My Little Hope: Caring is Magic

by batman0889

Chapter 5 Heart Strings to Play a Violin

Chapter 5 Heart Strings to Play a Violin
I held him tenderly in my hooves as Max slowly went into a peaceful hibernation. I knew that this moment maybe the last I ever see of him. Even though I’ve only known him for 8 days I felt so attached to him. Even though he was only awake for two of them, even though we didn't get to spend much time together, even though I know barely anything about him, I love him.

I whispered softly in his ear, “I love you.” I knew once he was sound asleep I had to give him to the doctor. But I didn’t want to leave him, I didn’t want to let him go, I didn't want him to leave me. I wanted to actually know what it’s like to be a mother. I wanted desperately for all our problems to disappear and to just go home with him in my arms. But I couldn’t let my selfish fantasies get in the way if I wanted to be a mother for Max.
I hand him over to the doctors, handing this small clueless foal over to some doctors felt like the hardest thing to do for me, it felt like I was giving him to some strangers, never the less I handed him over to the doctors, who carefully place him in the bed.

I look at him one last time before the group of ponies take him away. I watch as he gets taken in to the operations room. Once he’s out of my line of vision, I begin to shake silently, letting tears spill down my face freely. I’m worried for him, I wish for him with all of my heart, my Mother used to tell me, if you believe with all your might, it could come true. That’s what I wish for today, I wish for his well-being.
He's just so young, and I don’t want something that has just began life to die. I don’t want someone I loved to die.
Suddenly, I feel a hoof rest on my shoulder. I turn around and see my friend Nurse Redheart standing there, a funny expression on her face. She looks… sad? Worried...? I think she’s worried about me.
“Fluttershy, it’s alright. He’s going to be fine.” She reassures me. I sniffle and blink at her.
“Yes,I-I know. And he’s in good hooves. But I'm just so scared at the thought of him dying.…” I look away and wipe the tears from my eyes.

Nurse Redheart stoops down and stares into my eyes. “Look, Fluttershy, you need to be strong. Not just for Max, but also for yourself. I tell you this from one friend to another. Be strong. Go home, get some rest and come back in the morning.” She pauses, and then gently brushes my wet mane out of my eyes.
“Tsk, tsk. Oh, Fluttershy,” she coos, her tone having changed. “What are we going to do with you? You’ve got to stop hiding behind that mane of yours! C’mon, let’s go.”

She helps me up and walks me to the front of the hospital. When we got to the entrance, Nurse Redheart asks me if I’m okay and if I need any help getting home tonight.
“No, I’m fine to walk home,” I say, needing some time to myself and my thoughts.
She gives me her signature expression of worry, “Are you sure? I could walk you home.”
I sigh. “No, it's fine, really. I just need some time alone.”
“If you say so” I can tell that the nurse is not too convinced, but she carries on anyways. “come back tomorrow morning, and please try not worry about the little feller. He’ll be right here when you get back.” She smiles, resting a comforting hoof on my right wing.

“Yeah” I lower my head to the ground “I hope so.” The thought of Max not making it through the night scared me.
I walk slowly home with my head down. I thought of all the fun I had with my little Max. Like when he had a bath, or when he had the medicine for the first time… I giggled a little at the thought.
Then the haunting thought comes back to me. What if I wasn’t meant to be a mom? What if I’m just not cut out to look after a child? Without warning, I am suddenly thrust back to that day. I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to block out this terrible, terrible memory, but it’s too late; the horror has arrived, and I begin to whimper and shake, having to once again relive the day, the day I lost my child.

The hospital, hearing ponies shouting out, feeling light headed, waking up to see a close friend by your side, worried about you, then having the news broken to you, only leaving you to feel empty where life had once grown. Nothing has destroyed me more than that moment. The pain comes rushing back, sweeping over me in waves, all the sadness, the emptiness, the horrifying realization of what has happened, I can’t have a child of my own. I’m not strong enough to carry one.
When the stallion I once loved came to be there for me the day it happened, he came with panic look on his face and sadness in his eyes, he only got more upset when I told him the terrible news, he came to me, he hugged me tight and told me we’d get through this fog together.

