Three years ago I was human, I was on Earth. I had a family, a job, a life.
Three years ago...
“For god's sake it's Not that hard! Just stay out of the way and maybe we won't die!.”I barked angrily into the mic.
My hands danced over the keyboard, my eyes glimmering like fiery gems in the screen's glare, a snarl curled my lip and escaped into the air before my mouth shut in a scowl.
For two days out of every week, My computer housed my entire world. World of Warcraft, Reddit, Youtube and Bogleech, these were my little islands of refuge from the working world.
Outside those two days I held down a steady weekday job at a warehouse to keep up with my rent, Monday till Thursday, 7am till 10 pm, with my free time on workdays spent shopping, eating and sleeping. Friday was always reserved for clubs and socialising, I didn't want to be a shut-in recluse after all.
But that was Saturday, my computer day, my day to relax.
Pony day.
I'll admit right here that I was, and still am a brony and proud, my motorbike has a Rainbow Dash decal on its gas-tank, my helmet has a tiny trio of butterfly stickers stuck to the outside (Fluttershy is best pony, no exceptions) My family were equal parts amused and confused about my interest in the show, but they don't really care, they were a bit too far away to care.
But right now I wasn't thinking about the magic land of Equestria, I wasn't thinking about harmony, loving and tolerating, I was thinking about how to keep the worst hunter I have ever clapped eyes on from ruining a perfectly good guild raid. The idiot was constantly pulling mobs away from me, every time I started a fight he would start spamming high aggro attacks until the monster went for him. Horrible plan, worse execution.
Eventually we ground to a finish, killing the boss and settling in to divvy up the loot, pausing to kick the moronic hunter when he tried to ninja.
Saying goodbye, I didn't settle down on my couch in the best of moods, cracking open a bottle of cider (Made by a friend, jokingly labeled as 'Sweet Apple Acre's finest') and reaching for the controller, settling in to watch the show I loved unfold.
“My Little Pony, My Little Pony
Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahhh…..
-My Little Pony-
I used to wonder what friendship could be
-My Little Pony-
Until you all shared its magic with me”
“Big adventure”
“Tons of fun”
“A beautiful heart”
“Faithful and-”*Beeeeep*
The harsh buzz of my doorbell seemed to fill my apartment, harsh and unforgiving on my eardrums.
Apparently my singing along was so bad that the universe itself decided to stop me.
Sighing a little as I paused the show I lumbered to my feet and made my way to the door, calling out in my booming voice “Coming! Hold your horses” I didn't bother to hide the annoyance in my tone as the buzzer rang twice more.
The lock-bolts rattled and clattered when they slammed back into place, allowing me to haul the thin door open, revealing a tall, athletic looking old man in a suit
I tried to loom a little, the man's goatee and silent grin made me annoyed for reasons I can't explain. Usually I'm a good loomer, I'm a master of looming, my naturally bulky form mixing with my craggy face too give me a fantastic presence. But the old guy in-front of me refused to be loomed over, for every inch of shadow I cast his sly fox grin seemed only to increase.
He shook my hand before I realised he had it, saying in a voice of silk and oil “Why hello there son, the name's Mr Ord. I'm speaking to Mr Butcher?” he talked fast, shaking my hand so vigorously it was a blur.
No sooner had I volunteered an affirmative than I was being pushed, the old man guiding me back inside my own house with unstoppably, impossible strong arms “That's great sonny, now why don't we sit down for a nice talk over a glass of chocolate milk.
I was stunned, something about the way was being manhandled inside my own home by this old guy was scary, but strangely numbing in it's surreality. Mr Ord's hair seemed strangely familiar, it's grey matte and white streak, his yellow eyes and mismatched red and yellow eyes called out to me.
I was sat down on my couch and instructed to stay put, which I did. He went through to rifle in my little kitchen, calling out to ask where the chocolate powder was, I told him. It took a minute or more, but then he came back through, placing down three glasses of deep brown chocolate milk.
He grinned an easy grin and motioned for me to drink, I did so -it was good- as the odd Mr Ord spoke “Now sonny-jim I expect you have questions.” he smiled somehow wider at my nod “good, questions are the best way to keep things interesting. I expect you're thinking 'who is this guy?' 'This doesn't make any sense'”
I nodded, still drinking (how big was this damn cup?)
“You would be right dear Mr Butcher! My visit doesn't make any sense, why should it? What fun is there in making sense.” If you believed his snake-oil voice and smooth expression Mr Ord was beside himself with glee. But then I looked at his eyes, into the red pits of mismatched madness; he had stood then, towering over me in a dramatic pose with one arm held high and one across his chest. “Why should the great Daniel Ishmael Stefan Cord make any sense?!” His booming operatic voice shook dust out of the ceiling.
It hit me then, the hair, the voice, the way he held himself and the serpentine way he slickly slid and moved, those crazy eyes. My hand shook as it put down the still-full glass, my voice a shaking waver “You're D-d-dis...” I trailed off as Mr Ord leaned in close enough too tickle my nose with his own
“Go on... You can say it.” a clawed finger caressed my chin.
As if to help me, my TV screen flickered, showing off the monster behind the name I stumbled over “Dis-Discord.”
The world shifted before me, Mr Ord reared up not as a man, but a god, all sense of space and scale faded, Discord's arms throwing out wide as lights flashed into being behind him, lighting up my tiny apartment with fireworks that rose high above cotton candy clouds.”We have a winner!” His declaration echoed from the distant mountain of my Ikea bed, his clapping sent ripples of concussion through the shag of my carpet “Bravo, bravo my dear lad.”
