Palace Perils

by Rated Ponystar

Chapter 4

Palace Perils

By The Rated Ponystar

Formerly Edited by Fernin and tayman2037

Still Edited by Clavier and Adjudicator

If Spike had a bit for every time the library got messed up from one incident or another, he’d buy Equestria and make it a law to banish library-mess-makers. Yet here he was, again, picking up books as always. “Seriously, Twilight should pay me for doing all this work. I mean, I know I get a daily allowance and all, but with all the insane things that go on in this town, I should be getting overtime. Right, Owlowiscious?”

“Hoo.”

“Me,” Spike pointed to himself.

“Hoo.”

“Spike. The assistant who’s better than you. No matter how many gold stars you have on the ‘best assistant of the day’ board.” He pointed to the board, displaying both of their names next to a row of golden star stickers. Spike’s line only held half as many as Owlowiscious’s line, much to the former’s displeasure.

“Hoo.”

“Are you going to do this every time I try to have a conversation with you!?” demanded Spike, giving the stoic owl the evil eye.

“Hoo.”

Spike groaned and slapped his forehead. “You really love annoying me, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

“You! Who else am I... wait...” Spike lifted his head, staring at the impassive owl. “Did... did you just say something else besides ‘hoo’?”

“Hoo.”

“You, Owlowiscious! And...” Spike stopped and shook his head. “I’m wasting my time.”
 
He went back to work, but stopped the moment he heard the front door slam open. Looking up, he saw a depressed Luna, a concerned Twilight, a bored Rainbow Dash, and a bouncing Pinkie Pie, all of whom passed him by without a second look. Spike grumbled to himself. “Don’t mind me, I’m just cleaning up the room and don’t need any help whatsoever.”

The four made their way towards the center where Princess Luna sighed and fell to her haunches. Twilight patted the princess’ back and gave a small, comforting smile. “Come on, Luna. It wasn’t… entirely your fault. All that monster did was just cause thousands in property damage...” Luna gave her a deadpan stare. “... and send a few ponies into serious psychological therapy for the next few months. You’d be surprised how often that happens around here.”

“Yeah,” seconded Rainbow Dash, placing her foreleg over Twilight’s shoulders. “Egghead here has been to the trauma center a few times since she arrived in Ponyville.”

“What for?” asked Luna, tilting her head. They nodded to Pinkie Pie, who waved hello. “Ah.”

“So don’t worry about it. This sort of thing happens all the time in Ponyville. Besides, it makes life more interesting,” said Rainbow Dash.

Princess Luna sighed. “I guess. I’m glad that Mr. and Mrs. Cake accepted my apology for ruining their shop.”

“Yup! And all it cost was a promise to never enter their store ever again and a teeny-weeny little restraining order barring you from entering any of the kitchens in Ponyville!” said Pinkie, cheerfully.

“I just hope the cookies I made for them before the muffin incident made up for it,” said Luna.

“Cookies?” asked three alerted voices.

Mr. Cake sighed as he wiped the last of the batter away. The muffin monster caused quite a bit of trouble, but at least it was over. Just as he was about to leave the kitchen and close shop, he spotted a tray of cookies by the edge of the counter. At first he thought they were leftovers from an earlier order, but upon closer inspection, he saw that this was a batch he didn’t recognize.

Did Cup Cake make these? Or did Pinkie? pondered Mr. Cake as he picked one up and sniffed it. The cinnamon and chocolate aroma made his mouth water. Well, whoever made them, it would be a shame to waste such good food. 
He brought the cookie towards his mouth, only to feel something smack his snout. He dropped the cookie to rub his face, when he noticed the cookie start to change. In a split second, it started to grow thin black legs, a wide pair of eyes, and a mouth.

Gasping at the sight of the suddenly sentient cookie, Mr. Cake stepped back as it glared at him. The cookie screamed, “At last, we live! Brothers and sisters of the Cookie Rebellion, the time has come to overthrow those that fed on us and rule the world! Arise!”

Mr. Cake watch in horror as the entire tray started to transform like the first one. They all stood up and shouted, “Revolution! Revolution! Revolution!!”

Mr. Cake gulped. “Uh! Honey?! I think we have a problem!”

“I’m sure everything is fine,” said Pinkie Pie, passing her hoof through the air. “So what’s our big, super plan to prank Philomena?! We got the gear! Now we need the execution!

“Oh yes, we will be doing an execution when all is said and done!” shouted Luna as she summoned Twilight’s chalk board. Picking up a piece of chalk, she cleared her throat. “Now listen up! ’Cause this is the plan…”

“... and that’s the plan!” finished Luna as she drew the last of her schematics. The entire board was now covered in white numbers and graphs that made it near impossible to see the remaining black. Wiping the sweat from her brow, she turned to her audience and smiled. “Any questions?

The baffled ponies just stared at Luna, unable to speak. Their faces reminded Luna of her own expression when she walked into her sister’s bedroom and saw Celestia... ‘negotiating’ with the dragon ambassador. Just the thought of it made her shiver.  

This silence continued for a few minutes until Twilight clear her throat.“Princess Luna...this plan is so… ludicrous that it’s making my brain hurt just thinking about it. It features time travel, robots, ninjas, space stations,atomic weapons, underwater sea horses that can shoot lasers from their eyes, the Cutie Mark Crusaders, a dozen pickles, and a dragon that terrorizes a kingdom of little mushroom ponies whose own princess is has too many castles. It stops making sense before it starts!”

“Really? I understood it all,” said Pinkie Pie.

Twilight looked at her smiling friend with a raised eyebrow, unsure if she should be surprised or not. Rolling her eyes and magically shoved the blackboard away. “Let’s come up with a better idea. One that actually has a sense of logic in it.”

“Plan schman. We go in the castle, find Philomena, shoot her with the paintball guns, and laugh at her misery. She’ll be so embarrassed by our pranks, she’ll bury herself in the gardens just to avoid the shame,” said Rainbow Dash, slapping her hooves together.

