//------------------------------// // Apples and Headaches // Story: The Ballad of Jack and Sylvia: an Equestrian Odyssey // by Venter //------------------------------// Apples and Headaches Jack regained his consciousness in midair, the sky overhead filled with a roiling cloud of pink and purple lightning. He had about three seconds to think about how beautiful it was before he crashed into a tree branch. First one branch... then another... then another... and then the cool ground. The branches had slowed his descent, but the impact was still enough to knock him out. Sylvia suffered a similar fall; however, her blow was significantly softened by the Jack-shaped mattress she landed on. The snapped branches scattered around them, along with a small horde of large plump red delicious apples. Up above, the bizarre lightning filled cloud shrank down to a speck and then vanished, leaving a clear blue cloudless sky behind it. "Tarnation, Mac, ah told you to ease up on the bucking! Yer gonna muss up next year's harvest if you break the trees!" A feminine voice rang out from over a nearby hill. It had a soft southern twang to it; if Jack had been conscious, he would have found the accent quite attractive. Sylvia, on the other hand, was conscious. The voice drained the color from her face and left her rather light headed. She would have written off the voice's familiarity to a concussion, if not for three words: Tarnation, Mac, and Bucking. As though to fully dispel her disbelief, a blonde maned pony wearing a stetson came over the hill. She froze at the sight of what appeared to be quite alien creatures in her orchard. "What in tarnation...." A much larger red stallion came galloping up behind her. "Ah didn't brea -" He froze mid sentence on seeing the humans sprawled out on the ground. "AJ... what the hay are those?" "Ah... don't know. Was gonna ask you the same question. Y'never seen anything like 'em afore?"  "Anope." Sylvia's heart was racing. Her head was swimming, and not just from the likely concussion. These were ponies. Real, live, talking, applebuckin' my little ponies. There was also the matter of Jack's body on the ground beside her, his ankles still pinned by her hip. She could feel him breathing, but a fall like that might have done serious damage. "I...I need help; my friend's hurt!" She looked pleadingly back and forth between Applejack and Big Macintosh. "Leapin' Celery, it can talk!" Applejack's eyes widened even further, if possible, but she wasn't deaf to the cries of someone in need. She was still considering what to do when a rainbow shot by all four of them with lightning speed, leaving a heavy breeze in its wake. An instant later the rainbow curved around and pulled to a stop in midair, revealing herself as a cyan pegasus with bright magenta eyes. “I came as soon as I saw the lightning. Applejack - what was that!? None of the weather crews have any storm instructions for today. And the lightning we work with isn’t pink.” The newcomer said. Sylvia was excited beyond reason to see another pony she recognized - the famous Rainbow Dash, this time. She was also more than a little concerned that potential medical attention was being delayed. Fortunately Applejack was nothing if not practical, and she got down to business straight away. “Rainbow, ah need you to get Fluttershy down here pronto! She’ll know how ta fix ‘im.” “Fix who?” The pegasus followed Applejack’s eyes to Jack’s limp body, doing a quick double take. “What is THAT!?” “That’s a critter who’se likely t’die if you don’t get Fluttershy!” Applejack shot back urgently. Dash’s curiosity was far from sated, but Applejack's voice was had steel in it in a way that was not to be ignored. With a quick nod and a flash of rainbow colored smoke, she was a streak in the distance. Something about this didn’t make sense to Sylvia. Well, something more than the ponies being real - that much was just a dream come true. But that was just it; the plant she had recognized back on Earth was poison joke, and poison joke wasn’t known for granting dreams. There had to be a prank afoot here; that said, she couldn’t tell what it was - and that made her all the more nervous. Jack woke up. He had the mother of all headaches, and the world was still swimming a bit before his eyes. He could see broken branches... apples... and then he laid eyes on Applejack. At first it didn’t click in his mind what exactly she was - he could tell that she