I must of made to get up, because in the next moment he was there with a fuzzy lion paw curled around my shoulders, his tail pinning me in place with a mountain's solidity.
“Now now boy, no need to run. I'm not here to eat you, in fact, I'm here to offer you the deal of a lifetime.”
I tried not to hyperventilate in panic “a deal, what kind of deal?”
Discord relaxed, cracking his spine and settling in to watch as the title credits of my favourite show resumed “the best kind of deal my friend, the sort of deal that benefits you, me and my client.” A bowl of popcorn appeared as the show began, the chaos spirit at my shoulder chuckling at his own antics on-screen.
I couldn't stop the question, it was the sort that just needed to be asked “Your client?”
The resident villain poked his head out of the screen to answer “Oh yes, my client. A lovely creature.” the mini-discord climbed all the way out (much to the confusion of Twilight, who had been in the middle of a scene with him) and began slithering over my coffee table, chewing a chunk of plate. “I came across my client while spreading chaos across Equestria. He had got himself into quite the sticky situation you see, and was calling out for help from anyone that passed.”
I followed the pint sized monster across the table with my eyes, fixating on the small square of normalcy inside the swirling maelstrom of chaos that was my apartment “You helped?”
“Of course I helped, I did more than help! I, being the benevolent bountiful bundle of fun that I am, took the poor thing under my wing. He didn't want to live on this planet any-more, I agreed, no-one should have to stay on the same planet if they don't want to. So I cut him a deal, if I could convince a human on earth to give up his body, I would pull the old swaparoonie and switch his mind with that lucky human's.”
I could guess what came next “I guess I'm the human? Can I ask why me?”
Both Discords looked at me as if I were born yesterday “Why would choose you? Why would I choose anyone at all?” He consumed a tongue-full of popcorn “I don't need a reason. That's half the fun of being me.”
“So it's not Destiny? I'm not supposed to be some sort of 'hero'”
Discord laughed, despite a terrifyingly thunderous look on his muzzle “HAH! Destiny, that old hag? I haven't listened to Destiny since the pre-classical era” his tone grew dismissive, even sulky “And why would I help a 'hero'? I'm a 'villain', apparently.” he crunched bitterly on his popcorn around his grumbling about 'stupid alicorns'
The absurdity of the situation hit me then, it was just incomprehensible, it was mind-breaking and illogical. So I did the only thing I could, I laughed out loud and relaxed back, stealing a handful of popcorn (it tasted like chicken and toffee, crackling like pop-rocks)
as I watched the chaos unfolding on-screen, another Discord having appeared to keep the episode on track. “So that's the deal, one body for one free trip to Equestria? How does that help you?”
Discord shrugged “it doesn't.”
I glanced at him “Huh?”
The massive chimeric god looked down at me out of the corner of his eye “I don't benefit from this deal at all lad. In...” he pulled back the skin on his arm to show off a watch on the bone below “...ten minutes, I shall be trapped in stone by those goody-four-shoes Celestia worshippers, stuck in a marble prison for another few thousand years. Just because I don't listen to Fate doesn't mean she won't pull a dirty trick now and then”
I tried to understand “then... Why?”
He snorted out a cloud of bubbles, that popped to become candy-cane flies “Because I'm Discord, I don't like making sense” Then he looked away, his expression unreadable “and I'm not particularly fond of Princess Prissy Pants” he lost the pensive look and dug at me with an elbow. “Chucking a human or two into the mix aught to ruffle old sun-flank's feathers huh? You people are masters at doing my work for me, it's always hilarious to watch, even from my dingy little lawn-ornament”
I thought for a moment, it might have been a second or a day, time seemed to have no real meaning near the spirit of chaos “I think I'm ready to decide.”
I didn't even blink and there he was, paw outstretched. “Do we have a deal then?”
I shouldn't have, it was idiotic, I would have to insane. I knew all that, so I grabbed his titanic paw with my miniscule hand, smiling like the loco moron I was as I shook “Deal Mr Ord. I must be mad, but deal all the same.”
His talons began to glow, the scent of dying stars and the light of raging infernos filling my suddenly normal apartment as the monster before me charged his claws for an almighty click. I saw my electronics pop and die when electricity began to crackle in the air.
I managed to shout, my hand still held in his immovable grip, “Will it hurt?” His head shook, the grin faded to a look of concentration “is there anything I need to know?”
He leaned down then, the air beginning to spin in a mini cyclone “Of course there is. But for now let me just say one thing.” A deep breath later “Lust and love are all you need, change yourself to freely feed. A difficult choice is yours to decide, state nothing but truth or spin little but lies. One will give you freedom, the other will let you hide”
Then he clicked.
The world was white noise and black light, the real world faded to nothing and let only stars remained, twinkling into eyes that weren't mine.
I don't know how long I floated as nothing but a mind in the void, my unreal ears that weren't there ringing with the echo of Discord's voice, his parting chuckle filling my head above the hash of non-existence.
THUMP
I hit the ground rolling. Bouncing off the hill in a shower of dirt, the whistle of air filling my new ears, blinding sun burning my new eyes.
I rolled to a stop with face towards a lake, it's surface dimpling with the falling rain that was all around me, my numb skin apparently too numb to even feel the mud that squelched and oozed around me.
I tried to stand, to talk, to look anywhere but the lake; but my vision was cracked and blurry, fogging over with the cool black of unconsciousness.
The last thing I remember then were a pair of blue hooves, landing in front of my face. A voice, high and reedy yelling into the storm “Honey! I found Somepony Come help!