Princess Luna gasped and slapped her forehead. “Gardens?! Oh, how could I forget! My sister’s garden party is tonight and she wants me to attend! What are we going to do about that?!”

“Maybe you can just tell Princess Celestia that you can’t make it?” suggested Twilight.

“Oh, please,” snorted Luna. “The way my sister and I are right now? If I go against her word again she’ll chop off my rump and hang it over her fireplace.” Slowly she gained a mischievous grin as a solution occurred to her. “Actually, going to that party might be a good idea.”

“Why? Because it’s gonna be fun?” asked Pinkie, snickering to herself. “Silly Pinkie, parties are always fun no matter who throws them.”

“Well, it’s obvious that my sister will not allow me to skip this party, but if I do go, then chances are I can drag Philomena out. She’ll be determined to embarrass me in front of everypony. But I’m willing to be the bait just so you girls can... what’s the word called? Scythe her from a distance?”

“You mean ‘snipe’ her from a distance,” corrected Twilight. “I guess we can try that. I know most of the garden grounds and the castle floors surrounding it.”

“Good thing I brought my sniper gear for just an occasion!” Pinkie Pie disappeared into another room for a second before reappearing a second later wearing a pair of shades, a brown combat vest, and a Stetson atop her fluffy pink mane. “Let’s have a go at it!”

Twilight’s shook her head at the antics before turning to Rainbow Dash. “Eh, I don’t care. As long as we just prank somepony already.”

“I guess we go with your plan, princess. But first...” Twilight turned to her bag and levitated four radio earpieces to the group. “These will allow us to communicate with each other over long distances.” She proceeded to then show them how they worked.

“Excellent!” shouted Luna as she faced her subjects, mane flowing dramatically in the air. “Then let us finally prank this phoenix once and for all! Tally ho!” she screamed as she ran out of the library.

“Hoo rah!” shouted Rainbow Dash, following suit.

“God save the queen!” yelled Pinkie, not to far behind.

“Wait for me!” cried out Twilight who closed the door on their way out.

Feeling left out, a disappointed Spike watched them leave as he turned to his fellow assistant. “Looks like it’s just you and me again, tonight.”

“Hoo.”

“You and me.”

“Hoo.”

Spike threw his arms up in the air. “Ugh, no! I’m not doing this again! I need some gems!”

Owlowiscious watched Spike stomp into the kitchen, mumbling to himself. When Spike was out of sight, he then broke his stone stilled face with a smirk. “Too easy.”

This was it. After months of preparation, Celestia was finally going to have her own personal party. It wasn’t going to be fancy, it wasn’t going to have politics involved, it wasn’t even some grand special event. Princess Celestia had been yearning for a chance to let her hair down and get rid of the ‘perfect princess’ persona she had to keep up nearly twenty-four-seven. And tonight she was free to get drunk, dance, and chat without any care.

All the food, servants, guards, and even entertainment—a young and rising DJ taught by the famous Vinyl Scratch—were all of her choosing with the assistance of Fancy Pants. And finally, but most importantly, she would be having guests she wanted to have, instead of those she had to have. Guests who were some of the few decent friends she had made this century. Ponies who didn’t care about prestige, but wanted to have fun. Not like those egotistical nobles she wanted to send to the sun every time they came to her and acted like they were old friends. Even an ageless alicorn could only take so much flank kissing.

Thankfully, I don’t have to deal with any of them this time, thought Celestia as she made her way across the gardens. It was a disappointment that she couldn’t have it in the throne room, thanks to a certain overactive sister of hers, but as long as everything went smoothly, they could have hosted it in the dungeons for all she cared. Pushing aside her thoughts, she made her way further into the gardens.

Her party assistant, Fancy Pants, noticed her and quickly gave his last orders to the caterers and bowed. “Ah, Princess Celestia. I’m so glad you’ve arrived.” He stood up and waved his hoof across the gardens. “Well? Is it not perfect?”

Celestia looked all around, her smile growing with each passing glance. Lights were hung on the trees and bushes, giving them an ethereal glow. Tables were covered from corner to corner with assorted snacks and drinks, not to mention cakes that made her mouth water. A few cushions were piled around each other for those wishing to sit and there were a few games being set up such as horseshoes and badminton. Even the DJ seemed to be doing well as he prepared his equipment, giving Celestia a wave when he spotted her staring at him.

“It’s amazing, Fancy Pants,” complemented Celestia. “I can’t think of anything else that would make it more perfect.”

Fancy Pants chuckled, his eyes hinting a secret. “I think you might rethink that statement when you see what I have prepared for you. A little gift for this occasion.” He addressed one of his assistants to get “it” ready. Celestia and Fancy Pants made their way towards the center of the gardens, where they stood before a tall structure, covered in a brown sheet. With a simple pull, the cloak came off. Celestia gasped.

Towering above her was an enormous ice sculpture of herself. Every detail of the icy work of art was perfect, down to the littlest detail. Even the feathers of her wings looked like perfect copies. “It’s... amazing...”

“I agree, sister.” Celestia turned around and saw Luna looking at it, impressed by its artistry. “Perhaps we shall call this work of art, Princess Winteria.”

“Ah, Luna. I’m glad you finished lowering the moon,” greeted Celestia. “I wasn’t sure if you were going to come or not. Is everything okay?”

Before Luna could answer, a familiar caw alerted the two of a new presence. Philomena flew down from above and landed on Celestia’s shoulder, nuzzling her neck. As she did this, Luna forced a smile, teeth gritting as she said, “Sister, you didn’t tell me Philomena was going to be accompanying you during the party as well.”

“Oh, yes. I decided to bring Philomena along with me,” answered Celestia. She looked at her pet who was glaring at Luna before giving her another sweet smile. Raising her eyebrow, Celestia turned to her sister and asked, “I haven’t heard a single complaint about you two all day, so I can assume everything is alright between the two of you?”

