“Hey, wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!” Raspberry said, leaning over and falling out of the bed. He grabbed Slash’s left leg tightly.
“Yes?” he asked.
“I still have just… just… so many questions!” Raspberry said, “So that’s the gem I was looking for, but where is it now? Where was it last heard from? What was the exact location? Those two stories you just told me— is there more? Can I look up more? Do I need to talk to someone else?”
“Yes,” the dragon answered, “To that last question. A pretty solid ‘no’ to the one before that. I can’t say for sure, but with the ‘lockdown’ the way it is— stupid Celestia— any stories with confidential information to the royal family is safe in some Canterlot vault. That’s the only other way you’d go about looking. I’ve combed through everything still publicly available, and then some.”
“But… but…” Raspberry stammered, “What do I do know? I just have two vague stories to go on.”
“Actually,” Slash replied, putting on a bit of an irate tone, “I told you about FIVE stories. All of which we’re pretty difficult to track down, AND pretty difficult to piece together. By the way, you’re welcome.”
“Wait, just HOLD ON,” Raspberry said, clinging to Slash’s leg like a toddler as Slash tried to step out of the room, “Please tell me just this one thing. Okay, so the dragon family and the two unicorn families were all together in Coltsville. And they all knew about the amulet, those three groups, and what it could do. What happened NEXT?”
“Next?” Slash replied, “Well, that part is actually easy. I thought you would have already picked up on it by now. I mean, it’s so obvious.”
“On what, by now?” Raspberry asked, with a bit a whimper in his voice.
“Oh, for Pete’s sake,” Slash remarked, and then he sat back down on the bed. He took out a modern, glossy book and put threw it down on the bed. Its cover read ‘The Complete Visitor’s Guide to Coltsville’. “Everything else I told you before, I had to go back to primary sources. All of the secondary and tertiary garbage only bled in things, quasi-pornographic gossip and whatnot. But this part here… what to do next… this is only one of the biggest events in Coltsville history.”
Raspberry thumbed through the book, which had copious amounts of notes written in it with bright red ink. He looked up to see Slash heading out the door. Raspberry began to say something.
“Just, just relax, okay!” Slash called out, “Everything I know, and everything I really could know— I jotted down there. I dotted each ‘i’ and I crossed each ‘t’. You know, I’m only doing this for Knack. I’m really, really, REALLY sticking my neck out telling you diddly squat. Let alone lifting books from one of Celestia’s star pupils. AND I’ve stuck around way too long. Time for me to skip down.”
“Slash!” Raspberry shouted one more time. The dragon popped his head out. “Thank you!” As the dragon trotted down the stairs, Raspberry studied the guide in more depth. In the last several pages, titled ‘What Was Your Coltsville Story?’, Slash had painstakingly reproduced in plain English the stories he referred to before. Slash had skipped through some details, but he stated in brackets what he had left out and why. Each page had detailed citations, looking to Raspberry like an academic journal.
Still, there seemed to be nothing new there. What the hell did the three families do? He flipped through to some of the front pages. And then, he saw it. Oh, of course!
“Treasure?” Raspberry read aloud, “It has long been rumored that the early foundations of Coltsville contained untold riches and valuables buried inside. City residents have spent generations examining our extensive network of underground caverns and passageways as well as our historic castles, factories, and other century’s old buildings. So far, they have come up mostly empty-handed, finding only trinkets. These items have been painstakingly tracked down and restored so that you too can put on your adventurer’s hat and become a treasure hunter. Be sure to get your picture beside some 100% authentic gems and jewels.”
“Check out our authentic, dragon-led tours underground. Tour guides for our celebrated ‘Old Town’ district are available at a moment’s notice. Just ask! Who knows? You might as well strike it rich yourself,” Raspberry read. It all seemed like cheesy tourist material, but the section below had some interesting notes. “Legend has it hundreds of years ago, the prestigious Manechester family— one of a network of traders whose roots extended through Equestria— came across a magical method of producing great wealth. Yet the family feared the consequences of becoming unaccountable oligarchs. They yearned for a simple, respected life and did not want to paint targets on their backs from resentment by the unfortunate as well as from thieves who would use their method to nefarious ends.”
