//------------------------------// // Chapter Two Part Five // Story: Migraines // by SwiperTheFox //------------------------------// “Alright!” shouted the conductor pony as he flopped out of the train onto the platform, “Here we go! Here we are! Could you all step right out of the doors— single file— please!” He waved a hoof around at the crowd filtering out. “Thank you very much and I hope you all have a great time in Ponyville!” Raspberry stepped off and migrated out of the mass of ponies towards a bench. He felt a chill of nervousness flowing up his back as he looked upon the city for the first time. Everything looked beautiful to him. A massive fountain surrounded by ornate white marble blasted streams of water into the air. Around it laid dozens of buildings in a variety of bright colors. The shops seemed to almost glow from happiness, which nary a spot of dirt or dust or anything else on them. “It’s so, so, fake,” he grumbled to himself, “What’s with this rainbow pastel mask, Ponyville?” What secrets are you hiding? He started thinking of the main street inside Walt Disney World. He pictured in his mind’s eye walking around the theme park as a kid. That was way back when I could pick them up and hold them in my arms and everything… Raspberry plopped himself on the bench. “I know you Coltsville ponies are going to love the small town atmosphere, and have lots of fun,” the conductor said, and he grinned, “And now, we’re off.” “Yeah, yeah,” Raspberry whispered, “A small town… where you can’t so much as double-park without someone telling your Aunt to nag you about it later…” He looked up at the blue sky. Okay, no more distractions... I have two leads. Not much to go on, but they’re still leads. Another pony got on the bench besides him, and he paid no attention. Well, I can either head straight for the forest or… No, wait. That would be incredibly stupid. I’ll just ask around. Someone has got to know this ‘Tiara’ character. Someone would… But then what the hell would I do then? Just walk up and say, ‘Hey, do you have a super-powered gem and may I borrow it?’ Do I friggin’ steal it? In the first place, he’ll probably think I’m loony just for asking… “Excuse me?” asked the pony besides him. Raspberry turned around and eyed her. The unicorn had a flowing mane and large tail— each with a greyish stripe over a dark blue stripe. Her body had a shimmering sky blue color that complimented her big blue eyes. She had an expression of pure wonder in her happy, pretty face. “Yes,” Raspberry said as he looked over at her cutie mark. Ooooh… a time symbol... She looks pretty familiar… But where and why would I have seen that time symbol before? “It’s just that,” she began, and she delicately touched his suit with her left hoof, “I’ve only ever seen in my entire life one other pony — and I do mean my entire life— sit like this. It’s like, so, you stick out your bottom hooves down towards the ground? But your body is still resting on the bench, while you stand up straight kind of?” She shifted around. “And your right hoof is curled over the side of the bench behind you… while your left hoof is on your chest? So… unusual.” Raspberry fantasized pulling out a knife and skinning part of his arm Terminator-style as she watched in terror and then waving his hidden human muscles complete with fingers at her. He dreamed of her screaming so uncontrollably that she passed out. “Well,” he said, “I’m not really… like other colts.” “Lyra,” the unicorn said, having a light-bulb moment, “That’s her name. She always sits like that. I know she gets teased about it, and that’s not right but… Still, I don’t know. It is unusual, isn’t it? Really different, right? You just get here from Coltsville?” “Eeeeeeeyup,” Raspberry replied. Damn, I probably need to tone down the humanity or else I’ll be spotted pretty quick! And I’m in the ‘group of six’ central anyways, like Rarity said. I’ll need to keep a really low profile. Maybe some new clothes or something? “My name’s Colgate, by the way,” the unicorn said. Raspberry burned into his mind how Colgate sat on the bench— lying with her whole body on the middle of it just as a miniature horse on a farm would. “So, I suppose you’ll be staying here for a few days?” “Raspberry,” he replied, and they tapped hooves for a moment. She smiled again. “And, yes, I think I might be here for a few days, although I don’t want to leave Coltsville for too long.” “And you’ve got these, these,” she went on as she leaned over at him, looking as if she wanted to touch him all over but strained to be polite, “These… clothes that fit on your lower body besides your bottom hooves… It all looks so, so, snug.” “Pants?” Raspberry asked. “Pants!” she declared, and she seemed to almost want to squeal, “They’re so adorable. If either Lyra or Bon Bon saw you they’d totally flip their lids, I know it.” “Uh… good to know…” he said, and he shifted himself onto the ground. He felt pretty