was a quadruped, and that there was something cartoonish about her appearance. In fact, everything around him looked rather cartoonish. His immediate assumption was that whatever flower Sylvia had knocked him into was some sort of hallucinogen; after all, he had to be tripping balls right now - cartoons didn’t walk around a campground. And yet he couldn’t shake the feeling that he had seen the animal before - her and her cowboy hat. Rainbow Dash returned nearly as quickly as she had left, her speed only checked by the resistance generated by the pink maned pegasus she carried in her fetlocks. Fluttershy hadn’t put up much of a struggle - she hated breakneck speeds, but when she heard that there was a hurt animal her inner courage overcame her natural timidity. The sight of Rainbow Dash, in particular her distinctive mane and tail, was all the jogging Jack’s memory needed. He recognized Applejack from a macro - and recognized Dash from about a dozen more. “Great. It would be fucking ponies... I just can’t get away from you, can I?” He was mostly muttering to himself, but it was certainly loud and clear enough for everyone - and everypony - present to hear. Sylvia winced sharply, realizing that he was giving them their first impressions of the entire human race. Suddenly the poison joke made perfect sense. Rainbow Dash was in his face immediately, her temper flaring at his obvious distaste for her kind. “You got a problem with ponies!?” She demanded “I just wish you'd get the hell off of my internet. And out of my head, for that matter.” He responded with a yawn, still quite convinced that he was hallucinating. The response made Dash back off, unsure as to what exactly an 'internet' was. Applejack piped up. “Ah think he's just a bit off from the fall. Y'shouldn't hold it against 'im, Dash.” Meanwhile Fluttershy was approaching him, her legs trembling with every step. “I...i...it would be great if you could sit down, if you want... I have to che...check...” “I'm fine; just need to figure out where I am and wait for the damn flowers to wear off.” “B...b...but you fell a long way, and your head might be-” “Look, my head hurts a bit but I'm fine! You're the one whose imaginary, after all.” Fluttershy took a deep breath and turned on him with her eyes wide. Jack's gaze had always been considered piercing, but her stare seemed to split him in two. “You need to lie down and let me examine you!” Jack tried to open his mouth to protest with a snarky remark, and yet none would come to him. His words caught in his throat, and it was taking all of his effort to remain sitting upright against such a stare. At the end of the day he could do little but lie back in the soft Equestrian grass, as Fluttershy's gaze softened into a sweet smile. “That's more like it... I'll only be a moment, and this won't hurt a bit.” Jack lay quite still. The effects of her stare had subsided, but the memory of it got the job done. Her hooves were far softer than he expected; not rough and leathery like the cloven hooves of earth, but light and almost silky. After a brief examination the Pegasus turned to her friends. “He's not in danger, but we should probably be careful with him. Also...” She shivered a bit, as though she didn't want to say what was forthcoming. “...they eat meat. I mean, sometimes. I mean, their teeth...” She was stammering, not wanting to put the newly discovered creatures in a bad light. “...they can eat meat.” The news seemed to cast them in a new light to the ponies. A healthy does of fear was mixing into their curiosity, though none of them backed away - Applejack and Rainbow Dash had more than enough guts to hold their ground, and Fluttershy knew from experience that a creature's diet wasn't always an indication of its character. Jack was rubbing his temple, starting to get annoyed at being subjected to Fluttershy's treatments and tests. He started to sit up, and Rainbow flew over and put a hoof on his shoulder, trying to push him back down. Fluttershy reached into her saddlebag, pulling out a gel of finely mashed flowers and sneaking it into Jack's mouth as he struggled. “There there... just swallow this and you'll feel better.” She rubbed his back between the shoulder blades with her hoof, coaxing him into swallowing the paste. It was pretty much tasteless, but even before he swallowed he felt the herbs taking effect. His vision steadied and the throbbing ache in his head faded away. Dash released