But the worse part was I didn’t feel happy around him anymore, his warm touch only made me feel guilty for losing the foal, we had planned a life together, a family, future, except the one piece of the puzzle now broken everything fell apart, the love for him die along with our child, and things never got any better from there.

For a few days I stayed at the hospital with the loss of my child hurting me every minute I was awake, I was given drugs to keep me from getting depressed, and talks with ponies who try settling my mind. The whole time I was there I felt like they were wasting time. Somehow through all the pain and depression, I managed to become sane.
Finally the day came when I left the hospital to find what the world had left me now, my friend rainbow dash help me out the hospital and walk with me to my home. She tried her best to keep my spirits up, although nothing had seemed to make me happy after what happen.

Coming home to find the one I loved greeting me with open hooves, trying his best to show his love was still there for me, just brought tears to my eyes. I breaking away from his hug, I told him I want to be alone for a while, he agrees and I went upstairs to lie down.
I opened the door to see our foal's crib, right next to our bed, waiting for a child that was never going to happen. Seeing it made the whole thing come back to me and I soon found myself on the floor, crying and screaming, gasping to find air.
I lay on the floor for a long time, wailing and shaking. At some point I rolled over and saw Rainbow Dash standing in the doorway, she must've been let in by my boyfriend, she had tears streaming down her face which were dripping onto the floor. I don't know how long she'd been standing there, but she walked over to me without a word and lay down next to me on the floor. She pulls me into a hug and we both laid there for a long time, with silent tears wetting our manes and making our eyes red and puffy. But that didn't matter then. Nothing mattered then. My brain was in a jumble, and I couldn't organize my thoughts. All I knew was that my baby was gone. But Rainbow was there and I was eternally grateful.

I trudge through the thick snow that has built up on the path to my house. As I walk by, I glimpse a couple drinking hot cocoa on this late night and laughing. I notice that the mare is pregnant.
Will I ever get to have that? I think. All I have ever wanted was to be able to have that kind of relationship.. Mother, child… happy family. Up to now, my animals have tried to fill this gaping void on my life, but now Max has come into my life. And he has changed everything. He has reopened that void. He has torn apart the stitches that held these old wounds together; the scars that cannot ever be fully healed.

I walk away from the couple. I don’t want to hear their laughter! I don’t want to see the happiness they share; the joy, the celebration of new life. I hate them for it! And I hate myself because of this…
I begin to trot, trying to escape their laughter, but it begins to get louder and louder. I break on to a run, frantically racing for my cottage, blinded by my own tears mixing with the falling snow.

I burst into my cottage, and immediately collapse on the floor, sobbing.
“Why? Why?! WHY?!” I shout as loud as I can, filling the whole cottage with my voice. My shrill rage is met by complete silence, only highlighting the fact that I am all on my own in this terribly empty cottage.
“It’s all my fault he’s in hospital. If only I had waited a little longer to show him to my friends. I bought a poor little thing like Max to my friends and they hurt him. I’m a terrible pony.” I stand up, no longer sobbing, but instead with anger in my eyes. I don’t know if I am angry at myself or at my friends, but I am angry.

I walk over to my table, and see the things lying there. The muffins. The clothes. Mr. Button Brown. I’ve planned a new life to raise a child and already it’s about to end because of my foolishness. I pick up Mr. Button Brown and hug him tight, wishing it was really max I was holding in my arms, not a soft toy plush.
“How did he even get a piece of metal in his head?” I ask myself, I wonder if I would ever get an answer to that question.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I walk over to the door slowly, not in the mood to see anypony. I open the door and, to my surprise, it was my five friends.

