Discord sat back on his bean-bag chair with a bag of popcorn, watching the whole scene unfold from a nearby cloud. Things were going pretty well for him at the moment.
"This is getting (crunch) interesting. I wonder how long they can survive. (munch) They have no idea how close they are to the princess. Maybe I'll tell them right before the end, just to see the look on their faces. (crunchity-bloody-munch) Hahahahaha-huauugh ack!" He choked. He snapped his talon and started chugging the soda that appeared. His eyes bulged and spat it out. Leering at the can, he threw it away and cursed at it. "Bleah! Diet Pepsi? What was I thinking?"
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"So, is it gone?" Derpy asked from her position behind the shed. It was a decent question. "Grumpy" as she had taken to calling it, had been pretty quiet for about the past half hour. I peeked out from behind the wall and saw her lying in front of where we came in watching.
"Nope, still there. she hasn't lost interest yet. Well it seems like the perfect time to see what those contributions the others made were." I answered and started rummaging in my pockets. Twilight scooted over and started taking inventory as I pulled out everything that had been given to us. First up, there was a generous length of sturdy rope with a tag showing three apples on it. Twilight said it was from Applejack. Next was a first-aid kit with three butterflies. I recalled seeing that on the little yellow one named Fluttershy. That would really come in handy, considering what was waiting for us. Then I found a small bag with about five little bottles in it. When we held them up to the light the shown with a rainbow of colors. Derpy laughed.
"Three guesses who sent that." she said. A small piece of paper in the bag labeled them as something called "Bottled Rainboom". Rainboom? What in the world? Twilight turned a bottle in her hand.
"I've heard of this. It acts similar to nitro-glycerin. I'm surprised she put in here unprotected like that. *sigh* I wonder about her sometimes." she groaned. I dove back into the pocket. I sure didn't expect the next couple of items.
"Let's see, HOLY CRAP! A Cannon!" I think I scared Twilight, Derpy and Grumpy. "Oh, and a box of cupcakes."
"What!?" Derpy and Twilight shouted in near unison. Twilight came out of shock first. "Pinkie sent her party cannon?" A party what now?
"What's a party cannon?" I asked her. If it was anything like my grandpa's old crow gun...
"It's a compressed air cannon. She uses it to launch confetti, balloons, cakes, all sorts of things. She never leaves home without it. Never." Twilight looked nervous for a second. "She, uh, she's not in there too is she?" Hmmm... I had an idea. I stuck my hand in the opening. This really wasn't the time or place, but, I just couldn't help myself.
"AHHHHHH! SHE'S GOT ME! SHE'S GOT ME!" I yelled and shoved my arm in up to the shoulder. Twi and Derpy jumped. I pulled my arm almost all of the way out and stopped at the wrist and hid my hand in my sleeve and squeezed my eyes shut. "AAAAAHHHHH! She ate my hand! I-" I looked up and saw two angry glares aimed at me.
"You done yet?" Derpy asked.
".....Yeah, I'm done. You can't blame a guy for trying. Ah-hehhehheh." Derpy's eyes took on a wicked gleam.
"No, but I can do this!" She said and hit me in the face with a cupcake. That wall-eyed blonde wasn't getting away with this!
"ENOUGH!"
The two of us stopped in mid-throw and looked at the angry librarian. "Do we really have time to screw around?" She asked with a raised eyebrow. I smelled burning hair. "We need to come up with a plan already!"
"Yeah, I know. I came up with one a while ago, and if you and Ms. Hooves here hadn't been playing around, I could have started on it by now. I should really hire a babysitter for you two." I told her. The two of them just stood dumbstruck.
"You-you-you smartflank! That's not something to joke about!" Twilight stammered. Derpy dittoed the statement.
"That's funny and you know it, that's funny and you know it." I sang and danced around the two. Twilight grabbed me and held me against a tree. Girl's pretty strong.
"Anthony, do you even have a plan?" She growled. Strong, and scary.
"Actually, yeah. The rope gave me the idea." She let me go. "You two saw how tall it was right?" They nodded. "Well, as tall as it is and as heavy as it is, the weak point should be the legs. If we take those out, it should be easy enough to finish it off." I finished and started putting the stuff back in my pockets.
"Finish it off? You mean kill Grumpy?" Derpy asked in surprise. What did she think I meant?
"*sigh* As much as I hate to do it, yes. I mean to kill it. If we don't, Grumpy will just keep hunting and eating the people around here. I don't have much choice." I explained to her. Truth was I really didn't want to kill the creature, but my family and friends and the other people in this town. "So here's the details; Derpy, you're the fastest. You run out and get her attention then hide. I'll come out and lure her towards the woods and trip her with the rope. It'll be anchored to a tree, so it should hold. Twilight then comes out and ties Grumpy's ankles so it can't get up if her legs don't break. I'll come in and put her down." I looked at the two. "Any questions?" Derpy raised her hand. I made a big show of looking around. "Yes. You, the cute blonde in front." I said, pointing at her. She blushed and asked.