Princess Luna and Philomena turned their focus on one another, neither standing down. The glare between them was so intense that onlookers could see the lightning arcing between their eyes. Celestia’s fears only worsened when she saw the two heated rivals soon forgo their anger and at one another. “Oh I’m far from getting any sort of vengeance against Philomena. In fact, I’ll go see if any of the staff need help. Ta ta,” said Luna as she left. Fancy Pants also excused himself, leaving Celestia and Philomena by.

Turning to her pet, she asked, “You’ll be nice to my sister of course, will you?” Philomena stood tall and placed one wing up for a “scout’s honor” look. “That’s a good girl.” Celestia nuzzled her feathery companion, not knowing that behind Philomena’s back, the other wing had it’s two front feathers crossed.

The party had just started and everypony was having a good time. Old friends chatted and some helped themselves to the refreshments. For Luna, however, this was a battlefield. Here she was at the mercy of a terrible creature who was not to be underestimated. The only problem is that I can’t seem to find her!

She scanned the area, politely nodding to a few ponies who addressed her, but found no sign of the phoenix. The listening device then turned on and she winced at the static. It soon softened enough for her to listen to Twilight. “Princess Luna, do you read me?”

“Yes, Twilight. I do. No sign of Philomena yet, anything from your end?”

“I’m up on the second floor of the castle, looking at you through a window. I don’t see her near you. Rainbow Dash?”

“I got nothing here in the air.” said Rainbow Dash. Luna looked up and saw a single lone cloud floating above the party. Narrowing her eyes, she could see a familiar rainbow colored tail poking out. “What about you, Pinkie? You spot the bird yet on the ground floor?”

“Negative, Prism Angel. No sign of target. Keeping it Oscar Mike though,” said Pinkie Pie, her tone strict and firm. “Purple Nurple and Starry Mane, this is Cupcake Carver. Do you copy my last, over?”

Luna tried to hold back a chuckle as Twilight angrily responded, “First off, Pinkie Pie, stop using military jargon and codenames. Second, Purple Nurple?”

“It’s funny ’cause it rhymes!”

“...whatever. Anyway, Luna, just interact with the guests and stay inconspicuous for now,” suggested Twilight.

Luna sighed and looked around, trying to keep her cover by finding a group of ponies to talk to. She walked towards one group, which was centered around a young pegasus stallion who had been receiving their complete attention as he spoke. Figuring this was as good a chance as any, Luna walked over and overhead him finishing, “... and that’s the whole story.”
She faked a loud laugh, surprising the group, as she put her foreleg around the storyteller. “That was a most marvelous tale you told us. I certainly enjoyed it so.”

He looked at her in disbelief. “You enjoyed hearing about how my daughter’s been depressed because our dog got run over by a wild carriage?”

Luna blinked. “Uhh... sorry for your loss?” Open mouth, insert hoof.

The crowd turned away, disgusted at Luna’s faux pas. Gritting her teeth, she walked over to a nearby snack table. Pushing some of the snacks away, she proceeded to bang her head against the wood, much to the confusion of those watching.

“Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!”

“Squawk.”

Luna lifted her head up, noticing a smirking Philomena right in front of her. Her first instinct was to strangle the bird, but remembering the plan, only gave a polite smile. “Oh, Philomena. I’m so happy to see you, right in front of me.”

Her plan worked, as Twilight soon replied, “Girls! Philomena’s right in front of Princess Luna! I’m moving to a different window, anypony else got a shot?”

“Sorry, Twi. I don’t have it,” answered Rainbow Dash.

“And I’m on the other side of the party!” alerted Pinkie Pie.

“So it’s up to me then. Princess, keep Philomena hovering still.”

Hoping that Twilight would arrive at her destination soon, Luna continued to fake her behavior at her arch-enemy. “So Philomena. I hope you have no plans to do anything that would ruin my sister’s party. She’s worked on this for so long that it would be a terrible thing to waste it.”

Philomena responded by placing her wing over her heart and shook her head.

“That’s good,” said Luna. “Despite our... disagreements, we both care about Celestia. We shouldn’t be giving her such headaches with childish arguments”

“I’m almost there!” announced Twilight, huffing as the sound of her hooves clopping against the floor echoed from the microphone.

Luna noticed out of the corner of her eye some punch and poured two glasses. She handed one over to Philomena and gave a toast. “To my sister, whom we both care for.”

For a second, Luna saw rage in Philomena’s eyes before she chirped happy and drank the punch. As the two finished their drinks, an exhausted Twilight addressed Luna on the radio. “I’ve got the shot!”

Luna smirked as she looked dead center into Philomena’s eyes, and whispered, “Gotcha.”

Philomena’s eyes widened as she turned to her glass and noticed a faint glare coming from behind her in its reflection. Up on the second floor of the castle, Twilight aimed her paintball gun and fired a shot. A blue paintball bullet through the air at top speed, heading directly towards the back of Philomena’s head. Time seemed to slow down as it inched closer and closer to phoenix, Luna’s grin increasing. At last victory was hers. Suddenly, Philomena tilted her head to the right. The paintball just barely nicked her neck. Luna’s face turned from triumph to horror as she tried to jump out of the paintball’s way, but gagged as it entered straight into her mouth.

“Gah!” coughed Luna, hacking the disgusting blue paint out of her mouth. Philomena pointed at her and laughed at the sight, nearly falling off the edge of the table.

“Oh my gosh! Princess! I’m so sorry I thought I had her!”

Luna’s response was more coughing and wheezing. A few of the guards and guests noticed her trouble and went to assist the younger princess back to her hooves. “Are you okay, Princess Luna?” asked one of the guards.

“I am fine, thank you,” said Luna, a fowl blue odor coming out of her mouth. A second later the guests were crying and holding their snouts in disgust. The stench was so powerful it even caused facial hair to fall off or sent ponies into unconsciousness.