Twilight stands in the middle. Her face in authentic melancholy. “Fluttershy Are you and Max okay? We came by earlier and you weren’t here.” She says, her concern blatantly obvious in her and her voice.
“No,” I pause, and wipe my eyes, I don’t want them to see I have been crying, “I’m not alright. I went to the hospital with Max. He had an X-ray and they-they found a sharp piece of metal lodged in his brain.” I sniffed, my eyes are welling with tears again. I tried not to meet their eyes.
“And-an-and he’s gone in for a-an operation an-and he-he’s only got a 10% chance of surviving.” I find myself breaking down into tears despite my best attempts to stay strong.
The second my sentence is out of my mouth Rainbow Dash and Rarity rush over to my side. Dash grabs me and pulls me into a bear hug, allowing me to hide my face in her shoulders. Rarity joins in on the hug from the side, her eyes red and watery. Applejack and Pinkie Pie come over next, both not knowing quite how to react.

Twilight stands in my doorway for a moment with shock written all over her face, before she tentatively walks over. There is a long moment of silence with only Rarity's occasional sniffs. I let the tears flow onto Rainbow's shoulder, and she just hugs me harder when she feels my body start to shake. Pinkie Pie and Applejack don't have any room to be in the hug, but they still do their best by patting my back and stroking my mane.

Rarity breaks the silence. “Fluttershy dear, it’s going to be alright.”
“No!” I push everypony away. Their faces show shock and hurt, but I don't care. “He’s not going to be alright! He’s in the hospital right now having an operation with only a 10% chance of surviving it! How are things ever going to be alright?! He could end up dying, How…How…” I pant, the rage draining from my body. The gravity of my yelling soon came to me and I whimper.
Rarity gives me another hug from the front, just her and me this time. “Stop that right now, Fluttershy, what sort of mother thinks like that, giving up before the fight is over? If you talk like that, why what sort of mother...” She trails off, letting everypony draw their own conclusions.
“Don’t you worry, he’ll be flying around the place before you know It.” says Rainbow. I can see how worried she is about me. She’s the only one who when through it all with me.

Applejack breaks in with pure kind-heartedness on her face. “We’re all going to stay here with ya tonight.”
“Oh, you don’t have t-to do that,” I say, still fighting a battle with sobs.
“No, no. We have promised ourselves that we will always be there for our friends in their hour of greatest need” Says Rarity.
“B-but what about Sweetie Belle?” I protest feebly, but I know that her mind is already made up.
“All taken care of, we dropped her off at Sweet Apple Acres, and she’s havin’ a sleepover with Apple Bloom and Scootaloo” says Applejack.

“a-and Spike, what about him?” I say, desperate for an excuse for them to leave.
Twilight sighs and joins the conversation at last. “Don’t worry about Spike. He’ll be alright on his own, it’ll give him more time to nap.” She says briskly.
“Thank you, girls.” Now that I knew I wasn't going to be all alone in my cottage tonight, the weight on my shoulders didn't seem nearly as bad.
“It’s really dark in here. Are there bats in here?” Asked Pinkie Pie. She looked over at Applejack. The farm pony was giving Pinkie a well-known look. “What?” Pinkie asked in defence, even though she knew that this was not the time or place for her random outbursts.

I turn the hallway light on and went upstairs to get pillows and blankets as it was going to be a night down stairs. With the blankets and pillows distributed, everypony picked a spot to lie down.
Applejack curled up on the floor. Pinkie was dozing against the wall upside down; she was always doing the most normal things weird. Twilight slept with body her against the couch. I slept in the middle of the couch, nestled between Rarity and Rainbow Dash.
“G’nite everyone,” I yawned.
“Nighty-night,” They all chorused back.
After a few minutes of silence, Rainbow Dash whispered in my ear, “Don’t worry. Everything is going to be okay. I bet my wings on it.”
Long after everypony fell asleep, I still lay on the couch, thinking about what she said. “I bet my wings on it.” Rainbow only said that in honest-to-Celestia serious situations. She'd literally give up her wings if it came to it. She was serious, and I hope she's right. I stare out the window to see that the snow ceased falling. Hope. That's all I have to hold onto right now. All I can do is hope with all my heart. I look into the night sky and seeing all of the beautiful twinkling stars.
“Goodnight, my little Hope.” I whisper, before drifting into sleep.


