't going to give these disrespectful snobs the time of day, particularly since I didn't even want to be here. I'd much rather teach the kids back in Ponyville.
At any rate, I talk for a good three hours before we took a break. I tell them the story of how Snoopy and Charlie Brown defeated the Red Baron with the Death Star, thereby allowing for Calvin and Hobbes to oust the current president, James Cameron. I tell them a grand story of how the followers of Star Trek and the followers of Star Wars got in an inter-galactic battle that lasted for centuries, ending when Admiral Charlie Chaplin scored a decisive victory for the Star Warsians in the battle of Hoth. I did explain that our society was far more peaceful now and instead of war, we settled all of our disputes by velociraptor jousting in the Thunderdome.
The one problem though? It should have been more glorious. I mean, were breaking right now and I'm taking some time to drink some punch, but I can't help but feel that I'm in big trouble when a certain purple unicorn finds me... and there she is.
"Hi, Twilight."
"Don't you 'hi Twilight' me!" says the livid librarian. "What. Was. THAT!?"
"We shall tell you what that was, Twilight Sparkle," says Luna, who has just come up to our conversation. "That was the best meeting of the D.O.R.K.S We have ever been to! We admit that that We did not understand a word that TD Powell said, but to see those snobs fooled like that was most amusing!" By this point Celestia has walked up too.
"I have to admit that I agree with my sister," says Celestia with a slight grin. "Those ponies are some of the most insufferable ponies I have to deal with. If they knew that they had just listened to a highly fictional version of your world, I imagine they'd feel like total dor--" To our confusion, Celestia freezes in the middle of her sentence.
"You okay?" I ask. I look at her mouth to see her mouthing the acronym for the organization. Seriously, did she not know?
"How did I not see that before?" she whispers. Luna bursts out laughing.
"Did thou only just now notice the acronym for this organization?" says the moon goddess. "We wondered how long it would be before you noticed the joke behind our suggested name for these ponies. 1543 years is a long time to get a joke, dear sister!"
"Oh dear," mutters Celestia. "I have to think about this one."
Before Luna can comment on it further, the scribe calls out that the break is over and that the meeting needs to begin again. Good timing too. I have just figured out where I'm going to go next.
Seeing that the two goddesses think that what I'm doing is the best thing that's happened to them all week, Twilight seems to have calmed down a little bit. If Celestia says that what I'm doing is funny then that's good enough for her. It's a good thing for me, too. I was worried that her mane would catch fire at any moment.
Soon we are all back in the conference hall and I have even more renewed confidence. The D.O.R.K.S are looking at me expectantly so I crack my knuckles and clear my throat.
This is going to be awesome.