“Oh, Faust! The stench!”

“It smells like something crawled up inside her throat and died!”

“What have you been eating, Princess Luna?!”

“My eyes are bleeding!”

Luna looked at her subjects, confused at their behavior, before realizing they were talking about her breath. She slowly stepped back from the moaning guests, hoping to avoid the looks she was getting, before bumping into another guest. “Oh, I’m sorry! I--”

The guest she bumped into quickly covered his muzzle and fled, tears dripping down his cheeks. He pushed the others out of the way before leaning over a bush. Everypony winced as they heard him hurl over and over again. Shutting her mouth to prevent any more damage, Luna looked around for something to block the stench. Noticing another bowl of punch, she grabbed one of the glasses and began drinking. After her fifth glass, she felt somepony tap her shoulders. Turning around, she saw a grinning Philomena holding a bottle for display.

Looking at the title, Luna let the glass slip from her magic as sweat began to pour down her forehead. It was dripping down slowly at first, but soon it was coming down like heavy rain. On the bottle it read, “Dragon’s Bane Red Hellfire Spicy Hot Sauce”.

Like a rising thermometer, her dark blue face began to turn fire red. Her stomach rumbled like a volcano ready to burst as she felt an enormous, and painful, pressure building up inside her throat until she couldn’t hold it anymore. She screamed, letting out a wave of fire from her mouth that extended up to ten feet in the air. Everypony was now focused on her, staring in wonder at the pyrotechnic display. Philomena, meanwhile, had taken out a large stick with marshmallows on it for a quick roasting.

“It burns! It burns!” screamed Luna, rushing across the garden, spitting out fire along the way. Ponies jumped out of her path as Luna did everything she could to douse the fire in her mouth. She dived into punch bowls, ate all the cold food, even going so far as to licking the grass. Just as she was about to teleport an entire lake into the vicinity, she saw a something that brought hope to her heart. It was ice. A pure block of wonderful, cooling, ice.

With a single great leap, Princess Luna hugged the frozen water before licking and sucking it with all her might. The furious flames of spiciness began to settle down as she continued to take every part of the ice she could with passion. Oh yes... yes... pleasure us oh wonderful ice. Calm the raging fire that lies inside us with your soothing taste!

Princess Celestia and Fancy Pants were watching the scene before them with great disturbance painted on their faces. Gathering his voice, Fancy Pants leaned over to the princess, and said, “Forgive me, your majesty, but your sister seems to have... taken a fancy to your ice replica.” He blushed as he watched Luna start moving from the mouth towards the horn of the ice sculpture. Sucking it like a lollipop. “In fact, one might wonder—and I’m not saying that I think this true—that this is a sign of somepony holding... repressed feelings of affection. I mean, a thousand years on the moon is both a long and lonely time. Not to mention you are the only other immortal in her life who’s single.”  

“Fancy Pants...” firmly addressed Celestia, trying to fight down the embarrassing blush on her cheeks. It only got redder as Luna started started sucking on the ice statue’s left ear. She noticed all the guests watching her sister in horror or turning away, blushing just as much as she was.A few of the males seemed to be really focused on the scene, with several stiffening pairs of pegasi wings. Her Hearth's Warming Eve gift list had just gotten a few names shorter. “I want you to relay this to all the guests. If anypony so happens to mention this to anypony, including the press, I will personally see it that they get a first class vacation to the frozen mountains up north. One. Way. Only.”

“Y–yes, Princess Celestia,” muttered Fancy Pants.

“Good. Also, get my sister down and tell her to stop making a scene. Meanwhile, I need to visit my room for a moment,” said Celestia with a disturbing smile.

“What for?” asked Fancy Pants.

“I just want to make sure that I have enough room on my fireplace for a little trophy I’ll be getting by the night’s end.”

“Smooth shooting, Twi,” snickered Rainbow Dash.

Twilight felt her blush increase tenfold as she continued watch Princess Luna ravage Celestia’s ice replica, slowly melting its face off. Twilight still couldn’t believe she’d missed. She calculated the distance, wind speed, firing mechanism, and velocity of the paintball. It should have been a clean shot.

Shaking out of her stupor, Twilight looked around the party for any sign of Philomena. “I can’t find her girls, it’s like she vanished into thin air...”

A small whistle from behind made her senses turn up to high alert as she slowly turned around. Flapping just in front of her face was Philomena, sticking her tongue out and giving a raspberry. Closing her eyes to avoid the spit, Twilight rubbed her face before spotting Philomena retreating down the hall.

Levitating her paintball gun, she chased after her and began firing her paintballs at the bird. With grace and skill, Philomena was able to weave and dodge the shots as the balls splattered all over the wall., Twilight told the others, “I’m chasing Philomena right now! I got this!”

“Twilight, wait!” cried out Pinkie Pie, but her warning was ignored.

Skidding across the floor, she made a sharp right turn, watching Philomena head towards two large double doors and teleport inside in a flash of fire. Back pressed against the left side of the door, Twilight could feel her sweat dripping down her neck. “She’s teleported into another room. I’m going in.”

“Twilight! Listen to me! I’m having a Pinkie Combo!” cried out Pinkie Pie again, this time making Twilight stop and listen. “My right hoof is itchy, my tail is getting all curled up, and my eyebrows keep squinting! That means it’s a trap! Don’t go in there! You have too much to live for!”

Twilight licked her lips as her ingenious mind went through hundreds of possible scenarios that awaited her inside that room. For all she knew, it could be filled with fireworks ready to go off and blast her to the moon. And yet...

“I have to go in. I can do it, girls!” shouted Twilight, ignoring Pinkie’s pleas. She bucked the door open and found herself in a big, dark, and seemingly empty room. Gulping, Twilight raised her paintball gun up to waist and slowly went inside, checking all around her just in case. There was nothing but darkness and silence. It made every inch of her body shiver at the thought of what lay beyond all the shadows.