"What makes you so sure it's a girl again?"
"Any questions relevant to survival?" I clarified. She put her hand down. A warm, tingly sensation spread across my body. I looked at my friends and saw that Twilight's spell had worn off. I could've sworn she'd used the longer lasting one.
"This should make things interesting." I muttered to myself. I might have to change my plan a little. Who knows, this might even be easier.
"Um, girls, I.. Girls? Why are you looking at me like that? You look like you just saw Discord." I said in genuine confusion. They both sat there staring at me, wide eyed and slack jawed. Wait. Not at me, behind me. "Grumpy's right behind me isn't she?" I asked half-heartedly. I turned around and looked up. An open maw and dozens of teeth like steak knives grinned back. It seems our friend had found a way in. She lurched forward and picked me up in her jaws. "Twi, Derps, remember the plan?" The two nodded. "Good. Just two small extra steps. First, forget all that. Second, HAUL ASS!" I yelled right before Grumpy swallowed me whole.
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The Spirit of Chaos did a picture perfect spit-take. He blinked at my sudden departure in disbelief.
"It ate him. Whole. One big gulp. WAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" He laughed maniacally and wiped away a tear. A light-bulb went on over his head. He snapped his claw and popped into an office with a large desk. He turned on the lamp on the desk and pulled out the old contract that Anthony had signed. Putting on an old pair of spectales he started reading over it.
"Ah, now let me see. Hmm. Mmhmm. Mmhmm. Blah- blah-blah. Both parties bound.... Aha! If one party dies it is considered a forfeit. The remaining party wins by default. I knew it! That means I win! AWWWWWW YEEEAAAAHHHH!" He shouted and did a little victory dance. Then he ripped up the contract and started throwing it around like confetti. "I'm a happy bastard/ I'm real happy. I'm-.. Huh I should really work on that one." He mused to himself "Now to take my throne! First, I'll take over Equestria." He looked in surprise at the door it flew open to reveal the old preacher. The two stared at each other for a second before Discord vanished. The preacher shook his head.
"Maybe I really do need that vacation."
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I could feel the thudding of her footsteps and hear the muffled screams of the girls as she gave chase. You know, it's funny. In cartoons whenever somebody gets swallowed by a monster the stomach is usually this big, open round thing. Yeah, not so much in reality. There was barely enough room to move, let alone walk around. Oh, and the smell was horrible! It was somewhere between rotten flesh and used diapers. I had to think fast because I was running out of air. Air? Air! That's the ticket! Pinkie's cannon used compressed air. If I combined that with the bottled rainboom...
"One of us is going out with a bang!" I said to myself. It was a tight squeeze, but I managed to pull out the celebratory ordinance and loaded the bottles in to it. All of them. No sense in taking chances. Crap! My phone fell in the cannon! I felt Grumpy take a deep breath and bellow loudly. Gotta hurry!
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Derpy and Twilight were petrified. Their friend had just become this thing's dinner and now it wanted dessert. Twilight ran and Derpy took to the air. The pegasus began circling Grumpy's head trying to confuse her while Twilight got away.
"Luna dammit! Why won't this thing follow me? This ought to get her attention!" She thought to herself. Racing right at its face, she turned one hundred and eighty degrees at the last second and slammed her hooves into its nose. Grumpy stopped in her tracks and blinked before blasting the pegasus with a sneeze that sent her tumbling away through the air. When she finally righted herself she met the eyes of an angry dino.
"Oh horse-apples."
Twilight, after getting her wits back, had modified Anthony's plan a little. While Derpy distracted Grumpy, she tied the rope between some trees. She tied it off and made sure it was secure, she waved frantically to get the blonde pegasus's attention. Derpy waved back and smiled. Twilight facehoofed.
"No, no, no! Ugh, lead it this way!" She yelled. Derpy seemed to get the idea and drew the beast toward her friend. It chased Derpy like a thing possessed and her feet caught the trap and down she went. Grumpy's knees hit first and she rolled to the side a little bit. The creature's head landed on a conveniently located boulder with a sickening splitting noise. A small pool of blood formed as its breathing eventually stopped.
"Is it dead?" Derpy asked and poked it with a stick. she got no response.
"Yes, but, it ate him. ATE HIM! What do we do now?" She asked nopony in particular. Neither one of them noticed the belly of the beast inflating like a balloon. She looked at Derpy. "Do you hear music?"
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I was about to pull the cord on the cannon when she suddenly lurched forward and landed with a bone jarring impact. It was enough to activate the cannon and my phone for some reason. Heh, showtime!
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BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!
The stomach burst like a paper bag, expelling a blast of confetti, music, gore and a bewildered unicorn leaving a rainbow trail in his wake as he flew over the tree tops. Derpy turned to Twilight.
"Well, I wasn't expecting that."