“The family rivalry with the Sparks, which some historians have called a de facto war, brought this issue to a head. Thus, as the tale goes, the family destroyed all knowledge of this magic, but not before amassing astonishing wealth in the form of gems, jewels, and other valuables. They split this into thirds among the family’s two brothers and one sister, who then went their separate ways alongside their friends,” Raspberry read, “The modern day families say that this is all a big load of garbage, but countless lives and small fortunes have been spent looking for this legendary treasure in Coltsville.”
Slash had littered his comments all across the page. He had wrote insisting that the rivalry was nonsense, that the families got along fine, and that the book skated over the Manechester family’s life-long connection to dragons. Slash had also stated what Raspberry had already figured out. There was never any treasure, the families feared the power of the special, non-magical amulet that they had, and they depowered the amulet by splitting it into three pieces.
“One down,” Raspberry said to himself, holding his lapel. “But where the hell are the other two?” He glanced down the page. One brother seemed to come to nothing, and his descendants lived as drunken wretches going about Coltsville begging. Some of that offspring believed their own hype and crisscrossed buildings looking for the treasure. “Okay… I guess that’s the brother I’ve already finked a gem piece from… somehow…” But then… I made this lapel to give to Mom when I was… human… out of that piece of the thing in human-world… Dammit, this is so confusing! Oh well, I won’t look at a gift horse in the mouth.
Raspberry surveyed the rest of the page. At the bottom, circled repeatedly, he spotted the paragraph he looking for. He read, “One brother, Spirit, patched his differences individually with the Sparks family and joined in their construction business. The happy couple moved into the Dangerbird Castle in which their descendants still live, conveniently located at the end of Market Street where the factory district begins. The sister, Tiara, escaped the hustle of bustle of big cities altogether. Enchanted by a life taming mystical beasts as well as providing fashion to those without it, she took herself and her dragon friends to a place in which her descendants have remained out of the spotlight. They still live today on the edge of a city called Ponyville in Everfree Forest.”
Raspberry kicked over his backpack, and then he slid the book in. He felt around, and then he picked up a quarter. He closed his eyes and counted to three. Heads… I break into the castle. Tails… I brave the haunted forest. He flipped it up. He heard a soft banging sound. He then opened his eyes.
He looked around, but he didn’t see anything. He got off the bed, and then he crawled all around the floor. He sat flat down beside the door. What the… hell… He looked into the mirror, and then he noticed that his horn seemed to have a residual glow. He flung his head straight up. The quarter was jammed into a ceiling tile. Raspberry stuck his hooves out, and then the quarter flew back down right at him.
Raspberry sidestepped. He glanced down, and now— stuck about halfway into the wood— the American Eagle looked back at him. “All right!” he declared, “Ponyville it is!”
He set the things down and headed over to the bathroom. He couldn’t help staring at himself in the mirror as he undressed. He said to himself, “Of course… ponies are naked. All of the time, they’re naked. Usually…” It felt so wrong though. He didn’t just feel embarrassed and like he should have clothes on. He also felt, somehow, as if he was looking at some kind of abomination. He extended his right hoof and twisted it around in the air. He still sensed his fingers in there somewhere.
Damn, it’s like it’s all right there, but it’s going into a puppet hand or something. He strained, and he curled the tips of his hoof. No. It feels a lot more like the freaking Terminator— like I’m a human that’s wearing a pony skin all over me. He shuddered a bit.
He propped up his left hind leg on the counter awkwardly. “At least,” he said, glancing down at the bottom of the mirror, “Pony-fication kept my… my… important parts intact, more or less.” He leaned a bit further backward. “Emphasis on the… the… more.” He sat back down on the floor.
Raspberry spun around, and he found himself looking right at a large grey contraption fitted into the side of the wall. It reminded him of a human sized chess piece— a giant Rook. Thin white stripes shot up across the machine’s body. Raspberry took a little breath, and then he pulled the lever sticking out of the contraption’s right side.