A small clank nearly caused her to cry out as she turned around, firing a few random shots in the dark. Wings fluttered right behind her and she felt something feathery and soft brush against her back. With a war-like cry, Twilight fired into the darkness again in random directions. Shot after shot was sent into the blackness, sounds of splats heard just after each shot. She only stopped firing when she heard a “clicking” sound from her gun.

Twilight jumped as the lights suddenly turned on, much to her relief. However, this relief was soon replaced with horror by what she saw. Her magic faded and the paintball gun dropped onto the floor, its crash resonating across the large empty room. Twilight stepped back, her pupils shrinking as she began to find it hard to breath. “No... no it... it can’t be... she... she lead me...”

A thousand waves of regret began to overwhelm Twilight as she tried to comprehend how it was possible for her, of all ponies, to forget the location of the castle library. All the books she loved and adored were now ruined by the splatters of paint. Falling to her knees, tears began to fall from the librarian’s eyes as she screamed, “What have I done!”

She noticed one of the books, now covered in blue paint, nearby, and reached out to grab it. Holding it close to her chest, Twilight closed her eyes and whispered, “I’m a monster... a monster. My precious babies...”

Closing her eyes, she lifted her head and screamed, “NOOOOO!”

“Twilight? Come in, Twilight? Twilight!” shouted Rainbow Dash into her earpiece. With no response, she sighed. “Pinkie, I think we lost Twilight.”

“Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I warned her,” said Pinkie.

Rainbow Dash growled as she peered down below her cloud. Philomena had taken one of them out already, and Dash wasn’t going to take take that lying down. “I’m gonna head down there, find that turkey, and give her what for!”

“Hold on! I wanna try and prank Philomena! I wanna try!” begged Pinkie Pie. “Pleeeaaasssse!”

“Pinkie, this is serious! Our reputation as pranksters is on the line here!” chided Rainbow Dash. “Just stay put and let me come up with an... you’re already going in, aren’t you.”

“Yup! Wish me luck!” said Pinkie Pie before cutting the line.

“I don’t get it!” cried out Fancy Pants, stomping his hoof in frustration as he readjusted the clothespin on his nostrils. “We’ve gone through thirty-seven packets of mints, two bottles of mouthwash, and even used a clean breath spell. How do you still smell so... rancid?!”

“Don’t ask...” whispered Luna, trying to keep her lips shut as much as possible. Fancy Pants shook his head in defeat and walked away.

Luna glanced around, watching the party ponies keep their distance from her. She didn’t know if it was because of her breath, or the thought that she had repressed romantic feelings for her sister, the latter of which made her feel nauseous.
Despite Fancy’s assurance that nopony would speak about what happened, Luna knew better. Rumors always circulated throughout the castle, and it was inevitable that this one would reach the public. She could already feel her reputation slowly slipping through her hooves like melted butter. She didn’t know if should just run away or kill all the witnesses and blame it on somepony else. Maybe Blueblood.

“Psst. Luna!”

Luna raised her head up and blinked. Swiveling left and right, she tried to see who was whispering to her. A tap of her shoulder alerted her of their presence and she turned around to see Pinkie Pie, dressed up as a waiter and carrying a plate of mini quiches. Naturally, she was also wearing a clothespin on her snout. Gasping, she tried to block Pinkie’s appearance with her giant wings.  “Pinkie Pie! What are you doing?! If Philomena spots you...”

“Relax. silly. I’ve got this!” Pinkie pulled out a fake mustache and attached it to her face. “See! Now I totally blend in.”

“I fail to see how adding hair to your snout is going to fool anypony. You’re the Element of Laughter, ponies are going to recognize you by sight alone!” hissed Luna.

Their conversation was interrupted as a female unicorn in a blue dress walked towards them. “Excuse me, waiter?” Pinkie turned around and smiled. “Could you be a kind gentlecolt and direct me towards the little fillies’ room, please?”

“Sure, just head straight down the hall and take the third door on your right,” addressed Pinkie, pointing to the exit.
The unicorn nodded. “Thank you. Oh, and nice to see you too, Princess Luna.”

Luna watched in amazement as the unicorn walked away without a care. She turned back towards a grinning Pinkie Pie and tired to say something, but words failed her. Does that simple disguise really work, or have ponies just gotten less observant in the last one thousand years?

“So, let me tell you what I have planned out!” said Pinkie eagerly as she displayed the quiche. “Inside each of these is a yellow itching paintball, and whoever eats it will start scratching all over like a dog with fleas! I’m gonna get Philomena to eat one, and we’ll see her shake all her feathers off! It’s gonna be great!”

Thinking about the sight nearly made Luna fall to her knees and rupture in laughter. Seeing her princess’ approval, Pinkie bounced her way across the party, saying hello to some of the guests along the way. When they tried to reach for the quiche, she politely told them that they were bad and she was bringing them to the garbage. After a few minutes of searching, she spotted the phoenix, resting on a nearby tree looking a bit lonely.

Pinkie Pie cleared her throat, grabbing Philomena’s attention. “Hi! You look a little down! Want some quiche to make you feel better?” She lifted the tray up for Philomena to get a good sniff, but the phoenix stuck out her tongue and turned away with a huff. “Aw, come on. It’s really good! Just one?”

Philomena shook her head.

“One bite?”

Another shake.

“Pretty please with cherries on top!”

Philomena slowly peered her head around and nearly trembled at the sight of a puppy-eyed Pinkie Pie. She was even sniffling and biting her lip for good measure. Philomena tried to look away, tried to ignore the growing sense of guilt that was building inside her. With an annoyed sigh, she nodded her head, instantly wiping the guilty-fueled look from Pinkie’s face.
Grabbing one of the quiches, Philomena slowly inched it closer to her mouth as Pinkie leaned forward in anticipation.

Suddenly, Pinkie felt something come off her face, and both of them looked down to see her mustache on the ground. Pinkie grabbed the back of her neck and rubbed it, eyes darting around, refusing to meet the phoenix’s. “Wow, that hair removing product really works unexpectedly.”