uncomfortable being gawked at like a museum piece, and he also didn’t want to bring in any more suspicion. “I hope you love it here,” Colgate said, waving, “It’s a beautiful city. And if you ever see Lyra, tell her I said ‘hi’ and tell her where you bought those pants. Seriously.” “Why, sure,” he began, and he suddenly dropped back onto the ground as his umbrella jumped on him. It pointed over at Colgate and tugged at his suit. “Yes, yes, yes, of course.” The umbrella made a soft ‘meep’. “Oh, for goodness sake, you didn’t think I’d leave you at the damn train station like an ex-girlfriend, did you?” “That…” Colgate muttered, her eyes inflating to the size of dinner plates, “That is… is…” “That’s just my, uh,” Raspberry said, “My, uh, umbrella.” Dumbass! Can’t you think of some kind of explanation or something! At least carry it in your mouth like a normal frigging pony or something, instead of having it bounce along next to you like frigging Jar-Jar! Remember— STAY LOW! “It… it… WALKS? And it… TALKS?” she asked, giggling and bouncing up and down, “Oh… my… GOSH! That’s so cute! C-u-t-e!” “No it doesn’t,” Raspberry said, “It doesn’t walk or talk or anything. That’s just, uh… the sun playing tricks with our eyes.” He seized the umbrella in his mouth. “You, you are such a kidder,” Colgate replied with a laugh, “Oh, I am sooooooo telling Pinkie you’re here. She’ll get a real kick out of you. Probably throw a welcoming party, too.” She trotted out of the platform, occasionally waving back at him. “Bye, Raspberry!” “Well,” Raspberry said to himself, “That’s just… GREAT! Just frigging… GREAT! I’m here to frigging steal something under Celestia’s nose and now they’re giving me a frigging welcoming party!” The umbrella had slinked down his side into a side pocket, where it fit pretty well and clutched against his body. Raspberry looked over as it made a little humming sound. “Oh, I’m not mad at YOU. Chill, seriously.” Raspberry stepped off into the Ponyville shopping center. He glanced around, feeling totally overwhelmed at the bevy of multicolored ponies. I just need to ask someone. I just need to find the right horse for the job. He surveyed the storefronts and spotted a gray pegasus shoving a package into a mailbox. A-ha! She’ll lead me right to the post office, and I’ll be sure to be able to look up stuff there. He walked over, but as soon as he made it the pegasus had disappeared. He spun in a circle without noticing a thing. Well, that was… weird… He began to take a seat on the bench beside him. “Okay then, let’s give it the ol’ college try,” he said to himself. He backed his rear up into the bench. He twisted his back hooves around and tried to nestle them upwards. He bent his side to the right. He then hurled his body upwards with a loud ‘oof’. For a split second, he seemed to have positioned his whole body flat on top of the bench. It promptly tipped over. Raspberry shot a hoof out of a mass of bushes and moaned— feeling leaves slinking through every part of his body. He suddenly burst his whole body straight up with his front hooves out in the air. “SON OF A BIIIIITCH!” he yelled. He opened his eyes again. He saw that few ponies had stopped walking and now started right at him. He blushed and stepped back over to the mailbox. “Bitch?” said a soft squeaky voice next to him. He looked down at a young foal with a bright yellow coat and a tuft of dark yellow hair like a Mohawk. She had an unhappy expression. She seemed to peer into his soul with those huge eyes and those fluttering, tiny wings. “Uhhhh, no,” he said, leaning over, “That’s a…” He lowered his voice. “That’s one of those evil human words. You horses have no need for it. Uhhh…” She moved to more of a flat expression, and she asked, “But, why?” “Just, just use one of those Captain Haddock ‘big word’ swear substitutes. Like…” He said, and then he twisted from side to side in a bit of a dance. “Like: Gyroscope! Prestidigitation! Barnacles! Submersions! Bio-luminescence!” The foal chuckled and smiled. “Wonderment! Substantiation! Concatenation!” The foal seemed to give him a mini-salute, and then she trotted away. Raspberry made a satisfied sigh. “Oh, he’s PERFECT!” another filly remarked from behind his back. “For… what?” Raspberry asked. “No wait, don’t move!” said another filly’s voice. “All those leaves on him… great! Now, ready, aim…” “AIM?” Raspberry called out, although he remained still. “FIRE!” yelled the original filly. *Splat* Something whacked the mailbox besides him. Something else took out a clump of leaves in his hair beside his right ear. Raspberry let out a little squeal and then he twirled around. Three little foals sat on the ground in front of him. One of them had a white body with a fluffy purple and pink striped mane, and her horn glowed faintly. Another had a yellow body with a large red bow to match her red mane. The third one had an orange body with budding wings and a reddish purple