//------------------------------//
// Chapter 4: If Looks Could Kill 
// Story: Ponies on Red Dwarf 
// by Sound Shard 
//------------------------------//

If Looks Could Kill
Ponyville
Nurse I walked into Rarity's room, sporting her usual red cross hat and apron.
"Helli Miss Rarity. Yiur friends say they've ran inti triuble with a thing called a cimputer," she greeted.
"A computer. I know," Rarity nodded.
"Simething abiut Hilly and a "prigraming errir" and ships. Um, here's the letter." Nurse I looked unsure, but pulled a note from her pocket and read aloud. "Ahem. 'Hilly has develiped a prigraming errir because of the Pluti mining ship 'Wiidward Warhawk'. Pluti is a planet iut here. We need yiu to send us sime suits that will nit let any air in. Yiu can't breathe withiut a suit like that, and they din't nessicarily have ine in piny size,"
"Thank you."
"What dies it mean?"
"It means I need a sewing machine and lots of material. Can you get me that?"
"I din't kniw..."
"Fine. I don't have a concussion anymore, I'll be on my way."
"Yiu can't just 'be in yiur way', yiu've bills ti pay!"
"Exactly. I can't even pay my current balance! So, I'll be on my way," Rarity made this fact final and was clear of it. She let the young mare walk off, but chased her down, for one reason.
"Where di yiu live?" she asked.
"213 Series Terrace..." answered Rarity, hesitantly, for unawareness of what Nurse I would do...
"I'll firward all yiur friend's letters ti yiu. Persinally," she said, not going to be stopped.
"Why thank you ever so much, darling! May I ask why?" Rarity asked, flattered.
"What ir friends fir?" she smiled. Rarity was not about to protest. In the eight days she'd known Nurse I, Rarity discovered she really liked her, if... you got around the whole o-i thing.
"Exactly that! Say... I run a fashion store, you know. I could make you a dress in return!"
"Ih! That wiuld be lively! It's si hard to find a dress with Pegasus wings these days..." she flared her wings, which Rarity had never noticed before. "Thank yiu."
As they walked apart from each-other, Rarity thought of something. This was the first let
ter in seven days! Had something gone wrong? Rarity hoped not.
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Red Dwarf
"You send that letter, Twily?" asked Shining Armor. Twilight nodded. "Then please help me, if you would."
"Certainly, what can I do for you?" Twilight was covered head-to-hoof with grease, electric tape, and oil.
"Take a shower. You stink," demanded Shining, playfully. Twilight giggled and headed for the showers, equipped within each room.
She just hoped Rainbow hadn't already taken one. She always found a ball of rainbow in the drain. Ew. She would hate to live with Rainbow. Also because her book collection consisted of Daring Do and the books by Soarin' and Spitfire. All good reads, but so few reads at that.
Lister was down the hallway, trying to find Holly's internal speech pattern keypad. All the circuit board doors were open, scattered around in miscellaneous piles.
"Would this be it?" asked Lister.
"Tt in't it," replied Holly. Lister had learned that "ta-tint-it" meant "that isn't it".
"Is... This it?"
"Tt in't it."
"This?"
"Tt in't it."
"How about this one?"
"Tt in't it!"
"Thi..."
"eintey not it,"
"I give up!"
"oo. Te inin rmor pony i oin muc better tn you."
"If he's doing better than me, then why even keep me here?"
"Becue I tout it wou o ter!"
"Well, when you saw it wasn't going faster, why didn't you stop me?"
"We, you never e!"
"Weh you never eh. That's 'Well, you never asked', isn't it?"
"We, ye."
Lister had also figured out that "wehyeh" meant "Well, yes". Lister started back down the hall.
"This one?"
"Tt in't it."
"How about this?"
"Tt in't it."
"This?" he pulled a wire.
" 8 5&8'( 697 $97'# 85 !)) 48%&5 /75 697 =&!'%3# 5&3 @3558'%@ !%!8' " Holly made noises. Pinkie was walking down the hall at this moment.
"I think you found it, all right, but you changed the settings again!" said Pinkie.
" 8 *7@5 @!8# 5&!5 "
"Quiet, Holly," demanded Rimmer as he walked up from behind.
" $8'3 " she responded and fluttered off-screen.
"What are we to do?"
"Fine. Holly, if you can make any sense, you may speak," decided Rimmer. Twilight walked up from behind, horn ablaze with magic.
"...okay, this is Rimmer and Lister. I kind of like Rimmer's initiative, but he can be a bit of a mulelick sometimes. Are you three fixing Holly?" she rambled. Pinkie Pie jumped up.
"Ooh! Ooh! Lemme catch ya up ta speed! Holly was talking weird, like this, 'I'm tin weir ie oy w!', but then Lister touched something and now she sounds like this: ' 8 !" 5!)(8'% )8(3 &9))6@ 2834# +98=3 5&!5 8@ =7443'5 ', so we gotta fix her!"
"As random as that sounded, it was accurate. Who... Are you talking to?" asked Lister.
"My friend Rarity. She had a major ac..."
"We heard, she got a concussion, move on," moaned Rimmer.
"See what I mean by the mulelick thing? I don't even like to use that adjective! Anyway, guys, I use my magic to record what's around me and send it to her, for she couldn't come!"
"Interesting," sneered Rimmer. The following flashed on screen:

A:!
B:/
C:=
D:#
E:3
F:$
G:%
H:&
I:8
J:*
K:(
L:)
M:"
N:'
O:9
P:0
Q:1
R:4
S:@
T:5
U:7
V:+
W:2
X:-
Y:6
Z:_
" #9 697 7'#34@5!'# '92 "
"Yes," Twilight responded. "She asked if we understood now."
"I sure don't!" demanded Pinkie.
" 599 /!# "
"She says too bad," Pinkie wandered off.
" 9(!6 903' 5&3 =84=75 /9!4# !'# $8'# 5&3 '!+6 /)73 !'# 5741798@3 2843@ "
"Yes..." Twilight used her magic to remove the control panel cover completely and pull out a gray-dark-blue wire and a sea green one.
" 5!(3 5&3 2&85 3'# 9$ 5&3 5741798@3 9'3 !'# @285=& 85 @9=(35@ 285& 5&3 '!+6 /)73 2&853 @9=(35 "
"Got it," she switched some wires.
" 697 !43 #98'% %99# "
"Thanks."
" '92 *8%%)3 5&3 =84=75 /9!4# !'# 043@@ 5&3 /)73 %433' !'# "!499' /7559'@ "
Twilight shook the inside and pressed some buttons.
"And you are done," said Holly in a normal voice.
"See?" Twilight said to nobody in particular.
"Weird," mumbled Lister and walked in the opposite direction. Twilight's horn stopped glowing and a ball of pink swirled into the air.
"Spiiiiiike!" she called. The small purple scaled dragon rushed up and slapped it with a parchment and set it to fire. A portal opened just long enough for it to teleport.
"What do we do now?" asked Spike. With Shining Armor on the job fixing up the ship's problems a bit, Twilight and some of the others felt useless. She went to the chambers where Applejack was sleeping. She could use some waking.

"Uhh.... Did anypony catch tha number of that Wondehbolt?" she mumbled and rubbed her head.
"You intook a lot of a substance known as brandy. Apparently it made you... Not you," explained Twilight.
"Aah! Ah didn't really drink that, did Ah? Did Ah?"
"You did."
"Aww, crap-apples. What did Ah do ta Pinkie an' th' others?"
"Nothing much."
"Tha's all y'all c'n give me?"
"All I have to give!"
Spike burped up a letter.
"Read it, Spahk?" asked Applejack.
"Aherm.
Dearest Twilight,
I made my way out of the hospital. Time does all but fly, and the doctors mostly clueless. The misinformation given led me to believe I had been there ten days, when I had only been there five! It's day six, tomorrow marks a week!
Well, remember Nurse I? Turns out, she's not bad at all! If you get around the whole o-i thing, as I have over the last days, and we've become great friends, she's a nice mare. I'm going to see about sending my own letters. Without making another unicorn do it. What's the spell, if you don't mind me asking?
Sincerely,
Rarity"
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Ponyville
"Probably send that later," decided Rarity and closed the scroll. "Do you like it?"
The dress was brownish-gray with light green lining, and with a dark red color to match her mane. She liked it very much.
"I di. Wait until my filks hear abiut this!" she said excitedly. "I haven't spiken ti them in ages!"
"Ages? Why?" asked Rarity.
"Well, I was always kind if a sicial iutcast, black sheep thing, yiu kniw? Mainly because if my speech impediment. Nipiny in my family really paid attention ti me, si I git inti a lit if triuble. I nearly git kicked iut if schiil. Ine time, I tried ti get attentiin by giing up ti a cilt I liked, and tried ti hit in him. He tiatally ignired me, si I punched him in the face. Seems rash, liiking back..."
"Wait... You're Ivory Wisp?"
"The ine and inly."
"The in and inlee. That faithful catchphrase. I thought you looked familiar! And nopony else is as talented in writing than you. I should have guessed when you flared your wings! The missing feather! How could I have missed? One of the only three Pegasi in my high and middle school. Aren't many Pegasi in Canterlot at all!"
"I din't remember yiu. Did we ever meet?"
"We didn't have to! You were a legend! You stood up to that as..."
A bell dinged as somepony walked in the store. "Just grabbing a bag I left!"
"..ole, Park Wheel, was it, after all the mares he used. You went down in Fourth District Canterlot High history! Not to mention J. Autumn Middle School. And you were anonymously voted prettiest filly afterwards. I don't know how you're so modest!"
"Well, yiu kniw what they say. If liiks ciuld kill, I'd be a murderer."
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Red Dwarf
"If looks could kill, I'd be a murderer! Oooooowwwwww!" shrieked Cat from down the hall. "Fresh suit, fresh clothes, what an iron can't do, I'd like to know!
"It can't cook eggs," said Pinkie. "Or water a garden. I've tried both."
"Alright, new letter from Rarer Tea," announced Rimmer. "Spook barfed it up in his sleep."
"Rarity, Spike," corrected Twilight. "Now, what's it say?"
"Aherm.
Darling Twilight... Jeez, that's cornier than a can of Del Monte.
I had Nurse I over recently, and, as it turns out, it's actually Ivory Wisp! You went to FDCHS, didn't you? You have to know her. You would have been a softmore, me a senior.
Anyway, I studied your spell and got it down, as you can see. I was wondering... If you could send me the spell to enter that dimension. I... Get lonely with.. Out... You? Forget Del Monte, this woman is sappier than a 2 liter bottle of Log Cabin.
Anyway, she sends her best regards and looks forward to meeting the cat. She didn't capitalize that.
That's it," read Rimmer.
"Hmm... I'll get on that..." decided Twilight.
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???
"hAvE yOu DiStRaCtEd ThE fOoLs AbOaRd ThE sHiP oF rEd?"
"Y .e .s,"
"gOoD. tHe SpY wIlL Be PlAnTeD, cOrReCt?"
"Y .e .s.... I .n_ .f .a .c .t_,,,, .s .h .e_ .i .s_ .h .e .r .e!!!!"
"The plan is giing accirdingly and perfectly..."

End Chapter 4