Philomena quickly went to work by stuffing the quiche into Pinkie’s mouth. Pinkie gasped and tried to prevent herself from swallowing, coughing and using her tongue as a shield for her esophagus.  The phoenix took another mini-quiche and flew off just as Pinkie hacked out the pranked pasty, no worse for wear. Relieved that she hadn’t bitten into the paintball inside, she began to wonder where Philomena went until she noticed one of the quiche missing.

She didn’t even need her Pinkie Sense to tell her that was bad.

By the constellations I am so bored! thought Princess Luna as she sulked in the back of the party. Most of the guests were no longer paying attention to her anymore—a good thing, really—and Philomena hadn’t been spotted. Even better, her sister wasn’t back yet to chew her ear off for her actions earlier. How am I going to explain that one anyway?

A gurgle from her lower abdomen signaled her desire for food, and Luna, glancing at the tasty treats, felt urged to comply. Walking towards the buffet, she picked up a plate and started filling it with whatever she could see.

Unbeknownst to Luna, Philomena was right under the table, glancing at the ignorant princess from below. Taking the joke quiche, she flipped it up and it landed on Princess Luna’s plate, unnoticed. Snickering, she retreated back under the table and watched as Luna retreated from the buffet.

Licking her lips, Princess Luna eyed the many snacks and sweets on her plate, trying to decide which one would be best to taste first. She closed her eyes and randomly picked one, her magic levitating the quiche into her mouth, biting into it with gusto. “Hmmm, tasty!”

She went to pick up a cupcake when suddenly she felt an itch behind her right ear. Huffing in annoyance, she scratched it and went back to her sweets... only to start scratching her other ear. Then her nose, her chin, her shoulders and soon Luna found herself scratching all over. What’s going on! Why... can’t I... stop... itching!

It was like she was getting poked by a thousand needles, and no matter how much she tried, she couldn’t stop scratching herself. She tried to fight it off, use mind over matter, but it was a futile effort. With a great cry, she started running and scratching all over herself from her horn to her flank. Ponies stared at her in shock as she jumped around, shaking herself and pressing her hooves all over her body and wings. Already, whispers and hoof pointing were starting and Princess Luna couldn’t do anything to stop herself.

On the other end of the gardens, Pinkie Pie was realizing the predicament that Luna was about to find herself in. Looking around, she tried to find something to help her save her from further embarrassment, and noticed the DJ. Getting an idea, she dashed over to the DJ and bumped him off his set, knocking his headphones onto her head. She turned off his previous tune and grabbed the mic. “Hey everypony!” All eyes turned from Princess Luna—who was sitting on the grass, shuffling forward with her butt—towards her. “What do you say we get this party started and start shaking it down just like Princess Luna!”

She quickly looked through the records set up, and smiled upon finding one that would surely work. Taking the record, she put it in place and played it. Trumpets and a drum solo started acting up, familiar to the taste of a Mexicolt fiesta. All eyes turned to Luna as she jumped to her two hind legs and started scratching all over herself while struggling to not fall. To the audience, however, it looked like she was dancing to the music in a provocative way, and the lyrics that followed only supported that theory.

Falling to her knees, Princess Luna started scratching her hair and plot, whipping both from side to side. Her entire body shook and shivered like it was the middle of an earthquake as everypony stared at her, drawing special attention from the stallions.

Peering around, Luna noticed a giant pitcher of water on a table and stumbled her way towards it, knocking back a few guests. She tripped along the way, stumbling over her desperately itching hooves, resulting in her twirling around and landing on a nearby cushion by the pitcher.

Grabbing the pitcher with her magic, she dashed its contents all over her, hoping it would ease the maddening itch in some way. The other ponies gasped as the water smoothly washed over her, resulting in a coat that sparkled with her (now very wet) starry mane. Ponies began tapping their hooves and shaking their heads to the song, unaware of the discomfort Luna was in.

With the water having not worked, and having no coherent options remaining, Luna jumped up and started shaking herself while keeping one hoof against her chest and the other against her flank, rubbing both desperately. By this point, ponies began joining in, thinking it to be some kind of dance. Pinkie was shaking her own tail at the DJ studio as she cracked up the volume.

Feeling her own hooves weren’t worth it, Luna grabbed a nearby stallion who gasped as he was taken by the hooves. They stood up on hind legs as she place his hooves on her behind and desperately ordered, “Scratch me now!”

The stallion nodded, not caring if her breath was terrible, as he scratched Luna’s tight rear cheeks. Sighing in relief, she held close to him and shifted herself every so often for maximum feeling while her hooves danced across her withers and neck. The stallion—considering himself to be the luckiest guy on the face of the planet at that moment—believed this to be part of the dance and the two started shaking it together, side by side. Their audience began to cheer and whoop loudly, couples soon pairing up, some even attempting to match the provocative princess.

Up above, Rainbow Dash was watching the whole thing and laughing up a storm. Granted, she was upset about Pinkie failing to prank Philomena, but it was worth it just to see this. She wasn’t the only one laughing, though. As her own mirth began to die down, she overheard a high pitched squeaking next to her, and turned around to see Philomena, wing pointing at the scene and tears streaming down her face.

“You!” shouted Rainbow Dash, grabbing her paintball gun.Philomena squawked in alarm and quickly sped off, Dash right behind her. The two dove down towards the gardens until they were at ground level, a rainbow blur chasing after the fiery streaks.

Their chase went on through hedges, trees, and statues. Tight turn after tight turn, Rainbow Dash kept up with Philomena, cursing the obstacles in her way that prevented her from going all out with her speed. Taking aim, Rainbow Dash unleashed her shots, but Philomena was able to dodge and weave through each one, resulting in most of the windows and some nearby statues getting covered with red paint.