As the doctors were doing their best to save max’s life, deep within the small foal’s mind he was in the snow and everything around him was white. He felt cold and alone in this lifeless place.
“Wooo, I’m in this place again huh, it’s really change since the last time I was here.”

“So what do you think?” said a mystery voice from behind, max suddenly felt a chill go down his spine, was it that white pony from his dream, he could already feel his legs ready to run, but he couldn’t help looking behind.
Max turned around slowly to see a pure black pony facing him. She was tall, her mane and ponytail was black and her Cutie Mark was a white spot. Seeing it wasn’t the white pony from last time, he decides she wasn’t a threat to him.
“Think about what” he asked her.

“This place, it’s very peaceful don’t you think.” the pony seem quite calm and relax like she was happy when she spoke , almost in a disturbing sort of way that made max feel scared, making him question himself if he really was sane if his mind could create such bizarre characters.

“Yeah it’s nice I guess, I mean in all honesty I find it weird how I can only feel countable enough to talk in this place, but then I did meet a pink pony named pinkie pie, so I guess not everything is impossible.”
“You’re not actually talking max, what you’re saying right now is from your mind and not your mouth.”
Max hesitated for a second trying to understand if what she said made sense, “well that maybe so but what is this place I’m in, where am I?”

“This is what you may call the opening of life or a home for you. You’ve met me before or at least part of me.”
“No we haven’t met before” max didn’t know a single thing about this pony, nothing about this pony seem familiar at all.
“Yes, the white pony in your dream me.”

“Wait that was YOU! You were the white pony trying to kill me.”
“No that’s was part of me ying, I’m yang.”

“I’m confuses your saying we’d met before but you say that it was ying who tried to kill me, what’s going on.
“Well you see we are Ying and Yang, good and bad, light and dark, we are always one person and we are the nature balance. You can’t have one of us without the other or the world is out balance. We have many names and many forms, I have no real name so you may call me yang, I like the name yang, it has a nice ring to it.”

“So what do you have to do with me, why did you try to kill me?” max asked, max wish he could of just dreamt of normal dreams, like adventure in a magic forest, exploring an empty cave with a cybernetic mare as your companion, or a world of chocolates and sweets, not asking a pony why she tried to kill him in his last dream. Something told max that nopony would dream of this, making him feel all the stranger.

“All truth will come when time is right, except if you die now you will never know the truth.”
“So then tell me now!, I want to know in case I die” max felt he should at least know in case his didn’t make it.
“I can’t, only when time is just right” she stop dead centre with a look that told max, she wasn’t going to speak a word of it.
“When is the time right, how long?”

“The time happens when time come” she spoke in a humours way, which max felt right now wasn’t the time for riddles.
“Why am I so cold then?”

“Your life is hanging on the balance, if you don’t take control soon, it’s all over.”
“So what can I do, I don’t want to die.”
“You need to focus your energy” she said as her body began to faded, and pretty soon max could see through her.
“Wait don’t go, not yet, I still have a lot of questions to ask you” max shouted to her.

“Farewell may we meet in again in better circumstances next time” and with that she was gone, the words she spoke still keep going.

“Focus your energy, focus your energy, focus your energy” it kept repeating itself.
“Focus my energy? But how do I do that?”

Max looked around, no one was there, he was surrounded by an empty white land, Max sat down on the cold white ground, laid his head down, close his eyes, and concentrated hard.

“I hope I’ll get to see you again fluttershy, when I wake up........if I wake up.”