Dear Princess Celestia,
I've recently encountered a problem among the good folk of Ponyville, one that I've never seen before. Many ponies have gotten it into their heads that the world is going to end on Friday, and that white-coated red-haired alicorn will descend from the skies and obliterate all of existence. Many ponies have built shelters and other means of protection to shield themselves from the coming end of days, and I've had ponies pouring in and out of the library to check out the most ridiculous conspiracy theory nonsense about predictions by everypony from Star Swirl the Bearded to the Antelopes!
It's become so widespread that I've decided to take action! I've started a project that shall be dubbed Information Project 2280 (I'll think of a better name later) and shall present it to the town of Ponyville when it's ready!
This is why I'm writing this letter. I know over your long rule there have probably been other widespread panics like this, but I've found information on them to be painfully scarce. If it's not too much trouble, could you give me some past examples of scares like these to help me on my project?
- Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
You are indeed correct in your assumption that misinformed notions about the end of the world coming to pass being widespread in this fair country from time to time. In fact, this happens almost every sixty years. There was the Dragon Scare, the Sea Pony Conspiracy, and many others. I must admit that it's a little worse this time due to the return of Discord, Nightmare Moon, King Sombra, and the changeling attack, but when the date passes ponies will return to their lives as usual.
However, Twilight, I must warn you that your project might cause more harm than good. In the early years of my rule my sister performed an eclipse as a prank, causing the entire country to think Armageddon was nigh. My attempts to ease their worries only made things worse.
It's only a few weeks until Friday. Just wait until then.
- Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
I'm sorry Princess, but I can't allow this cycle of superstition to continue.
I appreciate your concern, which is why I came to you first. I've already started 2280, and it's actually coming along nicely. The names you gave me to past end-of-the-world scares helped a lot!
Sadly, it also means that I've had to read a lot of these books filled with nonsense as well. Crystal Pen, Bomb Shelter, and Black Wing are the worst of the three. Can you believe that some ponies think you're actually an albino zebra controlled by banking ponies? Ridiculous!
The parahistorical books are hardly any better. Half of them say that ponies were created by aliens, and the other half say that reality doesn't even exist and the only way to escape it is to eat a lot of Poison Joke.
Don't worry Princess, I'll take every precaution to nullify increased fear!
- Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
If I had a bit for every web of conspiracy some ponies put me at the center of!
Twilight, I know how much you care about broadening your own horizons, but that does not mean that every pony desires to as well. Some have to arrive at that conclusion by themselves, and no amount of reasoning or charts will dissuade them from something they heard from their friends or relatives.
I implore you. Cease this project now, as it's only going to be trouble. And when you're done, send a few of those crazy books to me; they're funny.
- Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Sorry that I haven't replied in two weeks! 2280 got stalled and I had to resort to getting loans from other libraries to cover for me!
I had to get a few more of those crazy books as well. 101 Ways to Build a Shelter With Your Bare Hooves, The End of Magic, plus a bunch of other stuff by Black Wing. The basics, really. The more I read these things, the more I hope to understand the mindset of ponies like this, and prepare an even better presentation to Ponyville explaining exactly why their fears are unfounded and they should return to their daily lives!
Trust me, Princess. I know what I'm doing, and I've given Spike explicit orders to terminate the Project if it gets out of hoof. I won't let you down!
- Twilight Sparkle
(P.S. Twilight's been acting weird, Princess. She's got like a whole web of notes on the back wall and keeps talking to herself.)
Dear Princess Celestia,
It's Spike. I told Twilight Sparkle to stop the project like she asked me to, in case it started making her crazy. When she started saying that Equestria is controlled by changeling banksters I had to say something, but she just ignored me!
She's locked herself in her room, and keeps saying that's she's preparing for the apocalypse. Talk some sense into her, Princess!
- Spike
Dear Princess Celestia (if that's even your real name)
I can't believe how blind I've been until now! Just one day until Friday, and all the deception and lies you've built around me for years will be shattered, and ponykind will ascend to a new level of understand and there's nothing you can do to stop it!
Don't try coming over and filling my head with more darkness, I've teleported to a secret bunker where even you can't find me!
Tomorrow will be Friday, and your reign of terror will continue no longer!
- Your Free Student Twilight Sparkle!!!
Dear Princess Celestia,
I, uh, well.
It's Saturday now, and I'm still looking in the dictionary for better words to use for an official apology. In the meantime, please believe that I'm returning all those books and burning Project 2280. I also let Spike out of the closet.
Your Very Sorry Student, Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
You're forgiven, if only because dumb is infectious.
- Princess Celestia