Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student

by milesprower06


Dragon Quest

Letters From A Disgruntled Friendship Student
by milesprower06

Dragon Quest

Dear Princess Celestia,

So today, we decided to have the least worthy of us, Applejack and Pinkie Pie, dig a trench so we can watch as dragons migrate to the continent of Tamriel. I hear they're scheduled to cause some havoc in Skyrim. Apparently all of them owe this Alduin guy some money, so they all agreed to do this invasion thing for him.

Meanwhile, I was being entertained, watching Rainbow try to force Fluttershy out of her home. She figured with how loud she was yelling back at the Gala, as well as after her lessons with Iron Will, her Thu'um must be pretty decent unless we needed protection. But speaking of those assertiveness lessons, they must have been pretty good, because she proceeded to knock Rainbow flat on her back, stomp on her chest, and then proceeds to gingerly slip out the back window...and she even got out of paying Iron Will. That clever bitch!

So there we all are in the sub-par trench, along with that ever-flamboyant whore Rarity, when Spike starts handing out snacks and refreshments and draws comparisons to himself when we all start commenting in awe over the dragons. I warned Spike not to compliment himself, because all that is is a cue for us to start making fun of how fabulously gay he is compared to these fearsome dragons. We made him all embarrassed and blush and he stomped off. He went back to the library to try and find some books on improving self-esteem, but having predicted such a move, I had removed all the self-help books from the library several months ago, and made him go through all the shelves to prove it. It made him so upset that he cried well into the night. What a pathetic excuse for a gay maid.

So the next day, he starts packing to go off to find the dragons. While I tried to convince him that I had a microchip implanted in his skull after he ran off when I adopted Owlowicious, he didn't buy it, and he took off. Teaming up with Rarity and Candy Vag, we decided to go after him. Rarity assured us she knew the perfect way to blend in, and designed the worst disguise ever. I mean, sure, it would absolutely take first prize at a dragon cosplay contest, but we're actually trying to LOOK LIKE a dragon here. Big difference there.

So the dragons stop for a travel break at Mt. Doom or something, where Spike encounters them. They started a hazing ritual, and the last of which was King of the Horde, and that got tiring very quickly. There was this voice that kept saying, 'Horde Controlled' over and over again. It was really fucking annoying. Good thing they didn't play Capture the Flag. When we started commenting on it, some of the dragons began to wonder who we were, and they just shrugged us off as a relative of Crackle. We look over and saw...just...the most offensive thing we've ever seen. Good Sweet Celestia, somedragon put that fucking freak out of his misery. After dubbing Spike Rookie Dragon, they party well into the night doing crystal meth.

They then decide to prepare for Skyrim by going on a raid. I wasn't going to let Spike get the chance of escaping my grasp, so we followed them into the forest. After pulling the aggro of the two tanking parents, the dragons find all the eggs hatched, and then decide to go after the babies themselves, which alerts the parents. Finding a spare egg, they encourage Spike to smash it on the ground, but then he goes all pro-life on them. Realizing that he'd never make it in Skyrim, he sides with us, and we escape back to Ponyville, where we know they'll never try to get us.

I mean, come on, Dovahshy is here. We're safe.

Your Ranged DPS former student,
Twilight Sparkle

P.S.
Fus Ro Fuck You