"You are by far the worst wolf I have ever seen" I said in a haughty voice while sticking my nose in the air.
"I mean at least the horses had the decency to be made of flesh and blood but you! Oh no flesh and blood wasn't good enough for you so you decided to be made of wood." The wolf, in his defense, continued to growl and try to circle around me, which I was having none of. He wasn't exactly friendly looking, well unless you could get past the whole foaming at the mouth and growling menacingly at me. But other than that he was a real pal maybe we could go drinking together, oh wait never mind a horse already drank most my booze, well maybe he can go away while I try to wake the hell up.
"Hey here's an idea Wolfie why don't you go that way and I go this way and then you can tell your kids how you didn't get your ass kicked by me." his increase in growling did nothing to comfort me.
"Right so here the deal wolf and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THAT!" I yelled pointing behind him and imagine my surprise when it worked. I bolted back through the trees and basically towards anything that looked like a wolf would have problems getting over. A howl warbled from behind and was quickly echo'd by several other howls.
'So this may be bad' I heard several pairs of feet running behind me and unfortunately gaining.
'Why did I think running from wolves was a good idea? Why am I even worried this is all a drugged up illusions.' This idea did nothing to slow my feet as I moved out of the woods and into a small clearing. A small clearing I didn't recognize cursing what god that was on duty today I ran towards the edge of the clearing and saw
'A fucking cliff!? Dammit all to hell!' I turned and started running a little too close to the edge for comfort however I was somewhat pleased to see a wolf that had pounced towards me had taken a sudden and unfortunate plunge to the bottom of the ravine.
"Sucks to be you!" the snarls right on my heels put a bit of pep in my step as I neared the edge of the clearing and
'Is that a bridge, oh holy frijoles it is' a quick turn and I was in a position to run across the bridge and hopefully loss the wolves, wolves are scared of bridges, right? I quickly made my way across the bridge ignoring the voice in my head that said 'Hey bro you should totally look down right now'. I nearly collapsed once I was on the opposite side, I was apparently not made for running from deadly predators. I looked back and saw the wolves glaring at me from the opposite side of the bridge.
"Ha-ha-gasp what's the matter-gasp afraid of a heights?" as if to spite me the closest wolf took a tentative step onto the bridge
"Oh" I said quietly, I swear the wolf was smirking as he slowly made his way across the bridge.
"Right plan B then" I frantically began to search the ground
"Show me a sharp rock!" I spotted a rock that would do exactly what I need. I scooped the rock up and turned back to the bridge, the wolves were about half way across the bridge now and were whining in anticipation.
'I really don't want to be dinner' I thought as I began cutting away at the rope holding up the bridge with my somewhat pointy rock.
"You dirty son of a wh-"
*SNAP*
"Yes!" the bridge leaned drastically to the side momentarily stalling the wolves, who then proceeded to haul ass towards me.
"Ok rope now would be a really great time to-"
*SNAP*
"I am succes!" a ridiculous grin plastered my face as I lay down still gasping for breath. Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered why the sky looked so.... Dank, I mean there were stars but they were dim and hazy at best. But most of me was still riding the high of escaping the wooden wolves. How many people can say they had done that?
After catching my breath I rolled over on my stomach and picked myself up, to say I was unprepared for what I saw was the understatement of the day.
'Why the in the blue fuck is there a goddamn castle in the middle of the woods?' well castle is an overstatement it's more like a dilapidated castle, or a castle in ruins which ever sounds better, I suppose. So I suppose I could'
A: check out the creepy looking castle
Or
B: spend my night in the woods with wolves.
A howl sounded from behind me
"I have always wanted to explore a castle"
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"This castle has definitely seen better days" I muttered as I moved down a corridor, I saw a large metal door on the right.
I grabbed the handle
"By the power of Ra I command you to open." the door stubbornly refused the power of Ra and stayed locked
"Fine fuck you to door, I'll find a better door that likes me for who I am" continuing door the hall I found a room with a door ajar.
"We have a winner!" I slide inside and jumped for joy when I saw what was inside. A bed, a freaking huge bed and the windows were still intact and there weren't any monstrosities trying to jump me and well it was probably the most normal thing I had seen all day. I moved towards the bed and running jump onto the bed.
*POMF*
A cloud of dust shot up around me, and yet I continued my timeless tradition of not giving a fuck and slowly began my to fall into a deep sleep.
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I woke to the sound of birds, I slowly looked around and saw thick stone walls as well as familiar stained glass windows surrounding me.
"I'm beginning to think this may not be a drug induced haze" Goddamit