mane. All of them had deeply determined expressions on their faces and some kind of pointy wooden contraption in their front hooves. They reminded Raspberry of crossbows. “Hold still, will ya!” shouted the orange pegasus. The three of them fired at him again. Little white things flew through the air. Leaves bounced off Raspberry’s right side. “Hold it! Hold it! Stop, stop, STOP!” Raspberry called out. He threw himself down and popped open the umbrella in front of him as a shield. “What on earth is going on here?” “Crusaders, cease fire,” commanded the yellow pony. Raspberry peeked over the edge of the umbrella. “Hey mister, there’s nothing to be afraid of,” the pegasus said, and her voice seemed to lay on the sweetness, “We’re just doing this little experiment, and thanks for your help.” “You’re welcome,” Raspberry replied as he shut the umbrella slowly. The yellow pony began, “Besides, they’re just—” *Thwack* She accidentally nudged her device and it hurled a small white thing straight into Raspberry’s mouth. The colt blinked, and then he stretched his lips over it. He chewed. “Marshmellows!” the three fillies cheered in unison. “Well, that was, interesting,” Raspberry said flatly. The pegasus waved a hoof in the air and then began, “It’s just that we knew that we’ve tried outside stuff all of the time and like there’s not much we haven’t already done but then we seriously thought that maybe some kind of lawn or shrubbery or other stuff might be the ticket but then we didn’t want to sit around and do like this boring clipping and trimming and other stuff—” “Booooooring!” the yellow pony remarked. The pegasus went on, “So then I thought that maybe we could be like Cutie Mark Crusader Lawn Care Providers if only we had some special help and so we had these wooden things from Twilight and it was just a few easy modifications using the books that we had Twist go and get—” “And you all are?” Raspberry asked, not wanting to hear much more of that. The fillies let out a little collective squeal. They turned around and huddled for a second. They whispered ‘new intro, new intro’ to each other, and then they smacked hooves. They turned back around. They all jumped into the air and kicked forwards before landing in some kind of pyramid, reminding Raspberry of Charlie’s Angels. “We are— the Cutie Mark Crusaders!” they shouted. “Apple Bloom!” said the yellow one. “Sweetie Belle!” said the white one. “Scootaloo!” said the orange one. “Alright, the ‘new intro’ worked,” said Sweetie Belle with a big smile, “For ooooooonn—” She slipped over to the side and then the whole pyramid crashed back onto the ground. “Would you mind telling me where you got military style weapons?” Raspberry asked. His tone of voice began as a parental scolding and then switched to genuine curiosity. “Uhhhhhh,” Sweetie Bell began, looking as if she had made an alibi but couldn’t remember, “We didn’t really ‘get’ it from anypony.” “Like these longish wooden parts came from Twilight,” Scootaloo said, preparing to run her mouth again, “And she said that they were these things that were spring-loaded and shut up and then bounced out so that they could hold big, heavy cameras but then Apple Bloom thought that they might work to shoot out something from the springy-bits. And then we started playing with them and thought that we might be Cutie Mark Crusader Hobbyist ponies but then Twilight caught us but we only told her we wanted to maybe help film—” “Twilight let us borrow them completely,” Apple Bloom interrupted, hopping in the air with joy. “Ah, yes, that smarmy purple dipstick,” Raspberry remarked. “Oooh, ‘smarmy purple dipstick’, I’ll be sure to use that,” Apple Bloom said, making a devious smile as she tapped the sides of her friends. “So, wait, what exactly makes you think you can just shoot ponies at random right in the middle of the street?” asked Raspberry, glaring at them. “That’s a very good question,” Scootaloo said, “And the answer to that is—” She flung her hoof over. “OH MY GOSH WHAT IS HAPPENING OVER THERE!” “Oh, ‘sure’,” Raspberry sarcastically remarked, “You just expect me to fall for that?” He glanced over behind him and pointed over with his right hoof. “When ‘obviously’ there’s nothing there. Like you think I’m that—” He blinked, seeing nothing when he turned back over except an empty street. “Stupid,” he finished. “Oh, really, seriously,” muttered a voice somewhere over to his right. Raspberry spotted the gray pegasus again standing aside a florist’s shop. She grew more and more frustrated as the mailbox refused to open. “Open sesame!” she shouted. She batted the side of it like a cat with a ball of yarn. Raspberry walked over. He murmured something pointless as he tried to think. He had a good view of her for the first time, and he realized that something seemed seriously off with her face. Her eyes jerked about in separate directions. Yet he felt surprised at himself for how cute she