him as she felt him stop struggling, the human sitting up and peering about with a new found clarity to his vision. “...thanks. Guess you're not bad, for a cartoon pony.” Rainbow Dash looked all the more vexed. “Cartoon? What the hay are you talking about!?” She demanded. Jack was getting ready to respond when a small explosion of pink smoke and confetti disrupted the clearing, a female voice ringing out from inside. “I came as soon as my Pinkie Sense told me to! What's going on!?” A pink blur shot from inside the cloud, moving straight to Jack. “Who are you?” It then moved to Sylvia. “Who are you?” It ended up in mid-air beside Rainbow Dash in a way that defied gravity, finally pausing long enough to be visible as a light pink pony with a darker pink mane, a small colorful marking in the shape of three balloons on her flank. “Who are they!?” The pink pony looked down at about the same time gravity opted to reassert itself, and then fell flat on her rump. The impact left her momentarily wall-eyed. Sylvia spoke up, fighting through a fit of the giggles at the crazy mare's antics. Leave it to Pinkie Pie. “My name is Sylvia, and he's Jack.” Pinkie Pie once again became a blur, zooming back to Sylvia. “You can talk!” And back to Jack again. “And if she can talk, you can talk! And if she can talk and you can talk, then you must be here for friends! NEW FRIENDS! I've gotta get ready.” And with another cloud of pink smoke and confetti she vanished into the distance. Sylvia turned to Jack, a rather fangirlish grin spreading across her face. “You should be ready for a surprise party.” She regretted the words almost as soon as they left her mouth, all of the ponies taking a step back and regarding her with surprise and curiosity. Applejack was the first to speak up. “Y'mind tellin' us how y'all knew about Pinkie's parties?” Rainbow Dash flew forward, getting into Sylvia's face. “Have you been spying on Pinkie? Come on, out with it!” Sylvia winced a bit; as overjoyed as she was to have the element of loyalty literally inches from her face, she didn't relish the idea of admitting to having watched her and her friends for a couple years now. It felt voyeuristic. “In our world, there are stories... if I'm right, stories about this world and you six. The bearers of the elements of harmony.” She explained, picking her words carefully. Jack cut her off with a snort of laughter. “Y'mean that damned cartoon?” Sylvia stared daggers at him, but he continued on. “Bad enough that it's shoving its way into every other facet of my life, now it's in my hallucinations too?” “You're not hallucinating.” Sylvia snapped. “This is real. And you're being a complete ass.” Jack gave her a look dripping with disbelief. “Alright then, fake Sylvia, what did Mr. Neumann have to say about the Gulf of Tonkin?” “He said that it was a ruse used to expand the military power of the president.” She responded without hesitation. “...Crap.” Jack had no idea what the answer to his own question was, but that sounded pretty pithy. Truth be told he only remembered the question because it had kneecapped his grade on the final. Either his subconscious had paid more attention than he had, or this was real – and he was starting the painful process of admitting it was the latter. “How eloquent.” She responded acidly before turning back to the ponies. “Anyway, as I was saying... I've heard the legend of the elements; Pinkie's parties were part of them. This really is that world, isn't it? This really is Equestria...” Rainbow Dash cut in. “Guh, of course we're in Equestria. Where else would we be? Wait-” Her eyes widened a bit. “Does that mean you're from... another world?” “Yes... and now we're here apparently.” Sylvia wondered whether the pegasus would believe her. She would have a hard time believing herself were their roles reversed. “...So you're aliens? Aliens who tell legends about us? That. Is. Awesome!” Rainbow Dash seemed to be completely on board with the story. “That we are... including you, the legendary Rainbow Dash. Element of loyalty.” She played up the drama, giving a little half bow. “...AWESOME!” The pegasus's eyes and mouth alike were drawing up into a smile that seemed to fill her entire face. Before she could calm down Pinkie Pie shot back into the clearing, pausing only to whisper something into Applejack's ear before vanishing. “...If y'all aren't hurt, and are done strokin' Dash's ego, we're wanted down at the barn.”