Out popped open the top half of the machine, and Raspberry shoved all of his clothes into it. He slammed the contraption shut and tied to pretend to himself that it didn’t look exactly like throwing his stuff into a furnace. He breathed a bit easy when another, smaller slot suddenly opened up beside the lever. Raspberry surveyed the bathroom. On the floor about two feet beside him, he discovered a tiny box with a shooting star printed on it. He loaded up that other slot, shut it, and pulled the level again. Well, it’s not too different from a Motel 6 I guess…
“Please let there be a real toilet. No three seashells. No three seashells,” he muttered over and over again to himself. Raspberry turned over and stared. It’s… sort of like one… I guess… maybe similar to those Japanese dealies… A thick, slate grey cylinder filled with water stood beside the sink. Three chains— one black, one white, and one blue— clinked in the air above it. Raspberry also looked over at this long metal pole leaning on the wall with a suspicious kind of knob at the end.
“That’s for… for… rubbing back there,” he said with a terse voice, “Since they can’t… reach…” He felt afraid, although he didn’t really know why. He gave the pole a little nudge. It fell to the floor with a crash. “Oh, okay, it’s a mop.” He somehow felt relieved. As long as it’s not… TOO damn weird here
Pulling the blue chain did the trick. Raspberry let out a loud, girly squeal that ponies heard across the block when he pulled the white one— shot at like a fountain. He didn’t even want to think about what the black chain did. Too damn weird… just… too damn weird… He stepped up to the shower. It seemed exactly like the kind of thing from any hotel except that he couldn’t find any knobs.
Two large buttons without any kind of label— no ‘H’, no ‘Hot’, no heat symbols, nothing— stuck out of the wall. Raspberry took a deep breath and slammed the right button. He jumped right out of the shower, shivering uncontrollably. He slammed the left one. He jumped out again, rubbing all over himself to see if he found any burns. He tried pressing the two at once with measured force. Seconds went by with nothing happening. He gazed upwards at the showerhead. He tried giving both buttons a nice push. A thick glob of what looked like coagulated snot dripped out onto his head.
“Okay then! No more Mister Nice Pony!” Raspberry yelled. He pressed his hooves onto his head and concentrated. He saw his purple aura cover the showerhead and the buttons. In just a moment, perfectly warm water sprinkled out all over him. He moaned— surprised at how good it felt. It seemed as if his skin had started to dissolve. He slipped into this trance-like state as he soaped up, and he thought almost as if he was totally human again.
*Clang* Something hard smacked into Raspberry’s chest and tumbled onto the ground. The water suddenly poured onto him, knocking him out on his back. He kicked the showerhead and threw his hooves up over his face in protection. He called out with a noisy growl as he tried to concentrate. Within just a few seconds, the torrent ceased. He reached out his right hoof for the towels, which then magically flopped onto his head.
“You’re just too— too— too repressed! That’s what you are!” said an unfamiliar feminine voice. Raspberry glanced all about the bathroom and then the rest of the room as he dried himself. Nope… nothing at all… Geez, that was odd. It’s almost sounded like… like… a somewhat younger Julia Roberts was watching me shower.
“Well! It’s called, my dear, ’Not Being A Whore’. You should try it sometime,” Midnight Dawn’s voice— with the trademark sarcasm— said out of the ether. Raspberry looked up, and he realized that it all had come out of the open water pipe.
“Oh, please!” the older mare remarked, “You spend thirty blasted seconds with the new stallion, and you’ve already buttered him up like a roll. Nice job, little Miss non-whore."
“Is someone jealous? Of their little sis? You?” Dawn stated. Raspberry walked over to the laundry machine and grabbed his dry clothes that had been spit up onto the floor.
“Jealous? Me?” the older mare retorted. Raspberry got himself all dressed and began hunting for a toothbrush and toothpaste.
“And weren’t you calling me ‘repressed’ just a few seconds ago? That’s kind of, well, the opposite of a whore,” Dawn replied, laying on the sarcasm thick as mortar. Raspberry chuckled as he ripped open a plastic box and started brushing his teeth.