looked to him. Keep it together… seriously… He tapped his head with his hooves and then headed closer. He flinched as the pegasus grew so angry that she clutched the side of the mailbox door with her teeth. She slobbered across the side with her long tongue. “Excuse me?” he asked. She fluttered her wings in a ‘just one second’ message. She twisted her head and gnawed on the other side of the mailbox door— flopping her tongue all the while. She took a step back. She then thrust a hoof right at the door in something like a karate chop. “Success!” she yelled, and she clutched a packet of letters from her bag. She hesitated and then leaned over while making a pained expression. “So, I was wondering,” Raspberry began. “What was,” the pegasus interrupted, and she couldn’t help sticking her tongue out again, “The last thing you ate?” “Umm, they had some really nice cupcakes on the train,” he said. “Magnifique!” she replied, and she stepped closer. He went on, “With white chocola—” The pegasus reached over and kissed him. Their face smacked together lips to lips, and his mind went blank. In just a split second, it was over. “Uh, thanks,” he said, feeling an odd combination of pleasure and regret at the gritty, dark taste that been licked into mouth, “And I didn’t even have to take you out to dinner first.” “Thank you,” she said, “You’d think I’d be used to that taste by now, but… Blaaaaaaaarrrgggghhh…” “So, I need to ask you something,” he said. She bobbed with excitement. He gazed at her. Dammit, dammit… I shouldn’t find cross-eyes cute and charming… or maybe it’s just her winning personality… “Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Oh, yay! Yay!” she cried, cracking a gigantic smile, “I’d never thought I’d get an opportunity to use this!” She dug into her pack and somehow pulled out a bright white bowler hat. “And now…” She placed it triumphantly onto her head like a crown. “What would you ask like to ‘Official Canterlot Information Officer Derpy Hooves’?” She made a satisfied expression with a suggestive wink. What have I gotten myself into? He began, “I’m looking for—” “Seriously,” she said in suddenly solemn expression, and she leaned over while touching his suit, “I always knew that mail carriers get to serve as ‘Information Officers’. Here, there, and everywhere.” She pointed around in all directions with her hooves and made a knot of them. “And I begged and begged them all, but the Mayor just didn’t think anypony would ask me to inform them on anything. Me. Like there’s something wrong with me!” “That’s horrible,” Raspberry replied. He wasn’t sure if he felt genuine empathy or was just humoring her. “So thanks for asking,” she said, smiling again, “Mister… mister…” “Raspberry Star,” he said while sticking out a hoof. “Derpy Hooves,” she replied, and she bumped his hoof with her nose, “From la concierge dans la cour…” She bounced a bit from side to side. “From l'agent de police au Carrefour… Hallo Bonjour Salut!” “Right, sure,” he said, “Now I need to speak to two different ponies about this special thing I’m trying to find. The first one is named Tiara, and she comes from a family that used to live over in Coltsville.” “Tiara, Tiara, Tiara…” she repeated. He could almost literally see the wheels turning in her head as her slinky eyes rolled left and right. “Nope, I’m sorry. I can’t recall anypony with that name.” “Drat,” he muttered, letting his head down. “But then, silly, I don’t remember anypony’s name,” she said, closing her eyes and fluttering her wings. Raspberry shot back up and gave her a blank stare. She went on, “Ne jamais avoir, my purple associate. I haven’t been very good in that kind of stuff, ever since I took the midnight ship to Canterlot here from… wait…” She jiggled her head. “I mean, the afternoon train from Hoofington to here in Coltsville— oh Ponyville, Ponyville. That’s right.” “Maybe I should go somewhere else,” Raspberry muttered. “That’s why, Miss Blackberry,” she said, closing her eyes, “I always rely on the tried and true ‘snowflake’ method for memory retention as specified by…” She paused, reached down into another bag, and then pulled out some kind of post-it note. “Ronald Neighgan and the Canterlot State Department back in ol’ 1633, following his victory over those scum-sucking parasprites.” She finished reading. “So, I’ll be seeing you then I guess,” Raspberry said, although he didn’t back away. He couldn’t get his eyes off of the way she fluttered her wings. So… so damn cute… “And the ‘snowflake’ method of information retention is thus,” Derpy continued, “Whenever I need to think it, I RAIN THE SNOWFLAKES.” She bounced up and within a few seconds she had covered her face with a layer of post-it notes like a beard. “That’s… that’s very interesting…” Raspberry replied. For whatever reason, his heart told him that she had won him over by her sheer tenacity, “So, what can you tell me about the Tiara family?” “Tiara,” she