They soon came to a dead end, the phoenix braking hard before tumbling into a large hedge. Philomena turned around to see a malicious grin on Rainbow Dash, heading straight for her. “I have you now!”

Just as Rainbow Dash closed on her, readying her gun to a shot she couldn’t miss, Philomena flared her wings and shined as bright as the sun itself. Rainbow Dash screamed as the brilliant light blinded her, flying right over Philomena’s head as she tried to cover her eyes. “My eyes! I can’t see!”

She flew right through the hedge and into crowded dance floor, screaming and shooting in random directions. Everypony who was had just been dancing now shouted in fright as they were hit with red paintballs, instantly knocking them all out. Pinkie Pie and Luna were quick enough to duck and cover as Rainbow Dash continued firing in random directions, spinning in place as she rubbed furiously at her eyes.

Her momentum carried her into the ice sculpture of Princess Celestia, tumbling into it and knocking it to the ground with a heavy thud. Rainbow Dash followed it down, spinning head over heels beyond it before burying herself into a large cake, splattering those nearby with pink frosting as Pinkie rushed over and gasped, “Dashie! You okay?

“...ugh...” moaned Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie turned to the crowd and waved her hoof. “She’s okay!”

A content snore answered her from the largely incapacitated party-goers while those left standing were moaning too much to care.

Luna, rising from her hooves, noticed Philomena flying off towards the garden entrance and growled. “Okay! No more Ms. Nice Pony!”

Her great wings flared out and she rocketed after the bird. Pinkie Pie extricated Rainbow Dash from the cake, helping her wipe the remaining pastry off her face and body. Naturally, she was using her tongue. “Mmm, delicious!”

Rainbow Dash’s cheeks turned red as she saw the battlefield surrounding her, mere remains of the earlier party. Food was scattered and trampled all over the ground. The guests that weren’t knocked out were moaning in pain and glaring at the pair of ponies standing in the remains of the cake. The glorious ice statue, formerly depicting the Solar Princess in beautiful detail, now was a half-melted ice block that resembled less an alicorn and more a misshapen monster, with rounded stumps for wings and what could be mistaken for a second head growing from between its eyes.

“Well, it can’t get any worse,” moped Rainbow Dash.

Pinkie gulped and pointed behind her, where she saw a stunned Princess Celestia look at the remains of her once perfectly planned-out party. Her left eye twitched as she mumbled inaudibly, her head swiveling left and right as she tried to take in the destruction. An instant later, she gave the entire crowd a glare that made them step back at once before roaring in the Royal Canterlot Voice. “Who is responsible for this!”

Every hoof in the area pointed to Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, who were pointing at each other. Celestia slowly stepped forward towards the two, her mane now a red fiery blaze while her horn glowed with such heat it made the flowers burn into ashes. With eyes promising untold amounts of pain, the two pranksters held each other in fear as they saw their upcoming demise come towards them.

“Pinkie Pie, I’m sorry for all those times I called you crazy behind your back,” said Dash, closing her eyes.

“And I’m sorry that I told everypony you still sleep with a teddy bear and blanket!” confessed Pinkie Pie, earning her a look of disbelief and anger from Dash. “I said I was sorry.”

Before the two could fall victim to whatever punishment Celestia was about to deliver them, the doors to the garden gates slammed open once more. Everypony turned around to see an enraged Twilight Sparkle, eyes glowing red and magical aura spurring out of control, lift her paintball gun and fired into the air.

“PHILOMENA!” roared Twilight as she searched the area, her mind so blinded by rage that she couldn’t tell the difference between friend and foe. Eyes darting around, she then noticed a large flaming figure up front. The image soon faded to that of a flaming phoenix, its beak agape in laughter.Her magic spread across her paintball gun. It grew bigger, longer, and heavier as it was taken apart piece by piece and reformed. Everypony gasped in horror as Twilight stood on her back hooves and hefted a massive chaingun, fully loaded with red paintballs “SUFFER FOR YOUR SINS AGAINST LITERATURE YOU PELLET-PUKING WINGED MENACE!” 

Everypony cowered to the ground except for a stunned Princess Celestia, as Twilight unleashed her rage via paintball barrage. The princess stood no chance as her once snow-white coat was given a new paint job.Paintball after paintball pelted against Princess Celestia as she flinched with each blow, holding her hoof to her heart as she was gunned down mercilessly. After a lifetime of constant fire, the whirling barrels of the smoking gun slowed to a stop. The remaining ponies on the ground uncovered their eyes, watching in horror as Princess Celestia staggered backwards and collapsed. Her crown, spattered in red, bounced and rolled upon the ground before wobbling and collapsing onto its side with a dull thud that echoed throughout the stricken gardens.

Twilight’s anger soon replaced with horror upon seeing her mentor fall like a wounded soldier from a battlefield.  “Princess Celestia!” shouted Twilight, dropping her weapon and galloping to her fallen teachers side. She fell to the ground, cradling Celestia’s lifted head up.

“Twi...light... my student...” whispered Celestia, barley keeping her eyes open.

“I’m so sorry! Just stay with me! Please!” shouted Twilight, tears in her eyes.

With a small smile, Celestia lifted her hoof up and gently caressed Twilight’s mane. “I’m sorry...” She closed her eyes as her hoof fell upon the ground like dead weight.

“No! Princess, come back! Princess Celestia!” cried Twilight as she held her beloved teacher in her forelegs.

Everypony started to tear up and hugged each other at the sight. Guards removed their helmets and cursed themselves for their failure. Twilight gently lowered her teacher on the ground and folded the white limp hooves against her mentor’s chest. She lowered her head and kissed the unblemished forehead of Celestia.

“Good night, sweet, princess. And may angels sing thee to thy rest...” whispered Twilight, wiping the tears from her eye. Everypony bowed their heads, their hearts and minds occupied with thoughts of their once great leader. A massive sobbing was heard as Pinkie wailed into a handkerchief, overcome with grief.