“You can sweet talk our little dazed and confused friend all you want. They’re not going to let you back into the band,” the older mare said as Raspberry got a brush out of his backpack, “It’s Leo and Flash’s decision, and they said ‘no’. You know it, I know it. So get over it.”
“You! You just… want him for yourself… don’t… don’t say…” Dawn seemed to revert into filly-mode as she replied to her sister. Raspberry finished combing his mane and tail into something at least halfway decent. He leaned over and started listening to what came out of the pipe a lot more intently.
“Oh, for Celestia’s sake! Are you kidding? I can see it now— Raspberry Star and Blackberry June. Our apartment could say ‘The Berries’. It’s like a bad fanfiction or something,” Blackberry retorted, “I’m sure he’s easy, but that doesn’t change a blasted thing. You’re. Not. Getting. Back. In. Period.”
“Well… we’ll see won’t… we,” Dawn squeaked out, again sounding like her voice had reverted back years and years. Raspberry put his stuff back into his backpack, placed that back into the laundry basket, and then shoved that under his bed. He clipped on his lapel. Obviously, you moron… Obviously, she only expressed any interest in your because she wanted to use you. Just like how Rarity wanted to sweet talk you out of your little jewel… Raspberry picked up the tourist guide and shoved it into his suit pocket.
“That we will. That we will,” Blackberry said, “And I see that it’s ten now, and my first shift ends at nine-thirty. So, if you excuse me…” Raspberry heard a little bit of shuffling. Then, he heard Blackberry heading up a few steps, stopping around halfway on the stairs, and opening some other door. Raspberry strained with his ear on the pipe, trying to pick up anything else from Dawn.
“Come on now,” Raspberry murmured, “Say that you really like me. Say that there’s something about me. Say that you’re not just a groupie wanting a promotion. Say that you really like me—” He knocked on the wall a little in frustration. “That sure would be really, really nice. Given that I may very well end up being stuck here—”
“You hear something?” Blackberry asked. Raspberry froze. The voice seemed a floor closer.
“Oh, but I’m GONNA hear something, sweetie,” Knack’s voice erupted out of the pipe. Raspberry immediately stuck his ear right back on it.
“Ooooooooh, yeah, yeah, baby,” Blackberry moaned, and soon came the noises of clothes scattered upon the ground. Knack made a warm grunt. Blackberry began cooing, and then rubbing and stroking sounds filtered up. Raspberry’s heart seemed to be beating a mile a minute. He heard Blackberry squeaking softly, and then she cried out. “You… you ready for your solo? Sir?”
“Mmmmm, yeah, I’ll be poking those frets,” Knack groaned. Raspberry felt like stabbing himself at the next several seconds of bad music puns between the two lovebirds.
“I hope she gets a big raise for this,” Raspberry said. Damn, he is just begging for a sexual harassment lawsuit… Although since pony world is supposed to be all ‘magical’ and ‘pure’, I suppose there’s no pony lawyers…
“Yeah, a BIG raise all right— Oh, hey, wait, hi Raspberry!” Knack called out through the pipe. Raspberry felt like he would have an aneurysm. “How’s it going?” Knack sounded as blasé as if he was having a face to face conversation in the parking lot before Sunday Mass.
“I’m doing fine,” Raspberry said into the pipe, “Pretty good actually, pretty alert.”
“Yeah, so— oh hey, just a minute there baby,” Knack said, “Did you talk to Slash yet? I thought he was going to spend the whole mor— I SAID, just a minute there sweetie— ing with you. But he just popped in and out. He said he— please, just hold right there Blackberry, my angel— remembered something all of a sudden. Slash read this note left on the front desk, and he seemed to like— Blackberry, my savior, my angel, please— lose it. He then hasn’t been heard from since.”
“Oh, well, I— uh— I got everything he needed,” Raspberry replied, also trying to sound nonchalant, “I mean, what I needed. He gave me his Coltsville tourist guide with all of his gem-related notes written in.”
“So, you cool?” Knack shouted.
“Yeah, we cool,” Raspberry shouted back.