repeated, and then she licked the left side of her face. She seized a specific note and then held it up in front of her face with her tongue like a flashcard. “Oh, there we go.” She spun her body around in a quick blur. She then sat down on the ground, holding just that one note in both hooves. “Diamond Tiara is a small pony, a foal… she’s been here for a long time, as has her family… she goes to school with the rest of the ponies and… no description about her parents except that they make jewelry… huh… there’s something here about how Tiara likes to sugar-lump bumps put in her rumps, whatever that means…” She giggled. “And?” Raspberry asked. “Oh dear, Mister Cranberry,” she said, browsing the note, “I don’t see an address here. That’s very odd. I apologize.” She looked over at Raspberry’s sad expression. “But, please, don’t worry. I’m almost finished with my route, and I know absolutely positively for certain cross my heart that I haven’t seen her family yet… could you follow me… I promise it won’t be long, process of elimination after all…” “Sure!” Raspberry replied. Derpy turned around and motioned for Raspberry to follow. He trotted behind her as they traveled from building to building. She made small talk about how much he should love it in Ponyville if he’s new and how loving and accepting the residents think. Raspberry chatted back, but he couldn’t help himself gazing down at her fluttering wings. Something about the way in which the features layered into each other— little tufts of fluff dancing atop her gray body— stuck out at him. He fought back himself, feeling ashamed. Geez, you shouldn’t keep thinking about rubbing your hooves through her wings like that you pervy jerk, especially when you just met her... Damn, do you need to rub one out behind a tree or something before you keep going? Derpy told him more about more about herself as well as about the history of Coltsville. He thought about asking more questions, but he concluded that he should just wait until they reached Tiara’s house. He knew that he had to look pretty creepy the way he just couldn’t take his eyes off her. Yet she was either totally oblivious or totally flattered by the attention. “Oh!” she remarked, and they came upon this small alleyway between two long closed buildings. Raspberry surveyed the rest of the street around them, and he that realized that they were completely alone. He felt a little chill up his neck. Derpy paused, and then she shuffled down the alley. Raspberry duly followed her. He had a hard enough time with tight spaces as a human, but as a pony he grew totally nauseated. They only had enough space to go through single-file. “Fight or flight response. Fight the response. Fight or flight response. Fight the response. Fight or flight response,” he chanted to himself, “There’s no danger. Don’t worry. No danger. No danger.” “A-ha!” she called out. She began patting at the brick wall in front of them as she gazed upwards. “So… where’s Diamond Tiara?” he asked, trying to hold himself together. He noticed some unusual grey splotches on the wall where Derpy stood. “Qu'est-ce que c'est?” she asked, looking back at him. Raspberry remained still. “Oh, wait, I’m sorry. I guess she didn’t have any mail today. That’s pretty odd, usually every last pony gets mail. I can count the number of ponies that don’t get mail on just one tentacle.” She held over her right hoof, and then she looked at it— shocked. “Well, I guess there’s nothing else you can do, or is there something?” he asked, “And why are we here in the first place, anyways?” “That!” she yelled. Raspberry looked up and then crumpled a bit. A gigantic red smiley face had been carved into the wall somehow. The cold eyes seemed to rip into Raspberry’s heart. He saw a layer of some kind of writing, but it seemed wrong, all wrong. The letters and squiggles didn’t add up to any words— like the mutterings of a psychopath. “It’s not paint,” Derpy said, and she scratched further, “It’s not magic. I could tell if it was.” She tapped her head. “At least… I think I could. I hope I could.” She blinked, and then she smacked her head against the wall. He licked across damaged brick. “Nope, it would never have that strawberry-mango tone to it if it was magic, wouldn’t it?” She made a cracked sort of smile. “Okay,” he replied. He kept looking upward, trying to think if he could somehow decipher the message. “Because EVERYPONY knows that evil magic will leave that specific tangy residue, like a lemon-y muffin,” she went on, contorting her face at the very thought of it, “No. It’s the material of the bricks themselves has been transmogrified into some kind of crystal thing. Almost like jewels beings hammered into the walls.” “Yeah,” Raspberry said, dreaming of being anywhere else but there. “It’s like one of those molecular reactions that turns rocks into diamonds,” she went on, “Not magic.” “Science,” the two ponies said at the same time.