“Uh, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, raising her eyebrow at the scene. “You do know she’s just asleep right.”

“Snnnoorrreeee!”

Everypony blinked in shock as they stared at the sleeping princess, who twitched as she grumbled a bit before releasing another massive snore. Twilight looked at the disbelieving crowd and nervously chuckled. “Um, oops?”

Luna cursed the designer of the palace. It had so many halls and twists and turns that it felt more like a maze than a home. Abandoning the gardens, she had chased Philomena for some time, hurtling down corridors and stairs until she lost track of where she was. It didn’t help that she was still itching, but at this point she could have been on fire and it wouldn’t matter. Her anger was blocking all other feelings except one: vengeance

Keeping her horn ready charged with magic, she checked every room she came across until there was one left: her bathing room, where the accursed bird had nearly burned her skin off.

Gulping, she slowly opened the door and crept in, checking every corner for movement. Just as she reached the edge of the bath, she heard the door slam behind her and quickly turned around. There by the entrance, on the ground, was her tormentor, smiling with one of her wings behind her back. Luna growled and prepared herself. “I have no idea what you’re planning now, but I can assure you that I’m ready to make you pay for embarrassing me!”

Philomena only chuckled before revealing what was behind her back. Luna gasped. In Philomena’s wings was a blue vial, the last of three. Luna could feel every inch of her body tremble—even worse thanks to the itching paintball—at the thought of what Philomena was going to do with it. She had suffered the poison joke twice and didn’t want another horrifying experience with it.

If I can disarm her... grab the vial and use it myself... thought Luna as sweat dripped down her brow.
For a long time, the two stood still, neither batting an eyelash despite one being tempted to do so. Finally, the tension caught up with Luna and she raised her hoof to scratch her neck as Philomena raised the vial.

Suddenly, the door opened, smashing into the phoenix. Philomena squeaked as she was knocked forward, crashing into Princess Luna. The two of them fell into the bath, the vial of poison joke flipping up into the air before gravity took over pulled it down inescapably. Its contents broke open upon contact with the water. The bath began to glow a dark blue, sparkling lights reflecting off its surface. A large whirlpool formed inside as the two trapped foes struggled to escape, but were caught inside and forced under as it spun faster and faster.

The water spun faster yet as the magical glow began to intensify. When it reached its highest speed yet, a giant ball of light erupted from the middle of the whirlpool, rising above both Philomena and Luna as they struggled to keep their mouths above the churning water. Two wisp, one blue from Luna’s horn and the other red from Philomena’s breast, rose and crackled with magical energy, before speeding into the opposite’s mouth. When they had swallowed the strange mystical energy, the orb of light exploded and sent them flying across the room in opposite directions, water sloshing across the room. Their heads cracked against the stone walls, both slumping to the wet floor as they fell unconscious.

Prince Blueblood, who had only come in for a quick bath before bed, looked at the two unconscious figures before turning back to the bath, which had slowly begun to return to its normal behavior. “Huh. I didn’t know this bath had a whirlpool feature.”

The moment she woke up, it felt like her skull had just been fractured by an executor’s axe. Groaning, she tried to lift herself up, but doing so only worsened her headache. She tried to open her eyes, but everything was so blurry and dark. She could barely make out the two ponies in her vision.

“Why do we have to guard this troublemaker again?” asked one of the ponies, whose voice she recognized as that of a stallion.

“Orders are orders. Princess Luna requested it,” said the other voice, also male.

“Still didn’t need to cut our vacation time, though,” complained the first one. “I was having fun drinking my flank off.”

“Yes, yes, Helm Breaker. I heard you say that a million times already. Just get over it.”

Helm Breaker? That must mean the other is Piercing Valor. Her vision was getting better as she let out a groan, getting the Night Guards attention. She sat up and rubbed her head, cursing at the pain before looking at the guards who were, to her surprise, glaring at her.

“So you finally woke up, you little pain in the flank,” said Helm Breaker. “I don’t know why Princess Luna wanted you to be kept unharmed, but if it was me you would be in a jail cell.”

She blinked before glaring at them. “I am Princess Luna, you blithering idiots!”

The two stepped back and gasped. Piercing Valor lifted his hoof and pointed at Luna. “Y–you can talk?!” He blinked and stared at her in confusion. “And... you sound just like Princess Luna.”

Luna raised an eyebrow. “Of course I sound like Princess Luna. That’s who I am.” She stood up on her talons and pointed her right wing at the guards. “Now one of you tell me what’s... going... on?”

She stared at the wing that she was using. It was bright red, intruding where her hoof should have been. She looked at her rear hooves, only to find bird feet. Her fears worsened when she touched her snout, but it was sharp and smooth like a... beak.

“No... no no no no!” shouted Luna as she jumped off the bed, momentarily noticing her now short height, and headed over to a nearby mirror. What she saw nearly caused her to have a heart attack. Her worst fears were realized as she tried to deny herself what was going on. It had to be a nightmare, or another prank, but deep inside Luna knew this was real.
She was in Philomena’s body.

A worse thought came to mind. If she was in Philomena’s body.... then that meant Philomena was in...

The castle staff all muttered to each other as they stood before the empty throne. Whispers told about a huge party that went wrong and many were in the hospital. One rumor said that Princess Celestia had been killed by an assassin, while another claimed that she and Princess Luna were having a forbidden relationship with one another.

The crowd was soon silenced as a Night Guard climbed to the first step leading to the the throne and called for their attention. “Listen up. I know you have heard a lot of things, but I’m going to be clear about this. Princess Celestia is okay, she’s just not feeling well at the moment to rule. Thankfully, her student and two of the Elements are watching over here. In the meantime, Princess Luna will be taking Princess Celestia’s duties until her majesty has recovered.”

He stepped down as the front doors open, revealing a grinning 'Princess Luna'. She strolled past her subjects and made her way to the throne. Sitting down, she looked at the bowing ponies before her gave a laugh.

“Let the fun begin...”